Penthouse of pleasure - uncertain desire (German Edition) (19 page)

Afterwards we lie satisfied beside each other on the sofa, listening to relaxing music. Marcus tenderly caresses my back.

It’s a bit like a thunderstorm with us, I think. Just before it starts, the air is unsettled and charged with tension. During the storm all hell breaks loose and then there’s a welcome rest. But the problem is that nobody can stand too many storms in the long run. One also needs sunshine.

It’s actually a pity that our chemistry isn’t right. The way he behaves right now, I really like Marcus. Naked, relaxed and quiet. I hope he’ll be like that a little longer.

All of a sudden, an unpleasant smell stimulates my olfactory nerve. What is that? I sniff and crinkle my nose in disgust.

“What’s that weird smell?” I ask and sit up. 

“Oh, shit! The food!” Marcus jumps up and rushes over to the stove. I follow him. 

But we are too late. The meal is hopelessly cremated. Marcus quickly takes the saucepans from the rings and tears the windows open.

“Pizza or sushi?” he asks with a crooked grin and holds up some menus from various delivery services.

“Pizza!” I laugh.

“That never happened to me before.” Marcus shakes his head. “I totally forgot about the food. It’s all your fault. You rattled me completely...”

“My pleasure,” I reply sweetly and grab the pizza menu. I fancy pepperoni and extra mushrooms.“ Sex with Marcus has made me hungry.

“You promised me some answers, remember?!” Properly dressed and my hair back in place I sit at the kitchen table enjoying the last of my pizza.

“Okay,” Marcus nods. He’s also got dressed again and has already finished his food. Our little sexual interlude must have boosted his appetite.

“What do you want to know?” he asks, pushes his empty plate away and looks right into my eyes. 

“Well...,” I consider. “Perhaps you could tell me why you care so much about the children in the home...”

“Alright so!” Marcus seems less than enthusiastic. He distractedly picks up his napkin and crumples it up between his fingers.

“When I was eight years old,” he starts, “my parents were killed in a car crash. My nanny and I moved in with my grandmother. But I soon got too much for her. She had no problem taking care of my pretty large inheritance, but she didn’t like looking after me as well.” Marcus’s voice sounds bitter. I had nobody but Emily, my nanny.

Shortly after my tenth birthday, Emily went to see her family for a few days. My grandmother used that time to get rid of me. She sent me off to boarding school.

That’s where I met Liam and Alex later on. I was so lonely, I cried for days and hoped that Emily would come and get me or at least visit. But she didn’t even write to me. Only much later I discovered that my grandmother sacked Emily the minute she came back from her family and refused to tell her where I was.”

“Jesus!” Shocked, I put down my last piece of pizza. My appetite’s gone. “What kind of a woman is she, your grandmother? How could she do that to you?”

“She’s dead now. Died ten years ago. She wasn’t a very nice person. Hated my mother and blamed her for the early death of her only son. My mother was behind the wheel when the car veered off the road. In my grandmother’s eyes she killed my father. She hated me, too, because I look much more like my mother than my father.  And she couldn’t get over the fact that my mother’s spawn came into all of my father’s money. She squandered a lot of my inheritance through some nasty tricks, but there was still more than enough left. All that wealth never really mattered to me. It’s tainted with too much resentment and envy. That’s why I try to do something useful with it and spend it on charity.

“Like the children’s home?”

“Exactly. Emily founded the home we visited today.”

“What? Really? How did you find her again?”

“She found me, actually. She used up all her savings to hire a private detective. Nine months after my grandmother shoved me off to the boarding school, I saw Emily again in the principal’s office. Of course, my grandmother found ways and means to undermine any more visits from Emily after she’d heard about that one from the principal. But Emily wrote to me. Many, many letters which my grandmother didn’t know about. The principal and the other teachers didn’t tell her about them. I was lucky to have really nice teachers, who couldn’t stand my grandmother, and who noticed that Emily meant a lot more to me.

“And at some stage Emily founded the orphanage?” I probe. 

“She did.” Marcus smiles wistfully. “She had a real soft spot for lonely creatures!”

“Had?” I ask and suddenly feel a large frog in my throat. I would actually prefer not to know the answer.

“She died four years ago – from cervical cancer. They diagnosed it too late. She always put everyone else first and neglected looking after herself. I doubt she ever had a check up.” Marcus looks so sad that I stretch out my hand and carefully touch his arm.

“I’m so sorry,” I say without really knowing what I mean by that. The death of his parents, the terrible grandmother or the loss of the one person he apparently genuinely loved. It all sounds pretty awful!

Poor Marcus.

It’s hardly surprising that he can’t maintain a normal relationship. He must suffer from major separation anxiety.

I once read an article about commitment phobias and a lot of what it said also applies to Marcus. He doesn’t want to become dependent on a partner, doesn’t want to fulfill any expectations and always keeps a certain distance so he won’t get hurt. One doesn’t have to be a psychologist to realize that the whole set up with the other guys seems to be the answer to his problems for him. He basically buys a relationship he can dissolve after a short while. One that he can share with his friends so there’s no risk of falling in love. Who, after all, would fall for a woman who also sleeps with his friends?

Very clever and very sad. It would presumably take a good shrink to help him.

Marcus doesn’t appear to want my empathy. He briefly shrugs his shoulders, removes my hand from his arm and gets up. “I’m making myself an espresso. Want one, too?” he asks.

“Yes, please,” I say quietly and gaze after him.

Where have I ended up?

My roomies would delight any amateur psychologist. In my opinion Alex and Marcus suffer from profound commitment issues.  I wonder if Liam’s past is just as sad. More than likely it is. Why should he be the only normal one of the trio?  Their whole arrangement is anything
but
normal. I also wonder about the women the man usually entertain.

I furtively glance at my purse. I hope Nicole will contact me. I really want to know what kind of a person she is and what she can tell me about the three men.

“You know, Kate, I’m still not sure if it was a good idea to let you move in with us,” Marcus says and serves me an espresso. “I don’t like talking about my past. None of us do. But you are pretty much forcing us to . All the other girls were far less complicated. They simply didn’t care. As long as we had fun in bed!” 

“You should have thought about that before,” I reply and hold his gaze. “Sometimes it’s good to talk.” 

“Oh, really?” he frowns. “It’s about time I ask you a few questions so. Why were you too much of a coward to leave your ex? Why did you let him seduce you in the first place?”

He’s right. It’s not a good feeling being quizzed. And I don’t like his questions at all. But how else can one get to know a person if one isn’t allowed to ask about their past?

“I thought we were just going through a little rough patch,” I say and pensively stir my espresso.

“Bullshit! You can’t tell me you didn’t notice that it wasn’t working anymore,” Marcus remarks.

“Perhaps I did notice, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself,” I reply reluctantly.

“You see! That the reason I’d rather not be in a relationship. It’s far too complicated. I like our arrangement here. Everything is non-committal and our women never stay long enough for us to take them for granted and become bored with them. Everyone has their fun and when it’s over we part politely and respectfully and never see each other again!”

Phew, that hit home. I don’t know why, but Marcus’s last sentence upsets me so much, I nearly spill my espresso.

… and when it’s over we part politely and respectfully and never see each other again…

Of course, the three men never pretended that our time together wasn’t limited. But not having any contact with them at all afterwards disturbs me more than I would have thought. Although the whole situation is utterly absurd and fucked up, Liam, Marcus and Alex have somehow become dear to me. Even if I’ve only know them for a short while and living with them is anything but easy. Perhaps that is what upset Nicole so much. That I’m such a greenhorn. I really have to talk to her again. If she doesn’t contact me herself, I’ll have no choice but to phone her a second time.

“I think some people are worth investing some effort in,” I say slowly.

“What do you mean?” Marcus wants to know.

“Exactly what I said,” I reply.

“I find this conversation too exhausting!” Our little interview seems to be over for Marcus. “I’ve already told you a whole lot more about me than any of the other women. I’m going to have a shower. Then I have to take care of a few things and make some calls. I’d like to watch a movie with you later. Do whatever you like until then! But I’ll answer no more questions!” He leaves the room.

Sure. Just leave me here! I think, annoyed. As soon as one gets a little closer to any of you, you run away! I know from experience.

Denial may sometimes be the easier option, but it will destroy your soul in the long run. I’m convinced!

If my roomies could only see it like that, too...

I shake my head in frustration. I’m anything but happy with the results of my quiz round. Granted, I know a bit more about Marcus, but it didn’t really help me a lot.

Perhaps I should have listened to Liam’s advice:
Enjoy your time with us and don’t ask questions!

But that’s not the way I operate.

How insensitive must a person be to live with someone, sleep with them, but still not want to know anything about their private stuff? Will I be able to simply blank everything I know and just enjoy the sex?

Lost in thought, I step into the hall, fetch my purse and retire to my room. Marcus’s was quite clear about what he wants. To be on his own for the time being. That’s alright with me. I’m not too bothered about male company right now. I need time to think and I want to check my phone. Perhaps Nicole has sent me an email...

I nervously extract the phone from my purse and sit down on my bed. The screen shows a new call, voice message and five new emails.

The call and the voicemail are from Liam.

Hi Kate, is everything all right with you? What are you two doing right now? I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

I love the manly sound of his voice and the slightly mocking undercurrent.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow...

Sounds very sexy.

I sigh. For Liam it’s perfectly normal to come and go as he pleases. But for me it’s all very strange. His sudden disappearance, the envelope with the money on the bed...

I remember Marcus’s words again:
Liam
doesn’t let any of the women sleep in his bed – never!

Oh, Liam, I think. Somehow you don’t get me and I don’t get you.

But the sex is so darn good...

If I really want to stay, I guess I’ll have to learn to rise above things. I pull myself together and write him a short text.

Hi! Everything is fine as long as Marcus and I keep having sex. Difficult otherwise...

See you tomorrow,

Kate

I quickly send the text and then eagerly turn to my emails.

Please, Nicole, let one of them be from you. Please! Please! Please! I beg, take a deep breath and click on my email inbox. Two junk mails with coupons for some boutiques. I don’t have any money right now, so I delete them before I get some crazy notion and order stuff online.

Another one of the mails is from my mom who enquires how I am and if I’m managing alright. I send her a short reassuring message.

Then there’s the email with the funny vacation pictures from my girlfriend Mona who’s just back from a six week hiking trip. She wants to know how Andrew and I are doing and looks forward to meeting up soon. She’s sooo much to tell me.

Gee, Mona, I think. If you only knew how much I have to tell
you
!

It’s actually been less than a week since Andrew left me and I met Liam, Alex and Marcus.

Less than a week. That seems strange. It feels like it’s been months. So much has happened in the meantime.

I tell Mona that I look forward to seeing her soon without mentioning Andrew or the penthouse. One reason is that I don’t want her to worry about me and another that I signed something like a confidentiality clause.

The last mail in my inbox is from a sender I don’t know: 
[email protected]
.

I nervously twiddle with my hair and click on the message.