Perchance (24 page)

             
I rubbed my fist in the center of my chest trying to press down the feeling of foreboding doom. But no matter how hard I pressed it wasn’t budging.  It was attached to my sternum like a mold that was slowly spreading. 

             
I put her present in the glove box and a blanket in the trunk.  I was bringing her back to the swimming hole because she loved to go there.  It was too cold for swimming, but we loved it just the same.  I brought my stereo and iPod too and put them in the back seat.
I double checked everything but it was all there. I felt like I was missing something.
I went to pick her up and she put a huge bag in my trunk without even looking me in the eye. 

             
When she saw that we were going to the swimming hole she perked up, but again, it skimmed the surface.  Her smiles weren’t reaching her eyes.  Her touches were quick and reserved.  No flirting or innuendos left that gorgeous mouth of hers even once.  But I went ahead with my plan thinking that this was going to make her happy.  It made me happy, she would be too.

             
I was trying.  He could see through me though.  I knew he would
,
but he wasn’t saying anything.  I got out of the Cuda and went to the front where he was setting up his iPod on his stereo.  He put on Each Coming Night by Iron and Wine and put out his hand for me.  I went into his arms and let myself be comforted by my body next to his.  The plague in my chest went away instantly and
I sighed in contentment and in
relief.  He rubbed the small of my back as we danced and I hung on to him as tight as I could.  As quickly as it had passed the feeling of doom came over me again and consumed me with renewed strength.

             
The song stopped and he asked me to sit on the hood and wait for him.  My body moved almost without my permission and sat on the hood.  He came back with something in a bag.  It was a navy blue bag and it was small.
  My ears started ringing the tiniest bit and a headache played drums on my temple. 

             
“Remi, you know I love you.”

             
God, don’t let this be happening.

             
“I can’t see a life without you in it.”

             
I need to stop him.

             
“This isn’t an engagement ring
,
so don’t be upset.”

             
For a split second I wasn’t until he pulled out the box.

             
“It’s just a promise ring.  I promise to love you and support you in your life and I will always be here for you.”

             
It’s still a ring, it might as well be an engagement ring.

             
“Remi, say something baby.  Say anything.”

             
He was still holding the ring out and all I could see was that ring and from where I was standing it looked like a pair of shackles.

             
I looked at him through tear covered corneas and got off of the hood.

             
He saw the change in my face and backtracked.

             
“Ok, ok, you don’t have to wear it.  I thought you would like it.  It doesn’t mean we’re getting married Remi.  It doesn’t.  You know I support your plans and this means I will be there with you through it.”

             
I was now shaking my head ‘no’ as the tears fell. I didn’t think I had any more after yesterday but here they were.  He took a step towards me and I gripped the edge of the Cuda’s h
ood with my left hand and put
the palm of my right hand out to stop him.

             
“Don’t.” It was all I could croak out and I could almost hear the shatter of his heart.

             
His entire posture slumped and his breaths were shallow and uneven.

             
“
I’m sorry Remi. I jumped the gun again.  I’m so sorry.”

             
I straightened my back and said something I never thought I would.

             
“Stop talking Cooper and bring me home.”

             
I can’t believe she said that to me.  She had never been angry with me.  Hell, I had never seen her angry at all. 
I still don’t know if she was angry.  It was more than anger it was…hurt? Betrayal?

             
I tried to hold her hand on the way home, it was a desperate attempt. She jerked her whole body away from me and turned towards the passenger window. 

             
“Tell me how to fix this Remi.” I begged her when I pulled into her driveway.

             
“I don’t know if it can be fixed Cooper.” Her voice made it sound like she was so far away.

             
“I know you love me.  Just forget the stupid ring.” My voice had risen in pitch and cracked when the words came out.

             
“How can I forget that ring Cooper.  How?” She wouldn’t look at me.

             
“I’ll take it back.  You’ll never have to see it again.  Don’t you know that I love you?”

             
“You might love me Cooper, you might.  But after tonight, I don’t think you know me at all.”

             
She got out of the car and went inside.  I pulled out of her driveway and floored my Hemi Cuda and took the pain in my chest out on the flat straight roads of St. Francisville.  I cried, cried like I’ve never cried before.  This was worse than any physical pain I could eve
r think of enduring.  This was H
ell.  And just when you think all of your skin is burned off, it regrows and the flames lap at your feet again. 

             
I drove for hours and at two o’clock in the morning I finally decided to go back home. 
I parked in the driveway
and then dragged my
ragged a
ss
up the stairs.  At my door was a bag and a note.  The bag contained Remi’s laptop and the note said ‘It’s too much.’

             
What I wanted to do was throw the damned thing down the stairs, watch it break into pieces.  That’s how I felt inside, like broken glass.

             
I took it inside and passed out in her chair.

             
I went and grabbed the laptop threw a sloppily written note on it and ran it back to his apartment and left it by the door.  He wasn’t home and I wasn’t sticking around until he got back.

             
I went into the house, past a questioning Aunt Brenda and barely made it to the toilet.  I puked, I cried, I puked while I cried, I cried while I puked.  Aunt Brenda cried with me and she didn’t even know what she was crying about.  I took my clothes off right there in front of her and poured myself in the shower and then jumped out immediately afterward to puke again.

             
I finally got through the shower on the third try.  Then it took me another hour after I had turned
off the water to convince myself to get out.  Aunt Brenda had picked up my clothes and cleaned up the floor where I had missed the toilet.  I walked half dead to my bed and fell asleep with my towel still wrapped around my middle.  At noon the next day, Aunt Brenda came in and checked my head and tried to make me get up and eat but I wanted nothing to do with food yet. 

             
“Where’s your phone Remi?” She asked.

             
“It died.” I said from under the covers.

             
“Well, I’ll plug it in.” She said.

             
I pulled the covers back. “No. Please don’t.”

             
“Why?” She asked.

             
“I don’t want to hear it. I can’t take it.” I groaned while I put the covers back over my head.

             
“
Remi Hayes Harris, get up and tell me what happened now.”

             
“Ughhhh…fine.  Everything was fine.  He ruined it.  Everything was freaking fine.  But no, he had to buy me that thing. And then he sets up this romantic scene and I think it’s going to be fine. But is it? No! It’s not.  He knew how I felt and he still stood there holding that stupid little box and he claimed it was a promise ring. A promise ring! Give me a damned break.  It was the first step that’s what it was.  It was the first step.  Next thing you know I’m married and knocked up and waiting in the kitchen for my man to bring home food so little old me can cook it and bear his babies so then he can what?
Leave me with nothing. Nothing!”

             
The sobs broke out against my will.  My whole body jerked and the whole bed moved with me.  Aunt Brenda cried with me again.  She held me most of the day as I cried
and whimpered.

             
“I love him so much. Why did he have to ruin it? And why did I have to freak out? How am I ever going to face him again? He just scared me. Him and Edith.”

             
“Edith?” She pulled away to look at my face.

             
“Yes Edith.
She was talking Christmas Eve about our relationship and how it has progressed and the next natural thing was marriage.  What was she thinking? She more than anyone else knows how I feel.  I’ve told her everything about Cooper and about me.  She knew!”

             
“Well of course she wants you two together.  She absolutely loves you and that’s her grandson.”

             
I pulled away from her and nearly fell as I tried to get off of the bed.

             
“What are you talking about?”

             
“Remi, remember the flea market the first day you were here? I told you that Eric was Edith’s son. So naturally Cooper is her grandson. You were there.”

             
Of course I remember the flea market.  That’s where I first saw him.  That’s where I fell in love with him. 

             
“Oh God! I’ve been telling her everything about us.  And he said he’s been telling his grandmother about us when he visits her. I’m such an idiot.
She’s been playing us all of this time.  She wanted us together. 
Maybe I never even loved him. Maybe I was just sucked into the romance of it all. I’m so stupid.”

             
“No Remi, what you have is real.”

             
“Had
,
Aunt Brenda, had. If it was real
,
I’ll never know.”

             
I crawled back under the covers and she let me.

             
What have I done?

             
The pain had stopped days ago.  Now it was just emptiness and numbness.  I dragged this body around mowing the grass, building useless furniture, cleaning my apartment, doing my damned laundry.  Mom had left yesterday and I didn’t even want to go to the airport.  Eric sent me to the store for groceries and I walked.  I walked to the f…freakin grocery store because when I tried to get into the Cuda, it smelled like her.  It smelled like apricots and honey and I ended up spending two hours in that car just breathing in and out trying to feel her around me. 

             
Eric knocked on the door and asked me what was going on.  By then I was losing it again and I just got out of the car and walked to the store. 
I bought three of those trees that you hang from the rearview mirror.  I put all three in the car as quickly as I could.  But as I opened the door her scent washed over me and for the second time in my life this car made me fall to my knees.  But it wasn’t the car.  It was her.