Perfect (24 page)

they’re on the sniff, nothing

is

too much to ask. They’ll give

up careers, sacrifice families.

Buy a new car, hand over

the key

to the one who wears skin

they want to lose themselves

in. And the funny thing

is, they don’t seem

to

care who knows it. Not

friends. Not colleagues.

Not even the people they

treasure.

Size Two Skin

That’s what I’m currently wearing.

Fifteen-milligram Meridia is one magic

little pill. You don’t even want to look

at food. The only problem is dry mouth.

Gack. Like sucking on cotton. At least

I’m drinking lots of water. Flushing

out pockets of poison. And fat. Fat. Fat.

Pretty soon my body will be totally

fat free, thanks completely to Xavier.

Thank God I met him. Everything

has fallen into perfect place. He’s setting

me up with runway gigs, and because

of that I can quit worrying about Miss

Teen Nevada. Yeah, it would be nice

to own that crown, but like Xavier says,

If you want to go back to pageants, there’s

always Miss Nevada next year.
Or even

the year after. I don’t really need that kind

of stress right now. As Xavier says,
You

know what makes worry lines? Worry.

You leave the worry to me. I’m allowed

a few lines at my age.
He does have some

at the corners of his eyes, but I think

they make him even cuter. Mom thinks

so too. In fact, he’s got Mom eating right

out of his hand, and that’s a very good thing

because I’ve decided not to go to college

next year, and Xavier will convince her

it’s okay.
College will always be there.

But you’ve only got a few short years

to work runway. College is better

with money in the bank. You know?

Beyond Runway

Xavier has connections at all the big

’zines. He says once the plastic surgeon

does her thing, high-fashion shoots

are a sure bet. The nose job is only

a couple of weeks away. The day after

Easter.
Once you heal up nice and pretty,

I’ll talk your mom into the implants,
Xavier

promised.
Everyone will want you then.

Everyone will want me. And I want

that. If the price tag is going hungry,

or making a few alterations, it’s all good.

When everyone wants me, those stupid

girls at school will be sorry they made fun

of me. When everyone wants me, Patrick

will have to shut his mouth. When everyone

wants me, maybe Conner will want me too.

My Heart Still Cries

For Conner. But I have to admit

I don’t think about him every waking

minute anymore. And I dream about

him less and less. Is this always what happens

when someone you love leaves? They

fade away, blur into memory like childhood

fantasies? Part of it, of course, is focusing

on my career, fine-tuning my goals, near

and distant. I can thank Xavier for that.

Plus, having a man around to stroke

your ego takes the edge off not having

one around to stroke the rest of you.

I suppose that would be nice too.

And the longer Conner is out of my life,

the more I’m starting to realize someone

else might want to make me part of theirs.

Not That I Have

A whole lot of time for dating right now,

but if someone asked me out, I just might

say okay. Especially if he looked like

the guy sitting two tables away. Yummy.

Almost yummy enough to distract me

from the reason I’m here. Namely, lunch

with Dad and Shiloh, who have just arrived.

Rose’s is a small place, so I couldn’t hide

even if I wanted to. Dad spots me right

away.
There’s my girl. Where’s your sister?

I’m not exactly sure Jenna is planning

to join us. But I say, “Late, as usual.”

He sits across the table, putting Shiloh

next to me.
You must be Kendra,
she says.

Your dad talks about you and Jenna

all the time. I’m glad to meet for real.

Up close, she’s younger than I thought.

Way to go, Dad. “Uh, yeah. Me too.”

Also on closer view, Dad’s mustache has

silvered and he has gained a pound or ten.

What’s good here?
he asks, scanning

the upscale soup, salad, and sandwich menu.

Does he not remember our pre-theater family

meals at Rose’s? “Pretty much everything.”

I look up from my own menu just in

time to catch Shiloh checking me out.

She blushes, but doesn’t look away.
So,

what are you getting?
Maybe she wants

diet tips? She could use a few. “A half

spinach salad.” Hold the bacon, egg, and

dressing. One cup spinach, seven calories.

A few bites of avocado. A skinny lunch.

We Debate

Waiting for Jenna. After ten minutes,

Dad decides to go ahead and order.

Meanwhile, unfortunately, it seems it’s

time for small talk. I mention Xavier,

and (just loudly enough so Mr. Yummy

can hear) tell them about my fast-tracked

runway career. “Xavier says I’ll make over

fifty grand next year. And that’s just to start.”

Shiloh (who named her
that
?) sits, shaking her

head.
Unlikely. And modeling is tough work.

Anger spatters like hot oil in cool water.

“Really? What would
you
know about it?”

Dad intervenes.
Don’t get your back up.

Shiloh is in the business. Sort of, anyway.

I design costumes for showroom shows,

she says.
I know the business inside out.

I Wouldn’t Exactly

Equate the two, but I guess I’ll keep

my mouth shut. Or change the subject.

Dad, however, beats me to it.
What

about college? Won’t it be hard to keep up?

“I’m going to take a couple of semesters

off. Put some money away. You know.”

The tips of Dad’s ears flare. I haven’t

seen that in a while.
Have you discussed

this with your mother? I don’t think

she’s going to be very happy about it.

“Mom doesn’t care what I do,” I fire

back, not that the assessment is even close

to accurate. “And why do you suddenly

give half a damn?” Our eyes interlock.

I never stopped being your father,

Kendra. I never stopped caring.

He Excuses Himself

And goes off to the restroom about

thirty seconds before lunch arrives.

Shiloh and I stare at our plates for

a long minute or two. Finally she says,

You really have no clue how much

he misses you, or how proud he is

of your accomplishments. Did you

know he keeps a scrapbook of newspaper

clippings about you? Photos of your

pageants and cheerleading?

I shake my head. Don’t want to listen.

Anger is easier than forgiveness.

We are strangers. But I hope that will

change. Your father and I want you

and your sister to be part of our family.

And here’s the thing. I’m worried about

you. Are you aware of the damage

an eating disorder can do to your body?

I know you want to be thin so you can