Perfect (40 page)

I say that soot is

dust,

swept up by gravity to fly,

untouched by time, with

ice,

a comet. Bright in the vast

azure deep of night, a

flare in

the frozen emptiness of space.

A hot, cold candle, magnified

beneath the glare of

solar wind.

Falling In Love

Was not something I ever expected.

I have no role models for love.

I always thought friendship would

do—that my heart couldn’t hold

more. But it can, and that presents

an incredible dilemma. Because if I

truly love Dani as much as I think

I do, how can I deny it? Her? Us?

At Stanford, no one worth mentioning

would care. The Bay Area is a liberal

stronghold. But Stanford presents

another problem. Will I still go there?

It’s not so far from here. I could come

home on weekends. Not to see

my family, who I just want away

from. But how can I live without Dani?

Everything is so new, and moving

bullet train speed, we haven’t even

talked about next year. It’s all

been about how, when, and where

we can see each other again. God,

I want it to be every day. So strange.

Never, ever before did having sex

mean anything to me. But now

I think about it all the time. Is that

sick? I have no idea what normal

is. Has she turned me into a perv?

Maybe the trick is just having lots

and lots of sex until you get tired

of it? Does everyone eventually

get tired of it? Do really old people

still like having “fun” after decades

together? Does being in love influence

any of that? Does love fade with

time? And which fades faster—love

or lust? Too many questions.

That’s what comes of sitting here

alone when all I want is to be with her.

Wonder if she feels the same way.

Suddenly the phone rings. Am I psychic?

But It Isn’t Dani

Caller ID says it’s Sean. I let it go

to voice mail, though I’ve got a good

idea what he’s going to say. He’s sorry.

He loves me, and he’s sure I love him, too.

But no. This message is different.

Hello, Cara. You might want to

pick up, unless you want your parents

to hear about you and your girlfriend
.

I feel like I just stepped off a high

dive. He waits, and I can almost hear

the
zzzzzz
of his anger. I don’t know

what to do. Pretend I’m not here?

I know you’re there. I can see

your car
. My car? Is he outside?

You’ve got five seconds. Answer

the goddamn phone! Four. Three…

I yank the receiver out of its cradle.

“What is wrong with you, Sean? Why

can’t you just leave me alone?”

I am not the type to cry, but this is getting

creepy. Scary, even. “What do you

want from me?” Hope he can’t hear

the crack in my voice. And I pray

he can’t see me crying. He isn’t

looking through my window

with binoculars or something,

is he?
I want to know when you

went all gay. Not only a whore
,

but a lezbo whore? Just when

the fuck did that happen? No

wonder you didn’t want dick
.

Then again, some lezs like dildos
.

Do you and your little butch girl

use those? Because I’d pay to

watch. In fact, I bet I could round

up a few friends. What do you think?

Deny. Deny. Deny. He can’t know

anything for sure. He has to be

guessing. “Sean, I have no clue

what you’re talking about.”

His Laugh Is Cruel

Really? And now you’re a liar
,

too. I saw you with her at Mt. Rose
,

off in the trees making out. You

wanna tell me that isn’t true?

Oh my God. So, fine, change tactics.

“You
are
stalking me, aren’t you?

You realize that’s crazy, right?

Sean, can’t you see you need help?”

First of all, I didn’t even know

you’d be at Rose. Pure coincidence
.

And second, considering everything
,

I’d say
you’re
the one who needs help
.

I could tell him that Dani
is
my help.

But arguing with him is useless.

And no matter how much he thinks

he knows, I won’t confess anything.

How can I de-escalate the war he so

wants to wage? “You’re right. I do

need help. See? You’re better off without

me.” I expect a fresh barrage of rage.

No, Cara
. His voice is unusually

gentle.
I am nothing without you
.

Look, I can understand wanting

to experiment. Lots of girls play

with other girls. What if I let you

be with her, too? Just give me

another chance to show you

how much I love you. Please?

What if he
lets
me? Is he serious?

Dumb question. Of course he is.

“Look. I don’t have to ask your

permission for anything. Love

isn’t about ownership. It’s about

respect—something I don’t have

for you. Find somebody who does.

Direct your affection toward her.”

I hang up before he can respond.

Oh God, what will he do next?

I’ve got to get out of here. But

first, I have to talk to Dani.

Her Cell Goes Straight

Through to voice mail. Turned

off. Or dead. Should I call her house?

Why not? It’s not like
I’m
the stalker.

I can always fall back on the old

“I’m just a good friend” explanation.

Three rings and her dad picks up.

“Uh, hello. Is Dani there? This is Cara.”

Surprisingly, he acknowledges me.

Oh, Cara. Yes, hello. One second
,

please
. The phone moves away from

his mouth while he yells,
Dani! Phone!

Then he’s back.
Okay, when am I going

to meet you? I’ve heard so much

about you
. He reminds me of a Jewish

mother, talking to a prospective in-law.

At least, like the Jewish moms on TV.

I had no idea he knew about me.

“Um, any time. Would be great

to meet you, too.” How much,

exactly,
does
he know? The next

voice I hear is Dani’s.
Hey, girl
.

What’s up? Oh, hold on…
now

she and her dad are talking.
Okay
,