Perfectly Flawed (19 page)

“Okay. Well, when she gets back, will you tell her I’m trying to reach her?”

“Of course.”

Sean wasn’t sure where Adrianna would go. The club, that was possible. He’d go there first. And he did, but felt more concerned afterwards. Kevin was there, and it was only out of his worry about Adrianna that he spoke to him. No, Kevin hadn’t seen her that night, didn’t know where she was.

What next? He just didn’t know her well enough. What a depressing thought. Sean should at least know places she liked to go, what she preferred. It was downright upsetting. He drove out to the harbor, looking for what, he wasn’t sure.
Some clue? Hoping to see her walking down the street, getting into a cab?

He should have asked Krista if the red car was in the garage. At least that way he’d know if Adrianna had driven somewhere. That would help. But he hadn’t, so he cruised. A couple of times he spotted a blond woman, and for a second, thought it was her. Once he even pulled up next to a girl, scaring her half to death. But she wasn’t Adrianna.

Sean looked at the digital clock on his dash. He’d driven around for hours. All the clubs were closing up; Krista should know something by now. Pressing the accelerator, he sped back to her place, displeased that the house looked dark. Even if he woke them up, he had to know. Knocking lightly on the door roused no activity.

After ringing the bell over and over, Sean realized no one was home. Nobody could sleep through the ruckus he made. Krista would have come to the door. Great, now she was gone too. Sean smacked his fist into the thick wood door. Standing on the dark porch, he floundered for his next move.

Anxiety ate away inside. Something must have happened. Maybe her aunt took off to the hospital with no way to let Sean know. He swore that he was going to get Krista’s cell number at the first opportunity, once this crisis was over. Sean had no certainty that a hospital was involved. Even if that were true, he didn’t know which hospital. If Adrianna had taken her car, she could be anywhere.

Sean headed back to his apartment, needing to regroup. Driving all over the city, crazed with worry, wouldn’t help. If something had happened to Adrianna—and he didn’t know anything had—she would need him to be strong. Calm, he had to stay calm and keep a cool head no matter what came next.

Chapter 23

The rest of the night, Sean got little sleep. Having no idea where Adrianna had disappeared to, he tossed and turned, holding his phone in his hand in case she called. She had to call sooner or later. Fully dressed with his suede jacket draped over him, Sean was ready to spring into action if needed.

In his desperation, he thought of going back to her aunt’s house, but showing up there in the wee hours of the morning wasn’t a good idea. Krista had been friendly enough, but she didn’t really know him. It was better not to give the impression that he was some raving lunatic stalking Adrianna in the middle of the night.

After all, Krista said her niece was fine, that she always called if she was going to be late. The fact that she hadn’t called Sean was another matter. As long as she’d called her aunt, as long as she was all right, he’d deal with the other later. Though he couldn’t imagine why Adrianna didn’t call him back.

Replaying in his mind the conversation of that morning, Sean couldn’t see anything that would have caused her to be upset –unless it was that whole thing about meeting his parents. Maybe he’d pushed too hard. It was just that he was excited, and wanted his family to meet her. Including her in the closeness would be right; it would be good. But she wasn’t ready. She’d said so.

Admittedly, he didn’t understand Adrianna. There was more he needed to find out, a lot more. And with the knowledge that she was a cutter, Sean understood it was vital that he learn as much as he could. Otherwise, how could he help her? And she needed help, whether she knew it or not.

Adrianna, beautiful inside and out, suffered from issues powerful enough to make her cut her own skin. The oppressive thought made Sean feel worse. He should be there; he should be with her. Be there for her. But she was alone—somewhere.

If only she would call him –come to him if she felt the need to cut –like he’d asked.

“I’ll try,” she’d said.
Try. Please, love, try
.

Sometime before morning, Sean dozed. He woke with a start and blinked at the sun streaming through his window. Glancing at the clock, he sat up, rubbing his hands through his hair. It was nearly nine. Before Krista went to work or something, he had to get over there and find out what had happened. Find out if she’d heard from Adrianna.

Splashing water on his face, Sean tried to wake up. It had been a tough night. Within ten minutes he was in the car on his way to Krista’s once again. A new day meant new possibilities. Hoping he’d worried unnecessarily, Sean covered the distance in record time and pulled up to the curb. He bounded up the steps and knocked on the door, just as he had not so many hours earlier.

Krista opened the door after several interminable minutes. She looked at him, and Sean was self-conscious for a moment, realizing he was wearing the same clothes he’d had on the night before. He must look a rumpled mess, and he didn’t want to alarm her.

Sean smiled, trying to appear relaxed. “Good morning, Krista. It’s me again.”

Krista looked back, but didn’t smile.

“Have you heard from her?”

Without a word, she opened the door wider, signaling that Sean should step inside. Then she waved him into the kitchen. In the bright sunlight blazing through the windows, he saw the somber look on her face.

“Is she okay?”

“She will be. Sit for a minute, Sean.”

Reluctantly, he sat. All he wanted to do was see Adrianna, and he wished her aunt would talk faster. Spill it. Just say it. Waiting was making him insane.

“I know you’ve been seeing her recently.”

Sean nodded.

“I’m sure she’d be angry if I mention this, but I’m worried about her.”

Sean waited, tensing his jaw, pressing his palms on his thighs to keep from clenching his fists.

“Are you aware that she cuts?”

“Yes. I knew she did. She told me. Does she still?” Sean felt panic in the pit of his stomach.

“Last night she did.”

“Oh, God.”

“She’s okay for the moment. After you left last night, I got a call from an after-hours urgent care center.” Krista looked away, her eyes welling with tears.

“What happened?”

“I’m not sure. Adrianna didn’t want to talk to me. She’d given my phone number on the form when she signed in, as her closest relative. I went right over when I got the call.”

Sean ran his hand through his hair, emotion flooding his veins.

“The doctor was concerned about infection. He told me privately that he suspects she cut with jagged metal. The cut was uneven; it could have been the sharp edge of a can, or a pop top. Unable to get the details out of her, the doctor could only guess.”

“Where did she cut?”

“On the outside of her right thigh, a long gash, like it wasn’t thought out. More like she reached out and dug into her skin, with whatever was most available. That’s what I was told. Urgent care deals with cutters more often these days. That’s what it looked like to the doctor.”

“Why would she do that?”

“I don’t know, Sean. She’d been doing so well since she came to live with me. Or at least I thought so. But then, she doesn’t talk about her personal feelings, not like girls usually do. Not even with me.”

“Is she upstairs?”

Krista nodded.

“Can I go up and see her?” Sean
had
to see her.

“If you want.
But don’t be surprised if she doesn’t tell you anything. All I got was the silent treatment. I’m hoping she’ll confide in me once she recovers. It will take time. Whatever it was, it must have been traumatic. At least to her it was.”

Sean left the kitchen and went directly upstairs. He opened the bedroom door without knocking. The sight of Adrianna buried under the covers, her blond hair in disarray over the fluffy pillow, was a relief. Finally, he could talk to her.

Stepping close, he saw her pale skin, and his heart ached. Sean wanted to hold her, tell her everything was okay; he was there. He reached out and touched her cheek with his fingertips, and she opened her eyes. Looking into the sky-blue depths, Sean searched for a welcoming response, some sign that she was glad to see him.

Her blue eyes were cold and vacant. Adrianna didn’t respond to his touch, didn’t even move.

“Adrianna, I’m here. What happened, love?”

Adrianna glared at him, life coming back into her. But she didn’t say a word.

“I know you don’t want to tell your aunt, but you can tell me. I love you, Adrianna.”

Tears formed in her eyes. “No.”

“No what, love?”

“Don’t touch me.”

Sean hesitated then pulled his fingers back. “Are you okay?”

“I will be when you leave.” The venomous sound of her words surprised Sean.

“You want me to go?”

Adrianna nodded.

“I’ll go if you want me to.” Sean felt a knife dig into his gut. “But I’ll be back. I’ll come back when you feel better, after you get some rest.”

“No.” Adrianna looked at him, disgust in her eyes.

Sean was lost, floundering for understanding of what was happening. He only knew his world was falling apart. Adrianna, injured, cutting again. And now kicking him out.

“You don’t want me to come back? You can’t mean that, Adrianna.”

“Don’t ever come back.” Tears rolled down her cheeks.

Sean had always known there was something she wouldn’t tell him. When he’d learned of the cutting, he’d thought that was it. Now it was clear there was more. The worst part was that he couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t talk to him.

“You can’t ask me to do that, Adrianna—leave and not come back. What about the other night? You can’t have forgotten that. So you didn’t want to meet my family. I’m sorry I pressed. Sometimes I’m just…I don’t know how you’ll react. But I never meant to upset you.”

Adrianna looked away from him.

“Or if it’s something else. Tell me. We can fix it.”

She looked back. “No, Sean. We can’t fix it.”

Her words stung.

“We don’t belong together. I told you that all along. But you wouldn’t listen.” Then she hesitated, as if considering her next words. “You’re not the man for me. Do you hear me? You’re not for me.”

Sean was stunned. “I’m not good enough, is that it? I didn’t grow up in your classy neighborhood, didn’t go to the right school, don’t have the right job. Is that it?”

Adrianna bit her lower lip and nodded.

Sean saw her body trembling, like she was holding back sobs. Why was she doing this?

“So you’re telling me that because I don’t wear the right clothes, and wasn’t born to a family your parents would consider their equal, that we—you and I—aren’t right for each other.”

Adrianna didn’t reply, just closed her eyes tight.

“I don’t believe you, Adrianna. I don’t believe you. Do you hear me?” Sean turned and took long strides out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

*****

As soon as the door clicked shut, Adrianna pulled the comforter over her face and sobbed. The tears gushed and there was no way to stop them. Telling Sean the one thing she knew would hurt him, the one thing that would make him go way, was the hardest thing she’d ever done.

Looking at his face and seeing the hurt there had touched her deeply. But she couldn’t relent. She knew the truth. As crushing as it was, the reality of what had happened could never be undone. It was over. And the sooner he realized it and left her alone, the sooner she could move on with her life. Though, really, she didn’t want to live at all.

It occurred to her that she could have easily thrown his behavior in his face. The incident with the other woman that she’d accidentally witnessed was reason enough to break up. But she
knew men. He’d just lie and say it meant nothing. How many times had she heard similar excuses?

No, that wasn’t the way. It was better not to leave that opening, give him the chance to backpedal and try to make it all okay. Adrianna just had to end it for good. Yet hurting Sean that way made her feel sick. There was no way to deny that she still loved him. The urge to sacrifice
herself, just to be with him, was strong.

It would have been so much easier to just fight it out and then make up.
Until the next time. And there would be a next time. He’d betrayed her, and Adrianna had no doubt he’d do it again. Her heart was broken. It was over.

*****

Sean drove away, wanting to get drunk but knowing that would be the worst thing he could do. Somehow he had to show Adrianna that she was wrong. And getting in another drunken brawl wouldn’t be the way.

Not for a second did he believe Adrianna meant what she’d said. Sure, he’d thought the same many times. He wasn’t in her class, grew up in the wrong section of Beacon Hill. Still, he knew she said it to hurt him, to make him go away.

Why
was what he couldn’t fathom. Something so bad, so devastating, had happened that made Adrianna cut again after abstaining for so long. And whatever that reason was, it was strong enough to make her send him away, at all costs. Cruelly, she’d said the one thing she knew would hurt him, the one reason he might agree to leave her.

And it did hurt.
Bad. Old wounds scarred over but never really healed. Growing up, many of the fights had been over defending his pride and the honor of his family. Being Irish shouldn’t be a curse, but sometimes it seemed to be. If only his father were a banker not a teacher, and had been born in England, not Ireland.

It was all so ridiculous.
But vivid. Given all that, Sean was sure Adrianna had seized upon his Achilles’ heel to cut him off and make him go away—which only told him how badly she needed him. If it was so bad she was willing to hurt him, and injure her own body by cutting, then she desperately needed help.

Some things he wasn’t sure of. His swagger and confident attitude were sometimes more learned behavior than how he actually felt. But there was one thing he was positive about: how Adrianna felt. When she’d trembled in his arms, kissed his lips, and shivered from his caresses,
that
had been real.

And it wasn’t just that. Sean could always tell by a woman’s eyes. And the look in Adrianna’s blue eyes after she’d come—draped over him with her hands on his shoulders—had been the look of a woman in love. Possibly,
she
didn’t even know it. But he did. Sean felt it, and it was a feeling he wouldn’t mistake.