Phantom (Endlessly Book 3) (12 page)

1
5 THE DILEMMA

“So… will you do it?” Verloren asked Sarah.

Ash cuddled him. They both looked at Sarah, expecting her to agree.

Sarah pursed her lips and frowned. “No.”

I laughed silently as their faces dropped.
So much for getting whatever you want
, I thought, making my next shot on the billiard table.

“Why?” Ash whispered.

Sarah leaned toward her. “Because I’m certain the bite is only erotic for a human if the vampire and the human have an emotional connection. I think that’s why my transformation was so painful.” She shook her head.

“I don’t care,” Verloren said.

“I do,” Sarah countered. “I don’t wish that kind of pain on anyone.”

Verloren held his hand out to her. “Just one quick bite and it will be over with.”

Sarah looked insulted.

Lex took her shot, then poked me in the stomach with her pool stick. I grunted and tried to pay attention to the game. I mad
e a clumsy shot. Lex jeered me and looked at the balls.

Sarah was gearing up for Jack’s first hunt. She wanted him to f
eed from a human. Ash was going and they planned a stop at Coylene Gill’s to pick up donated blood for Abigail.

I sighed and took my turn on the pool table. The cue ball hit nothing before sinking into the side pocket.

“Scratch,” Lex crowed.

I groaned. “Can’t we play a video game?”

“You’re just mad because I’m kicking your ass.” She pulled the cue ball from the pocket and looked at me. “If you paid half as much attention to the game as you do to their conversation, you might actually win.”

“Why do you always gotta bust my balls?”

“Because it’s fun.” She waved her hand in dismissal. “Run along and find out what their planning before you go nuts.”

I smashed her faux hawk. She grumbled as she spiked it back up. I walked up and leaned on the back of Sarah’s chair. All three were mired in silent conversation.

“So am I going with you guys to clean up, or what?” I asked.

Sarah started, surprised to find me
behind her. Ash was aggravated and Verloren seemed miffed, as if he were losing an argument.

What’s the fight about?
I asked Ash.

“We’re not arguing, we’re just disagreeing on how so
me things need to be dealt with,” Ash said.

“In my book, that’s called fucking arguing,” I said.

“You might as well tell him,” Sarah said. “He’ll just aggravate us to death until you do.”

“Sarah refuses to turn Verloren,” Ash said. “She believes it will cause him pain because they don’t share an emotional connection. Verloren knows she’s right. That’s
why Jesse reacted the way he did when I bit him. When there is no emotional connection, the bite is excruciating.”

I remembered the demon’s howls of anguish, the memory’s pain reverberated between Ash, Verloren, and me.

Ash said: “The only way it wouldn’t cause him pain is for me to do it and we don’t know what that would do.”

Sarah spoke up. “I suggested she test it on someone else first.”

“Wait a minute… you’re going to do this?” I asked.

“I’m not conducting an experiment,” Ash snapped at Sarah.

“You don’t have to,” said Verloren. “I’ll find a way back if it goes wrong.”

“I won’t lose you again!” Ash sobbed.

“And now you see the dilemma,” Sarah grumbled.

“Please,” Verloren whispered, touching Ash’s cheek.

I put my wall up. Here was my chance. I could be the guinea pig and live forever. I could be powerful and stronger than any other werewolf. Could I find a smooth way to suggest it?

“You can try it on someone else,” I told Ash.

“Incarnates won’t sign up for a suicide mission,” she said. “You and I have a connection, but what if that can only happen with incarnates? And what if I wound up with a bond to the volunteer? The incarnate volunteer could turn into some kind of abomination, not living, but not dead.”

“You wouldn’t have to make a new connection. You can change me,” I said.

“No!” Verloren and Ash spoke in unison.

“It would have to be a born knowing to be certain,” Sarah said.

The rejection infuriated me and I had to stifle a shift. “You guys are a bunch of fucking cowards. Find another vampire to bite his ass since Sarah is too chicken shit. Or get Jack to do it.” He could wither in pain for all I cared.

“I won’t let someone else do it,” Ash said. “Verloren has confirmed what Sarah was afraid of. It will be painful for him. And my bite is unpredictable.”

“I will come back,” Verloren insisted.

“What if you can’t? We don’t know for sure that a soul can survive my virus.”

Verloren whispered: “I will always find a way back to you.”

The two of them stared at each other
, continuing their conversation in silence. Verloren looked as if he was about to break down.

“Al
l right,” Ashley said, “but with conditions. I’ll turn you, but if anything bad happens, I’ll give you two years, then I follow.”

Verloren hesitated, then finally nodded.

“What?” I shouted. “No! You’re not going to kill yourself if this—”

“What does it matter to you, Jason?” Verloren asked.

“It’s fucking stupid. She doesn’t have to kill herself.”

“You don’t understand what it’s like to lose your soul mate,” he said.

I snapped, nearly losing all control. I loomed over him and pointed in his face. I tensed to stay human, shouting: “You’re the one who doesn’t understand! I was here the whole time! I felt everything she felt; don’t tell me I don’t know how it feels, because I know exactly how it feels! I felt every fucking hurt!”

Verloren smacked my hand away and stood up. His face was only inches from mine. “You only stayed to try and fuck her,” he hissed. “It’s the only reason you want her to turn you now!”

“You told me to stay and take care of her, dip shit!” I shoved him back onto the sofa. I tensed my muscles, held my shape, and growled: “She would have died without me! I was keeping my promise to you! That’s what friends do!” Suddenly the tugging froze my chest. I shivered and stepped backward. Somehow I knew Oz was in her werewolf shift. My body was reacting to hers, wherever she was.

Their eyes connected with mine. I dropped the anger like a receiver fumbling a football. I didn’t try to recover.

“She’s close, isn’t she?” Verloren said.

Longing burned through me, but I resisted telling them. It didn’t matter. They knew.

“You’ll still have her when I’m gone,” Ash said. She took Verloren’s hand. “This is what I want, Jason, to be with Verloren wherever he is. Whether that’s here, or in oblivion, I don’t care. As long as I’m with him, I’m okay.”

I felt weak, vulnerable
, and exposed. “Do whatever you want,” I growled. “If it tickles you fucking pink to blow your head off, then do it.”

Verloren chuckled. “I can’t wait to see you falling all over this girl.”

“Shut the fuck up,” I mumbled.

“It won’t make you weak to give in,” Ash said. “You’re about to run out of excuses.” She whispered to Verloren: “I’ll go with Sarah and feed. Then when I get back…” She trailed off, embarrassed.

Verloren smiled. “Either I’ll join you or you’ll follow me.”

“Gross,” I complained. “You guys are doing it here? At least Sarah didn’t subject us all to that noise.”

“You enjoy it, you pervert!” Ash yelled.

“I don’t just hear you,” I said. “Our emotions are too integrated. I feel what you feel, and being a man… it’s… fucking frustrating.”

Sarah stifled a giggle. I shot her a venomous look.

“We’ll have to stay here,” Verloren said. “We need a controlled environment.”

Sarah kept a lid on her laughter.

“What’s so funny?” I growled.

“It’s funny that you are always so worried about how much noise people make, when you’re the loudest.”

“What?” I barked.

“You are loud, Jason,” Lex said.

I burned with embarrassment.

“It’s a werewolf thing,” Verloren said.

“Did I miss the memo about this being ‘fuck with Jason day’?” I asked. No one bothered to answer.

16
UNKNOWN SHADOW

The plan was cut-and-dried. They’d pissed me off so I would shut up. Now I turned the volume up and let Us, From Outside fill the car.

I drove the Lincoln as Ash and Sarah chitchatted in back. We were going to Seattle. The tugging in my chest faded as I headed east. Unlike before, this was now my safest direction.

In the back seat they debated whether to share a meal. “It’s a waste of resources to take three people,” Ash said.

“Ashley, I’ve done this,” Sarah replied. “You need to feed as much as possible. Half isn’t going to do it. It would probably be better if you had two to yourself.”

“No, two is way too many. It’ll be bad enough if three people go missing in one night. I say share one,” Ash told her. “That way it’s only two people missing.”

Sarah lowered her voice to a whisper: “I’m telling you. Once you’ve bitten him and the lust takes over, it’s going to be hard to control yourself. He’s not going to tell you to stop, it will be too orgasmic for him, and you could end up killing him. Think about what it was like when you were bitten.”

I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw Ash’s face. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Mind your own business, Jason!” Ash yelled.

I turned the volume down. “So it’s okay to give me a hard time about fucking, but if I say anything, I’m a pervert. Sarah’s right. I’ve been around vampires long enough to know you really need to feed as much as possible. First off, you’re a vampire, and everything she said is true. Second, you were a dragon; you feed off sex, so it might be more intense than a regular vampire. And third, you haven’t gotten laid in a long time, and I’m sure you’re going to fuck his brains out. He’ll be lucky if he lives, though I have to say, that would be one hell of a way to go.”

Ash smacked me on the back
of the head, then bared her fangs and growled.

“Ouch! Damn it
, Ash!” I rubbed the back of my head. “What the hell?”

“Mind your own business, pervert!”

“I’m just telling you the fucking truth,” I mumbled, and watched Lake Crescent slide by in the sunset.

“I have enough to worry about without everyone telling me I’m going to kill him. No one is even worried about what he might become. You seem more worried about what we’re going to be doing behind closed doors than anything else.”

“Hey,” I protested, “who the fuck do you think is going to have to put him down if it goes bad? Would you volunteer? I don’t think so. Then once I’d killed him, think what a pleasure it would be to hang around you. Not only would your grief go into high gear, but I’ll be the one who did him in. We’d get along great after that.”

They fell silent. I blocked my thoughts from Ash, but I knew I’d hurt her. Still, we couldn’t avoid the fact that this was an experiment, so there was no sense getting her hopes up. It could all come crashing down on her head.

Fabi
was on the ground. Why did the angel have to be so weak? She should be able to stop this. Ashley pinned Jesse, but the demon still struggled. Verloren and I wrestled for the gun. One of these three had to stop this. There was only one solution.

“Kill me!” I yelled.

Fabi rose to her feet. Smoke obscured everything. It was just me and Verloren struggling for control of the weapon.

The demon hissed: “That was a huge failure.”

I growled in frustration. I was about to kill my best friend, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“Jason! Kill Ashley!” the demon yelled.

Verloren and Fabi both shouted. My spine surged, and the command ran like energy through my arm. I yanked the gun from Verloren. The smoke cleared, and I pointed the gun as Fabi lurched forward. Ash closed her eyes as I pulled the trigger.

The bullet made an odd sound as it ricochete
d off Fabi. Verloren shook, then his body went limp.

After a few awkward seconds I turned the music back up.

I’m sorry,
Ash told me.

Sorry for what? You didn’t do anything. I’m just trying to be realistic.

I keep putting you in these screwed up situations where you end up looking like the bad guy.

It doesn’t matter; I’m a bad guy anyway.

But you’re not really. Deep down… you’re really a good guy.

Are we going to talk about our feelings now? Because I’d rather not.
You’re such a girl.

She ignored me.
You were willing to sacrifice yourself for Verloren. Then… you stayed and took care of me, to keep me alive. You hunted me down and saved me from myself a second time. You were willing to become immortal to take care of me, even though the outcome could have been bad… I just wanted to thank you.

Loyal, like the family dog,
I thought.

Have you given her any more thought?

As the tugging faded it was getting easier.

Why?
I asked.

When are you going to go to her?

Are we really going to talk about this?
I thought angrily.
I’m not. If she wants me, she can find me. I told you that I would stay with you until she came for me.

Well that’s shitty.

Why? Isn’t it a double standard? It’s okay for a man to chase after a woman, but the tables can’t be turned? If it really is a soul mate thing, then she has to feel the same pull. She can find me.

The rest of the ride was quiet. I napped on the ferry, while Ash and Sarah hid themselves in the back seat. Neither one of them had bothered to color their hair, so they pulled their hoods to cover it. Ash still had to hide her nubby black horns.

I thought about picking up a girl just to ruffle Ash’s feathers. She would share a room with Sarah, and I could have a room to my own, so why not make a night of it? I drove south on 5 in silence.

Finally Ash said: “Where are you going? You just missed our exit.”

“I want to go to the Can Can,” I said.

“You would,” Sarah grumbled under her breath.

“No, Jason. We’re going to a club where it will be crowded,” Ash said.

“The Can Can will be crowded,” I told them.

Sarah spoke: “Find one of the big clubs so we can get in and out.”

“What, you’re not going to play with your food this time?” I said.

Sarah ignored me. I headed for a large club that wouldn’t have a line. With Ash’s horns showing, Sarah wanted to get in and hide quickly. Some clubs didn’t allow hats and baggy clothes, but I picked one that didn’t have a dress code.

We walked in as a group. The girls went straight for the shadows along the wall. I had only taken a few steps toward the bar when the smell hit me. Either there was a
fucking troll in here or one had just left. I gagged as I pushed through the crowd. We would rush this one. I ordered three shots and made my way back to the girls.

When I found them, they’d multiplied. Two girls talked to Sarah. Ash shied away from them, preferring more anonymity in her hunts. Ash smelled the troll, and wrinkled her nose.

Sarah was wrapped up in conversation, so I sidled up to Ash and handed her two shots. She needed the liquid courage. Sarah was too busy flapping her gums to drink. I could feel Ash’s anxiety. She absolutely hated large crowds and didn’t do well with meeting new people.

She fidgeted. Her nerves were getting the best of her. Verloren
’s fate rested on her shoulders and that was eating at her. I drank my shot and pictured Tyler touching her. Verloren always did that too. Maybe Ash needed to be comforted. I took her cold hand and gave her a reassuring nod. She smiled at me wearily. One of Sarah’s new friends eyed me.

“Hey… it’s the face!” the girl cried.

I looked at her again, suddenly realizing that this was Oz’s vampire, Sandy. I scanned the room franticly.

“Oh… don’t worry.” Sandy laid her hand on my arm. “She’s not here.” She looked at Ash. “You sure did get her panties in a bunch.” She laughed.

Ash mimicked my look of confusion as she read Sandy’s mind.

Sandy noticed a tall girl with short spiked blonde hair who’d just stepped up beside her. “Oh… sorry
, Kristy.”

Kristy stared as Ash shook her hand free of mine. The new girl examined me, nervously running her hand through her short hair, then scratching her scalp. She looked pissed off about something.

“Where’s Oz?” Sarah asked Sandy.

Sandy opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off, snapping: “I don’t want to know.”

Sandy recoiled. The troll stench was getting to me, and now Sandy wanted to tell me exactly what I didn’t want to know. I had to get out of there.

Kristy’s anger transformed into glee. She stared at me, smiling smugly. She stepped into the darkness where she disappeared into thin air. Ash saw Kristy vanish. With all her attention on Sandy, Sarah missed it.

The blonde was a shadow swimmer, a rare breed who could be damn handy. They could walk into a shadow, disappear, and then reappear in any other shadow anywhere in the world — a cross between transporter and chameleon. We could’ve used a shadow swimmer at our house. They could instantly go anywhere in our huge, shadowy forest. She would be a great match for the gargoyles.

As Sandy rambled on to Sarah, I thought about what I’d just seen: my first swimmer. I’d heard of them, and maybe I’d seen them, but if I had, I was unaware. I wondered, why had she left? Or had she left at all? If so, where did she go? Why had she smiled strangely at me before she disappeared? Did she know Oz? Had she gone to her to tell her where I was? Ash’s anxiety fed my paranoia, and I began to feel jittery.

I nudged Ash, and whispered: “I’ll be in the car. Hurry up.”

Why?
she asked.

I don’t want to be here.

I don’t either, it stinks. She’s not close, Jason. You’d be able to feel it.

I know you’ve read Sandy’s mind, but I don’t want to know where she is. Don’t tell me
… I just want to get away from this troll-ass stench.

Ash replied:
I knew where she was before we came because Verloren told me, not Sandy. That other girl, the one who disappeared… She’s Oz’s ex-girlfriend. She went to tell Oz she saw you holding hands with another girl. Kristy dumped Oz the night you two saw each other and now Oz won’t take her back. Kristy’s sorry she dumped her and wants her back.

I wasn’t sure how to take that. Did I care if news about me crushed Oz, or kept us apart? Or maybe it would just get her off my back for a while. Maybe she’d stop looking for me. The whole thing pissed me off, but I wanted to keep my thoughts to myself for once. I was fighting to do that, and I was losing. The smell didn’t help. I could feel my body tensing, and trying to shift. Ash was catching some of my thoughts. I left abruptly.

I stormed outside where I gulped the cool night air. In the car I sat back and felt Ash’s anxious reactions to the big crowd inside. Then I sensed the tug. It was faint. Should I have let them tell me where Oz was? Maybe it was time to find her. If she got word I was with someone else would she still come looking? Did I care?

I was running out of excuses. Verloren’s presence had angered me, but I’d come to accept it. I no longer had any reasons to stay. Ash wasn’t going to be my priority much longer. I could see change coming, but I had no idea what that meant.

Fifteen minutes into my meditations, the girls came out with another girl and a guy. It was mealtime.