Phillip Adams (27 page)

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Some letters are very perceptive: Harold, of Deception Bay, Queensland, wrote, ‘Someone once remembered that, for Westerners, the aim of life is to do and for Easterners it is to be — to be one with entire life, which embraces nature, to be one with the cosmos. This is what has priority in old Chinese thinking.'

Joe, of Casino, NSW, wrote: ‘You have done a fair job of beautifying Gough Whitlam. My favourite joke about the great man runs like this: Gough and Margaret had retired for the night and Margaret threw herself on the bed said, ‘God, I'm tired!' Gough patiently remonstrated with her, saying, ‘Margaret, when we are alone, do you think you could call me Gough?'

Peter, of Mt Lawley, Western Australia, wrote: ‘Cheer up, old boy. You are not completely to blame for your putrid manners, boofhead appearance and complete lack of any decent behaviour. Your ancestors, if they are identifiable, must share some of the responsibility. Please try harder.'

Lucy, of Cascades in Tasmania, wrote: ‘Your talk on eugenics reminded me of how, a few years ago, a teacher friend of mine was asked by a pupil the meaning of the word. The teacher replied it meant not leaving human reproduction to anything as random as love but instead choosing a partner by what is in his or her genes. As this sounded like “jeans”, you can imagine the hilarity it caused.'

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Even as a schoolboy, Adams admired women: Marie, of Hawthorn, Melbourne, was a young teacher at Eltham High when Adams was there as a student and wrote, ‘I remember you so well, always on the edge of any shenanigans, enjoying to the full but not participating — an admirable but safe position. You made my day on one occasion after a female teachers' beauty contest at an Open Day or some such event. You said I had the best legs. If it was so then, I wish it were still so!'

Rosemary, of Queanbeyan, NSW, wrote in support of Adams' campaign over the Stolen Generation. She said she remembers in Alice Springs in 1950, when she was visiting a friend near Heavy Tree Gap, she saw a small group of people walking down the road. Suddenly, a utility appeared. It stopped and two white men jumped out and snatched a small child from the group and drove off again.

Lucy, of Hawthorn, Melbourne, wrote: ‘I wish you would stop suggesting that the net isolates people. I have made contact with three members of my extended family who I had completely lost contact with, thanks to the net.'

Robert, of Charlestown, NSW, wrote: ‘In spite of all your diatribes against God for so many years, about 80 per cent of people still believe in God. How many people have you made happy by destroying their belief in God?'

Norman, of Castlemaine in Victoria, wrote: ‘Lesley's here, staying for the weekend. Gives her a break from her boyfriend Greg in Bendigo and her ex, Laurie, who boards with her. Apparently Greg has acquired a brain injury and is friends with the bikies that drink at the Victoria Hotel, Bendigo, and even threatened to kill Lesley and Laurie over something. They even blackmailed Greg into getting Lesley stoned for the first time about a month back. Lesley brought me a Christmas present,
The Phillip Adams and Patrice Joke Book
. Second-hand but okay. I think the last owner (due to the penciled stuff in it) was a name I recognised as a psycho patient.'

Martin, of St Leonards, Sydney, wrote: ‘When I was picking up the kids from school on Tuesday, the usual coven of mums was sheltering under a tree talking about you and
LNL
. They all knew you had been unwell. They said that you always sound as if you are confiding in just them and ask the questions they would ask. You sound the nearest in Oz to a public moral conscience.'

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R J R, of Adelaide, wrote: ‘I'm disappointed to find you so thin-skinned. You dish it out on a weekly basis, but a minor wrap from
Media Watch
and you behave like a big girl's blouse.'

Millie, ‘a worried Gladys', emailed, ‘Re: $9billion spending on defence. Please tell me why we spend so much on defence when we are not at war with any country that might invade us, nor might any other country threaten us. Please tell me how this amount compares with the budgets for education, health or community services.'

Rosemary, of Jimboomba in Queensland, wrote, ‘The awful subject of child abuse continues to rear its ugly head, but the very worst aspect is the painful spiritual abuse that so many children experience at the hands of a father figure. Mothers can be father figures also. The experience turns children into the agnostics, atheists and god-haters who proliferate in our world. To search for God, Phillip, is the one important thing you will ever do in your life.'

Tony, of Bowden, South Australia, wrote, ‘I have just returned from three months in the UK and Ireland. Daily I have read
The Guardian, Independent, Scotsman, Irish Independent,
even the
Daily
Telegraph
, and I have watched the BBC, ITV, Channel Four and Five. When I returned to Australia, never have I read so much crap and watched so much shit, especially in
The Australian,
The Advertiser, The Sydney Morning Herald
and
The Age
and on ABCTV and SBS. You are a media analyst. Why is there so much childish crap in Australian media? And why, oh why can't people speak English? Even
The South Wales Evening Post
is better than
The Australian
, although it's gone downhill since Dylan left.'

Pam emailed, ‘You seem to have a finely-tuned bullshit detector. Very handy, as there is a lot of it around.'

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Many letters to Adams talk of tragedy: Jason, of Nakara in the Northern Territory, wrote to him, ‘This note is to tell you that your article in
The Weekend Australian
on love is helping me a lot as I try to cope with the loss of my beloved and loving wife to cancer at the age of 53. My life went into reverse a month ago. The pain was indescribable. You are probably right: “Love is the triumphant response to life's inevitable tragedy.” Love is the only thing that makes life worth living.'

Judith emailed, ‘A wealthy friend of mine seduced doctors, barristers, even a judge and was well paid by them. My husband said to me recently, “She must have had something.” I told him, “She talked her men into thinking they were supermen, then she fucked them. They did not fuck her. What extraordinary children you men are on that note.”'

Tony, of Chirnside Park, Melbourne, wrote, ‘As your listener, I have been faithful for many years. So often I have left my couch to let your dulcet tones gently violate my eardrums. Is this oral sex?'

Julie, of ‘The University from Hell', University of Melbourne, wrote, ‘The university has flung me as from the end of the year. I am not sure what I will do for the rest of my life. The only job in
The Age
classifieds that appeals to me so far is as a barge attendant in Nauru … Someone on one of your programs reminded me of the lady who, when asked how many husbands she had had, replied, “Including my own?'”

Jock emailed, ‘Dear Phil. Do you want to come to my birthday party? I've got a new cook and there will be lots of pink gin, beer, cakes and all sorts of splendid amusements.'

Susan emailed hopefully, ‘I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember the sex was so good that I fainted. If you manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number?'

Alastair, of Lower Templestowe, Melbourne, wrote, ‘Hello, my name is Adam. I am 26 and currently studying in Melbourne and I enjoy your program very much. In fact, it is one of the very few shows in the whole broadcasting world worth listening to. I look forward very much to the day we meet, perhaps in London, as my folks are very much part of the West End scene and we might bump into each other one sunny day.'

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Many letters criticise Adams: Graham, of Yarralumla, ACT, wrote, ‘I have had less and less enthusiasm for
LNL
, partly because of the dreary topics covered but mainly because of the way you allow some characters to waffle on without seriously challenging them. You don't declare yourself as standing for anything (except Egyptian mummies) and seem content to demonstrate your brand of warm, moist empathy as if that's a substitute for real content. The ABC reeks of it.'

Anne, of Devonport in Tasmania, wrote, ‘I am writing to thank you for my best English teacher. I am 13 years old and in Grade 8. My first eager task every weekend for many years has been to turn to
The Weekend Australian
and read your column. No-one else I know uses language as you do. I sometimes wet my pants laughing.'

Most letters to Adams are full of slices of life: Kristian, of Junee, NSW, wrote, ‘Genes do play a major part. I have the crankiest sadist as a husband, the living image of his dead sadistic mother, and she could give the Marquis de Sade points. I am told our eldest daughter, who is as sweet as a nut and kindness personified, has this ugly jealousy, too.'

Edward, of Whyalla, South Australia, wrote, ‘I am writing in reply to your letter. So you regard my letter and opinions as disgusting. You got upset, you poor little thing. A large part of the Australian community supports the detention of asylum-seekers. Likewise with Aborigines. I would round them all up, build a large camp capable of holding all 400,000 of them, surround it with 20ft-high cement walls, top it with 2000-volt electric wire and let them cope. If they want food, let them eat each other.'

Leonie emailed, ‘I am a struggling artist. At first I struggled with who I was, then with those around me, who I love. Art at present in Australia seems to be heavily influenced by old-fashioned emus. Surely the Archibald Prize should be more at the cutting edge of art than it is. Or is art such a puzzle that even the judges don't know what it is about?'

Adams told me nothing causes more angry letters than the Israel-Palestine conflict: John emailed, ‘Israel and Pakistan need to be urgently squashed to death like the cockroaches they are. You are over-influenced — even scared — by the Jewish holocaust. The Jews are the Nazis of today. The holocaust is in Palestine and the jackboots are on Jewish soldiers.'

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Religion causes anger in many letters to Adams: Michael, of Burswood in Perth, wrote, ‘You border on being blasphemous with your remarks about the Lord Jesus Christ. Demons come in many shapes and sizes and forms. Some of them are huge and some are so small that you breathe them in and sneeze them out when they want to change house. If you want to see a real live demon, go to the following address on a Saturday morning … The demon goes to town on a Friday night and when it returns in the morning, its wings make a sound like a helicopter. Then it does a U-turn and stops at the corner of the house, lets out a loud squawk and disappears.'

Andrew emailed: ‘There is no doubt that religion is the worst thing that ever happened to God. Doctrines, dogmas and the Bible ask people to park their brains at the door of the church. They have left God with a congregation of scared, weird and little people.'

Horst, of Molendinar, Queensland, wrote, ‘Phillip, you are truly in a mess of your own doing. You have become an emotional wreck. You have capitulated to demon forces who are playing on you and laughing at you for being so vulnerable.'

Steve, of Bellingen, NSW, wrote, ‘I think the Australian media is partly responsible for the people's sports obsession. The commercial media tend to make more money out of the projection of sport than out of any intellectual forum.'

Letters and emails contained many home truths: Gunnar emailed, ‘I had a discussion recently with a retired major general, who has fought in four wars (World War 11, Korea, Malaysia and Vietnam) and he said war is rarely justified and never achieves anything except mass misery.'

Michael, of Queanbeyan, wrote, ‘It's time! It's time you did it again, Phillip — get the Oz film industry re-started. You did it before, almost single-handed. Why not another effort? I've just met friends in the film industry and, I tell you, they are worried.'

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Andrew said he was from Perth in Tasmania and emailed, ‘Thank you for your accurate, brutally honest and courageous attack on us, the public, in
The Weekend Australian Magazine
, “Ignorance is no defence.” Once again, you have hit it (us) right on the head. A dear friend and I are constantly pulling our hair out at the “She'll be right, mate” attitude of friends, work colleagues, acquaintances and strangers we encounter in our daily lives.'

Alex emailed, ‘I am 20 years' old and began reading your articles three years ago. Thank you for opening my eyes, Mr Adams. I appreciate your relentless ability to not accept the world as it is and to strive instead to make others aware. You are a beacon of light.'

Josie, of Camp Hill, Queensland, wrote, ‘Last night I picked up a woman and brought her to my house for a visit. My friend was visibly upset telling me that in the past few weeks she had found out that her two daughters (now 25 and 29, then four and eight) were sexually molested by the man she lived with after her husband left. The widespread repercussions of the terrible things that people perpetuate on one another are complex and far-flung.'