Pieces of My Heart (35 page)

39

A few days later, Donna phoned me. She had been to see Ali the evening before. ‘I just wanted to tell you that I thought she was a bit better today.’

‘Really? That’s great.’ I was thrilled to hear this. Any improvement made my hopes soar.

‘I brought her in some stuff to decorate her room – you know, just some posters and photos.’

‘Ah, Donna, you’re very thoughtful.’

‘It’s no big deal. But she seemed pleased. We were looking through the photos and there were a few from our school trip to Paris. It was brilliant and Ali looks gorgeous in the pictures, so I thought they might remind her of when she was happy and healthy. I think it kind of worked because she perked up a bit. And then I told her about David.’

‘What about him?’ I didn’t like the sound of this. I didn’t want anyone mentioning David around Ali. I was afraid it would set her off again. I wanted her to forget him and his stupid skinny girlfriend.

‘He’s broken up with Tracy. He got bored with her because she’s so thick and all she wanted to talk about was modelling or the calorie content in food.’

‘Oh.’ That sounded good. If Ali thought David had dumped his girlfriend because she was obsessed with food, maybe she’d stop her own obsessing. ‘What did Ali say?’

‘Not much, but I could see she was thrilled. She was just worried about David thinking she was in a loony bin, but I told her Sarah had done an amazing job in school telling everyone that Ali had nervous exhaustion from studying too much and that she’d gone to a top-secret clinic where all the celebrities go for a rest.’

‘Do the other kids really believe it?’

‘Some people have guessed it’s anorexia, but Sarah’s pretty convincing. Anyway, I told Ali about Stephen Green’s eighteenth birthday party, which is in March. It’s going to be mega, so I said that maybe she should focus on trying to get well for that. It’d be so cool if she could come to it. She seemed excited so maybe she’ll eat more now.’

‘Donna, you’re a star. Thanks so much for doing that. You really are an amazing friend. I owe you.’

‘It’s no problem. I’m happy to help.’

I hung up on a high. Maybe this would prompt the breakthrough Ali needed. Good old Donna.

The day got even better when Ali called to tell me she had just eaten a small scoop of low-fat chocolate ice cream. It wasn’t exactly steak and chips, but she was volunteering to eat food she’d liked before the anorexia had set in, which was a really positive step.

‘That’s fantastic, Ali, I’m thrilled. I’m so proud of you,’ I said.

‘Thanks, Mum. Thanks for supporting me,’ she said, beginning to sob.

‘Oh, Ali, don’t cry, this is great news.’

‘It’s not that – I’m just so worried about Emily.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘She’s really depressed and I’m scared she’s going to hurt herself again.’

‘That’s for the nurses and doctors to deal with. You can’t start worrying about that. You need to focus on yourself and your recovery.’

‘I am, but Emily’s my friend and she’s really down.’

I suddenly remembered the family session when Mary had said, ‘Sometimes you just need to listen.’ I bit my tongue and didn’t tell Ali to forget about Emily, to ignore Emily, to shut the door on Emily and focus on her own problems. I didn’t say that taking on someone else’s issues right now was not a good idea. I didn’t tell her to find a friend who was getting better and not one who was getting worse … I shut up and listened.

‘I’m sorry to hear she’s down. What happened today?’

Ali told me that Emily had stopped by her room for a chat, as she did every morning, but this time she’d seemed particularly blue.

‘I’ve lost a pound and three-quarters so they’re putting me back on bed-rest.’ She wept as she hopped around Ali’s room.

‘Oh, Emily, I’m so sorry.’

‘I can’t bear it, Alison. I can’t go back on bed-rest – I just can’t. I’ll never get out of here. I’m trying really hard, but the hopping is out of control. I wish I could stop. I’m so tired, my legs are in agony, but I just can’t. I hate my life. I’ll be stuck here for ever.’

‘No, you won’t – this is just a setback.’

‘My whole life is made up of setbacks.’

‘Come on, Emily. Look, I’ve put on weight. And if I can do it, so can you. Just eat a little more every day. Two good days’ eating and you’ll be OK again.’

She shook her head sadly. ‘It’s my third time back in here. I can’t seem to survive outside the clinic. I’ve tried so hard, but I just can’t do it. I get so scared when I’m making my own lunches. Everything looks so big and fattening. It’s easier in here where everything is measured for you. It’s so hard on your own and it’s easy not to eat when no one is supervising you. I just can’t do it.’

‘I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t we try to get out of here at the same time and then we can help each other when we’re at home? Maybe we could have the same meal plan. That would work really well. We could call each other every night to check how we’re doing.’

‘I’d just drag you down. I’m a hopeless case.’

‘No, you’re not. You’re a brilliant person who deserves a break. I know you don’t have much support at home so I’d be glad to help.’

‘Thanks. You’re really nice to offer but I know you’ll be out of here long before me and getting on with your life.’

‘We both need to be out of here and getting on with our lives. Look at this photo.’ Ali showed Emily one of her and Donna in Paris. ‘That’s what we need to get back to. Happy times when food didn’t control our lives. Come on, we’ll do it together. I’ll help you.’

‘You’re a really sweet person and I know you want to help, but the only person who can save me is me, and I’m not strong enough.’

‘Don’t say that. You are strong – look at all the crap you’ve had to deal with in your life and how well you’ve done it.’

‘I’m in a clinic with anorexia and OCD. I don’t think I’m doing such a great job.’

‘Emily, most people with abusive alcoholic fathers would be in loony bins. You’re doing great.’

‘I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. I just don’t want to fight any more.’

‘You need a good night’s sleep. Ask Denise to give you a strong sleeping tablet and I bet everything will look less depressing in the morning.’

Emily smiled. ‘Maybe you’re right. Thanks, Alison, you’re a really good friend.’

‘Sleep well. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘You see, Mum,’ Ali sobbed, ‘that’s when I realized how lucky I am. I only have to deal with food. Emily has to deal with OCD and self-harming. I think that maybe if I can show Emily there is life after the clinic, it’ll inspire her to get better too.’

As sorry as I felt for Emily, I really wished Ali would stop worrying about her. Ali needed to focus on her own problems. I chose my words very carefully. ‘That’s great, Ali. I’m sure you getting better will inspire all the girls. It’ll make us very happy, too.’

‘I know, so that’s why I asked Denise to get me the ice cream. But it was so hard to eat it, Mum. I really had to fight to put every bit in my mouth, but I did it!’

‘Good for you. Did it taste nice?’

‘Amazing! I’d forgotten how much I loved it.’

I did a silent dance. ‘That’s brilliant, Ali. You’re taking back control of your life.’

‘In one way I feel like I’ve taken control, but in another really scary way I feel like I’m losing it.’

‘Well, Mary said it would be an uphill battle. So this is your first big victory and that’s always the hardest one. From now on it should get easier. I’m so proud of you, Ali. This is a real breakthrough.’

‘Thanks, Mum. I’d better go.’

‘Sleep well.’

When Paul came in from work I told him the good news. ‘You’re telling me that Ali ate a spoonful of low-fat ice cream?’

‘Yes, isn’t that brilliant?’

‘I’m sorry, Ava, but I find it hard to jump around cheering about this. It’s not exactly a Big Mac.’

‘It’s a start. And the fact that she asked for it is actually a huge deal, so get excited because Denise thinks this is a big breakthrough. And Mary rang – she said that Ali had written a very strong letter to anorexia and this was also a big step forward. So we have lots to be happy about.’

‘I’ll have to take your word for it.’

‘The only fly in the ointment is her friend Emily.’

‘What’s up with her?’

‘She’s going backwards – she’s on bed-rest again, and Ali seems hell-bent on saving her. She needs her energy for her own recovery.’

‘Typical Ali, always trying to look after everyone else. Isn’t that what landed her in there in the first place? That, and me forcing her to do medicine and you not listening to her properly.’

‘Well, I nearly bit my bloody tongue in half tonight with all the listening. There were so many times I wanted to interrupt her and tell her not to be so bloody ridiculous trying to save other people, but I didn’t. Mary would have been very proud of me. But it was very hard.’

‘Well done. I don’t have a medal handy, will a kiss do?’

‘A kiss would do just fine,’ I said. He leant across and delivered it.

‘And you’ll be pleased to hear I’ve done some homework of my own.’

‘What homework?’

‘Mary said we should all write letters to anorexia, so I wrote mine today.’

Paul pulled a piece of paper out of his coat pocket and handed it to me. ‘It’s a bit rough, I need to work on it, but … well, see for yourself.’

Listen closely, dickhead,

You are a bully and a coward. You hide in my daughter’s head, messing with her mind. But I am stronger than you, louder than you, and I love my daughter more than anything in the world. I will crush you like the piece of shit you are. I will drown you out until you are nothing but a distant memory. You won’t win this battle. It is my role in life to protect my family. You won’t destroy my girl, so fuck off and leave her alone.

Paul

I swallowed the lump in my throat. ‘It’s perfect. Don’t change a single word.’

40

I went to work early the next day to make up for all the time I’d been missing lately. I wanted to ring Helen, about the sweet-sixteen
Moulin Rouge
-themed bonanza that we had coming up. Paddy Collins’s daughter, Annabelle, was turning sixteen and having the party to end all parties. Paddy was estimated to be worth more than two hundred million euros and the party had an open chequebook policy.

‘Any ideas on
Moulin Rouge
-themed food, Helen?’ I asked.

‘I’ve come up with a few. For the canapés I was thinking mini-croissants stuffed with cheeses and hams, crackers in the shape of the Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe, mini quiches, crab claws, Brie and cranberry
croque monsieur
, tomato
tarte Tatin
and baked Camembert with focaccia croûtons.’

‘That sounds fantastic – especially tomato
tarte Tatin
. Brilliant.’

‘They look really good and taste even better – the onion relish gives them a lovely flavour. Now for dinner we’re starting with
foie gras
–’

‘
Foie gras
for teenagers is such a waste,’ I said.

‘I couldn’t agree more, but you said it’s what the Collinses ordered.’

‘You’re right. It just seems so completely over the top. Anyway, sorry for interrupting, go on.’

‘For the main course, the kids get the choice of either beef fillet with tomato polenta and Armagnac sauce or fillet of pan-fried turbot with pepper and fennel purée on basil butter.’

‘My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Dare I ask about dessert?’

‘We’re going to have chocolate cigars, chocolate high-heeled shoes, shortbread can-can girls with chocolate feathers, bodice-shaped sponge cakes with silver-icing laces and little white chocolate gift boxes with red fondant bows.’

‘Wow, Helen! That sounds incredible. How about the cake? Are you going to be able to make a three-foot replica of the Moulin Rouge as requested by the charming Annabelle?’

‘I’m still working on that. It’s going to be expensive.’

‘ “Money no object”, to quote Paddy Collins directly.’

‘They should clone him.’

‘If only all our clients were like that.’

‘Who are you giving out about?’ Sally asked, as she came in and took her coat off.

‘I’m not giving out. I’m saying what a dream client Paddy Collins is. I’m just reminding Helen that his pockets are deep so she doesn’t have to worry about her budget.’

‘Be as creative as you like, Helen. This is your chance to really go all out,’ Sally shouted over my shoulder. Helen laughed.

‘I’ll let you go, Helen. Thanks so much.’ I hung up.

‘You’re in early,’ Sally commented.

‘Feeling guilty for being out so much lately.’

‘Hey, you know I don’t mind. How are things?’

‘I’m almost afraid to say it but I think she’s turned a corner. She ate a scoop of ice cream last night and she sounded stronger than before.’

‘Oh, that’s wonderful. Good old Ali.’

‘Hopefully it’s a turning-point. Anyway, that’s enough about Ali. I ear-bashed you about her for over an hour yesterday. Tell me about Simon. Tell me how in love you are and how romantic it all is. Go on, make me sick.’

‘Well, things are going really well, apart from the certifiable ex-wife. We had to get a barring order for her because she’s still coming to my apartment every night to tell my neighbours that I’m the Scarlet Woman. Mrs O’Brien next door, who has never been particularly nice to me, actually threw holy water over me last week when I was leaving for work to cleanse me of my sins. Simon got doused as well, even though I explained to her that he was a Quaker and therefore a waste of her good water.’

‘Do you think it scared him off?’

‘He thought it was hilarious. That’s the thing about Simon, it’s all so easy. After years of bad relationships and crappy dates, I’ve finally met someone who just fits. I used to worry that because I’d been living on my own for so long I’d become set in my ways but I love sharing my apartment with him. I love having his clothes in my wardrobe and his shaving things in my bathroom. I love having another body in my bed, even though he does hog the duvet. It hasn’t been the really difficult adjustment that I expected. It’s been easy.’