Pieces of Paisley (21 page)
Both covered in sweat, and intertwined with each other, we are silent. We both said all we wanted to with our bodies, and that cements my plans for while we are in Kansas. It scares the shit out of me, but nothing else has ever made me feel the way I do with her in my arms. I know her better than she knows herself and I will make it all right between us. We have a low-key dinner and another round of her body, and I am sated.
I am studying her face as we land in Missouri. My mom and Brian live about twenty minutes from the border, and will be here to pick us up. It isn’t snowing yet, but it won’t be long. I still made sure she packed plenty of warm clothes and I will make sure she layers up if we go out. “It is beautiful, Jake.”
“It is. I love it here.” As bad as I wanted to leave this place last time, I can’t deny it is my home.
My parents are waiting for us and excited as hell we are here together. My mom is sprouting all the plans she has; she wants to take Paisley shopping for Christmas stuff, she wants to take Paisley up to the dental office she works for and introduce her to everyone, she wants to take Paisley here and there. Finally, I have to object. “Mom, I just got back from six months without her. You can’t just take her everywhere and I don’t get any time with her.”
My mom looks at me sheepishly, “Rock, paper, scissors for her?” I start laughing and remind her she is senile and my girl isn’t leaving my side.
Brian says, “Quit trying to cut that girl in pieces, and let everyone enjoy the time together.” His word is final. I look at Paisley and she seems a bit overwhelmed. I know I am being selfish with her time, but I don’t want her out without me afraid someone will mention my predicament to her. Andy joins us that night, and he is totally enamored by her. If it was anyone else I would be ready to kick his ass, but it is my best friend. I trust him with her life, and that is a tall order.
I ask Andy to meet me at the house tomorrow evening, I want him to go somewhere with me. I am taking Paisley to my dad’s farm tomorrow and then I need Andy to help me put something together. He readily agrees and my mom suggests tomorrow evening be friends night. That way Pais can be introduced to everyone at once and doesn’t have to be drug around from house to house.
I am not sure how my dad will act towards her. You never know with that man, but as usual he is standoffish and doesn’t make an effort to take an interest in my life or in her at all. I give up and take Paisley to the barn where I saddle up a horse and try and talk her into a ride. She declines and says she will just watch me. I make sure she gets up on the fence okay and bring a blanket to wrap around her legs, and I set off on a ride to clear my head. I don’t go too far so she is always in my eyesight, and when it is time to leave my dad can’t be found. I don’t mention it and she doesn’t say anything to me but I am in a prickly mood.
I leave her at the table with my mom with a warning to her not to smoke too much. I know she is a bit miffed with me because I won’t let her know where I am going, and I am leaving her here. She wasn’t too happy with me and wasn’t hiding her feelings about my little adventure outside the house without her. I have plans that she needs to be left out of for now. All my friends should be coming over and with any luck they won’t let the cat out of the bag.
Andy and I do what we set out to do, and of course I run into Lisa downtown. That makes my mood even shittier so when I walk in the house and Paisley is half-drunk with a cigarette in her mouth and a full ashtray in between her and my mom, I lose my temper. I yell, cuss and break a glass. I have no idea what set me off, but this is not how Paisley acts. A few of the guys were looking at her with a smitten smile on their faces and doting on her every breath. That was a huge factor. All my friends but Andy scurry out of the house. I look at Paisley’s pale face and shocked expression and before I can apologize, my mom and Andy have dragged me towards the guest room.
They both light into me, telling me how ridiculous I am and how selfish I am to put that girl through all of this. Andy lays it to me, “You are going to drive her away, you and nothing else. Keep your shit together or let her go. She deserves better that what you are giving her.” I want to argue with him, point out her transgressions of drinking and smoking, but I realize what an idiot I sound like. Who fucking cares that she was drinking? She was sitting around my mom’s kitchen table, safe and sound.
“Y’all are done here, I can take care of myself. Please excuse us.” Hearing her voice and the tone of it has me whipping my head up and meeting the most pissed off eyes I have ever seen. Part of me wants to beg my mom to protect me, but she smiles at Paisley and walks out. Andy claps me on the shoulder, a silent good luck and follows my mom out.
“I won’t apologize again, I keep doing it over and over. I just need to fix my shit and stop acting like this.”
“Jake, you can apologize all you want, I won’t accept it. You acted like a dick back there, and not only did you embarrass me, you embarrassed yourself. I don’t know what your malfunction is, but I am tired of you taking it out on me. You did the same shit before you left and it almost destroyed us. I am telling you if you go back to that, I am out. You left with your best friend on a top-secret mission and come back here in a shitty mood, so do you want to tell me what you were up to?”
I stare in her eyes, begging her to trust me, “I can’t, Paisley.”
“Of course you can’t, Jake. As long as you are hiding whatever you are hiding, we don’t have a chance in hell.” I watch her storm out of the room and go right to the kitchen with my mom and light a cigarette. All my plans are going up in smoke, and I have to figure out how to salvage them. It can’t go down like this.
Chapter 19
Paisley
True love is selfless. It is prepared to sacrifice.
I have never been more pissed off in my life. How dare he come in here like a damn Neanderthal, ranting and raving like a lunatic? I try to get to the bottom and get the ‘I can’t’ bullshit he is so fond of spewing. Rose is looking at me like she wants to say something and thank goodness we are as close as we are so I don’t feel bad when I tell her “No, I know he is your son, but don’t make excuses for him right now. I know he is upset from our visit today to his dad, but whatever happened when he and Andy left the house ruined his mood. If he won’t tell me what it is then I will assume the worst.” And I do. I picture him going over and seeing his little girl, and then hating me for having to come back here and be with me. I am taking him away from his little family. I want to kick my own ass for not confronting this head on, but I listened to Kara’s advice. “Pais, let him tell you when he is ready. It isn’t always what it seems.” So I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Right now, I am too pissed off to confront him. I tell Rose I am going to bed and ask her to make Jake sleep in the guest room, I don’t want to be around him right now.
I miss Krista so much right now; I need some advice. Kara isn’t always partial, and my mom . . . forget about it. I cry myself to sleep again; it is becoming a habit I am not fond of. When I awake the next morning and make my way upstairs, I am ready to act like a grown-up and talk things through. Rose informs me that he and Brian aren’t here and left about an hour ago. Once again, he leaves without telling me where he is going and this time without a good-bye. Fuck him. I go to take a shower and get ready. I may be in a strange state and not know where the hell I am, but I will get dressed and take a walk. I won’t be here waiting on him when his ass gets back and let’s see how he likes that. I take time with my hair and make-up, might as well make him really suffer, get dressed, and as I am putting on my boots, Jake comes barreling down the steps. I refuse to look at him and I won’t speak to him.
I stand up to walk up the steps so I can leave, and he blocks my path. I want to tell him to move and quit being a dick, but instead I continue to act like a toddler and refuse to open my mouth. He gives me his half smile that makes his dimple show and I am not caving. Then he drops down to one knee, grabs my hand and makes my heart melt, “Paisley Abigail, I know you are pissed at me. I left last night to get this ready and I left again this morning to get the rest of it.” He pulls out a black box and opens it. Inside is a plain gold band, with a solitaire diamond in the middle . . . a traditional engagement ring. “I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you that. I want to give you the world, and I want you to be proud to have me as a husband. I want to be the man you go to bed with each night and wake up to each morning. I can’t picture any part of my life without you in it, standing by my side as my wife. Will you marry me?”
I hesitate. Is this really what I want? I love him. I do. But are we ready? Making the mistake of looking at him, meeting his gaze with his emotions all over his face, I know I won’t hurt him. We can figure it all out later. “Yes,” I tell him. My voice sounding more sure than I am about this decision. Rose and Brian run down the steps with donuts and roses. This is what he was doing last night, but why was he in a bad mood? Maybe his dad did upset him more than I realized. We are all happy and celebrating, and I decide I need to call my mom.
“Mom, Jake proposed. We are engaged.”
When I get, “Are you sure this is what you want? He didn’t even ask our permission.” At first I thought she was worried for me, but her last statement made me realize she was upset because it wasn’t about her. I roll my eyes and tell her yes I am sure and get off the phone. Rose and Brian leave us alone for a few minutes, and I want to use this time to clear the air. I should be grinning from ear to ear, but I am still apprehensive.
“Jake, this back and forth, high and low attitude has to stop. Last night scared me, and I don’t know what I did to make you so mad, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life on eggshells.”
“You just accepted my proposal, Paisley. Now you are backing out?”
Stubborn man. “No, the one thing I am sure of is that I do want to spend my life with you, just not the man you were last night, or right before you left for deployment. I want Paisley and Jake back, the one where you calmed me and not scared me, and the one where you were my light instead of throwing me into the dark. I let down every wall I had for you, and I don’t regret it. I don’t think I ever will, I never knew I could experience this feeling . . . the feeling you give me.” I pause so I can formulate my next words correctly without it being an ultimatum, “But I won’t live in a constant state of the unknown. You make me happy, but you also make me very sad at times, and I won’t allow my life to be in a constant state of turmoil. I love you, I want you and right now I do need you, but if push comes to shove and you keep on the path you are on, there may come a day where I don’t need you, and I can live with loving and wanting you without you in my life.”
I loathe that I just took what should be the happiest moment in our lives to date and threw a storm cloud over us, but I have to let him know how his behavior is affecting us. I may grin and bear it but he is fucking with my head and I won’t be that girl. I won’t be my mother whose identity is based on having a man; my sisters have fallen in that trap and I would rather be alone the rest of my life then become them. I know if Jake and I end, I will be alone because I won’t ever sacrifice myself and emotions like this again. I have allowed him to make me vulnerable, and unsure of myself and he is the only one I will ever surrender myself for. His love is that powerful over me.
“God, Paisley, I promise to always be the man you need. I have made so many mistakes, but I am done. The only thing I care about is you by my side, permanently. I know things haven’t been easy, and I take the blame. So many of my doubts have been put to ease since the moment you said ‘yes.’ Your love has left me wide open, and it is an unfamiliar yet very wanted feeling. I don’t think you realize the power you have over me. One look from you, and you can gut me or heal me. I know what I have done, and I am not proud. I see what it has done to you, what it could have done to us, and I have no desire to ever put us through that again. I only want to move forward, together. I still have the urge to protect you, keep you happy and take on the entire burden myself, but I hear you. You want to be an equal, and all I can do is promise to do my best.” His words just soothed my soul, calmed my fears and eased my doubts. I am staring into the eyes of the man I am going to marry.
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Since the rest of our time in Kansas went without issue and Jake was back to being the man I fell in love with, I let all my insecurities fade away. I love the new apartment, and since I have technically graduated and eighteen I moved in with him. He is pushing a wedding date, along with my mother and his, but I don’t want to plan a big wedding. He wants to have it here, for it to be easier for me and my family but wants it before he gets out so I move back with him. He is making all the plans for our move, and our life without consulting with me, at all.