Pieces of Paisley (25 page)
Chapter 23
Paisley
(Kevin)
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
After Valentine’s Day I swore off dating for a while. I just couldn’t do it. Unfortunately that wasn’t true for Jake. He and Autumn have become quite comfortable. As in, he gets out of the Navy in four weeks and she is moving with him, as his fiancé. Rose is devastated, said he isn’t thinking clearly and still upset over the demise of us. That is a funny way of showing it. It killed me to have to do it, but I told Rose I needed a break from her for a while. I had to cut all things Jake out of my life. Oh, did I mention he is getting married the same day we planned? I guess it is convenient because his family will be down here anyway.
Rick has duty tonight, so my mom is keeping Adaleigh, and Kara and I are going out. I don’t care where we go, as long as it involves alcohol. We end up at some club and are having a blast dancing and getting drunk by sneaking into the bathroom with our miniature’s we snuck in. I feel arms encircle my waist and then a body up against me, grinding on me. I am about to go off on whoever it is, but I turn around, and I can’t. This guy is fucking gorgeous. Dark hair, dark eyes, and an olive complexion. When he flashes his smile at me I want to lick his dimples, and it is the type of smile that says he knows what he does to you. I turn back around and let him dance on me for a few songs.
I need a break and I motion to Kara I am going to find a table for a few and she nods and stays there dancing. Dancing Dream follows me and sits opposite of me. “Hello, Paisley.” How the hell does this guy know my name?
“And you know me how?”
“Jake’s girl.” He is so matter of fact, waiting for me to correct him.
“You mean ex girl? And how do you know Jake?”
“Was wondering if the rumor was true, so when I saw you I decided to take my chances. I am on the ship with Jake, and I have seen you several times. I was always envious of the lucky bastard, but not anymore.” Okay, great. How do I handle this?
“Wanna tell me who you are?”
“Kevin Jones. Sorry about that, guess I shouldn’t have assumed you knew me.”
“I think I would have remembered being introduced to you.” I can’t believe I just blurted that out. By the smirk he gives me, he caught what I said. I chat and dance with him the rest of the night, and at the end of the night when he kisses me good night, I feel it in my toes. Of course, that could be all the alcohol I consumed with his lethal looks and not the actual kiss. I stupidly give him my number and head home.
And so commences him calling and texting, us meeting at the club a lot, making out, and I just can’t bring myself to cross the line and have sex with him. He doesn’t push and is really a nice guy. The kicker comes when he asks me to come visit him on the ship when he has duty. I knew it was a low thing to do, I could run into Jake, and secretly I am hoping to. I want him to realize I have moved on just like he has. I board the ship and pass a few of Jakes friends while waiting on Kevin to escort me to the flight deck. I get dirty looks and snide comments, and I want to scream. “He is engaged.” Instead, I throw the attitude right back and keep walking. Kevin meets me and takes me up to the deck so he can eat the food I brought him. “Is this awkward for you, Paisley?”
“I would be lying if I said no. I don’t know why some of the guys are being dicks. Jake moved on long before I did so how am I the bad person?”
“You don’t get it. She is a substitute. He found out about us earlier today and he isn’t happy. It took three guys and a warning from the captain to keep him off of me.”
I can’t process this right now. I didn’t come here to think about Jake, because every time I think about him, I see some other girl on his arm, and know that is who he chose over me. He never once called me, came over, checked up on me. He told me good-bye, and that was it. I tell Kevin I have to go, and when he kisses me good-bye in front of a group of Jake’s friends, he doesn’t win anyone over. He is closer to my age, only twenty, and still has two more years to serve but wants to go back to Alabama when he gets out. That means another deployment. Do I have it in me? Do I even care about him like that? Sure I like him; he is nice to look at and makes me feel something but is it enough? Do I want to go down that road again? I don’t have to have an answer right now. I have plenty of time.
Jake’s wedding day comes, without any kind of acknowledgement from me. I don’t see Rose or Brian, per my request, while they are here, and I regret that decision. I have no ties to him anymore, and I thought that would be best, but he is never far from my mind. I can’t believe he actually did it but sure enough, it is ‘Facebook Official.’ I fucking hate social media.
Kevin leaves on deployment in two weeks and so does Rick. I am looking at apartments next week and cannot wait. Tonight I tell Kevin I need to stay home and spend time with my family, which is a lie, and one I don’t feel guilty about. Instead I sit in my room, surrounded by every memory I have of Jake, playing ‘Goodbye To You’ by Michelle Branch on repeat. After the third picture I hold, the dam breaks and I cry. I let out everything I have been holding in. I swear I can still feel our first kiss, I remember every word of our first conversation, the first time we were together and how gentle and sweet he was. I remember all the good times, and I can’t let go. Why did I walk away? How did I get here? I berate myself and tell myself over and over that I did this, I let it end.
I don’t understand how he moved on so fast. He is married, and he promised that to me. He promised to dance with me to my favorite song when I became his wife. I remind myself of the reasons we broke up, but they don’t make sense now. I hate myself for it and I start scrolling through the wedding pictures posted on Facebook. Does he look happy? Is he holding her the same way he used to hold me? Where will they live? I then wish I would have been kept in the dark. It hurts, and I can’t breathe, rubbing the ache in my chest isn’t helping, and in this moment I wish my heart would stop working. I can’t do this forever. I can’t miss him, and I can’t continue to love him. Kara finds me sobbing and rocking back and forth, and she doesn’t have words.
I am so numb and in so much pain at the same time. I scream at her, “Why couldn’t he have said good-bye? He made it so final and now he is married.” Those words felt like they were being squeezed out of me. The vice grip on my chest is making it hard to get air in my lungs and I feel faint.
“Calm down, Paisley!” She is screaming at me, but it sounds like she is so far away. Almost like I am under water, and I do feel like I am drowning in misery. I close my eyes, and I don’t want to feel anymore, I don’t want to see anymore. Right now, I don’t want to be anymore.
I wake up the next morning with Kara right by my bedside, with red, tired eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“Damn it, Paisley, you scared the shit out of me last night. You wouldn’t wake up, you cried in your sleep, I couldn’t reach you. Stop this shit now. He is married, he is gone, I am sorry and I know it isn’t easy, but you are still here, and you are living. You have to start eating and you have to let go of this pain. Paisley, you have got to let him go, just like he let you go.” Hearing those words crushes me. I know there is truth in them, but I don’t know how to do that. I never wanted to let him go, but that is what I have to do.
I get up and move on, one foot in front of the other, one breath after another. I almost feel normal, like I did pre-Jake. I make it a few weeks until Kevin is leaving on deployment. The night before he leaves, he gets down on one knee and fucking proposes. And I fucking say yes. Looks like I am engaged . . . again.
The months he is gone pass quickly. I have my new apartment; Kara is technically living in Tampa, but here about three out of five days and every weekend. Adaleigh is between my apartment and my mom’s place, and Rick isn’t happy. Kevin is attentive when he calls, writes sweet letters, but I don’t get excited, or happy. Hell, I don’t get anything. I just function and that is the best you are going to get from me these days. We go out on Friday night to our usual club and Kara meets someone. Like he knocks her on her ass, sweeps her off her feet and she would do anything he asked of her . . . except leave her husband.
I don’t believe in cheating, but she is my best friend. I won’t condone it, but I am not going to condemn her for it either. She is the only one who has to look at herself in the morning and I admit, Tristan is pretty great. He loves her and he adores Adaleigh. Tristan’s friend, Vance, he is a pain in the ass and truly like the brother I never wanted. We bicker and ignore each other. I really love him in a weird way, but only platonically. He can be a good guy when he wants and doesn’t judge Tristan and Kara. He does judge me, though, and quite harshly. He tells me constantly I am not being fair to Kevin, and he is right. What business is it of his? If Kevin is happy, and I am surviving what right does he have? Rick and Kevin are due home in two days, and then he is going home to Alabama for ten days, and I am not sad about it, but he doesn’t seem to be either.
I pick him up at the ship and Kara and I are together like last time, but it feels worlds away. Neither of us is excited about their return. Kara because her time with Tristan is now done. He begged her not to go back to Rick, he promised her a life, and I believe him. Kara doesn’t. Kevin finds me in the crowd, and I realize I wasn’t even searching for him. We go back to the hotel he had booked, and I know what I have to do. He knows it is coming and I save the speech. I give him his ring back, hug him and walk away.
This time there isn’t the despair. There is relief that I won’t be trapped. There is excitement that maybe I will start living. Regret, though . . . that bitch is always there following me around like a gigantic neon sign flashing ‘I told you so.’
Chapter 24
Paisley
You can tell when something's not moving forward anymore. When the doubts you have about it don't go away.
My nineteenth birthday is tomorrow. I have no plans except dinner with Kara and then I am going to a party a few of my high school friends told me about via Facebook. Tonight I have a date with my goddaughter. She will be one next week and I intend to spoil her with a trip to the toy store and Disney movies until she crashes. My two-bedroom apartment is pretty packed with her toys already but a girl always needs more. I walk outside to smoke and wait on Kara to bring her over and run into my neighbors, Dave and Ben. I met them when I moved in and they are pretty cool. Ben has a longtime girlfriend and is in love; Dave is single and a goofball. We watch football on Sundays together and have thrown a few joint parties.
“What is on the agenda tonight, Paisley?” Dave asks.
“I am getting Adaleigh and having girl’s night with my favorite girl.”
“Kara left douche hat yet?” Dave isn’t a fan of Rick’s but is a huge fan of Kara’s. I don’t have the heart to tell him he doesn’t have a chance in hell. Whenever Rick is on duty she is with Tristan. He keeps holding out hope that she will be his, but I don’t think she will ever leave Rick.
“Nope, sorry pretty boy.” He just shakes his head and goes back inside. Kara pulls up and drops off my Princess and we are off. After nearly bankrupting me in the store, we come home and crash during the fourth movie. This girl has some serious stamina.
I don’t feel any different today. I am a year older, but I can’t say a year wiser. I treat myself to a pedicure after I take Adaleigh home and encounter dickhead Rick. He really hates me, and the feeling is mutual. I decide to take a nap before dinner and right when I doze off my phone goes off. I blindly reach for it and answer, “Hello.”
“Paisley? I wasn’t sure you were going to answer my call.” Shit, why didn’t I look at the screen before I picked it up? “I wanted to tell you Happy Birthday.”
“Thanks, Rose. Been a while, huh?” I don’t know what to say. Hearing her voice is opening up wounds that were finally scabbing over. It isn’t her fault. I can’t punish her for my choices. I was so pissed about people not letting me make my own mistakes, and yet the biggest one I made I continue to punish everyone for.
“How are things?”
She is quiet for a minute. “I miss you so much. How are you?”
“I’m surviving. I have my own apartment, quit school, and I am trying to figure out what I want to do.”
“Do you ever think about what if, Paisley?”
I can’t lie to her. “Every single day, Rose.” I hear her sob escape her mouth.
“He is miserable. He loves you.”
“He is married, Rose. I can’t worry about his wants and needs. He married her, on my wedding day.” Lately, the anger has been coming, and I hope that means I am going through all the stages of grief and pray for the day acceptance comes.
“She is accusing him of cheating on her. I jokingly told him to have her call you and you could vouch that he would never do that.”
“No, he wouldn’t cheat, if he loves her. But she better not call me, and joking or not I can’t believe you would even suggest that. I can’t be a part of that. I am barely hanging on some days.”