Pink Butterfly (19 page)

“Are you a lawyer?”

“I’m the person who will get you your answer, so what is your question?”

“I need to know what constitutes murder according to Labiastan law,” Jeff asked.

“That’s a pretty big question to answer over the phone but I’ll try to boil it down for you. According to Labiastan law, murder is the unlawful taking of a life by another.”

“Define unlawful”

“Against the law.”

“I feel like we’re talking in circles here, how does “unlawful” work into this scenario?”

“It all depends on the circumstances of the individual incident. No two cases are alike.”

“Let’s say I beat a stripper over the head with a glass beer mug and kill her, is that unlawful?” Jeff asked.

“Did she do anything to provoke you?”

“She pissed me off,” Jeff replied.

“Let me confer with a colleague, can you hold a second?”

Jeff tapped his fingers and looked over to Laurie as he waited for the woman on the other side of the phone to get back to him. He looked at the floor and saw that Jenny was still breathing and tried to find his mug. He didn’t see any broken glass so he was pretty sure it was still intact.

“Sir, according to what we could find, being pissed off can be used as a valid reason to kill someone depending on what pissed you off.”

“Would being a stupid bitch qualify?”

“I think so,” the woman replied.

“Thanks, I appreciate your quick reply,” Jeff said and hung up the phone.

“What did they say?” Laurie asked Melvin.

“Help me find my mug, she said I could finish her off,” Melvin replied.

“She gave you permission?”

“No, she said it was legal to kill her if she was a stupid bitch.”

“Stupid bitch is a subjective term, what’s a stupid bitch to you may not be to someone else.”

“What’s the worst that can happen? This embassy runs on the money made by strippers, the country it represents is so poor they can’t send guards and for all I know, there isn’t a jail in this building. I could kill anybody I wanted and nobody could do a damn thing to me.”

“Good point, but the worst thing that could happen is that she turns into a zombie/ghost like me and follows you around like I do.”

“I don’t think so, there’s a reason why you follow me around undead. We were married, I knew you. I don’t know this bitch.”

“But you’re willing to kill her to find out? If she left with a cracked skull, you’re still immune from prosecution by the United States. You have amnesty.”

Her comment hit Jeff like a truck and he had to think about what Laurie had just said. “You’re right, I don’t have to kill her; I can kick her ass out.”

“Now you’re thinking,” Laurie stated.

“What if she has brain damage? She might lay here for a week?”

“You can call the ambulance dumbass, the police have no authority, but the hospital will still take her.”

“Good, I don’t want this bloody whore laying on my office floor till she croaks.” Jeff scratched his chin and looked at Laurie with a curious look in his eye. “This may be off topic a bit, but if we were married, and I left you to die in the trunk, who was the other guy you were screwing in the shower?”

“Some guy from work,” she replied embarrassed.

“Some guy from work? That’s great,” Jeff replied sarcastically. “How long do you plan to be around?” Jeff asked.

“I don’t know, I don’t have anywhere I have to be right now,” Laurie replied. “Why?”

“I have someone I want you to meet, after I call 911 and have the ambulance come pick up this piece of shit off my floor.”

Thirty minutes later, after the rescue squad picked up Jenny from the floor and took her to the emergency room, a small black Chevy Nova pulled up to the Pink Butterfly. A tall gaunt, lanky man with short hair and a priest collar climbed out of the car and entered the club to Laurie’s shock and surprise. The bean pole of a priest was met at the door by Jeff. “Thanks Father for coming on short notice, I can never tell when she’s going to show up,” Jeff said.

“No problem, that’s what I do,” Father O’ Shea replied with a forced smile. “Where is the girl?”

“Right over here,” Jeff replied and led the priest over to one of the tables where Laurie sat patiently. “This is her, Laurie Delgado, my ex-wife and resident ghost.”

The priest stood over Laurie like a redwood tree next to a rabbit. Laurie strained her neck to look up at the figure standing beside her. “Hello,” he said and took a seat.

Laurie leaned back in her chair and folder her arms in a defensive posture not knowing what was going on. “What’s going on?” she asked.

Jeff replied, “I brought Father O’ Shea to help you.”

“Help me what?” Laurie asked.

“Move into the light, or whatever it is you dead people do.”

“You’re trying to get rid of me?”

“I’m doing you a favor,” Jeff replied. “You don’t want to get stuck here do you?”

Laurie shook her head in disbelief and smiled a fake ass smile. “You brought him here to get rid of me, nice,” she said in disgust. “Good luck with that.”

Jeff paused for a second and looked to the priest. “Father, can you help this girl?”

The priest looked at Laurie with his heavy eyes and replied, “Yes.”

“Great, can we get started?” Jeff asked eagerly.

“I will need some supplies, I forgot my bag at home,” the priest said.

“Sure, what do you need?” Jeff asked.

“I need some water.”

Jeff hopped up from the table and disappeared behind the juice bar in search of water. This left the priest and Laurie a few moments alone to chat.

Laurie spoke first. “Are you some sort of exorcist?” she asked.

“Yes,” the priest answered.

“You’re a man of few words aren’t you?”

“Yes I am an exorcist.”

“Been doing this long?”

“Twelve years, got my certificate at the Vatican school of Exorcism.”

“Top of your class?”

“No.”

Laurie paused for a moment and unfolded her arms relaxing a bit. “This may be a dumb question, but in order to exorcize someone, don’t they first have to be a demon and second be possessing another person? I mean, this is a strip club, not a human being.”

“You’re not a demon?” the priest asked.

“Hell no!” Laurie snapped back.

“I was led to believe you were a demon from hell.”

“That bastard!” Laurie replied. “What else did he tell you about me?”

“That’s all, just that you were a demon from hell and you needed to be dispatched. He almost made it sound like you were possessing him.”

“I think he lied to your ass.”

“Hmmmm,” the priest replied and jumped out of his skin when Jeff startled him by placing a bottle of water on the table. “What the?”

“This is all I had,” Jeff stated and sat down.

The priest picked up the bottled water and read from the label aloud. “Fresh from the mountain stream. This will do fine.” he added and sat the bottle back on the table. He closed his eyes, made the sign of the cross and said, “I bless this water in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.” He then picked up the bottle and winged it at Laurie hitting her in the right tit.

“Ouch!” she yelled. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“May the power of God compel you.” the priest said.

“Wait a second, I had this movie on DVD and I know they don’t throw bottled holy water at people,” Laurie said.

“May the power of God compel you,” the priest said again this time with a cross in his hand.

Laurie leaned over and picked the bottled water off the floor and sat it back on the table. The priest immediately picked it up and tossed it at her head. The bottle missed and fell to the ground rolling under the juice bar counter. “Do that again and I’ll really get pissed,” Laurie snapped back.

“The power of God compels you!” the priest repeated a bit louder and holding the cross in Laurie’s face.

“Do you mind?” she asked waving her hand like she was swatting at a fly.

“The power of God compels you!” the priest said louder.

“You may be annoying the piss out of me, but I’m not going anywhere,” Laurie stated firmly.

“The power of God compels you!” the priest yelled.

Watching intently, Jeff spoke up and asked the priest, “Do you need more water?”

“The power of God compels you!” the priest now yelled shaking the cross in Laurie’s face.

“You know?” Laurie replied, pissed as hell, “You can just fuck…” and poof she was gone.

To Jeff’s amazement, Laurie was no longer sitting in her chair and the priest was leaning back in his chair sweating and panting like a dog. “Are you ok?” Jeff asked.

“I think she’s fucking with me,” the priest said. “She may have jumped inside me.”

“That’s a good thing right?” Jeff asked.

“I’m not a fucking sponge,” the priest replied.

“Are you supposed to talk like that? I mean, that’s some pretty foul language for a man of the cloth.”

“Have you ever had ovaries shoved inside you? It’s like having a spear stuck in my side. Holy fuck this hurts.”

“Do you need a Midol?”

“Now I have cramps. And my breasts are sore.”

“Breasts?”

“I think I’m going to throw up,” the priest said turning grey before Jeff’s eyes.

“Wait, let me get a bucket!” Jeff yelled running behind the juice bar in search of something for the priest to throw up inside. Then Jeff heard the priest puke on the table and knew it was too late.

“Sorry!” the priest spoke as loud as he could. “I think I might be pregnant.”

“Pregnant!” I was going to be a father?”

“No, it wasn’t yours,” the priest replied. “Some guy from work she says.”

“Nice,” Jeff said grabbing a bar towel. “When were you planning on letting me in on your little secret,” Jeff asked Laurie through the priest who was now dry heaving.

“In a few months, when I started showing,” the priest replied for Laurie.

“No, I mean now that you’re a ghost.”

“Oh, I wasn’t going to tell you at all, but now that my secret’s out, what the hell?”

“Wait a second,” Jeff said confused. “If we were divorced three years ago, why the hell were we together in the first place? I mean, you could have dated anyone you wanted.”

“No shit Sherlock!” Laurie replied. “You never let go and I think in your warped mind we were still married.”

“So this guy from work?”

“Just a guy I was fucking, but I was technically single and you were stalking me like you always did. Just like your Step dad Melvin used to do. You would think you were related by blood by as much as you are the same.”

“So that explains why nobody at your office knew who I was when I came to take you out for your birthday.”

“Exactly.”

“Huh, funny how that works,” Jeff replied. “Now, get the fuck out, I don’t have any use for a ghost.”

“The irony, you spend years trying to keep me around and then once you kill me you can’t wait to get rid of me, what a pathetic piece of shit.”

“I’ve moved on,” Jeff said.

“Really? To who?”

“I sorta have a crush on one of the girls at the club.”

“Let me guess, Heather?”

“I’m not saying.”

“It’s Heather, any girl that gives you attention you fall in love.”

“Good bye Laurie,”

“Good bye what? I’m possessing this priest. We aren’t going anywhere.”

“Do I need to get the water bottle?”

“Go ahead, what a joke. What kind of priest blesses a bottle of water and throws it at someone?”

“I think it’s innovative considering the times we’re in. They didn’t have bottled water when they invented holy water. Hell, they should bless bullets and use them instead.”

“Yeah, send that idea to the pope, see what he says.”

“So it seems we’re at an impasse. I’m really no better off now than I was when Father O’Shea showed up in the first place. Except instead of three of us, now there are two and a half.”

“Yep, you can’t get rid of me, I am stuck here like glue.”

“We’ll see about that,” Jeff said and scratched his nuts.

Thursday night and there’s a decent crowd, not the kind you get on Friday or Saturday but there were plenty of horny men waiting to watch the show. Alicia had checked the schedule and she wasn’t due to go on stage till after ten. Why she didn’t know, she thought it would be better to do a few warm up dances earlier when the crowd was thinner, but she didn’t want to screw up her first night on the job. There must have been a reason why Jeff wanted her first dance to be to a full house.

The dancer before Alicia finished her set and gathered her tips from the dance floor like a pigeon eating scraps in a park. The next song came on and Alicia stepped out from the dressing room, nervous but ready to make an impression. She had changed from her regular four inch heels to a super high nine inch stripper set and immediately tripped, twisted her ankle and face planted on the staircase leading to the elevated dance floor.

The crowd gasped as two men close to the accident checked on Alicia to see how badly she was injured. The men managed to get her on her bare feet but she wasn’t able to walk on her left ankle. With each step, she cringed in pain and limped assisted by a man on each side. The music stopped and the DJ asked if she was ok.

With a wave from Alicia to the DJ, the two men helped her back to the dressing room and sat her on a chair. In the distance, the music restarted and the show went on without her.

“How’s your head?” one of the men asked brushing Alicia’s hair aside.

“I don’t know, hurts like hell,” she replied rubbing her foot.

“Looks like you’re getting a pretty good hematoma already,”

“Hemawhata?” Alicia asked.

“A blood filled bruise, usually from blunt force trauma,” the man replied.

“Are you a doctor?” she asked.

“A paramedic.”

“Lucky me,” Alicia replied trying to fake a smile.

“You should go to the emergency room, head wounds can take a while to show up and if your brain swells, you could land in a coma.”

“What’s your name?” she asked getting dizzy.

“Tim Quickly,” he replied.

“You’re last name is an adverb?”