Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners (19 page)

Polyamory often means more activity, more interaction, more energy, more interests, more change, more obligations, more communication, more coordination, more time, more everything. Long-term monogamous couples may find that in between developmental crises and periods of rapid growth, there are long uneventful stretches, but with more people involved something is bound to be happening with someone most of the time. People who practice a style of polyamory that involves more than two people spending time together, whether in or out of bed, find that the combined presence of an intimate, no-barriers group of people creates a definite intensity of its own.

Appreciation for Diversity

Every group or family needs to come to terms with differences among its members. People who need everyone in their intimate circle to be exactly like them in order to feel comfortable are going to experience greater and greater levels of frustration in this endeavor the more partners they have. While relationships work best when partners share common values, part of the joy of polyamory is recognizing and supporting each person’s unique qualities.

Communication Skills

Communication skills can make or break any intimate relationship, and they are not limited to the ability to use words well (although that helps).

Awareness of nonverbal cues and body language is just as important in navigating the complexities of out-of-the-box relationships as the ability to express desires, needs, resentments, appreciation, and hurt feelings and to effectively negotiate win–win solutions to conflicts.

An Independent Streak

People who have good boundaries and value their autonomy are often unwilling to allow a partner to take over control of their hearts or their genitals. They usually prefer relationships that acknowledge their right to feel attraction to others, although they may be willing to negotiate on how these attractions will be dealt with if they also have a team spirit.

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Team Spirit

While most people attracted to polyamory value their autonomy, independence alone makes it difficult to cooperate with others over time.

When independence is combined with a team spirit, it sets the stage for a win–win style, which can create a powerful synergy with others. Polyamorous people tend to recognize that working for the good of the whole group will benefit them more in the long run than an exclusive focus on their own personal agendas.

Commitment to Growth

Polyamory is an inherently demanding lovestyle, and as long as most people continue to be socialized for monogamy, it will continue to be even more challenging. Relating intimately to more than one person at a time provides more mirroring and less opportunity to blame “the other” for your own dysfunctional programming. For people who want to use their relationships as opportunities for learning and healing, polyamory presents a valuable way of accelerating growth. Although some people see polyamory as an escape from intimacy, in a committed polyamorous relationship it’s much harder to “hide.”

Sex Positive

While some people are attracted to polyamory because they have a high sex drive, they’re looking for a solution to a mismatch in desire levels or sexual orientation, or they’re simply hoping to “spice up” an existing long-term relationship, polyamory is about more than “just” sex. On the other hand, people who are uncomfortable with their own or other people’s sexuality usually don’t want the kind of exposure to additional partners that polyamory inevitably brings with it, even if the actual sexual encounters are always one-on-one and take place at a safe distance.

Flexible, Creative, Spontaneous

Polyamory makes it much more difficult to maintain an illusion of predictability and control. As anyone who has children knows, chaos better describes the complexities of multiple, interacting individuals. Those who enjoy the spontaneity of not knowing exactly what’s going to happen next
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and who like finding creative solutions to unanticipated developments are more likely to choose polyamory than those who have a strong need for control. Flexibility makes it possible for a group to share power through situational leadership and maximize the potential for synergy, which is much less in a dyad than a larger group.

High Intelligence

I certainly wouldn’t characterize all polyamorous people as geniuses or monogamous people as being unintelligent, but numerous observers have commented that polyamorous people tend to be far above the norms on many dimensions of intelligence, including but not limited to emotional intelligence. Perhaps those who are more inclined to think for themselves and are better able to assess each situation on its own merits are more likely to end up polyamorous, or perhaps one needs the extra capacity to handle all the complexities polyamory can present. Whatever the explanation, there’s a strong correlation.

Accountability

Every relationship works better when people can be counted on to do what they say they’re going to do and take responsibility for cleaning up any messes that result from occasional lapses. In polyamorous relationships, one person’s lack of responsibility impacts many others. It is the lack of self-responsibility and accountability among many of the free-spirited but immature and unprepared early adopters of polyamory that led to its reputation as an “unworkable” lifestyle. As more mainstream people who have learned the importance of accountability and self-awareness in the business arena or in rigorous spiritual training discover polyamory, I predict that they will have greater success than has been seen in the past.

Every relationship journey involves finding a way to resolve what is commonly known as the power struggle. When I work with couples or other groups, one of the first questions I ask is, “Who’s the boss in this relationship?” Of all the thousands of clients who have sought my help in getting through their relationship challenges, there has never been one who didn’t
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know who had the last word, although some are hesitant to be so direct.

It’s extremely rare for partners to have different perceptions in this area as well. They may report that it’s changed over time, that each is in charge of different domains, or that this is a constant source of conflict, but they always know the score. In old-paradigm relationships, complementary pairings of one dominant and one submissive individual or, in the case of polyandry or polygyny, a spouse who is submissive to the patriarch or matriarch but dominant over the cowives or cohusbands is the rule.

Sexual intimacy thrives on polarity, and when the sexual interaction goes deep enough, it involves a reversal of this polarity. That is, the active becomes receptive, and the receptive becomes active, harmonizing the divergent energies each partner brings. This takes place regardless of the genders of the partners or their sexual orientation. In a triad or larger grouping where two same-gender partners are primarily heterosexual, the energetic exchange is rarely full enough to reconcile the power struggle.

One strong alpha leader, whether male or female, can sometimes exert enough control to keep all the others in line, but two alphas in one family often spells pandemonium, and, in fact, this configuration rarely even occurs. On the other hand, two or more submissive types can sometimes

“gang up” on an alpha and tilt the power balance, sometimes driving the alpha out of the group only to find that the group falls apart without the strong leadership of the alpha.

Two or more alphas can harmoniously coexist only when one or both are essentially beyond being ruled by unconscious or semiconscious egoic drives. In fact, all relationships work much better when the personalities or egos take a back seat to something higher. For humanist agnostics or atheists, this “something higher” can be the good of the whole or a set of values or a respected leader. For those spiritually or religiously inclined, it can be the Divine, truth, the higher self, Atman, existence, the guru in human form, or whatever metaphor is preferred. In a couple whose dominant and submissive poles are complementary or in a group with one dominant personality and several submissive types, transcending the ego is not critical for stable and harmonious relationships. In the new paradigm of polyamory, where the intention is to bring forth and honor the inner wisdom of each person, chaos and conflict will reign if what is brought forth are egoic demands for control masquerading as truth and love.

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J
ealousy is not unique to polyamory, nor is it the only emotional challenge encountered in polyamorous relating, but it is certainly the number one difficulty for most people who venture beyond monogamy. The mere thought of jealousy is enough to motivate some people to exchange vows of lifelong sexual fidelity, while others do exactly the opposite and seek jealousy insurance by making sure that they always have a spare lover in the wings. In the end, the only way out of jealousy is through it, and polyamory certainly offers abundant opportunities to make this journey. As popular author Thomas Moore put it, “We may have to let jealousy have its way with us and do its job of reorienting fundamental values. Its pain comes, at least in part, from opening up to unexplored territory and letting go of old familiar truths in the face of unknown and threatening possibilities.”1

Moore was not specifically referring to polyamory or even sexual jealousy, which is known to be particularly intense and powerful, but his remarks are right on target.

While the somatic experience of jealousy is remarkably consistent no matter what the context, there is one obvious difference between jealousy in monogamous relationships and jealousy in polyamorous ones. In a monogamous relationship, where choice of a mate is clearly an either/or proposition, jealousy may be a reasonable strategy to keep others away
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from your partner or to discourage your partner from pursuing others. If your partner falls for someone else, it’s a realistic threat to your continued marital bliss. In polyamory, other lovers are not necessarily a danger, although, as we shall see, they can be. When partners agree that including others would enhance their lives, unyielding jealousy and possessiveness can become obstacles to their ongoing happiness rather than functioning to protect a dyadic bond.

Despite its pervasiveness in human experience as reflected in literature and film, jealousy has been one of the least studied of all human emotions. It doesn’t even appear in the index of Daniel Goleman’s groundbreaking book on emotional literacy
Emotional Intelligence
.2 Let’s begin by exploring the nature of jealousy before moving on to consider where it comes from, what messages it brings us, and how it can best be managed.

WHAT IS JEALOUSY, AND WHY DO WE DREAD IT?

Jealousy has gotten surprisingly little attention from researchers, and most of the research that’s been done addresses the attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors associated with jealousy rather than with the neurophysiological correlates or the experiential nature of the emotion itself. Neuroimaging is only in the early stages of its investigation of jealousy. In a 2006 study reported in
NeuroImage
, Japanese neuroscientist Hidehiko Takahashi found some significant sex differences in the neural response to statements depicting sexual and emotional infidelity. In men, jealousy activates the amygdala and hypothalamus, regions rich in testosterone receptors and involved in sexual and aggressive behavior. In women, thoughts of emotional infidelity activate the posterior superior temporal sulcus, a region implicated in the detection of intention, deception, and trustworthiness as well as violation of social norms. Takahashi interpreted the greater activation elicited by emotional infidelity in females as evidence that they’re particularly sensitive to changes in a partner’s mind. Perhaps his findings account for the greater tendency of men to react to the sexual act itself rather than its emotional implications.

Most researchers agree that on a cognitive-behavioral level, sexual jealousy is a reaction to a partner’s real or imagined experience with a third party and that jealousy is most likely to occur in a person who is both dependent
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and insecure.3 My own clinical observation based on working with thousands of people struggling with jealousy is that jealousy most often arises when a person’s need for control is threatened. This may or may not coincide with dependency and low self-esteem.

What I find most fascinating about jealousy is the actual bodily sensations and internal thoughts and energetic events that create the experience of jealousy. People commonly describe jealous sensations as gut wrench-ing, churning, agitating, arousing, and overpoweringly unpleasant. While different people become jealous for different reasons and in differing circumstances, the actual physical feelings are remarkably consistent from person to person, although they may vary in intensity. Even a low level of jealousy is usually uncomfortable enough that most people will try to distract themselves or take some action to eliminate the perceived cause of their jealousy. Consequently, it is only in body-centered psychotherapy with a nonjudgmental therapist or in some kinds of spiritual practices, such as vipassana meditation or self-inquiry, that people are likely to explore the experience of jealousy without immediately trying to escape it. Early on, I realized that in order to really understand what jealousy is and how it operates and to what end, I would have to examine my own inner process.

If you too want to understand jealousy, I invite you to do the same. The next time the opportunity arises, instead of pushing it away, welcome the chance to investigate the nature of jealousy. Fortunately, I was already quite experienced in being with uncomfortable feelings, and my own jealousy tended toward relatively low intensity, so I was well suited for this endeavor. Here’s what I found to be true for myself.