Pretending Hearts (19 page)

Casey was trying to be reassuring and I wanted to take her words and wrap them around me like a cocoon. But too many pieces were falling into place. The late period, the nausea and the exhaustion couldn’t be explained away by stress. At first I’d been angry and upset over the situation with Georgie and Wyatt, but I’d been content over the past weeks, as I grew closer to Levi.

“I have to take a test,” I said hurriedly.

“When, now?”

I chewed on my thumbnail and then nodded my head. “I have to know. If there’s even the slightest chance….” I couldn’t finish the thought.

“Okay, I’ll run to the pharmacy and grab a pregnancy test. You’ll see that it’s negative and then we’ll go out and have a fun time.” Casey sounded reasonable and I was glad to let her take charge. Because the only thing I wanted to do at the moment was scream until my throat caught fire.

A pregnancy crisis was unimaginable. Honestly, I never was one to think about having babies. I hadn’t been the girl carting around baby dolls and pretending to give them bottles and change their diapers. Being maternal didn’t come naturally to me. I resisted my mom trying to make me into a girly girl and preferred to play sports with the neighborhood boys. I hated the idea of being my mom’s living and breathing doll to be dressed up and paraded around the neighborhood.

After Casey left the apartment, I wore a path into the carpet as I waited for her return. I was trying to remain calm and reasonable, but I was losing my shit. I began to question myself and I had to unfortunately revisit my sexual history with Wyatt. I could remember him putting on a condom each time, but I was paranoid maybe he did a weird sleight of hand trick and took it off beforehand. I wouldn’t put the behavior past him.

Ten minutes later, Casey burst back into the apartment with a pharmacy bag in hand. I followed her into the living room as she dumped the contents on the coffee table. Three different varieties of pregnancy tests fell out of the shopping bag. “I figured you would want to be sure, so I covered the bases,” she said through gritted teeth.

My lower lip trembled as I stared down at the pregnancy tests. “Will you stay with me? I know this isn’t a fun night out and you can go on to Maloney’s without me—”

Casey grabbed my wrist. “I’m not going anywhere, Delia. You’ll come too as soon as you see you’re definitely not pregnant.”

I picked up a pink and blue box from the table. I tore open the packaging and dug out the instructions for the test. My hands were quivering as I read the directions. I fished out the plastic testing stick and stared at the contraption in horror. A small, inconsequential object would determine my fate in a thousand different ways.

“I don’t think they could make these tests any more simple. I just pee on the stick and in three minutes the window will display either yes or no,” I announced, trying to keep the tremble out of my voice.

“Do you need a water or something?” Casey asked weakly.

I shook my head, feeling regretful for dragging her into a pregnancy scare so soon after becoming friends. She had been kind to me and authentic in a way Georgie never had been. I was always more comfortable around guys, but Casey made me realize how important girlfriends were.

“I’m okay,” I said.

I took my time walking to the bathroom. Each step felt like I was sinking further and further into despair. I wanted to be an optimist, but something buried inside myself was telling me my carefully constructed world at Cook was about to become unglued.

I flipped on the bathroom light and took a step inside. I glanced at my reflection in the wall mirror and tried to see if there was any evidence on my face to suggest I could be pregnant. Besides the dark circles under my eyes, I couldn’t find any major changes. I was the same Delia Bridges—except now I could be harboring my own secret.

Steeling myself, I decided to not postpone the inevitable any longer. It would be so easy to leave the bathroom and head out to Levi’s show. I could turn off my emotions and force myself to forget all about my late period. But I was tougher than that.

I finished peeing on the plastic stick and set the pregnancy test on the flat surface of the bathroom sink. I washed up and tried not to stare at the test as I did so. Finally, I couldn’t look away any further. As the seconds ticked by, I tried to use my willpower to affect the outcome. “Please say no. Please say no. Please say no,” I chanted. My hope was to use the sheer power of my mind to change the result in my favor.

The digital display beeped and then a second later the window displayed the result. I gasped and a second later yelled, “Casey!”

I heard Casey trample through the apartment and arrive at the bathroom door. I swung it open. Breathless, she demanded, “What is it?”

“The test was positive,” I cried and then collapsed with a sob into her waiting arms. “I’m pregnant.”

Three tests later, the result was the same: I was pregnant. I was knocked up by a man I had come to despise. I couldn’t even fathom the gravity of the situation.
How could I be pregnant?
I felt liberated to keep Wyatt in the past and unbeknownst to me, he had left me with one last parting gift.

I was rocking back and forth on the couch as my sobs subsided into errant hiccups. Casey had scoured my kitchen cabinets until she rustled up the ingredients to make a cup of tea. She handed me the steaming mug and took a seat next to me on the couch.

“I think I need something a little stronger than tea to deal with this,” I croaked out.

Casey sighed. “I know, but I figured considering the circumstances….”

I leaned forward and cradled my head in my hands. “How could this happen? I thought I was safe….”

Casey began to rub circles on my back. “We’ll figure it out.” She paused and then continued, “Do you want me to call anyone? Your brother? Autumn?”

I shot up in my seat. “No,” I blurted. “You can’t tell anyone about this. Especially not Autumn.”

Casey gave me a sad look. “I know you and Autumn have had your ups and downs. But she’s a good person and she’d be there for you if you need her.”

“No one can know,” I choked out. “My brother would flip and probably come here and cause a huge scene with Wyatt.”

“I bet Blake would put an end to Wyatt’s soccer career by breaking both his legs.” Casey gave me an understanding look. “I swear I’m not going to tell anyone. But this isn’t exactly a secret you can keep forever.”

We both stared at my stomach and I guessed she was imaging the same thing I was: my belly growing huge with Wyatt’s child. The thought made me want to temporarily check out of my life and not return until all my problems disappeared.

“Is there a clinic nearby? I have health insurance under my mom’s plan, but I don’t want her to know I’m going to a gynecologist,” I said.

“There’s a Planned Parenthood you can call. I’ve never been there, but I know they do exams and pregnancy tests. They’ll tell you about your options….” Casey trailed off awkwardly.

“
Options?
Any option I have is fucking awful,” I said with dread. “I’m either going to have a terrible life or be a terrible person.”

“Don’t even go there, Delia,” Casey admonished. “I won’t get on my soapbox with you, but you have the right to do what you want with your body.”

“I can’t think about this. I just want to close my eyes and go back to an hour ago when I was getting ready to go out and see Levi,” I moaned. “Oh shit, Levi’s show.” I checked my watch and realized how late it had gotten. “I should’ve been there an hour ago.”

“Don’t worry. Why don’t you get changed out of the dress into something comfy? I can text him you’re sick and you’ll call him tomorrow.”

I agreed, but I wondered if I should call him and cancel our dinner date as well. In seconds, my bright future had turned bleak. Carrying another man’s child was sure to be a killer in a new relationship.

What had I done wrong? Why was the universe consistently screwing with me? As soon as I was on the verge of getting my shit together, I had to face another setback. But I couldn’t run from this. I was able to run away to college and run away from the dorms to escape my problems. There was no escaping having a baby growing inside my body.

***

Casey stayed with me for a ridiculously long stretch of time as I tried to come to grips with my new reality. She barely knew me and yet she stepped up when I needed her. She offered to spend the night, but I didn’t want to put her out more than I had. I didn’t want to be branded as the wayward girl who just had her future stolen from her. Perhaps I was shortsighted, but I couldn’t see any positives to being eighteen, single and impregnated by a spoiled ass.

Did I have to tell Wyatt? What exactly was my obligation to him? Did I want his input on whether I should keep the baby or not? Did I want him to join me at Planned Parenthood as some overworked nurse handed us pamphlets on adoption and abortion? The visual left me in a cold sweat.

I had to take a good hard look at my life and be realistic. Was I really able to raise a baby on my own? The reason I came to college was to learn life skills. My beauty had been my curse. My mom had taught me how to look pretty. Academics had never been pushed on me because I was expected to survive on my looks alone. I had been my own cheerleader in getting the grades I needed for college.

What did I know about raising a child? I didn’t have any support system to speak of. Wyatt wasn’t going to have an epiphany after I told him and become a stand-up guy. My mom was struggling on her own and my father…. Well, I could picture the lovely future conversations I’d have with a child about his or her grandfather.
Sorry honey, Grandpa can’t pick you up from school because he isn’t allowed within fifty feet.

What if I had a
girl
? Because I was beginning to believe the world was cruelest to girls. We were the ones who had to suffer through the worst men had to offer. And I was no role model for a daughter. I had been a poor feminist in more ways than one. I had allowed boys to mistreat me by hiding me away in their back bedrooms. Allowing myself to think I was worthless and deserved nothing better.

Worse yet, I’d have to take a closer look at my relationship with my dad. Would I finally be forced to face the questions burning in my brain? Because if I continued standing by my dad wasn’t I saying in no uncertain terms what he had done was acceptable? I hadn’t convicted him in my mind, but a court had. How would a child feel knowing his or her grandfather was jailed for sexually assaulting a student?

I cowered beneath my blankets as I tried to reconcile the past with the present. He was my father, which was why no one ever pushed me to look beyond the story he had told. Even Blake, madly in love with Autumn, sympathized with my inability to walk away from a relationship with my dad. But sometimes I couldn’t help but feel a little soul-sick as I thought about Autumn’s version of events. Honestly, how could I have my father be a welcomed part of my life if a child entered the equation?

A text message came through and I assumed it was from Casey. She only left the night before after I swore to check in with her. She also made me promise to call Planned Parenthood as soon as they opened.

As I checked my phone, I felt my heart jump into my throat as I saw a message from Levi. True to her word, Casey had texted him from my phone to cover for our absence from his show. Immediately, he had sent me a message back to say he hoped I felt better. I hadn’t the heart to reply.

How are you feeling? Are we still on for tonight or should we reschedule our date?

How could I possibly respond in a way that wouldn’t make me appear like a total flake? The thought of ending things with Levi before they even began left me heartbroken. Despite my pledge to keep an emotional distance, I’d become attached to him. What he made me feel extended beyond lust. I’d been in the throes of lust before and once my lust was sated, I didn’t feel anything besides ambiguity. At the time, I had thought I was broken. I believed something was existentially wrong since I never felt even the tiniest stirrings of love.

But Levi made me believe in possibilities. I missed him when I wasn’t with him. I anticipated his calls and would check my phone methodically to see if he texted me. With Levi, I wasn’t the cold and hard girl with the impenetrable shell protecting her. He had encouraged me to open myself up. I didn’t have to work to impress Levi. He took me as I was without any expectations in return.

With the exception of talking about his father, Levi was open with me as well. I had assumed with time, he would want to talk about his dad’s death. I wasn’t trying to dredge up something painful from his past, but I wanted to help Levi in the same ways he had helped me.

My fingers itched to call him. Levi would run to my apartment in record time if I told him I needed him. But was I being fair to him? How could I drag him into the shit-show my life had become in the last twenty-four hours?

I revealed nothing in my return text.
Not going to make tonight. I’m sorry. I’ll call you soon.

Feel better. Call me if you want some company. I don’t even care if you’re contagious.

My smile felt brittle. Reading Levi’s words filled me with so many regrets. I wished I’d avoided Wyatt from the start. I’d been too caught up in Wyatt’s looks and money when I should’ve been waiting for a guy like Levi to come into my life. Without a single kiss, Levi had awakened the girl in me who had been sleeping—the girl who wanted love and romance.