Pretending Hearts (22 page)

I squinted at him. “Huh?”

“I haven’t been honest with you. And I’m ashamed because I pushed you so hard to tell me about yourself and to let me in.” He slunk down further against the wall. “I had a feeling you were avoiding me and seeing you with Wyatt confirmed my suspicions.”

“Levi, I’m not seeing Wyatt. I don’t have feelings for him and I don’t want you to think you had anything to do with him being here,” I urged. I took him by his hand and pulled him to the couch. He sat down and I took a seat close enough that our thighs touched.

“I didn’t mean to shoot your questions down when you brought up my dad. I could tell it bothered you and I’m sorry for that,” he said.

“That’s not the reason I haven’t called you,” I insisted. “Besides, you can tell me about your dad when you’re ready.”

Levi took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I want to tell you about him but the thought paralyzes me….” He hesitated and then continued, “But I like you so much, Delia. And I know you trust me and I want you to see I have that same trust in you.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. I breathed in his woodsy and sensual musk and I felt my body relax. I was safe with Levi. “What do you want to tell me about your dad?”

“He killed himself,” he admitted in a barely audible voice. “Three years ago, he committed suicide by jumping off a bridge.”

I felt like I’d been blasted with a shock wave. My spine straightened and I turned to him with alarm clear on my face. “Levi, oh god, I had no idea.”

His smile was sad. “I know you didn’t. My family doesn’t like to talk about him. You probably noticed we don’t have any pictures of him up at the house.” Likely seeing the unspoken question I had in my eyes, he added, “My mother is very
Catholic
. And in her eyes what he did was an unforgivable sin.”

“How do you feel?”

“I was angry at him for a long time. I felt like what he did was cowardly. But I think my dad was sick. He’d drink a lot on the weekends and fall into these dark moods. Sometimes he wouldn’t leave his bedroom for days,” he said dejectedly.

I pressed my lips together as things began to fall in place. “Your dad is the reason you’re the responsible one in the family.”

He nodded reluctantly. “I’m not saying I wish I was a different person, but I do feel like his death shaped me. I had to be the one to step in and take care of my mom because my brothers were off doing their own thing.”

“That doesn’t seem fair.”

Levi shrugged. “Probably not. But you can’t choose your family. You can only choose not to let their mistakes define you.”

A significant look passed between us and I knew how much he understood what I’d been going through with my family. He had his own cross to bear and instead of wallowing in self-pity, he made a choice to live on his own terms.

“So, that’s my secret. That’s the reason I shut down when you bring up my dad,” Levi said with a heavy sigh. His gaze rested on the front door. “I had a feeling you were putting some distance between us and I didn’t want my issues to be the reason.”

“I wasn’t upset about you not talking about your dad. Especially now, knowing the truth…” I trailed off. I ran my sweaty palms over my jeans before finally looking back at him. “Thank you for trusting me enough to talk about him.”

“What’s going on with us, Delia? I thought you were excited about going out with me and then I find your ex-boyfriend leaving your apartment.” His jaw was clenched and I could see how tense the thought of me being alone with Wyatt again made him.

“I’m sorry. I was looking forward to our date and I swear my cold feet has nothing to do with you.” My smile was sad. “You’re perfect. You’ve been nothing but good to me in spite of all my crazy drama.”

“You’ve made my life interesting. I mean although I’m in a rock band, I think my life was becoming a little boring and safe until I met you.” He leaned in closer and said softly, “Let me take you out tonight. I don’t have to be at the college until eleven. We could have dinner and talk some more.”

“I can’t,” I said quickly. I felt the tears building behind my eyes. “I’m sorry. Because I like you so much and if the timing was better, I have a feeling we’d be great together.”

Levi leapt to his feet. “Timing? Please Delia, I hope you’re not still hung up on Wyatt. The guy is a stuck-up ass. I’ve seen boys like him around the college. They push by me as if I’m invisible and act like we’re all put on this planet to serve them.”

I felt nauseous over the idea Levi would ever think I’d choose Wyatt over him. Maybe I’d made bad choices about men in the past, but I had crystal-clear clarity after making a side-by-side comparison of Wyatt and Levi.

“I don’t have feelings for Wyatt. I like
you
. Honestly, I’ve had feelings for you since the first time we hung out together. I’ve wanted to make a move, but—”

The rest of the sentence died in my throat as Levi reached for me. Before I could protest, his lips were pressing into mine. He kissed me in a way that made me momentarily forget what an awful idea it was for him to be kissing me at that second. His lips were soft and warm and I could feel the persistence behind his kiss. He wanted me to respond and I found myself yielding. I started to kiss him back. Allowing myself to get lost in the sensation of how good it felt to have his mouth on mine.

He had been a friend at first, but when we kissed, he set my blood on fire. His tongue wrapped around mine and I allowed his taste to consume me. His kiss was full of the promise that Levi would give me everything I always wanted.

I broke away from him. “I’m pregnant,” I said in a breathless rush.

Levi stilled and gave me a searching look. He leaned away from me while I awaited his reaction. The silence was deafening between us and I couldn’t imagine what he was thinking. Finally, he asked, “Are you okay? When did you find out?”

I was glad he hadn’t asked me trite questions like:
was I sure?
Or
who’s the daddy?
I had enough of that with Wyatt. “I took a test over the weekend and it was the reason I canceled on your show.” I heard the quiver in my voice. “I’m probably about as far away from okay as a person could be.”

He reached for my hand and interlaced our fingers. Holding my hand symbolized the strength of us together. I closed my eyes and drew comfort from the feel of him. “Is that why Wyatt was here?” he asked gently. “You let him know tonight.”

I shook my head. “I went to see him a couple of days ago. I guess he came here to make sure I took care of it.”

I could hear the bitterness in my voice and I hated how much my tone reminded me of my mother. I never wanted to be anything like her. But I did feel resentment that Wyatt’s burden weighed less than my own.

Levi’s brow furrowed and I could see his brain in overdrive as he tried to puzzle out my predicament. However, there was no simple fix for what I was going through. “He really did that. He came here to pressure you into having an abortion?” Levi sounded ready to unleash hell on Wyatt and I appreciated his over protectiveness. We’d only known each other briefly, but we had connected in a significant way. I only wished Levi had come into my life sooner.

“Nothing Wyatt says will affect my decision.” I curled into myself, drawing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs. “But I think the best thing for me would be to not continue the pregnancy.”

Levi didn’t change his expression nor did he offer an immediate reply. I wasn’t sure what I wanted for him. Did I want his blessing? For him to tell me he’d still like me and wouldn’t consider me a horrible human being for not wanting a baby? Because I had a gnawing sense of guilt since I began considering an abortion. Like I had failed at being a woman.

“I’m sorry you’re going through this. But I’m glad you told me,” he said gently.

I raised a skeptical eyebrow. “How can you be glad? You should be out the door and telling me to lose your number.”

“I still care about you, Delia. You being pregnant doesn’t make my feelings go away,” he said. “I’ve been drawn to you from the moment we met. I saw how fearless and beautiful you were and I thought how lucky I’d be to have someone like you in my life.”

I leaned into him. “I’m so scared,” I whispered. “I’m scared to have an abortion and regret it. But I’m also scared to go through with the pregnancy and have a baby. I don’t think I could be a mother.”

“You don’t have to be scared, Delia,” he said with certainty. “If there’s one thing I’m sure about it, it’s that you’re stronger than you think.”

“But I feel like something is shattered inside of me. Why hasn’t my maternal instinct kicked in? There’s like a huge void where those feelings should exist.”

He cupped my cheek in his hand and tilted my head to face him. “You have messed-up relationships with your parents. And you are pregnant by a guy who has treated you badly. There’s nothing wrong with
you
.”

I blinked back tears. “You just zeroed in on exactly how I feel. I just keep thinking about how fucked up the people in my life are and the thought of bringing a child into my world is unimaginable.”

“I think what you need to do is to put a stop to the bullshit.”

I sat up straighter and pulled my face away from his touch. “What are you saying?”

“Take a step back and do whatever makes sense to you. Shut out the world and look inside for answers,” he urged.

I nodded and I let what he was telling me to truly sink in. I’d been thinking about everyone’s reactions and allowing their phantom opinions to shape my feelings. I felt like being pregnant would let everyone down. I was so insistent on going to college and carving out my own life. Having a baby at eighteen felt like I was proving to my family I couldn’t make it on my own.

If I wanted to grow and evolve, I needed to stop letting my family’s expectations dictate my life. I wasn’t their puppet. I was my own person and I would be the one who would ultimately be the one to deal with the fallout.

Nervously, I checked my phone as I waited at The Cellar for my brother’s arrival. He was fifteen minutes late and I wondered if I had been hexed to be always kept waiting at The Cellar. My stomach churned with anxiety over our lunch date. My fear was Blake would walk in the restaurant and take one look and figure out the secrets I was keeping from him.

I surprised myself by sharing with Levi. I hadn’t planned on admitting my pregnancy to him, but in the moment I couldn’t control it. I kept thinking about lies I could spin to convince him to stay away from me. But I was tired of trying to keep the lies straight from the truth. Levi had come to my apartment and shared something with me that he likely never spoke of. I felt like it would be a betrayal of what we had gone through if I hadn’t told him why I’d been so distant.

And that kiss had woken me up from an everlasting sleep. I had been kissed before, but I hadn’t experienced a toe-curling kiss like I had with Levi. After he left the night before, I kept bringing my fingertips to my lips and replaying the kiss. The flame spread from my lips through my entire being. I wanted to never forget my first taste of him since it could be my last.

Maybe my pregnancy had closed the door on our future relationship, but by Levi’s compassionate reaction, I wasn’t quite convinced. He had held me close before he left my apartment. His hand glided up and down my back in a soothing manner. And when he promised to be there for me whenever I needed him, I believed in his words. Maybe disaster was inevitable, but I couldn’t find the strength to tell him to go and never return.

I picked up my phone up with the intent to ream my brother out for keeping me waiting. But then I saw him glide through the door and my irritation vanished. I popped out of my seat, almost making the chair crash to the floor. Before he could make his way over, I was squealing out his name and rushing for him.

Blake grinned and lifted me off of the floor in a tight embrace. I was five eleven, but by Blake standards, I was still small enough to lift up and twirl around. He set me back on the ground and then gave me an exuberant smile. “It’s good to see you, Del.”

“You too,” I said. I punched his arm playfully. “Although you’re a bastard for keeping me waiting.”

“Sorry,” he murmured. His voice was full of contrition as he added, “I was over at Autumn’s dorm and I guess we lost track of time.”

I gave him a look to portray how I would puke on his shoes if he once again hinted at his sex life with Autumn. “Whatever, I’m just glad you’re finally back home.”

“I wish I could stay longer,” he said while following me to the table I had reserved for us. “But I have to get on a plane tomorrow morning for the Thanksgiving game.”

“Well, you better at least win on Thursday,” I said. “Are you sure it’s okay that you stay at Autumn’s tonight? I feel like I’m chasing you away from your apartment.”

He shook his head. “It’s not a problem. I actually got a room for the night in town.”

I decided to steer the conversation away from his plans with Autumn. “How’s your shoulder? And your head for that matter? Couldn’t you go into a safer career like accounting?”

Blake chuckled. “And give up my potential for NFL glory? I’ve already picked out a spot in my apartment for my Heisman trophy.”