Pretending Hearts (29 page)

Racing to the front door, I clicked the locks into place. I bowed my head down as I attempted to catch my breath. I was filled with too many emotions, but underneath the sadness and the loss was the knowledge I had done the right thing. My natural instinct was to hide, but I hadn’t caved and returned to old habits. I remained motionless until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Autumn’s expression crumbled as I met her eyes. “Thank you,” she sobbed. I hugged her back and although I began to cry as well, I knew we were both going to be all right.

My brother arrived in Fairfort within a few short hours. As I opened the door and saw his disheveled appearance, I assumed he broke a few traffic laws to get to town as quickly as he had. My smile was watery as I led him inside. His eyes were frantic as he searched the room. His expression was tortured once he finally spotted Autumn at the kitchen table.

Autumn had pulled it together soon after my dad left, but she lost her composure when she locked eyes with Blake. His strides were long as he crossed the room and lifted her up into his arms.

“I’m so sorry,” he said in a broken whisper. “I should’ve been here.”

Autumn lifted her head out of his chest. “It’s not your fault.”

“It is,” he insisted. “He lives less than an hour from here and I’m hundreds of miles away. I should’ve never left.”

She grabbed a hold of Blake’s face. “Listen to me. I’m fine. He’s never going to hurt me–" She stopped midsentence and shook her head. “Hurt
us
again.”

Blake looked sick. “But he was here. And I promised you that he’d never be a part of our lives.”

I piped up. “He was here to see me. I didn’t invite him, he showed up on his own.”

Blake’s body tensed. “I’m going to see him,” he said to Autumn.

Autumn’s expression was panicked. “
No
, Blake. I called you because your sister and I needed you here. Not for you to go after Thomas.”

Blake ran his fingers furiously through his hair. “What if you were here alone, Autumn? What if he just walked in and Delia wasn’t here to intervene?”

I wrapped my fingers around Blake’s forearm. “He’s not coming back. It’s over, Blake.”

Blake searched my face. I wasn’t sure what he found during the examination, but his fury seemed to dissipate and a look of resignation passed over his features. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“I will be,” I said evenly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wouldn’t let go of my fantasy of us all being a family again.”

“Delia, you don’t have to be sorry. I never expected—”

I didn’t let him finish. “I know you didn’t have expectations, but standing up to him was the right thing to do.” I pushed back my shoulders. “I’ll let the two of you be alone.”

“Delia, you don’t have to leave. Please stay,” Autumn persisted. Her hand reached out and I could see in her eyes my single act of defiance wiped clean all of my past mistakes.

“No, I actually have someone I need to see.” I hoped my eyes silently conveyed my message to Autumn.

Autumn gave a reluctant nod. Blake looked troubled and I was sure he’d have questions once I left. I hoped Autumn would keep her promise because what I needed most of all was for Blake to stop rescuing me. Without him to cower behind, I was finally able to stand up to my father.

I grabbed a sweater and my purse from my room. Before I left, I gave one last look at Autumn and Blake. The world outside had vanished. She was leaning into him as he whispered fervently in her ear. His left hand was rubbing up and down her back continuously. I blinked back tears as I saw my brother’s protectiveness for the girl who’d always have his heart. Despite what had happened with my father, she looked relaxed and at peace.

I had never understood Blake and Autumn. I never could wrap my head around why Autumn took him back after discovering he was Thomas’s stepson. But by witnessing a single stolen moment, I felt like their relationship was finally making sense.

Levi was the catalyst for every last epiphany I had experienced. He made me see the good in people and realize that there was nothing in the universe stronger than love. I was sad and guilty and full of grief. But instead of running away from the one person who could help me survive what I was going through, I should’ve been running to him.

***

“How many times do I have to tell you I’m not interested? Yes, I could make you come in less than a minute with a blindfold and my hands tied behind my back, but I just won’t do that to 501,” Evan explained, smirking at me as he leaned against the doorframe of his house.

I curled my hands into fists. “You do not want to mess with me today, little boy.” I put a hand on my hip. “Where’s your brother?”

Evan laced his fingers behind his back. “What’s it to you? He told me you’re avoiding him.”

“I’m not,” I said. I dropped my shoulders down. “Okay, I was, but I’m not anymore. So, tell me where he is. I’ve been calling him for over an hour and he hasn’t picked up.”

After leaving several frantic messages on Levi’s phone, I decided to drive over to his house. I was ready to be with him. I was ready to give myself over to him and stop running away from my own chance at happiness. The fact he wasn’t around to hear my newfound revelations was maddening.

“He’s at the bridge between Chester and Montgomery.” He paused. “You can hop on the highway and take exit 97 to get there.”

“Why is he there?”

Evan’s normal cocky expression dulled and it was the first time I seen him uncomfortable. “Don’t freak.”

I put up a warning finger. “Stop stalling and spill.”

Evan’s eyes fell to the ground in front of me. “It’s the bridge my dad jumped from.”

My hand shot out and I smacked his shoulder hard. He fell back. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I seethed. “Why would you let him go there alone?”

I didn’t wait for a response. After sprinting to my car, I took off without a backwards glance. Unsuccessfully, I tried to calm down as I swerved in and out of traffic. Hundreds of unwelcomed thoughts burst into my brain. Why would Levi go to the bridge where his dad committed suicide? What kind of emotional damage had I inflicted by avoiding him the last several days?

The last time we saw each other, he told me he loved me. Had I screwed with his head? I hadn’t intentionally meant to hurt him. I was acutely focused on my own anguish. My suffering became my world and I didn’t want to bring a beautiful person like Levi into that destructive place.

After the exit turnoff, I could see the bridge looming in the distance. The afternoon sky had darkened and a light drizzle started to fall. If I didn’t know the bridge’s dark history, I’d probably pass by the structure without a second’s thought. But with the heavy knowledge of how Levi’s father had plummeted to his death at the site, I felt sickened to my core.

How could I fix things? I’d been feeling a victim of circumstance and I wasn’t sure how to fight against it. But I was learning not to settle anymore. I had settled for Wyatt, despite knowing he wasn’t a good person. And I had accepted my dad, even though in my heart, I suspected he wasn’t the man I wanted him to be.

As I neared the bridge, I wondered why anyone would choose such a horrible death. The bridge loomed high above the river below. The water below looked dark and cold—an unwelcome final resting spot. My heart hurt for Levi. How did he avoid being jaded? How did he keep up such a positive outlook?

There was a pathway for pedestrians and bicycles and I could make out a lone figure in the center of the path. I pulled into an open parking spot a few steps away from the bridge’s entrance and bolted out of the car. My entire body was shaking, but not from the cold. As bleak as my life seemed at the moment, nothing could compare to how unfathomable it would be to lose Levi.

I broke into a jog and my heart twisted as I began to make out Levi’s familiar features. He was only a few short yards away, but he looked farther away than ever. His eyes were watching the water as he leaned against the railing. He was dressed in only a lightweight leather jacket, despite the temperature hovering in the thirties. He didn’t seem to hear me as I approached.

“Levi?”

He turned and I could see the startled look on his face. He blinked at me, seeming to not believe I wasn’t an apparition. “Delia?” His hand pressed against his chest and I could see him struggling to catch his breath. I’d caught him off guard and he was panicking.

“I stopped by your house. Evan said you were here.” I exhaled. “What are you doing here?”

He shifted his eyes away from me. “Just clearing my head.”

“No Levi,” I said firmly. “You don’t come to the bridge where your dad committed suicide to clear your head.”

His hazel eyes widened. “How’d you know?”

“Evan told me. But I didn’t give him a chance to explain why he let you come here.” I crossed my arms and waited for his reply.

“It’s not what you think,” he said softly. “I can explain it, but I’ll probably sound strange to you.”

“Please just tell me what’s going on with you.”

“When I want to feel close to my dad, I come here.” He shrugged and I could see him trying to conceal his embarrassment. “I don’t feel him at the cemetery. But I guess since this was the last place he was alive….”

“You feel him here,” I finished. “But isn’t coming here a little… morbid?”

“Probably,” he said with an uncomfortable laugh. His smile flickered and I saw a flash of pain. He never allowed himself to fully grieve and I could see the toll it had taken. “But I try to picture what he was thinking when he was here. Did he have regrets? During the seconds that passed between the jump and hitting the water, did he realize what a mistake he was making?”

I recoiled from the idea of Levi tortured by the unknown. I’d never met a more beautiful and strong man and I’d do anything to stop the wounds from his past festering. “I don’t think you’ll ever have the answers to those questions.”

“No, but I wish I did. I wish I could get why he didn’t love us enough to stay.”

A lump formed in the back of my throat. “He loved you, Levi.” Levi lifted a skeptical eyebrow. I insisted, “He did. Suicide isn’t something I feel a person chooses to do. I know a lot of people say it’s a selfish act. But my belief is that the person is in so much pain
,
he can’t be held accountable for his actions. Succumbing to depression is like losing a battle to cancer. When the disease starts winning, it’s no longer in your control.”

He bridged the gap between us. “We should go,” he said and took my hand in his. “You looked horrified when you saw me and I hope you didn’t think… that I was like my dad.”

I squeezed his hand. “I was worried about you, but I know you’re not like him. I’m starting to accept that we don’t have to be an extension of our parents.” I didn’t want him to pay a pilgrimage to a place that was a reminder of his greatest loss. I promised myself I’d never walk away from him again. Together, we could find a way for the pain to hurt a little bit less. I wanted to drive out his sadness and force it to never return again.

We were quiet as we walked the bridge path. We had so much to say—too much to say to each other. We both seemed lost in where to start.

“So…” he started. His tone was cautious. He was probably unsure of what version of me he’d be dealing with.

“Can we talk somewhere private?” I asked. He looked worried over the question, but nodded. He appeared as if he were steeling himself for another disappointment—another heartache to add to the ones he already endured. I was used to concealing my feelings, but for once I wished for transparency. I needed Levi to see how much he meant to me. I didn’t want to live in a world where Levi believed he was losing my love.

I cupped his cheeks in my hands and kissed him hard on the mouth. As our lips crushed together, the hunger for him built. I didn’t hold back as I memorized the feel of his lips covering my mouth. The kiss was perfect and I started to believe our love would be the thing that saved us both. We had suffered in our own ways, but the tragedies in our lives didn’t have to be our undoing. We could find a way to survive together. He pulled away gently and I saw the quiet relief in his eyes.

“I really needed that,” I said. My voice was shaky as I held onto him.

“Me too,” he whispered. And those two words told me everything I needed to hear. I hadn’t lost him. He had waited for me as promised and he’d be there for me—even during the darkest days. Healing would take time, but Levi and I were an indestructible force. There was nothing I needed to fix because we had never been broken in the first place.

Three months later…

Moving on wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t impossible. I had Levi to lean on as I grieved. And I allowed myself to be sad. Guilt was useless. I couldn’t turn back the clock and not get pregnant. Or not consider an abortion. Those things happened and I had to accept and hopefully learn from them.

I couldn’t smother my regrets, but I could learn ways to live with them. I couldn’t go back in time, but I could look back and see my mistakes and own up to them. I wouldn’t let my regrets define the future.