Pretense (34 page)

Delancey had nothing else to say on the subject and plenty of school subjects waiting for her attention. Both girls got to work without further ado.

Jack and Marrell were fairly quiet on the way to the park. It was a brisk San Francisco day, so they walked along swiftly, slowing only when they reached the paved path of the park and finally found an empty bench. Marrell was slightly winded.

"You're not even breathing hard," she accused him goodnaturedly.

"I have more time to work out than you do."

"What do you like to do?"

"Walk mostly, some biking."

"I was just thinking about that on Friday night-that I don't get any exercise these days. Some of the other women bring walking shoes and head out during their lunch hour. I should do the same."

"It might give you more energy."

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"I was thinking the same thing." Saying this, Marrell thought how easy it would be to skirt the main subject, but she didn't want that. "I was so crabby at you this morning, Jack. You offered to come and help Delancey, and I took your head off. I'm sorry."

"I appreciate your apology, Marrell, but you still feel that I'm being used, don't you?"

"I guess I do," she admitted, turning her head to look at him. "I can't believe you don't see it."

"Do you hate me, Marrell, or dislike me in some way?"

"No," she said with surprise.

"Then you're not using me. You're a friend who needs occasional help, and you ask me. I can always say no, and Marrell, where have you gotten to thinking that you're calling on me every few seconds? In my opinion, you never ask for anything."

She looked away in confusion.

"And since when is it wrong to cry? If I've made you feel bad, then the shame is on me."

"It's not you, Jack, but it's so embarrassing. Do you realize that I cried in your office when you interviewed me? How humiliating. I was so amazed you offered me the job that I could have walked into a wall."

"So I should have thought you were some type of emotional nut and sent you packing?"

"At the very least, yes."

"That's funny," he said with a chuckle. "All I wanted to do was ask you to dinner."

Marrell gaped at him. "Jackson Avery, you did not!"

He looked her in the eye and smiled very tenderly. "Yes, Marrell, I did."

"Oh, Jack, it's just not fair to you. I'm still in love with Paul Bishop."

"I know you are," he said calmly.

"But you still wish we could have something more. I mean, is that what you're saying, Jack?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying. And if someday you can care for me-"

"I already care for you," she interrupted, "but I'm not in love with you."

They were quiet for a moment.

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"There isn't a young person on the planet who would agree with me," Jack spoke as he looked across the park, "but I think love is a choice. Now if everything about me repulses you, or my touch makes you shudder, then we have a problem. But if you care, then we have something to work with. A place to start."

When he looked down at her, Marrell searched his deep brown eyes and saw nothing but honesty and kindness.

"I'm 41 years old, Marrell, and very patient. I've waited a year already, and I see no reason to rush you now or make you feel obligated in any way."

"But you want to marry me?" She had to make sure she understood.

Jack nodded. "And take care of you and the girls for the rest of your lives."

"Oh, Jack." She didn't know what else to say.

"Have I horrified you? I'll not say another word if you don't want me to."

Marrell put her hand on his arm for a moment. "No, no, that's not it. I'm just so overwhelmed. I mean, I don't even know what you see in me. I was such a crab today, but beyond that ..." She stopped and looked up at him. "Jack, I was going to grow old with Paul Bishop, and sometimes I can't believe that's still not going to happen. I'm not even one of those women who feels unfaithful. I mean, Paul would laugh at that. If I wanted to remarry, he would be the first to say 'go for it.' And even that!" she burst out suddenly. "All I do is talk about Paul. When are you going to tell me you're sick of hearing about Paul Bishop?"

"I'm not ever going to say that."

"Then you're too good to be true."

"No, Marrell, I'm not. I have plenty of faults, but I'll never try to erase Paul from your memory or take his place. I just want the opportunity to love and cherish you as I dream of doing." He brushed a tear from her face. "And to be honest with you, I think you need someone very badly."

"What if I can't ever do anything but care for you?" She looked tragic, but he smiled.

"Then I know you'll do that with all your heart, since that's the type of person you are. Marrell Bishop is the sweetest woman I've ever known."

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She cried then, and he put an arm around her and brought her close. He had a bulky sweater on, and Marrell cried right into the front of it.

"I never carry handkerchiefs," she heard him mutter. "Here, use my sleeve."

A watery chuckle escaped Marrell, and she used her own sleeve.

"What are we going to do?" she asked.

"That remains to be seen."

Marrell looked up at him and realized she was sitting very close.

"You don't need to move on my account."

His arm was on the back of the bench now, but Marrell's heart was not on that. She had suddenly remembered the girls.

"How do we do this, Jack? How do we find out if we have anything here without the girls knowing? I don't want them hurt."

"I don't plan to stomp off and never speak to you again if you don't want to marry me, Marrell. We can tell Mackenzie and Delancey what we're thinking of because I'm still going to be there for the three of you."

"So we should talk to them?"

"If you're comfortable with that ... if you want us to pursue this, yes. If not, then I'll just go back to being friend Jack."

"And you could actually do that?"

"Yes, Marrell, I can. For you, I can."

"I don't want that," she said almost immediately. "I'm not sure exactly what I do want right now, but I don't want you to fade into the woodwork." She looked up at him. "Are you really 41?"

He laughed. "Yes."

"You don't look it."

"Well, then we're even, because you don't look like the mother of teenage girls."

She pulled a face. "Most days I feel like one." She sighed. "When do we talk to them?"

"No time like the present."

Marrell bit her lip. "Okay."

They left the bench then and started down the path.

"Just a minute." Jack caught her arm and led her back to where they were. "I think we need a little help before we do this." He held out his hand and Marrell put hers into it. Jack

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prayed and Marrell listened, her heart settled and at peace. She didn't know what God had for them, but when a man was willing to pray as Jack was doing, she felt that was a very good start. If the girls felt the same way, that would answer just one of the many questions rushing through her mind. The rest would have to wait on the Lord's time, and as Jack let go of her hand and didn't touch her all the way home, she knew he was willing to wait as well.

"Okay you two," Marrell came right at them from the front door. Jack had only been gone a few seconds. "What did you really think?" Marrell sat down and tried not to look as anxious as she felt. If they felt she had betrayed them or been sneaky, she would be so hurt and upset.

The Bishop girls stared at her, both a little shocked. Jack Avery had just sat in their living room and said he was in love with their mother and hoped to marry her someday. Jack- Jackson Avery-their mother's boss.

"Did he mean that, Mom, that he's not trying to take Dad's place in your heart?"

"Yes, he did. Jack is a very special man, and he knows that I still love your father."

"Then how could you marry Jack?" Mackenzie cut to the point.

"I'm not sure I can, but I will tell you this: There are different kinds of love. I must admit to you that whenever I've thought about remarriage, I've never outright dismissed it or told the Lord no. I don't believe I'll ever love again, but there are marriages built on caring and trust."

"Would you sleep together?" Again Mackenzie went for the bottom line.

"I would not marry Jack otherwise. That's not fair to either of us, and he's not proposing that type of marriage."

"Has he actually asked you, Mom?" Delancey asked.

"No. Right now he just wants to know if I care enough to move in that direction. If you girls are totally against it, I'll tell him. He'll understand."

"Would that upset you?"

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"It would, but I'm not going to sacrifice you two for anyone or anything. I would want to talk about it, not just have you tell me no. I would want to know why."

"I like Jack," Delancey said. "I like him a lot. I'm just not sure I want him living here."

"I doubt if it would be here," Marrell said, "but I don't think that's what you meant."

Delancey had never imagined living anywhere else, so this got her attention. Marrell read her look.

"D.J., there would be many changes-where we live would only be one-but that's not what I'm asking you right now." Marrell stopped because she had to rethink this. What was she asking? It came to her very suddenly.

"I just realized I want to give this a chance. Like I said, I care for Jack, and I want to see what the Lord might have for us- not just Jack and me, but you two as well. There will be lots of questions along the way, and I will answer what I can. Some answers you may have to wait for. But all I want us to concentrate on right now is how you feel about my seeing Jack."

"Would you have children?" Again this came from Mackenzie.

"I've had my tubes tied, Mic, and although the process is reversible, I need to keep in mind that I'll be 40 next year. Jack and I have not discussed that, so I can't say how he feels, but I strongly doubt that would be an issue."

The girls fell quiet. Indeed, they were quiet for so long that Marrell apologized.

"I'm sorry," she said with soft regret. "I shouldn't have thrown this at you. I miss your father, but I also don't love being alone. Jack is so kind and caring, but I don't think it's fair to ask this of you. I'm sorry."

"I don't want Jack to be out of our life," Mackenzie said.

"He won't be, Mic; he assured me of that."

"But he might not come around as much."

Marrell shrugged. She had thought of this, but what could she say?

"Would you marry right away?" Delancey wished to know.

"No. We would take things very slowly-as slowly as we all need to go." As soon as Marrell said this, she knew they could never give her permission. It was just too much for the girls to

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put into words. Very gently, her eyes on their faces, she made the decision.

"I'm going to start seeing Jack. I don't know exactly what that's going to look like, but we'll just take this as it goes. If at any time we feel God is directing otherwise, through you, through Oliver and Shay, or anyone, we'll step back and reevaluate. You must come to me at any time. I will always listen, but unless you have an objection right now, I'm going to talk it over with Shay and Oliver. If they think it's a good direction, I'll let Jack know."

Both girls nodded immediately. Not for the first time, Marrell was amazed over the relationship they had. It was true that Paul had worked hard with them on their attitudes and appreciation for their parents, but it was more than that. Marrell was sure that God had been at work in their hearts. The girls were at an age when many of their friends hated their parents and wanted nothing to do with them. The Bishop girls were ready to be with their mother almost any time or place.

"It's too late for church," Marrell now said softly. "How about pizza for dinner?"

"What kind do we have in the freezer?" Delancey asked.

"I meant go out."

The girls looked so surprised that Marrell wondered about it. Did her girls think that she was a slave to the church's schedule of services? She went to church as often as she was able because she loved fellowship with the local body, but since the girls only came to church to please her, she could see how they would not view it that way. As they moved out the door for the car, Marrell prayed that her life, not her church schedule, would make an impression on her daughters, and that God would be able to reach them through some open door in their hearts.

The next day Jack asked Marrell how the girls had been, and she had been able to give him a positive report. She also told him that Shay and Oliver were coming that night and that she wanted to talk to them. She wasn't sure why she was nervous about this, except that Shay's opinion was so important, and Oliver had been an unending source of comfort and help. At this point in time, Marrell could live with the thought of not marrying Jack. The thought of hurting him, however, made her feel as