Pretense (31 page)

It was clearly a simple case of miscommunication. She and Jack were good friends; he had been there for her many times. She would talk to him and find out what needed to be done. If it would help, she would talk to Taya as well. Marrell shook her head. Married less than a year, the younger woman still had stars in her eyes. Intent on getting to her car and how she would handle things in the morning, Marrell didn't hear Jack until he was beside her. She started a little but didn't allow Jack to apologize before speaking.

"Your door was shut, so I thought I would catch you tomorrow."

"I'm sorry I handled all of that so badly."

Marrell shook her head in confusion. Handled what so badly? Suddenly she was not so confident.

"It must be true," she made herself say. "Taya does want you to ask me out, but you don't want to."

Jack shook his head. "I do want to ask you out, very much, but I'm trying to be sensitive to your feelings and what you've been through in the last year and four months. Taya is under the impression that your working for me is what's stopping me. That's

221

not it. I admit that business and pleasure don't usually mix, but where you're concerned, I don't care."

Marrell could only stare at him. This was Jack-her friend, Jackson Avery. Was he really saying he wanted more than friendship?

"Tell me, Marrell," he said softly when she remained so quiet, "how does a man let a woman know, especially when that woman has become a good friend and has already been so hurt by the death of a husband? How does it work? How does he tell her he would like to see her on a more personal level and not have her quit or never be able to look him in the eye again?"

For the first time in her life, Marrell saw how hard this was for the man. She also wondered how insensitive she might have been over the last year, or was she even now understanding what he was saying?
How much plainer could it be, Marrell?
Her chin went in the air. She would never hurt him by quitting or being ashamed to face him. They were both too old for such childish games.

"A man tells a woman just like you've done, Jack. You've never played games with me, and I hope you never do. Thank you."

Jack worked to keep his emotions from his face. She might never care for him, and in time he would get over that, but if she was ashamed to face him, he felt as though he would die. He forced himself to ask the next question.

"If I asked you out, Marrell, would I be overstepping my bounds?"

"No, but I must tell you that I have to speak with the girls. I think we all take you for granted, Jack. You're always there to help out and offer friendship, and I'm sure at times we've looked right through you. If there's any type of change in our relationship, I wouldn't want it to be a surprise to Mic and D.J."

"Of course not. I appreciate your telling me. I'd better let you go. The girls will be calling."

Marrell nodded but she couldn't move. He wanted to date her. She found that quite amazing, and without thinking, said so.

Jack smiled. There was so much he could say to that, but not now. "Why is it a surprise?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, laughed a little, and looked embarrassed. "It just is."

222

Jack smiled to make her feel more at ease, but there was so much in his heart. He could have told her right then that he found her beautiful, that he had wanted to ask her out on the day he interviewed her, and that she was the sweetest woman he had ever known, but he knew it had to wait.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He released her with those words.

"Right. Thank you, Jack."

Jack stayed in the garage until she had gone on her way, and then made his way slowly back up to the office. It was a waste of time; he didn't get another thing done.

223

Eighteen

Marrell drove home in a fog. Jack wanted to date her, but Jack was Jack: her boss and a good friend. She had never seen him in any other light. She had certainly never thought of dating him or anyone else. And what if she did? What did it mean? Did it have to mean anything?

Marrell nearly shook her head at her stupidity.
He's a man, Marrell. You can't expect to date him and just remain friends. If that's all you want, don't go out with him.
She needed that pep talk, but mostly she needed Paul.
How can I think of going out with someone when I'm still in love with you? I miss you, Paul,
she said softly, and she stared at the side of the apartment in front of her parking place.

She knew if she sat in the car too long the girls would call the office. They would think she had smashed the car or something, but she was filled with a desperate need to be alone. She never was these days. She was either at the office or home, and the girls tended to be there when she was. She took a breath, tried to pray, and went upstairs.

"Hi, Mom," Delancey greeted her from the living-room sofa.

"Hi, D.J. How was your day?"

"It was all right. You sound tired."

"I am. Where's Mic?"

"Mrs. Baker called and needed to go to the store. The baby was still asleep, so she went over to stay with her. I was over there for a while, but I was too lazy to write you a note, so I came back."

Marrell could hardly argue with that; she was feeling pretty lazy herself. Delancey was preoccupied with a television program,

224

so Marrell went to her bedroom, climbed into sweats and a Tshirt, and lay on the bed.

"I have no idea what to do here, Lord. If I follow my heart, I would run so far and so fast. Love has started to scare me. Jack is wonderful, but what if I can't be the person he needs? What if I fall for him and he leaves like Paul did?"

Marrell's whispered prayer was interrupted by the phone ringing. She didn't bother to answer it, knowing it would be one of the girls' friends. She was trying to bare her heart to the Lord again, when Delancey opened the door.

"For you, Mom."

"Oh, thank you." Marrell sat on the edge of the bed, reached for the phone, and said hello when she heard Delancey hang up.

"It's Jack, Marrell."

"Oh, hi, Jack. Is something wrong?" He rarely called her at home.

"That's what I'm trying to find out. I can't stop thinking about you and the fact that I've probably upset you terribly."

"Well-" Marrell admitted quietly, "I'm just so confused, Jack, and so very afraid."

"Of me?"

"No, no, never you. I'm afraid of hurting you or you hurting me. The thought terrifies me."

"I'm such a klutz," Jack said softly. "I don't know how to do this, Marrell. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you."

"It's not you, Jack. It's the fear. I did realize something though."

"What's that?"

"I can't talk to the girls until you and I have talked. If they were to ask any questions of me, and I know they will, I wouldn't know what to tell them. Can we talk sometime?"

"Yes, definitely, anytime you'd like."

"Do you know what, Jack?"

"What?"

"I'm never alone these days. I'm at the office or here with the girls. Sometimes I just want to go someplace and stop. Isn't that selfish of me?"

"Not at all. It just means you're human."

"I never realized how much time I had to myself before Paul died. I would never have said I was a person who needed

225

solitude, but that was before I didn't have any. Oh, listen to me, Jack. All I do is complain when I have so much to be thankful for."

"That's true, Marrell, you do have a lot to be thankful for. But you're also still trying to adjust to being mother, father, and breadwinner. It's a lot of work."

"I'm finding that out. Everyone says the first year is the hardest, but I'm starting to doubt that, Jack. I was in shock the first year. Now this year I'm starting to see the
foreverness
of the situation."

"Did I ever tell you that my mother was widowed when I was still young?"

"No, you didn't."

"She was. And that's exactly what she said to me: The second year was worse."

"How old were you?"

"When she said that, or when my father died?"

"Both."

"I was 13 when my father died, and she told me about the second year when I was an adult."

"Is she still living, Jack?"

"No. She's been gone about ten years."

They had so much more in common than she would have guessed, but then Marrell had always been sensitive not to intrude into his life or bring her problems to the office. She had cried the day she was interviewed and determined never to cry at the office again. She didn't think the front seat of her car in the parking garage was the office.

"Mom!" Mackenzie's voice could be heard from the other room.

"Just a minute, Jack." Marrell got the words out just before Mackenzie opened the door.

"What's for dinner?"

"Oh, I don't know yet. Probably eggs. I'll be out in a minute."

"Can I cook something?" Delancey looked over Mackenzie's shoulder and asked.

"Be my guest," Marrell said and waved them away. "Sorry about that."

"It's all right. I should let you go."

226

"Yeah, I guess I'd better make sure they don't burn down the apartment."

Silence fell between them for a moment.

"You know, Jack, you've always been the easiest person to talk to."

"Have I?"

"Yes. Whom do you talk to?"

"Oh, I don't know. Sometimes Oliver."

Marrell sighed. "Men don't need to talk as much."

"We do, but we're just not good at it. I'll see you tomorrow, all right?"

"Okay. Thanks for calling, Jack."

"My pleasure. 'Bye now."

"Goodbye."

Marrell hung up but didn't immediately leave the room. Never had she felt so confused and inept. She was still talking to him like he was a friend, but he wanted more. But he still was a friend; indeed, his tone gave nothing away. It was as if they had never had the conversation. So what did she do? Was it his place to set up a meeting or hers? And would that time of talking be considered a date? As though Oliver were in the room, Marrell heard him reminding her that she was not to do God's job. Marrell got off the bed to check on the girls.

"I need a favor without a bunch of questions," Delancey said to Mackenzie as soon as they got to school the next day.

"What is it?"

"At lunch today I just need you to mention my being in karate. If a lot of the girls are there, then don't, but if you can bring it up in, you know, a subtle way, then do."

"I take it you want Jace to know?"

"Yes. Here he comes. Just do it, okay?"

Mackenzie nodded, smiled at Jace as he passed her to get to Delancey, and then headed into school.

"What are you smiling about, Mackenzie?" Rosa asked.

Mackenzie laughed. "Why, first period science, my favorite hour of the day."

227

Rosa laughed and let it go, which was just what Mackenzie wanted. She would never tell anyone she had just discovered that Delancey was smarter than anyone else in her class.

It didn't look as if Jace was going to join them. Delancey and Mackenzie were through eating and getting ready to head on their way when he sauntered in and sat down. The look he gave Delancey was nothing short of territorial. Seeing it, Mackenzie didn't care who was around; she was determined to mention the karate.

"How are you?" Jace asked Delancey in that soft way of his.

"Fine," Delancey told him, thinking he really was the best- looking guy in school. "I wondered where you were."

"Oh, something I had to do." His voice was a bit too casual for Delancey's taste.

"Hey, D.J.," Mackenzie said from across the table.

"What?" Delancey looked across to find her sister's eyes across the table.

"Isn't that Adam over there? Wasn't he in your karate class?"

"I can't see his face from here." Delancey went along very well.

"Karate?" Jace said but was ignored.

"Oh, he just turned-no, I guess it isn't Adam." With this act, Mackenzie could have been on the stage.

"No, I don't think it is," Delancey agreed and made ready to leave the table. "I'd better get going. The bell's about to ring. 'Bye, Mic."

"'Bye,. See ya at the bus."

Delancey rose, well aware of what she was doing. Jace came right after her, but she made a point not to let her hand be free. She tossed her milk carton out, left the lunchroom, and moved toward her locker, leaving it up to Jace to keep up. They were silent all the way to her locker, but Jace regrouped as he went, and, hoping to get Delancey's attention again, he leaned against the locker next to hers in what he thought was an eye-catching stance.