Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomaniacal Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase (36 page)
Authors: Jen Lancaster
Tags: #Form, #General, #American, #Art, #Personal Memoirs, #Authors; American, #Fashion, #Girls, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Jeanne, #Clothing and dress, #Literary, #Biography & Autobiography, #Biography, #Essays, #21st Century
Plus it looks great with my jean jacket.
Sidebar? His fraternity got banned from booking dances in hotels in a two-hundred-mile radius because each place they visited had to drain the pool due to high counts of urine (and pool furniture). At their last event, my friends tore the beds off the wall and tossed a phone through a plate-glass window. How could this possibly be considered a lesser house??
Except I probably wouldn’t.
Leather
inside
a purse? Whoa.
Prada bags. And then I will carry them to the unemployment office. But that’s a whole ’nother story.
Why do so many people assume dressing room = restroom?
Yes, plural.
By being leisurely, I guess.
More important, this is not where we hide all the good stuff. Please, everyone, stop perpetuating that myth.
And begging.
Now they’re called “new members.” Ah, the end of an era.
Simulating sticks and asses.
Greek term meaning “Prank the members and then pack up all your shit and go drink grain alcohol punch on another campus for the weekend.”
Purdue’s big spring go-kart race-party weekend. Way less dumb than it sounds.
In the name of sisterhood, of course.
That’s what she said.
See:
Week, Hell.
Getting to live by the muffin shop is an extra bonus.
I hooked up, just not with her.
Named for the long-defunct hearth that still dirties pants and coats.
I’d say I stole the look from Amy Winehouse, but she was eight at the time.
On the plus side, no one’s heard of the Internet yet so no worries of photos showing up on Ted’s Facebook page.
Not sure her grades are so great, though.
Discussing how I barfed on my date at the Screw-Your-Sister mixer does not constitute “interesting conversation”.
Even though I’m already a member,
the best
house would have to vote on me if I wanted to live in their house.
Granted, she looks really good for her age. But come on—seeing your mom in terry-cloth,
Three’s Company
-style booty shorts is just
wrong
.
I still blame ponchos for my fear of motion. Acoustic guitars, too.
Of course he was in a fraternity. President and founder of his chapter!
A boyfriend is the deciding factor between “compassionate about animals” and “crazy cat lady.”
Guess which one I eventually choose?
Deeply, profoundly.
I brought a calculator just in case.
Shut up, I can be affable. I can be anything for $24,000.
I agree that no one wants to eat blue food. But blue condiments? Genius!
That douche cost me about $80!
Much to the cats’ chagrin.
It’s not that I don’t care how my customers’ day has gone. It’s just that I don’t want to hear about it. Okay, that’s a lie. I truly don’t care.
At all.
His George Michael phase rocked.
Taking advanced French, philosophy, and three upper-level poli-sci courses, you assholes.
Lip liner.
And it’s also why I begin to twitch every time I see a cap and gown.
Flavored cream cheese?! Are we living in the age of miracles or what?
Walkmen?
Read panic.
Later I find out she was on to me the whole time, which explains why she narrated the entire process. Bless you, Stephanie.
Unless they’re too chickenshit to come into work, in which case they don’t call him anything. Yeah, I’m apparently still mad about that.
By the way?
Bullshit
. The company lays more than a quarter of its workforce off within the next two months. And I was right—my department isn’t touched.
Read desperate.
My guess is no.
Read desperate.
After getting the flu seven goddamned times last year, I finally smartened up.
Why don’t any of you bastards pay for people to shovel past the sidewalk?
Second shelf, second unit.
The sharing is called “hotel-ing.” I call it “company is too cheap to spring for another half floor in our office building.”
Read eliminate.
It’s so gas efficient that I actually make money on my mileage. That’s why I’m able to buy groceries.
Who aren’t Gordon Gekko?
If we’d been on the bridge one more second, I’d have frozen in place, like Jack Nicholson at the end of
The Shining
. Yes, I want to live life like it’s a movie, but not
that
movie.
Cheap conditioner.
If I live in one of the biggest cities in the world, how come I have to drive out of town to do anything fun?
Or get that haircut.
Great, now I’m obligated to work with orphans.
No worries, everything arrives the next day.
How fucking hard is it to find a forty-story pyramid?
Egyptian?
I’m soaking in it!
Pressure, density, temperature, and vertical component of magnetism. Thank you, Dino Kraspedon, for explaining it all so neatly.
To be fair, I am up seven dollars.
Pun intended.
I should get a life!
Which I thought was problematic until I learned what problematic really looked like.
I prefer my bubbles in a glass where I can control them, thanks.
I’m totally open to it, though.
Meaning they hate men but want to have sex with them.
Although I’m still in pink puffy heart love with how Muffy Tepperman dressed. Argyle socks and saddle shoes! Swoon!
Note I said “I wonder if,” not “I know.” No need to murder me John Grisham-style, thanks.
Read compensates.
Though she might b-a-n-g opposing council in a broom closet afterward. Again, this is where we differ.
I can hear Fletch watching military programming through the bedroom door on Sunday nights. That totally counts as training.
Heh. I could call it my sock compartment.
That is, if I wore jeans anymore.
Mr. Big’s best trait!
Yeah, we didn’t let him in.
Stoli up, dry, twist of lemon and God have mercy on you if you don’t shake it long enough.
Not his real name. But it should be.
I wonder if Mr. Big would whiz on a knob for Carrie? Doubtful.
BTW, whoever came up with pink drinks?
Is genius
.
There’s nothing more appealing than a good suit on a man. Fletch’s making money now and he’s been shopping at Brooks Brothers. He looks
amazing
.
E.g., driving to fucking Knoxville.
Big is the new black?
Yes, I spent $2,000 to go to Mexico specifically so I could cook my own meals.
Do I even need to mention this week has been a long one? I’ve pretty much worn all the skin off my finger.
Crocs—isn’t that an awesome nickname for a pair of shoes?
Fake.
Even though I’m not sure how I’d mesh the whole Irish whiskey-driving home conundrum. My mom isn’t driving three hours to get me.
Read be screamed at about.
Someday he’ll see the irony here.
Also, there’s snow outside and I don’t want to get my shoes wet.
Because felony kidnapping? Is a total laugh riot.
He also told me I made lousy coffee and could therefore not be his secretary, either. I’m thinking he just doesn’t know what coffee without spit in it tastes like.
I don’t advocate his behavior. But I do advocate calm, rational customers.
My brother is still a jerk, though.
Please feel free to buy all these books if you’d like the complete story.
Chicago—Come for the shopping; stay for the vehicular manslaughter.
Although I’m tempted to beg him to never let the less-talented kids on
American Idol
sing his songs ever again. I’ve yet to recover from Kevin Covais’s version of “Part-Time Lover.”
Thank you, Barbie.
I am the
fail whale
of diet-book-tour healthy eating.
Later in Dallas I eat three cupcakes and have half a bottle of wine and then throw up in the wet bar’s sink. I believe this is the universe’s way of telling me how not to eat on a diet-book tour.
I didn’t know what it meant. Note: if you’re curious, do not search images. That’s something you can’t un-see.
Who has seen David Bowie naked!
If Bridget Jones didn’t change her life, too, we might not be able to be friends.
A sandwich consisting of a Twinkie and Ding Dong. It’s a beautiful thing.
Which you’re totally reading right now!
Table of Contents
Sock Lobster - (Navy Knee-Highs)
You Say Extortion Like It’s a Bad Thing - (Green Dotted Swiss Dress)
How About a Nice Hawaiian Punch? - (Girl Scout Uniform)
The Green Badge of Courage - (Kelly Green Speedo Tank Suit)
Miss New Jersey Has Everything - (Brown Tasseled Clogs)
A Series of Unfortunate (Pant) Events - (Bloomingdale’s Underwear)
Take a Picture, It Lasts Longer - (Jordache Jeans, Part One)
Plan B - (Jordache Jeans, Part Two)
Gay Paree - (Jordache Jeans, Part Three)
Clipped Wings - (Pfft, Who Cares Because I May as Well Be in Prison Stripes)
Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Singing a Billy Ocean Song - (White Satin Gown)
They’re Quite Aware of What They’re Going Through - (Bass Weejun Penny Loafers)
Which Is an Entirely Different Chapter - (Not Even My Yellow Argyle Sweater)
Absolute Power? Absolutely! - (Gold Lavaliere, Part One)
First She Was a Seed and Then She Was Trouble - (Gold Lavaliere, Part Two)
Dénouement - (Gold Lavaliere, Part Three)
We Need a Montage - (A Variety of Stained Aprons)
You Sank My Battleship - (Navy Suit, Part One)
Just the Fax, Ma’am - (Navy Suit, Part Two)
Brass Something, Anyway - (Navy Suit, Part Three)
Worst Movie Ever - (Canvas Book Bag)
Pretty (Average) Woman - (Utilitarian Snow Boots)
My Kind of Town - (Cubs Bucket Hat)
Carrie Bradshaw Made Me Do It - (Not Manolos—But Close)
She Gets a Long Letter, Sends Back a Postcard (Times Are Hard) - (Silver ...