Primary Colors (11 page)

The sky was clear but it was bitter cold as Rafe drove Jonas home. The
older man shivered, so Rafe turned up the heat.

“Hmm, yes. Your girl is perfectly lovely, the boy adorable and her family warm and loving.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call her
my girl
.”

Jonas snorted. “Did you hear what she’s grateful for?”

He could feel the big grin spread across his face. “Yeah. Cool, huh?”

“She cares about you. It’s just going to take her more time.”

“I hope
so.”

Jonas yawned.

“Why don’t you close your eyes and nap? It’ll be a half hour to your house.”

“I think I will.” He reached over and covered Rafe’s hand. “Let me say again how much you mean to me, Rafael.”

“Thank God for you in my life.”

“Now you have others, though.”

“I won’t forget you, old man, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“No, no. I’m just glad your world is
expanding.”

Jonas’s eyes closed and Rafe drove the rest of the way in silence. But the smile stayed on his lips. Nia had given him signals all day and hugged him as he left. Jonas was happy and had a good report from the doctor, and Rafe’s career was taking off. What more could he want out of life this lovely Thanksgiving night?

Noise shrilled into the night, waking Rafe
from a sound sleep. Disoriented, he rummaged for the phone. “’ello.”

“Is this Rafael Castle?”

“Yes. Who are you? What’s wrong?”

“I’m a captain in the NYPD. I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.”

Fear formed like a rock in his stomach.

“Jonas Crane died about an hour ago. We found a letter in his desk, asking for you to be called in case anything happened to him.”

For the first time in recent memory, Nia awoke with anticipation for the day. She dreamed about yesterday and how perfect having Rafe and Jonas at dinner had been. Something else, something she almost didn’t recognize, had also taken up residence inside her. Hope. The hug Rafe had given her at the door before he left was more than friendly. He’d kissed her
hair, sending shivers down her spine. Maybe, just maybe, she hadn’t blown it at his loft that afternoon.

She glanced at the clock. Six. Today, she would meet her sisters and brother in the city for a post-Thanksgiving breakfast. She was looking forward to that, too.

Downstairs, she switched on the small TV set in the kitchen and prepared the coffee. A newscast hummed in the background.
“…early this morning. He was only sixty-five years old. Jonas Crane was an icon in the world modern art and…”

The coffee grounds Nia had been transferring to the pot dropped to the counter as she whipped around. Jonas’s face appeared above “Breaking News,” sober, looking a bit like Ernest Hemingway. The words ran on, but all she could see was the famous painter and Rafe together at the table,
hear their words of love for each other. Dear God in heaven, Rafe! What must he be feeling?

Just then, Paulina walked into the kitchen. “Hi…” She halted. Rushed to Nia. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

Nia nodded to the TV.

Holding her hand, Paulina turned around. “Oh, no. Oh, Lord.” She faced her sister. “I’m so sorry for Rafe.”

“He’ll be devastated, Paulie. That man saved his life.”

“You need to go to him, Nia. You can help him. We know how to deal with something like this.”

“But he and I aren’t…we’re not that close.”

“From what I saw yesterday, you most certainly are.”

“I haven’t told you some things that happened between us.”

“None of that matters now. Unless he has other family, friends?”

“I don’t think so. He only talks about Jonas. And he said once
that Jonas worried about him never making close friends his own age.”

“Then go. The TV said Jonas died early this morning, so Rafe will be at home or at Jonas’s place.”

“I don’t know Jonas’s address.”

“Caterina can find out, if Rafe isn’t at his loft. I’ll go with you into the city and we’ll check there first.”

Nia nodded but was rooted to the ground, staring blankly at the still
photo of Jonas Crane.

“Let’s go get dressed.”

Hand in hand, she went upstairs with her sister. All she wanted was to comfort Rafe. She hoped he let her.

He was numb. The menacing clouds in the gloomy gray sky fit his lack of feeling. Superimposed over them, he saw Jonas’s body, at the morgue, stiff and white. So much not the man he loved. That man was gone. Forever
gone. He’d worried about Jonas’s heart issues, but still, he hadn’t been prepared for this. Another emotional ambush. He only vaguely remembered when his mother died because Jonas had been his guardian for two years by then.

Rafe startled at a sharp noise. The buzzer from the outside entrance. He let it go. It could be his and Jonas’s manager, who might want to mourn with him. Rafe couldn’t
face company.

But the damn bell kept buzzing. Maybe it was a delivery guy. He’d ordered some things from an art store but right now couldn’t remember what.

Like an old man, he hobbled his way to the foyer. Even his bones hurt. “Yes, who is it?”

“Rafe, it’s Nia. Buzz me in so I can come up.”

“No, no, Nia. I don’t want to see anybody.”

“You don’t know what you want. I’m not leaving
and it’s freezing out here. Let me in. I’ll come up myself, so you don’t have to traipse downstairs.” Vaguely, he realized he’d never heard her so commanding, so sure of something.

Without analyzing his acceptance, he hit the open button, unlocked and left the door ajar. This time, he went into the living room and stood in front of the fireplace. He’d started the blaze when he got home, because
the numbness had come.

The door in the foyer closed. Rafe sensed her presence and turned. Watching him, she took off her coat, tossed it on the chair and crossed to him. “I’m so sorry, Rafe.”

Swallowing hard, he said, “Don’t, I’ll…”

“Let go? You’ll feel better when you do.” Again, she sounded so certain, he almost believed her.

He stared hard at her. “Is that what happened to you?”

She nodded.

“I want to feel numb.”

“Do you?”

Running a restless hand through his hair, he barely got out, “I don’t know. I don’t know how to act, how to deal with this on a minute-by-minute basis.”

She moved in closer and looped her arms around his neck. “Then let me help you.” After a few seconds, he fell into her arms and gripped her tightly. Her hand went to his neck anchoring
him to her.

With that one little movement, Rafe came apart.

Nia knew all too well the horrific pain that clawed at Rafe. The gaping hole he’d feel inside him. How his skin didn’t fit right. How his head pounded and his throat was choked by loss. Today, sitting on his couch, she remembered those hideous sensations and grieved for this man she cared about. For what he would
have to endure the next several weeks and, to a degree, through the years to come. The pain would go from intolerable to tolerable to acceptance so you could go on with your life, but it would always be there.
We know how to get through this,
Paulina had told her. She did, and she’d help Rafe, but it would be a long, rough road, no matter who traveled with him
.

When the wrenching sobs abated,
he sat back and scrubbed his eyes. “Fuck!”

Well, that was another way to get out the emotion. She and Paulina had cussed and cursed and used obscenities when the pain was too much and they were alone together and felt freer to express their grief. When he leaned back against the pillows, she went to the bathroom, retrieved some tissues and gave them to him. After he mopped up his face, he
closed his eyes and sighed. “Thanks. For the Kleenex and for getting rid of the numbness. Jonas deserves to be honored with sadness.”

“Staying numb only builds up the grief. You need to let go of it now and then.”

“How, Nia?”

“By doing what you just did. Crying. Sometimes by kicking a hole in the wall. By accepting comfort. Eventually, you’ll be able to take care of daily tasks.”

“That sounds impossible to me now. I just want to hide under the covers.”

“I remember Ana had to feed me after Peter died. I hadn’t eaten for two days and she sat me down and put the BLT sandwich to my mouth. I took bites until it was gone.” She shook her head. “Funny, I remember that detail.”

“You’re lucky to have family around.” His voice was so hoarse, it was hard to listen to.

“Did Jonas have anybody other than you, Rafe?”

“No brothers or sisters. Parents died early on.” A brief smile. “There were always women in his life, and he married once, and they adopted me, but that didn’t last. All we had was each other.” He shook his head. “He used to tell me I needed buddies. I do have some fellow artists I hang out with once in a while. And we’re close to our manager.
But I never needed another deep friendship, because I had him.”

“You have friends now in the Ludzecky family.”

“Thank you, but you know what I mean.”

“I do. Yet you should let others help.” She thought for a minute about the Ludzecky home, full of love and support. “Do you have to make arrangements for services now?”

Rafe shook his head. “He left instructions for his cremation
with his lawyer, probably so I didn’t have to be burdened. And I always knew he didn’t want ceremonies. I have to call the firm and see what the arrangements are. I didn’t have it in me, yet.”

“Let me call them. And then I want you to do something you’re going to initially object to. Come home with me.”

“No, I can’t foist my grief on your family.”

“They’ll help, Rafe. You can barely
take care of yourself. Let us take care of you.”

Magdalena sat at the circular table in a restaurant that faced Broadway and watched her brother and sisters, minus one. She was again struck by how much they resembled each other yet were so different. Right now they were trying to keep up the good cheer from yesterday. Finally, she held up her hand to stop the conversation.
“It’s falling flat, guys.”

Luke said, “Yeah, I know. I can’t stop thinking about Antonia.”

“The rest of us are worried, too.” This from Ana. “Rafe was so friendly and kind yesterday. As was Jonas, the legend. It’s hard to believe he’s dead.”

Sofia asked softly, “Paulie, how serious are things between them? They seemed like they had a bond yesterday at the dinner table.”

“I honestly
don’t know. She likes him, but she’s afraid to let herself go with him, let herself care, I guess.”

“It’s time,” Lizzie added, for once not being a wiseass.

“Yeah.” Paulina eyed Magdalena. “Mags, what happened the night she stayed with you? She mentioned she’d been with Rafe that day, and she said some things had happened between them that I didn’t know about.”

Briefly Magdalena thought
about privacy verses doing what was best for her sister. “She was with Rafe. Let’s just say she tried to give intimacy a shot with him and it didn’t quite work out. I’ll spare you the details.”

“Oh, fuck!”

“Lizzie, language!” Luke spoke the words automatically.

Lizzie snorted.
“Prosz
ę!”

Caterina rolled her eyes
.

The rest of them exchanged indulgent looks. Luke was the protector,
through and through. Today, it was comforting.

Finally, Sofia said, “I think we should concentrate on how we can help Rafe. None of us knows him well, but that doesn’t matter.”

“We should take our cues from Nia,” Paulina put in. “At the very least, we can help her.”

“All right.” The devil came back into Lizzie’s eyes. “Mags told us a secret of Nia’s, so it’s only fair to share one
of ours with each other and then tell her.”

“Oh, shit,” Luke said.

“Luke, language!” the girls admonished at once. The levity was just what they needed.

For the first time ever, Rafe settled into the passenger seat of his BMW. The heat roared from the vents, but he was still cold. His hands were frigid, so he rubbed them together in front of the grate. “I can’t believe
I’m letting you do this.”

“Drive your car?” Nia asked. “You’re in no condition to be behind the wheel.”

“I should have stayed home.” Though he hadn’t protested too hard. He didn’t have the energy and Nia was so insistent in a way she’d never acted before. What did it matter? He carried the hurt inside him wherever he went. He just hoped he didn’t burden her family too much.

Donuta
met them in the kitchen when they entered the house through the garage door. “My Rafe. I am so sorry.”

Tears prickled his eyes. Panicking, he glanced at Nia. “I shouldn’t have come. I can’t…”

Shushing him, her mother pulled him into her arms. Rafe went because he didn’t know what else to do. She murmured Polish words to him, stroked his head, and again, he cried out the pain inside him
.

When he drew back Donuta said, “Do not be ashamed. We are a family who shows their emotions.”

Holding up the suitcase she’d packed for him, Nia said to her mother, “He’s staying for a while.”

“I said yes to overnight.”

“We’ll see. Sal can sleep with the twins, and Rafe can use Sal’s room.”

“I
—
”

Just then, Sal appeared in the doorway. His expression was somber and his eyes
bleak. “Hi, Rafe.” The boy approached him. “Sorry about Jonas.”

“Thanks, Sal.”

“
Matka
said he was like your Daddy. I lost my Daddy, too.”

“I know.” The last word came out in a whisper.

Pulling his hand from behind his back, Sal offered him something. “I made this for you.”

Rafe looked down. Briefly, he closed his eyes. “It’s a great picture of him, Sal. Thanks.” When he knelt,
the little boy threw himself at Rafe. Once again, he was flooded by emotion. Yes, he remembered being hugged by Jonas like this. But also, the boy’s solid form, his sweet attempt at comfort brought a bit of relief. Which for now would be enough. Maybe Nia was right. Maybe it would help him to be here in this loving household.