Protective Love (Hidden Secrets) (10 page)

“Don’t you get it?”  I whispered.  “I can’t be happy.  Not with Jason
, not with anyone… not anymore.  The more you throw him in my face, the more you remind me of what I can’t have.  I hurt enough… please stop making it worse.”

I kept my back to everyone as I collected my things from my desk.  Whether or not they were ready for
the meeting to be over, I was.  The longer I stayed there around everyone, the more I was reminded just how alone in this I really was.

“I want to go home.  Jason
- either you come now or later, but either way, I’m leaving.”

Without another word, I walked out.  I heard Jason and Nate behind me
, and knew they were going to follow me home.  There was no way I could handle sitting in a car that close to him.  Once I exited the clinic, I turned and started walking home.  I heard him tell Nate to drive his car and then his footsteps were hurrying behind me.

“What’s wrong?”

I shot him a glare.  That was the dumbest question I had ever heard.

“What I mean is
… nothing.”  He leaned in close.  “I’m going to take your hand.”

I sighed and nodded my head.  Even though I knew he was taking my hand, when he actually did I still jumped.  I didn’t even have to look at him to know the look he had on his face.

“Do you know how hard it is to go from having to do this all alone to being smothered in help?  Pfft. Of course you don’t.  It’s scary, to say the least.  I had no control over my life for so long because of fear and attacks.  Now I am taking the steps to get some control back and I don’t even have control over that.  My brothers still see space in here for me to date and when they meet you, they think, ‘hey, there’s a hot cop, he’ll offer her protection and security.’  They can sleep better; they did their jobs.  He never comes to the clinic.  That was my one safe place.  And now he’s showing up and again more of my control is lost.  How can my family think that dating right now is what I need?”

I shook my head. 
More than ever, I wished I could go back to that moment when I was dancing in Jason’s arms with no music, and just laughing.  It was the most carefree moment I’d had in so long.  There were no attacks, no pain, and no loneliness.  It was just a fun, free, at-ease moment. 

As if sensing I needed to get off this topic, Jason
changed the subject.

“You think I’m hot?”
he nudged me with his elbow.

“No, I don’t
,” I laughed. 

“Yes, yes you do.  You’
ve said it twice now.  You think I’m hot.  Kayla thinks I’m hot,” he said in a singsong voice.

I laughed again, a
little harder.  “You’re so full of yourself.”

On the way to my
apartment, he told jokes, and I found myself laughing at how dumb they were.  Some were so funny that I actually had to hold my sides - they were hurting.  It was so nice to laugh.  It felt odd, but good at the same time.  We fell quiet for a little bit.

“Thank you
,” I whispered.

“Anything I can do to help.
  I mean it,” he said with a sincere smile.

We walked the rest of the way to my
apartment in silence, still holding hands.  Every so often he would bump me and I would bump him back.  It was like we had done it a million times.  Jason was just laid back and easy going; I wished I could be like that.  Had things been different… if it were a different time and reason for meeting… Jason would be the guy I would love to settle down with and have a family.  However, things weren’t different and we did meet for that reason, and I couldn’t change any of it.  I knew my future; I knew what was in store for me, whether Alex was caught or not - loneliness. And I accepted that.  There was no point to dream beyond the truth when it was sitting right in front of me.

CHAPTER EIGHT

~JASON~

Once we arrived at Kayla’s
apartment, I immediately snapped into detective mode.  I was glad for the distraction.  The walk over was a little too relaxed, a little too… perfect.  It was a little too close for comfort.  I liked Kayla - I did - but it didn’t mean I was entirely comfortable to move beyond just the thought.  After what happened a few years earlier, I had become overly cautious.  Maybe I shouldn’t have been, but like Kayla - even though my history isn’t nearly as gruesome as hers - letting go of the past that haunted us was hard.

Once all the bugs and cameras were installed, Nate and I met back with the girls in the dining room.  Kayla’s place was a decent size,
and it was pretty open.  It made things a lot easier for our surveillance cameras.  With the kitchen, dining room and living room, all open to each other, there was only need for a couple of cameras to cover the whole area.  There was a small hall that went back to two bedrooms and a bathroom. We placed one camera at each end of the hall.  We did not put cameras or bugs in the bathroom or bedrooms. The compromise was having bugs right inside the doors just so any noise within could be picked up.

“Are you done?”  Kayla said with irritation clear as day in her voice.

“You have a nice place here,” I said instead of answering her question.

“She hasn’t changed it since she moved in
,” Mary piped in.

“Why should I?  I won’t be here much longer anyway.”

“You’re moving?”  I asked, confused.

Kayla was giving her sister
an I-could-kill-you look, but then just shrugged her shoulders.  Mary walked around Kayla and opened a closet door that was full of broken down boxes.  I could see Kayla blush.

“She moves every so oft
en.  Honestly, I don’t know why she even bothers buying a place; she should just rent.  The paperwork would be less.”

“You are such a bitch sometimes
,”  Kayla said through clenched teeth.

“What?  I think it is absolutely stupid for you to move so many damn times.  I understand getting tired of the same surroundings all the time, but still you redecorate
- well, decorate to begin with, in your case.  Why move?”

It was eerily quiet for a moment and then Kayla exploded. 

“He finds me!  He attacks me in my fucking home!  Why would I want to stay in a place that every time I look at it…” she paused for a moment, and in almost a whisper she continued, “… I remember.  I relive it.” 

She shuddered.

Again silence fell around the room.  After several seconds, Kayla stormed down to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.  I looked at Mary, and everything in me wanted to yell at her for doing that shit, but I could see by her face that she felt bad enough.

“Do you mind if I go talk to her?” 
I asked.

She shook her head.

I walked toward the bathroom not knowing what to expect; most people run to their bedrooms.  My curiosity was piqued as to why she chose the bathroom.  Knocking on the door, I waited for her to answer.

“What?”

I opened the door slightly. 

“Can I come in?”

“Oh God, what now?”

Even though it wasn’t the most welcoming tone, I walked in anyway.  There were a lot of things that still needed to be done
, and I was afraid she had already reached her limit.  Pushing her too hard would cause her to back off and possibly even drop the charges.  That asshole needed to be behind bars.  Alex needed done to him what he has been doing to her for years.  The anger started to boil over, and I had to work hard to keep it in check.

What Kayla ha
d been through was nothing short of something from a horror movie.  I had been bitching and moaning about my past, while Kayla was really been being broken every day of her life. 

I bet she would gladly take my
past over hers.  She hasn’t complained or turned into a mess. 

I look
ed at her, with her head in her hands, sitting on the edge of her tub.  Kayla was the strongest, most independent, most beautiful woman I had ever met.  She wasn’t a victim; she wasn’t the product of abuse.  She was Kayla, and truly, that said it all.

Kneeling down in front of her, I removed her hands from her face.  My breath caught in my throat when her eyes met mine.

“God, you’re beautiful,” I breathed. 

W
hen I heard my voice in my own ears, I realized  I’d said it aloud instead of thinking it.  She tensed and stared at me.  It was an understandable reaction.  If I didn’t get control of myself, I wasn’t going to be able to help her.

“I
’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to say that out loud.” 

If the heat on my face was any indication, I
was certain I was blushing for the first time in my life.

My eyes widened and my heart stop
ped beating when I felt her hands on my face and heard her laughter.  She had the same effect on me that she did the first time we met.  Butterflies formed in my stomach, and I got lost in her smile, laughter, and eyes.

“You really are a good guy, aren’t you?” Kayla
asked, still laughing.

“I try
, but the world doesn’t always allow me to be.”

She stared at me for
a minute or two; it was unnerving.  I felt like she could see past the walls I’d put up to stop getting close to anyone again.  Just when panic started building, she finally spoke.  It was just above a whisper, and I barely heard her.

“You’ve been hurt too.  Haven’t you?”

“Uh…”

How could she possibly see that?  How could she possibly know?
 

I wasn’t comfortable with
the topic at all.  My breaths started coming rapidly.  I needed to get the hell out of there.  Just as I was about to get up and run for it, Kayla leaned over and kissed the corner of my mouth and then my forehead.  I was frozen in my spot.  She held her lips on my forehead for a moment before pulling back.  Her eyes glistened in the light.

“Don’t worry.  I won’t ask and I won’t pry.  You will talk when you are ready to stop letting the past control your future.  When you want a future
.”

“How
- ” I choked out.

“I recognize the pain
, the walls, the inner fighting, and protecting yourself.  In case you forgot, I let mine, consume me for sixteen years before I stood up to put a stop to it.” 

She gave me a sad smile.

“What made you finally…” I started.

“I guess in a way
, it was you.”

“Me?”

For some reason, the new information had my heart speeding up.  I was nervous.  If there was a time and place in the world for that conversation, it wasn’t right then or there.

“Yes, you.  At the party and at my office
, you seemed like you were… like you really…”

“Liked you?”

She nodded.  “No one’s ever looked at me that way and not scared the crap out of me.”

“How did I look at you?”  I asked because I was genuinely curious. 

I know what I was thinking when I saw her and held her, but I wasn’t sure if she would still be saying that if she’d known what I had felt those times.

“Like I was
- you didn’t - you weren’t - ” she sighed, dropping her head and looking at her hands, which she was wringing in her lap.

I placed my hands over hers and whispered
, “You don’t have to finish it.”

“Like you wanted to protect me.  Like I was worth protecting.  You looked at me like I was a beautiful woman
, not trash that is used and discarded at a whim.”

Moving my hands to her face, I m
ade her look at me.  I wanted her to see that I was telling her the truth.  She needed to see that when I tell her something, it was what I meant with no hidden agendas.

“You are worth protecting and I do want to protect you.  I will do everything I can to make sure you don’t come into harm’s way again.”  I paused for a moment staring into her eyes.  “You are beautiful.  You are so damn beautiful
, you take my breath away.  I have thought about you every free moment I have had over this past week.  You are worth so much, Kayla.”

She just stared back at me like I had lost my mind.  As I held her head in my hands, I wanted to kiss her.  The urge to kiss her was strong enough that I almost gave in. 
But she wasn’t ready for that and frankly, I wasn’t sure if I was either.  It was like treading over very thin ice, and any moment it could break.  I didn’t want her to break.

“Would you like to go through all the questions and things tomorrow?  Or do you feel okay to do some tonight?”

“I’m fine.  I want this done.  We can do it now.  Where do you want to start?”

“
Well, first, where did this most recent… assault take place?”

She closed her eyes and I immediately felt like an ass for even having to ask it.  Even though I was only asking because it was my job
.  I liked Kayla, and this hurt her; it hurt me.

“Here
,” she said just above a whisper.

“As in your house?” 

I knew it was a stupid question, but our previous conversation had my mind clouded.

She nodded.  “My bedroom
.” 

I prayed she couldn’t seem me tense up.  Slowly I rose to my feet and gestured to the door.

“Can you show me?”

I mentally made sure I had everything to get her statement on record.  Recorder and camera were both with me
, so I was good to go.

She swallowed hard and nodded.  I followed her out and into her room.  When she opened the door, I stopped dead in my tracks.  The room was a mess.  The blankets and pillows on the floor
, there was blood on the bed and a spatter on the wall.  I cleared my throat.

“Wha
- ” I cleared my throat again and tried to swallow the lump there.  “Can you walk me through what happened?”

“I was in the kitchen.  I kept calling Cara
, and she wouldn’t come.  That’s not like her.  We needed to get out to work, so I walked down here.  He - he grabbed me and threw me against the wall there.”

Turning to see where she pointed I noticed a dent in the wall.  I pulled out the camera and took pictures of the room as she continued to tell me the story.

“He flipped me over and cuffed me back to the bed.  He beat me more with the belt.  I could feel it digging into my skin every time he hit me.  It was like he was ripping off skin.  He gagged me with my sheet and yanked my head back.  My wrists, they…”

I watched her as she told the story.  She seemed lost in the memory.  It was still very raw and fresh in her mind.  Thankfully, I had remembered to press the record button on my recorder
; I wasn’t really paying attention to her story, but more her pain.

“She was in the
closet.  She wasn’t… she wasn’t…”

Kayla had tears pouring down her cheeks and her hands were to her chest.  She was too caught in the moment
and beginning to panic.  I had to do something.

“Kayla
?  Kayla look at me.”

She was looking
at me, but she wasn’t seeing me.  She was still lost in the memory the terror before her.

“Kayla, please look at me.  Can you see me?” 

Her eyes glossed over and even though her eyes were looking at me, I wasn’t sure she saw me.  Finally, she nodded. 

“Who am I?”

“Jason,” she whispered.

I breathed a sigh of relief.  She wasn’t in the memory anymore, but she still felt the pain.  I held her as she cried
. 

Why
do I have to ask about this when it’s still so raw and fresh?

Unfortunately
, that was exactly why I had to ask - because it was still raw and fresh. But Kayla wasn’t like other victims; she had been suffering for far too long.

Kayla’s body shook in my arms.  I didn’t know what to do
; I wasn’t even sure that there was anything I could do to make her feel better.  There hadn’t been a single soul in her corner.  She lived alone in fear.  As much as I worried that the past would repeat itself, I found my feelings for her growing stronger with each passing moment in her presence.  It was like something had a hold of me and kept pulling me back to her.  All week long, I’d felt lost without seeing her.  How can you feel something like that for someone whom you’d barely known more than their name?

As I stood here
holding her while she cried, I couldn’t help but notice how right she felt in my arms.  It was like she was meant to be there. 

Is that really possible?  Can I really feel like this in three times of meeting her?

“Thank you, Jason,” she said as she started to step back.