Pure Redemption (Tainted Legacy) (17 page)

Those were the things he knew about Gabe Castille.

Ava tried to convince him that he’d changed.

But he was still a liar. Worse yet, he knew he hurt her every time he lied to her but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. Didn’t that, on some level, mean he was hurting her on purpose?

He knew that more than anything, Ava wanted him to remember. She wanted him to remember
her
. He had told her he didn’t think it was possible.

That was a lie. Or at the very least, an omission.

At first it hadn’t been.

But the truth?

Things were changing and he’d neglected to mention those changes. He was pretty sure the memories were there, buried deep inside. Sometimes when he tried to access them, they would howl like terrifying echoes in his mind. They choked him with a suffocating malice. They sent jagged chills down his spine. They made his skin sizzle before turning it frosty. They made his heart hammer and his head feel heavy, ready to implode.

What had he realized?

In order to get to the memories of
her
, he’d have to deal with the memories of
himself
.

This is what he had been hiding from her: The Ugly Truth.

He was still an egocentric bastard because he wasn’t willing to do that for her. Ava clearly wanted, more than anything, for him to remember his past. And after every single kind, caring, sweet, selfless thing she had done for him, he wouldn’t try to do that for her.

He knew absolutely, with mind-blowing certainty that he did not want to.

But that wasn’t all. It got worse.

He was fairly sure that if he tried, if he applied just enough pressure, he could blow the top right off the mental box that those memories were stored in. He could remember everything. It was for his own selfish reasons that he refused to try.

He let out an agonized groan. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there, soaking up the silence. He’d let his jumbled thoughts tumble out, one by one, from his messed up head. He knew that he should probably get going, but he couldn’t force himself to leave. Not just yet.

The church had called to him today, as it had been calling to him all week. When he’d been there with Ava, her panic had been evident but
he
didn’t feel the same way. The church,
this church
, was calming. It felt like a balm to his soul.

He also found solace in the items he’d diligently been toting around with him. In addition to the photo in his wallet, he had his phone with her number and the key to her cabin. Sometimes, especially those first few days, he clung to them, as if they had the power to anchor him in place.

And the other pocket?

He pulled out the switchblade. She’d been terrified at the sight of it but him? He felt attached to it in a way he could not describe.

She’d told him that the cross she always wore had belonged to her grandparents. It was a keepsake that held extreme sentimental value and she rarely took it off. She felt attached to it. He had tried to explain to her that he felt the same way about the blade but she’d looked at him in horror.

In her eyes, it was the blade that had taken his life.

In his eyes, it was the instrument that had freed him of the horrors of his past. It had freed him from his father. From his brother. From his past actions.

The church posed a similar dilemma.

To Ava, it held gruesome, terrifying memories.

To him, it was the place where his mental slate had been
scrubbed
clean.

One thing she had let slip was that near the end, he’d told her he didn’t think they belonged together. She alluded to the fact that Gabe—the old Gabe—had not felt worthy of her. And while she’d scoffed at the idea, had flat out denied that it was true, now he couldn’t help but think that he—the
he
that he didn't even remember—had been right.

He still felt that way. He didn’t deserve her.

She deserved someone who didn’t lie to her.

She deserved someone who was worthy of her.

Earlier in the day, when that guy had shown up at her work, it startled him to see how alike they appeared. The familiarity that they shared was like a mental kick to the gut. He didn’t know
who the guy was but he couldn’t deny to himself that whoever he was, he was a better match for Ava than he would ever be.

Even though he didn’t remember her, not really, lately he was starting to feel things. Not memories exactly but more like impressions, echoes of memories. What he’d begun to feel for her now, while in a way it felt new, it also felt magnified by those echoes of the past. A past where he knew with clarity that he’d loved her. He could see how he could so easily, in the future, love her that completely again.

But the question was, did he deserve her?

Never mind the dilemma with his memory; he couldn’t even seem to put her first when it came to simple things. If he did, he would’ve gotten her a helmet today. Hell,
common sense
should’ve told him to get her a helmet, too. If the situation had been reversed, Ava would not have forgotten about him. He was sure of it. The helmet was just another example of the differences between them. She was thoughtful and caring and he was…well…
him
.

He hurt her every time he disappointed her by not remembering something. He could see it in her eyes.

The day that they had played pool, he had been so sure that her feelings for him had changed. He’d convinced himself that she was only with him because she pitied him. Or she felt she owed him. Or, more likely, a combination of the two.

Now, as he sat here, he couldn’t forget the look on her face when he was getting ready to leave tonight. He had thought that maybe, he would give her an easy out. It surprised him when she didn’t want to take it.

He hadn’t planned on kissing her. It had taken him by surprise as much as it had her. The way she
had
melted in his arms had surprised him even more.

So maybe she still felt the same for him, after all, even though she
shouldn’t
. Every bit of common sense that he did have left was telling him that it was wrong for her to feel the way she did about him.

He let out a low growl as his hands clenched into tight fists.

When you loved someone, didn’t that mean that you wanted what was best for them?

Obviously, what was best for her was someone who was
not
a liar like him.

She should be with someone who was not selfish, as he was proving over and over to be.

Ava deserved someone who was honest, someone who would love her as much as she loved them. She deserved to be with someone that would make her happy.

He released his breath in a gust.

He finally saw, with complete clarity, what path he needed to take.

***

Ava felt hollow when Gabe left. Her body, her soul, her mind ached for him. It was clear, one way or another, things were about to change in a big way. She’d tried to relax. First, she took a raft and floated on the lake for a while. The gentle waves did little to sooth her. Next, she tried
taking a bubble bath. Within minutes, her nervous energy was consuming her. She’d decided to go for a run. She ran until her body ached with exertion instead of despair. Then, and only then, did she return home.

Of course, Gabe still wasn’t back.

It was nearly four AM when he returned. Ava hadn’t slept at all, though she’d tried. She knew that time would pass faster if she were sleeping but her brain refused to cooperate. Instead, it had made her relive the past few weeks.

She regretted how clingy she’d been.

In an effort to keep him close, she’d smothered him so much that he needed to get away.

The fact that he’d even come back tonight had surprised her.

Her mind continuously curled itself around the memory of his kiss. She had been waiting weeks for a kiss like that. She just never envisioned it resulting in his walking away from her.

She heard him scuffling about the front of the house, the sounds of him getting ready for bed. But he never came into the bedroom and her heart cracked just a little more because she realized that maybe the only reason he’d come back was simply because he had nowhere else to go.

Chapter 13

Ava had finally fallen asleep sometime after she’d determined Gabe was home and settled in. She’d slept longer than she’d meant to, surprised when her alarm went off. She’d set it, not really thinking she’d need it because she usually didn’t. But her exhaustion had caught up to her.

She quickly dressed, ran a comb through her hair, flipped it into a ponytail and tiptoed out of her bedroom. She hurriedly used the bathroom, scrubbed her face and brushed her teeth before tip-toeing past Gabe who was sleeping on the couch. His feet hung uncomfortably over the end. He had one arm flung over his eyes. In his other hand, Ava saw a scrap of white.

Even though she knew she probably shouldn’t let it, curiosity got the best of her. She carefully maneuvered the scrap out of his fingers. To her surprise, it was the picture of them together. The same one that had been tucked inside of his wallet. Why he was sleeping holding on to it, she had no idea. She carefully replaced it, scribbled a quick note to leave on the kitchen table and miserably headed off to work.

The day was a paradoxical blend of too fast and two slow. She wanted it to hurry by so she could see Gabe. Yet, she didn’t want her work day to end because she didn’t want to have to face him. Or worse yet, she was afraid she’d go home to find him gone.

She did not miss the irony in the fact that the first time she had left him home alone was the one time she feared he’d leave of his own accord.

For good.

The fact that he’d slept on the couch paired with the fact that her mind was exhausted and fuzzy were making her an emotional wreck.

When her shift finally ended s
he drove home, her head
and
thoughts feeling blurry
. When she walked into the cabin, she knew it was empty before she’d even called his name. Her shoulders
hunched
in defeat. Her heart toppled in her chest. She blinked hard to
clear away the tears that seemed to have become a constant threat lately.

She almost missed the note on the kitchen table, largely because she assumed it was the note she’d left that morning. She had it in her hands, ready to toss it when she realized there was writing on both sides. Gabe had flipped her note over to write a note of his own.

It was a note requesting Ava to meet him at six o’clock. He stated that he would really like to talk. She glanced up, she had half an hour. He’d scribbled down an address in Granville. Because of the drive, she only had a few minutes to get ready.

She immediately went into the bathroom to put on a layer of make-up in the hope that it would mask the dark crescents under her eyes. She brushed out her hair and changed into the lime green dress Julia had picked out. Satisfied that it accentuated her tan and perhaps drew attention away from her weary face, she hustled out the door.

The address he’d scrawled down hadn’t been familiar but she found it easily enough. And to make things even easier, Gabe was leaning against the outer wall of the building, arms crossed with an indecipherable look on his face as he waited for her.

“I wasn’t sure you would show up,” Gabe told her as she made her way down the sidewalk.

“Why wouldn’t I?” she asked with raised eyebrows. Then realizing that she was immediately on the defensive for no apparent reason she switched topics.

“So, sushi, huh?” she asked.

Gabe looked up at the sign and shrugged. “Is that okay? We could go somewhere else if you want.” He kept his voice even but he eyed her warily.

Ava didn’t know if i
t was in regard to her attitude,
which she instantly regretted
,
or if there was something else on his mind. She forced a smile. “Sushi’s fine. Do you,” she began, drawing out the question, “like sushi?”