Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves) (32 page)

My parents did not know about what had happened with Alex.  I would t
alk to them about it someday, but did not feel like doing it anytime soon.  I knew it would upset them and they would feel really bad for me. I just didn’t want to burden them with my drama.

I drove to Whole Foods on the way home to pick up some protein powder.  I decided
, since I didn’t want to eat anything, maybe I could drink a high protein smoothie in the mornings to give me energy like Alex had made for me once.  I purchased the protein powder, frozen berries, spinach, and flax seed.  I was determined that I would not lose another pound.  I needed to gain a few pounds to get back to a normal weight for my height.  I felt the sadness return when I parked my car in the garage and went inside my condo.  I was alone again, without Alex.  My heart felt heavy and the tears began to fill my eyes.  I hadn’t cried all day and it had just built up inside me.  I let it all out, sobbing until I was exhausted.  I wanted to do yoga, but had no energy.

I filled up the bathtub and soaked in it for a long time, the tears streaming down my face.  I dressed and headed downstairs after what seemed like the longest bath I had taken in my entire life.  I felt very relaxed and forced myself to eat a banana I had bought from the grocery store.  I was able to eat half, which was good enough.  I took some vitamins to
supplement the missing nutrients in my body.

I opened a bottle of wine and poured a glass for myself and sat in front of the television once again, hoping to find something
funny to watch.  My phone rang just then.  It was Katherine asking me how I was doing.

“
Hey, Kathy, how are you?” I asked.

“
How am
I
?  Tell me how
you’re
doing,” she replied.

“
Actually, I think I’m doing pretty good.  Thanks for yesterday.  I don’t know what I would do without you,” I said.

“
I’m glad you’re okay, Claire.  Did anything happen at work today?” she asked.  I told her about my encounter with Alex and how quick and cold I had been with him.

“
Good for you.  Don’t let him see how upset you are.  Make him think you are totally okay and ready to move on.  Don’t give him any reason to think he can come back to you at any given time, especially since his wife is sick.  I really want to know what’s wrong with her, Claire.  Don’t you wonder about that?” she asked.

“
Of course I do.  But it’s a medical issue and probably confidential, so it will stay that way unless she wants the world to know,” I replied. I told Katherine about going to the dance studio the following day.  She was happy that I was going to do something other than cry and mope around.

“
You know, when I saw Alex today, I noticed he hadn’t shaved.  He looked like a mess, Kathy.  He’s always put together so well, but today he was a real mess,” I said.

“
He still loves you, Claire.  He still loves you, but is with another woman.  Give him a break,” she replied.

“
I’m so angry, Kathy.  I’m so angry about everything that has happened to me.  Why can’t I just be happy?  Why can’t I just find someone without any baggage?  I just want to have an uncomplicated life.  I wonder if they have children together.  I recall Alex telling me how much he loved children and has always wanted to have them,” I said.

“
Just don’t think about him, Claire.  You need to occupy your mind with other things.  You’re going to drive yourself crazy,” she advised.

I talked to Katherine for another ten minutes as I sipped on the wine.  Before I knew it, the bottle was empty.  I had finished an entire bottle of wine by myself once again.  I had more alcohol in my body than food
.  I refused to sleep in my bed again that night.  I fell asleep on the couch watching television, borderline drunk from the bottle of wine.  I awakened with a headache the following morning, but it wasn’t anything a couple of aspirin couldn’t fix.  I took the aspirin and took a quick shower.  I made myself the smoothie and forced it down.  If I was going to start dancing again, I needed calories and energy.

I was like a zombie on the drive to work.  I had no idea how I had gotten there until I was parking my car in the parking structure.  My mind was so preoccupied with questions and crazy thought
s that I was present physically, but not mentally.

“
Good morning.  You look a hell of a lot better than yesterday, girl,” Laura greeted me with a big smile.

“
I feel a hell of a lot better than yesterday,” I replied, smiling back at her.  “You see, Laura, the problem is that I will feel great until I run into Alex.  That’s the biggest problem about dating someone from the workplace.  After you break up, you have to face them every day and that feels like hell,” I replied.

“
I hear you.  I’m sorry.  Hang in there,” she said and we faced another busy morning.

I opened my email to find one from Walter asking if I could set up the next meeting with the surgical team for that Thursday morning.  My heart dropped.  Just when I thought I might have a good day, I had to be proven wrong.  I took a couple of deep breaths and sent out the meeting invitation to all the surgeons.  I prayed very hard that Alex would be unable to make it to that meeting.
  I told Laura about my situation and she offered to cover the meeting for me, but I declined her offer, “Thank you, Laura, but that wouldn’t look too good and Walter would wonder why you’re covering for me,” I explained.

“
That’s true, but if you change your mind, don’t hesitate to ask me,” she smiled.

I was looking forward to visiting the dance studio that evening.  The thought of that kept a smile on my face throughout the day.  In the afternoon, the meeting invitation responses began to flow in.  My heart stopped beating for a minute when I received a response from Alex that he would be available.  Of course Mark and Taryn
accepted the invitation also.

“
Let’s go eat,” Laura was at my desk ready for lunch.  I didn’t have an appetite, but I knew I had to eat if I wanted to start dancing again.

“
Oh, uh, that’s right.  It’s lunchtime.  Falafel?” I asked.

“
That sounds mouthwatering,” she replied as we headed to one of our favorite places for lunch.  I picked at my food as usual but managed to eat almost half of what was on my plate, which was a great accomplishment.  I heard a voice I recognized at the eatery, I turned my head to see Alex and Taryn walking inside. My heart sank suddenly. Taryn was her usual loud self and Alex still looked like a mess.  I turned my head back quickly and looked at Laura, my eyes wide.

“
Why is this happening to me, Laura?  Why couldn’t they eat elsewhere?” I whispered.

“
I’m done with my food if you are.  We can leave now if you’d like,” she whispered back.

“
Yes, please.  I’m sorry,” I apologized.

“
Don’t apologize, Claire.  I can’t imagine how you must feel,” she replied, genuinely.

We left quickly, not even
glancing at Alex.  I didn’t know how long I would be running from him.  I could not face him after what he had done to me.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from the world, to isolate myself, just as long as it took me to get over the heartache, but that was not an option.  I had to face it all head on and it was so unfair.

We walked back from lunch very slowly.  My legs felt heavy as if I had exercised for hours.  Laura could tell something was wrong because I was very quiet and felt so down.

“Claire, I think what you need right now is a new relationship.  A new boyfriend might get your mind off of Alex,” she said.

“
No, Laura.  A new boyfriend would be the rebound guy and I don’t want that.  I just need to be on my own for now and find myself again.  I am not well after what happened and I need to heal,” I replied.

She gave me a hug and we went back to face our work
.  I received a text from Alex shortly after I returned from lunch.

I’m sorry.  I didn’t know you and Laura were eating there.  I wish you had stayed.  I would have left if it made you happy.

Enjoy your lunch with the too blond, too orange, and too blue woman.  I’m sure your wife would be very happy to see you have found yourself a new bimbo.

I have absolutely no interest in Taryn and you know that.  We really need to talk.  Please give me a chance to explain.

Your chances ran out a long time ago.

My last text kept Alex quiet for the remainder of the day.  He had his chances to tell me what he should have told me a long time ago.  I was all about giving people a second chance, but this situation had brutalized me.  It was going to take quite a bit of time for my scars to heal, maybe even more time than it took me to get over the attack.

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After work I drove to the dance studio to sign up and meet with Kristen.  I plugged in the address into my navigation and headed to Century City.  I pulled up in front of a very modern large brown building with Mancini Dance Studio displayed in red on the front of the building.  Half of the building was glass and had a very modern architectural touch.

I walked inside the building into what seemed like a front desk or reception area.  Kristen was waiting for me and greeted me with excitement, “Claire! I’m so happy to see you.  It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?” she asked.  Kristen
was a tall, beautiful dark blond with brown eyes and a beautiful body, since she had never quit dancing like I had.

“
Yes, it has been a long time.  I’m so glad to see you again,” I replied, as we hugged for what seemed like minutes.

A very beautiful older woman entered the reception area.  She had perfect posture and carried herself very gracefully.
  “Hello, you must be Kristen’s friend Claire.  I’m Julietta Mancini,” she said, extending her hand to greet me, “Welcome to Mancini Dance Studio,” she added with a smile.

“
Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Mancini,” I replied, shaking her hand.  Julietta was the owner of the dance studio.  Kristen had filled me in on the minor details before my visit.  Julietta asked Kristen to show me around the studio, so we walked out of the reception area and into the studio.  I was in awe of the size and modern appeal of the studio.  The floors were shiny lacquered maple and the walls were all mirror and glass.  The second floor was a huge loft area with a ballet bar on each side and a sitting area right in the middle, similar to a lounge.  There were two stairways, one on each side that led to the loft area.  After the tour, Kristen escorted me back to Julietta, so I could fill out the paperwork.  I filled out the simple information that was required such as emergency contact information, medical conditions, history of dance lessons, and other basic information.

I handed the paperwork to Jul
ietta after I completed it and she looked over it quickly to make sure the important information hadn’t been missed.

“
Oh my, this is funny.  You have almost the same exact birthday as my son, Stefano.  You are just one day younger than him,” she said, smiling.  “Everything looks good, my dear.  Which classes do you have an interest in?  Here is a schedule of classes we offer,” she said, handing me a class schedule.  I had done so much ballet and jazz in my life that I thought it would be a nice change to do hip hop.  I hadn’t taken too many hip hop classes and I really liked it.  Julietta asked me to return the next day in comfortable dance attire, so her instructors could evaluate me and see which class would be best for me.  Kristen was happy we would be dancing together, since she was in the hip hop class that I wanted to sign up for.

I said goodbye to Kristen and thanked Julietta for her assistance and let them know that I would see them the following day at the same time.  I was happy on the drive home.  I had really liked the studio and felt comfortable there.  My mother called me on my way home and I told her about the dance studio and how I would be taking classes.  She was very happy for me
, since she knew it was my passion to dance.  She asked that I stop by for dinner on my way home. I accepted and drove straight to their house.

The aroma of pasta filled the air when I walked into the house.
  “Hi sweetheart,” my mother said, kissing me on the cheek.

“
Hi, mom.  Smells really good.  Hi dad.  How is everything?” I asked.

“
We’re happy to see you, honey.  Your mother said you are going to dance again.  That’s good because I know how much you like it.  What about Alex?  You’re not going to have that much time for him,” he said.  I had forgotten that my parents didn’t know about Alex and I.

“
Oh, uh, uh, we aren’t together anymore, dad,” I replied.

“
You and Alex?” my mother heard my conversation with my father.

“
Yes.  It’s complicated.  I really don’t want to discuss it,” I said.

“
Were you two having problems, Claire?  Is that why you were losing weight?” asked my mother.