Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves) (35 page)

“
Thank you, Stefano, you did not have to do that,” I said.

“
You mean I should have let you pay?  Right in front of me?” he said, holding his heart as if it had stopped beating.  “I hope you know CPR, Claire, because you would have needed to perform it on me tonight,” he joked.  Stefano knew how to make me laugh.  He was exactly the distraction I needed in my life to help me clear the fog surrounding me.

He closed
my car door after I sat down.  “See you on Monday,” he said as I drove off.  On the drive home, I kept thinking about what a nice evening I had had with a great group of people.  I felt happy for a change and increased the volume of the radio on the way home, singing loudly to my favorite songs.

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I decided I would try to sleep in my bed that night.  I showered, dried my hair and crawled into bed.  I was able to surrender to sleep, but it wasn’t long until the nightmare took over again.  I awakened, sitting up in my bed, sweating.  Why was Alex in my dream again?  I changed into a dry pair of pajamas and tried to go back to sleep, but was unsuccessful.  I soon ended up on the not so comfortable couch once more.  It was difficult to get Alex out of my mind when I kept dreaming about him.

That morning, I woke up with a sore back from sleeping on the sofa.  Katherine called and invited me out to lunch and possibly some shopping.  John was working
, so she needed some girl time and I was more than happy to accept. It was such a beautiful day to be outdoors, it would be a waste to stay home, moping around all day.  I spent the morning doing laundry, washing my bed again, since I was convinced to get every particle of Alex off those sheets.  I had become obsessed with washing that bed, thinking if I washed it enough I could eventually sleep in it for an entire dreamless night.

Yoga was in order for my backache and I felt like a new woman afterwards.  Katherine texted to notify me that she was on her way.  I quickly showered and dressed and waited for her arrival.  I called the front gate and asked the guard to let her through the gates when she arrived. 
I heard Katherine’s car outside and opened the door before she rang the bell.

“
Hey, Claire, you look great!  You look so much better than the last time I saw you.  I’m so glad you’re doing well,” she said, hugging me tightly.

“Thanks, Kathy.  I am doing much better and taking it one day at a time,” I replied.  Katherine came inside and we caught up on everything that had happened that week.  I told her about the false alarm at the police station and how disappointed I was that it wasn’t the right guy.

“
I’m sorry to hear that.  I hope someday it will be him and you can put it all behind you.  I think it was nice of Alex to drive you there.  I’m still not too fond of him for what he did to you.  I still think he’s a selfish asshole, but he does seem to have a good side to him,” she said.  “I wonder if his wife is dying.  Do you ever wonder that, Claire?  Like, do you wonder how long she has to live and how bad her disease is?” she asked.

“
Honestly, I can’t think of anything but them eating together, sleeping together, laughing together.  The thought of her dying is nowhere near my mind.  I keep picturing them living happily ever after and it’s killing me.  I can’t even sleep in my bed because ever since I moved in here, I had gotten used to Alex staying with me,” I explained.  Katherine reassured me that I just needed time and would soon get over Alex.  I thought that was just easier said than done.  I had made so much progress that week, so I hoped Katherine was right.  She was happy that I was dancing again because she knew it was like therapy for me.

Katherine stood up, “Let’s go, girlfriend, we are in desperate need for
some retail therapy and great food.  We haven’t had a day like this in a while.  The last time we spent a day shopping and having lunch together was when” – she stopped.  “Oh, sorry, it was the day we shopped for his birthday gift,” she added, sadly.

“
I know,” I replied with a heavy heart.  “Let’s get going,” I said as we headed out.

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On the way to the mall, Katherine and I recalled the funny events in our lives since childhood.  I hadn’t laughed so much in a very long time.  We had a great time shopping and clothes were fitting me better, since I had put on the few pounds I lost from the anxiety.  I noticed my appetite had returned to normal when I kept asking Katherine when we were going to eat.

After what turned out to be a pretty good shopping spree, we went to one of our favorite sushi bar
s.  Katherine opened up about John during our meal, “Claire, how can I get John to propose?  I mean, I’m only twenty-four years old, it’s not like I’m in my mid thirties and need to get hitched tomorrow.  It’s just that we’ve been together for so many years and we live together, so I don’t know what’s holding him back,” she explained.

“Oh my, Kathy, you’re asking the wrong person.  I’m the one who was dating a married man without knowing he was married, remember?” I
laughed.  “Maybe John wants to propose, but he’s waiting for the perfect moment or maybe he’s trying to pick out the perfect ring, who knows,” I added.  I wished I could have been of more help, but I didn’t have enough experience with relationships to advise anyone on their relationship.

After we had stuffed ourselves with so much food, we decided to head back to my place.  Katherine tried on her new clothes and modeled them for me and I did the same.  I had some ice cream in the freezer that Alex had bought during one of our grocery shopping sprees.  We ate until we both felt ill.  I guess comfort food was
what we both needed that day.

Katherine had to leave
, so I walked her out to her car.  We hugged and I thanked her for such a fun day and advised her not to worry about John.  I knew he would soon ask her to marry him, but it might take him some time to build up to it.

Once she was gone and I went back
inside my condo, I suddenly felt very sad.  It was as if all the smiles and giggles from earlier that day had vanished.  I was alone again and I really felt it.  The thought of Alex with Angela hit me again.  The thought of the two of them happy together made me want to crawl into a hole and disappear.  The thought of them holding hands or making love just made me want to move to another continent.  I just wanted to hide from the world until I was strong enough to live in it again.

I had a hard time staying at my place alone after Katherine left
, so I called my parents to see what they were up to.  My mother answered the phone and asked if I wanted to go over to their house.  I happily drove to my parents’ house shortly after I hung up the phone.

My mother noticed I had been crying when I arrived, “Oh, honey, what’s wrong?” she asked.  I told them about the events of the week, especially about detective Keller’s p
hone call and the false alarm.

“
Alex went with you?” my father asked.

“
Yeah, dad,” I replied nervously.

“
You let that man go with you to the police station and you didn’t even bother to call me?  We work in the same city, Claire,” my father was very irate.

“
He was in a meeting with me, dad.  He was right next to me when Keller called and he insisted that he drive me there because I was shaking and scared and so nervous,” I explained.

“
Maybe you need to find a job at another hospital, honey,” my dad’s brilliant idea.

“
Henry, that’s enough,” my mother disagreed.  “That’s probably his way of trying to make it up to you for all that’s happened,” she turned to me, “He obviously wants to clear his conscience by doing good,” she explained.  “Anyhow, let’s change the subject.  Tell us about your dance classes and how that’s going.  You look great, sweetheart, your curves are coming back,” she noted.

I told them about my dance classes and the new friends I had met and how my life seemed to be on the right track aside from the minor unplea
sant events from time to time.  My mother and I headed to the backyard and sat in the gazebo to talk.

“
Your father is not happy with what Alex did to you.  That’s why he was so upset about him taking you to the police station.  You can’t blame him because you’re his little girl and Alex is his enemy right now,” she laughed.

“
I know mom. I just wish I didn’t love Alex so much, so it would be easier to hate him,” I replied.

“No, honey, hate is not the solution and you know that,” she advised.  My mother was in her shrink mode again and I was the patient.  She talked to me for hours in the gazebo, until the sun completely set and it was dark outside. 
The talk with my mother helped me so much.  I guess it was exactly what I needed to get me through the remainder of the weekend.

My parents asked that I spend the night at their house
, but I really wanted to go home.  I didn’t want to get used to staying with them in fear that I may never want to go back to my condo and be alone.  I had to move forward, not backward, even if it meant a lot of tears and sleepless nights filled with unpleasant nightmares.

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It was a little foggy on my drive home.  I thought about what I would do the following day, which was Sunday, but came up with nothing.  The first thing I noticed when I walked into my condo was the empty crystal Tiffany vase that Alex had given me.  It hurt to see it empty every day, so I decided to put it away where I wouldn’t keep looking at it.

I poured myself a glass of wine and sat outside on the verandah.  I didn’t care if it was cold and foggy outside.  I just sat there, staring into space, my wine glass full. 
I was determined to sleep in my bed that night, even if I had to get drunk to do it.  My back could not handle the soft another night.  It was either the bed upstairs or no sleep at all.

After a few glasses of wine, I was drowsy enough to go up to bed.  I crawled into bed and eventually dozed off.  I managed to sleep for at least four hours before I awakened sweating and screaming from the nightmare.  I changed and went back to bed.  It was hours before I fell asleep again, but I eventually did fall aslee
p, and that meant a lot to me.

I awakened to a very overcast and dreary day.  I had a sudden urge to do something to make the day go by fast.  I began cleaning my condo.  I cleaned toilets, showers, my bathtub, the walls and floors.  I used so much bleach that my eyes began to burn from irritation.  I scrubbed hard, taking all my frustrations out on objects.  I washed the b
ed sheets again, as if they had been soiled overnight.  I washed all the new clothes I had purchased the day before.

After all the cleaning and polishing, I showered and dressed and decided I would go have a manicure and pedicure.  Another hour passed at the nail salon.  I headed to the grocery store and stocked up on food and snacks for the week.  I was looking forward to Monday
, since I had dance class that evening.  The next four days were packed with work and dance.  I couldn’t ask for a better distraction from all the drama in my life.

I received a text from my brother Calvin.  He wanted to know if I wanted to meet him for dinner anytime during the week.  I told him how busy my schedule was from Monday through Thursday
, so we decided to meet for dinner on Friday night near my workplace.  It had been a long time since Calvin and I had been out to dinner just the two of us.  I asked if I should invite Kyle and Molly or anyone else, but Calvin declined.  He said he only wanted to have dinner with me if that was okay.  I hoped everything was going good with school and he didn’t have anything unpleasant going on in his life because I didn’t think I could handle any more unhappiness in my life.

Chapter 13

Monday morning, I awakened happy and excited and looked forward to dance class that evening.  I got up, got dressed, made myself a protein smoothie, and packed my dance clothes in my duffle bag to change into after work.  The sun shined bright that morning and my mood shined with it.  My mood shined so bright that even Taryn was unable to put a damper on it when I ran into her in the parking structure.

“
Good morning, Clara, have you gained some weight?” she asked.

“
Why good morning, Tara, as a matter of fact I have gained weight.  Thank you for noticing that I no longer look anorexic.  I have progressed to a size two.  I hope you have a glorious day,” I replied and hurried ahead of her, taking the stairs because one second in an elevator with that woman and I might have murdered her.

Taryn
may have been very beautiful and sexy, but she was always on one crash diet or another.  Saying hurtful things to others was her way of boosting her self-esteem.  She looked more plastic to me by the week.  It was obvious that she spent a good amount of time getting Botox injections.  Although I knew she was the type of woman that Alex was totally turned off by, I still felt threatened by her from time to time.  She had a way with men and I feared that one day she would draw Alex into her spell.

Laura was in a good mood that morning as well.  Her wedding plans for the spring were coming along great and she had made a lot of progress that past weekend.  I told her about my encounter with Taryn in the parking lo
t and she couldn’t help but laugh, “I love how you rubbed in your size two frame in her face,” she said.