Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves) (36 page)

“
If it were anyone else I probably wouldn’t have said that, but that woman brings out the bitch in me,” I replied.

“
She has the same affect on me,” said Laura.

I plugged away at my work, hoping the day would go by quickly.  Five o’clock came around before I knew it.  I changed out of my work clothes and into my dance clothes.  I had purchased a very cozy hooded sweatshirt from the dance studio, which I sported to keep warm before and after dance class.  After
I changed, I hurried to the parking lot to my car.  I felt someone walking closely behind me so I turned my head slowly to take a peak.  It was Alex walking to the parking lot.

“
Hi,” he said with a smile.

“
Hi,” I replied coldly.

“
Mancini Dance Studio,” he said, reading the logo on my sweatshirt.

“
I’m so glad you can read, Alex,” I replied sarcastically.  “They must require that in medical school,” I added.

“
Is that the place you used to dance?” he asked, ignoring my sarcasm.

“
No, it’s the place I currently dance,” I replied.

“
Oh I see.  It’s good to see you’re happy,” he said.

“
Thank you.  Goodnight,” I said and hurried to my car and drove off as fast as I could, not allowing him the chance to say another word.

<><><>

It got dark sooner outside, since it was already October and the time change had taken place.  I arrived at the studio a little early, so I had plenty of time to stretch before class.  Stefano walked over to me as I was stretching.

“
It was good seeing you Friday night.  How was the rest of your weekend?” he asked.

“
Likewise.  My weekend was all right, I guess.  How was yours?” I asked.

“
Mine was just as okay as yours.  I didn’t do anything memorable, but I had a lot of fun Friday night.  The motorcycle ride offer still stands if you’re interested,” he reminded me.

“
Oh, uh, maybe one day.  I’m still not feeling adventurous enough to climb on a bike.  But I promise, if I’m ever going to go for a ride on a motorcycle, you will be the one to take me,” I said, continuing my stretch.

“
Anytime you’re ready,” he smiled.

Kristen arrived shortly after my conversation with Stefano.  She looked very tired and it didn’t seem like she
wanted to be there that night.

“
Hey, Kristen, what’s wrong?  Are you okay?” I asked.

“
Hi, Claire.  I was so sick this weekend, especially Saturday.  I had a twenty-four hour bug and thought I was going to die.  I’m feeling a lot better.  I may look like death, but I feel fine,” she assured.

“
I’m glad you’re feeling better, Kristen,” I replied.

I wasn’t sure if it was because I was having a hard time
, but dance class was really difficult that night.  Stefano didn’t seem to have as much patience as the week before and kept insisting that we should have had the entire routine down already.  I hoped he wasn’t implying that I should know the whole routine for it was only my second hip hop class since I joined the studio.  I would definitely have to practice on my own time at home.

After an hour of pure sweat and hard work, class was over.  I was looking forward to a nice warm bath.  As I was putting my sweatshirt on and gathering my things, Stefano walked over to me, “Claire, don’t take what I said personally.  I wasn’t directing any of that to you.  I know in just a few more weeks you will be up to speed or even ahead of everyone else,” he assured me.

I smiled, “Thank you, Stefano.  I promise to practice at home,” I replied and hurried out to my car.

As soon as I got home, I drew a bath with lavender oil.  I lit a few candles and was more than ready to soak in that tub until I looked like a walking prune. The weather had gotten so cold that my body was more tired from trying to keep warm.

It was so chilly that I turned on the heater after I got out of the bathtub.  Since I had moved into the condo that was the first time I had used the heater.  I dressed into my pajamas and went downstairs to make some chamomile tea.  As I walked by the dining table, I realized how empty it looked without the crystal vase Alex had gotten for me
, which was always full of fresh roses.  I was glad I had put it away out of sight, since every time I looked at it I was reminded of how happy I used to be with Alex.

The tea was so hot I had to wait for it to cool down for a few minutes before I attempted to drink it.  I felt anxious suddenly, my heart racing.  I had that lump in my throat that I usually felt during an anxiety attack.  I began to sweat and my limbs felt weak and began to tremble.  I sat down quickly until it passed.  It wasn’t until ten minutes later that my heart slowed down to a normal pace.  The feeling of a lump in my throat slowly began to diminish.  When would these attacks end?  I just wanted to live a
normal life without an unexpected visitor from my nervous system.  I decided to call my mother, since she always knew how to make me feel better.

“
Hi, mom.  I just wanted to talk for a few minutes.  I had a little anxiety attack and needed to talk to someone,” I said.

“
Hi, sweetheart.  You’re going to get through this.  You’ve been through these attacks many times and you know how to handle them.  Maybe you have too much on your plate with work and four nights of dance class,” she noted.

“
I know I will get through this, mom.  The dance classes are a good distraction from all the drama in my life,” I replied.

“
You should meditate more often.  That should help you relieve some of your increased anxiety.  Sometimes the nerves play tricks on us.  You just have to take care of yourself and keep positive.  I think you’re doing very well considering everything that you have been through.  I can only imagine how you felt when you found out about Alex’s wife.  I know how much you loved him,” she said.

“
Yeah, mom, and unfortunately I still do love him.  I’m trying to get him out of my mind, but it’s impossible.  I wish I had never met him,” I replied.

“
Claire, people come into our lives for a reason.  I’m sure there’s a very good reason why you met and know Alex,” she noted.  We talked and talked for at least an hour and I felt so much better.  Patients had to pay my mother for her time and advice, but I was lucky enough to have it free of charge.

Drinking wine was not on my to do list that night.  I decided I wouldn’t depend on alcohol to put me to sleep.  I would have to fall asleep on my own or not sleep at all.  I headed upstairs to bed, determined I would fall asleep in my bed as I had the night
before.  I had difficulty sleeping in my bed alone when Alex was in Guatemala, but that was nothing compared to the difficulty I had after the break up.  I tossed and turned for what seemed like two hours, but eventually surrendered to sleep.

<><><>

I awakened from the ground suddenly shaking.  It took a few seconds before I came to realize that it was an earthquake.  My heart almost came out of my chest.  The shaking almost caused me to fall out of my bed.  I jumped out of bed, but the shaking was making it so difficult for me to stand.  I sat down on the floor next to my bed and covered my head with my hands.  My body was quivering like a leaf from fear.  The shaking slowed down to a slow sway.  I was finally able to get up and walk, although I was still shaking.  I put on my robe and went downstairs and outside the front door.  All of the neighbors slowly made their way outside as well.  The news I gathered from the neighbors was that the earthquake was a five pointer about thirty minutes north from us.  I heard my phone ring inside and ran to answer it.  It was my mother asking if I was all right.

“
Hi mom, yes, I’m fine.  Are you and dad okay?” I asked.

“
Yes, honey, we are fine.  I’m glad you’re all right too.  You can come stay here if you’d like,” she said.

“
I’m good, mom.  My neighbors are really nice and offered any help I need,” I replied.

I went back inside and things seemed to have calmed down and the neighbors went back inside their condo’s to go back to sleep.  I knew we would probably have aftershocks from the earthquake
, but wasn’t too worried about those.  I looked at the time and it was almost three in the morning.  I went upstairs to go back to bed.  There was a text message on my phone from Alex.

Just want to make sure you are ok.

I wanted to reply and tell him he shouldn’t be texting me after an earthquake.  He should be worried about himself and his sick wife’s well being.  My reply was short and straight to the point.

I’m great,
thank you.

I was a little afraid to sleep upstairs after the earthquake.  I thought it would be all right to sleep on the sofa for the remainder of the night only because I would be closer to an exit in case we had another earthquake.  I lay down on the couch with the remote in my hand and flipped through the channels gathering information about the quake.

Lucky for me
, I did not feel any of the aftershocks.  I soon fell asleep and did not awaken until it was time to get up for work.  Most people I knew were used to the earthquakes we had in California, but there was no way I could ever get used to something so terrifying and uncontrollable.  I dressed quickly, blended my morning smoothie and was on my way to work.

<><><>

I was a little nervous on the drive to work, since there were many freeway bridges to pass.  I hoped we didn’t have a big earthquake while I was driving on or directly under a bridge.  The anxiety was building up again and that wasn’t what I needed.

Everyone was talking about the earthquake at work.  Laura wasn’t as close to the epicenter as I was
, but it had startled her quite a bit.  “Makes me want to move out of California, but then again the other states are either too cold or too snowy or too windy.  I guess an earthquake here and there is manageable,” she joked.  I was in such a hurry to get out of the parking lot and into the department that I realized I had left my smoothie and duffle bag in my car.

“
Laura, I forgot a few things in my car.  I will be right back,” I notified her.

I hurried to the car and grabbed my smoothie and duffle bag full of my dance clothes for that
evening.  I ran into Mark on the way back.

“
Hey, hey, hey, Claire.  How are you doing?  I didn’t get a chance to exchange any words with you at the last meeting.” he said with his usual grin.  I did not want to exchange any words with him that morning or any other day.  “Alex has been very down lately since you two broke up.  Have you spoken to him?” he asked nosily.  “I can’t believe he never mentioned Angie to you the entire time you were together,” he said, adding another stab to my heart.  I stopped walking and turned to face him and look him right in his eyes.

“
Alex is doing fine. We are friends and everything is great, so if you’ll excuse me, I have a job to get to,” I replied and hurried away from him and took the stairs.  The last thing I needed was Mark to play messenger between Alex and I.

“
Glad to hear you’re friends,” he shouted after me.
Friends
.  What a lie that was.  There was no way that Alex and I could be more than just civil with one another.  I wished Mark would leave this hospital and go practice elsewhere and take Alex with him.  I complained to Laura about my encounter with Mark.

“
If only you hadn’t forgotten those items in your car, right?” she laughed.

“
Right,” I replied, smiling.

My throat was itchy and I was afraid that I was coming down with a cold.  Laura told me I should get some throat lozenges from the pharmacy across the
street.  Around lunchtime I walked to the pharmacy to pick up something to make my throat feel better. There were so many throat lozenges to choose from that I didn’t know which worked best.  I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around.  Stefano stood there with a large grin on his face and his motorcycle helmet in one hand.

“
Stefano!  What are you doing here?” I asked.

“
I had a doctor’s appointment upstairs,” he said.

“
Are you sick?” I asked.

“
No, no, I just had my annual physical, that’s all.  Sore throat?” he asked.

“
Yeah, how did you guess?” I joked.

“
This one works best for me,” he pointed to the one he thought I should get.

“
Great.  I will try that one.  It was great seeing you, Stefano,” I said.

“
Hey, can we grab a bite to eat?  It’s noon.  Do you usually go to lunch around this time?” he asked.  “I haven’t had anything to eat since last night because I had to be fasting for my blood work, so I’m starved,” he said.