Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves) (64 page)

“
Claire, Angela is my past, but you and the baby are my present and my future.  You have nothing to worry about,” he reassured, kissing me softly on the lips.

Chapter 25

I opened my eyes to the view of the beautiful blue ocean from Alex’s bedroom.  How I’d missed waking up to that in the mornings.  Alex wasn’t in bed when I turned to kiss him.  I smelled an intoxicating aroma of pancakes and stepped out of bed, following the smell all the way to the kitchen where chef Alex was working his magic.  Although the food smelled wonderful, my anxiety was still so high that I had difficulty eating.  I knew he was watching with worry, so I pretended nothing was wrong and ate as much as I could, which was not even a quarter of what was in the plate.

“
You’re not eating, Claire,” he stated.

“
Yes, I am.  It’s just so early and I just got out of bed,” I replied.

“
You weren’t like this last week, baby.  You were eating first thing in the morning.  What’s wrong?” he asked.

“
I don’t know, Alex.  I told you I’m very anxious and have a premonition that something awful is going to happen,” I replied.

“
Look,” he said, taking my hand, “nothing is going to happen.  Do you hear me?  I promise nothing bad is going to happen.  It’s just your nervous system and probably the pregnancy.  This feeling will go away,” he assured.

“
You said that last time, Alex,” I reminded him.

He looked down and ate his food.
  “To change the subject, I kind of slipped our baby news to a few people at work,” he said, looking at me to see my reaction.

“
Alex, we agreed we weren’t going to tell anyone for at least another month.  Why did you do that?” I asked.

“
Don’t be mad, baby.  I was just so excited that I couldn’t hold it in any longer,” he said.

“
Who did you tell?” I asked, looking him in his bright blue eyes.

“
Just some of the surgeons and Taryn overheard as well,” he said.

“
Oh no.  Of all people, Taryn Simmonds has to know before Walter, my boss,” I said, throwing my hands up in the air, defeated.

“
The only person that I accidentally slipped it out to was Laura, and it wasn’t intentional.  I had completely forgotten that she didn’t know and casually mentioned it, but you intentionally told your peers.  That doesn’t bother me as much as Taryn’s knowledge of my expectancy,” I replied, annoyed.

Alex noticed how upset I had gotten and tried to change the subject.  He wanted to take a walk on the beach after breakfast and go out to dinner that night.  After breakfast, I changed into my exercise attire and tennis shoes and joined Alex on a walk along the beach
on a beautiful crisp morning.

“
Claire, I think next year is going to be a great one for us.  We are going to have a baby and my divorce is going to be finalized.  Who could ask for anything more, right?” he asked, smiling, his eyes the brightest shade of blue to match the ocean.  I just nodded as my high anxiety told me that things are not going to be as great as Alex thought they would be.  I wished I didn’t have these premonitions, as I was never wrong about a gut feeling I had.  I just didn’t know what was going to happen.  I prayed that Alex and I didn’t separate again because I wouldn’t be able to handle another heartache.

I didn’t feel like getting dressed up that evening
, so I asked Alex if we could go to a small casual eatery in the neighborhood and go back to his place to lounge on the roof, and enjoy the beautiful weather.  He agreed to that and took me to a casual place called Moe’s Crab House
,
which was very close to his house and very low key.  I picked at my food as usual, but Alex didn’t give me a hard time.  He just watched me as I continued to force a bite at a time into my mouth, not even finishing a fraction of it.

“I bought bananas from the store last night and I have some frozen berries in the freezer.  I will make you a smoothie tomorrow morning to give you energy,” he offered.

“I’d like that, Alex,” I smiled.  I knew the smoothies he used to make for me gave me energy during my anxious, lack of appetite days.  After dinner, we headed back home to relax on the roof and look at the stars on a beautiful, clear night in Malibu.  Alex made some herbal tea for us to sip on while we enjoyed the evening together.

“
Baby, I’m sorry I told some people at work about the baby.  I guess I’m just so happy that I’m having a hard time keeping it to myself,” he apologized.

“
That’s okay, Alex.  Spreading the news about my pregnancy is the least of my worries right now.  I’m more concerned about my feelings of fear and anxiety than anything,” I said as I tried to hold back the tears, but was unsuccessful, as they began to roll down my cheek.

Alex put his down his mug of tea and wiped my tears away with his thumbs, “Claire, stop this.  Nothing is going to happen.  I don’t want to keep telling you that, baby.  Enough with the negativity,” he said sternly and began kissing me passionately.  A light breeze passed between us when our lips parted.  His eyes told me he wasn’t going to stop after only one kiss.  His lips joined mine again, his tongue making its’ way into my mouth
slowly.  One hand held the back of my head, pulling my face even closer to his as his hunger grew with every passionate second.  His other hand unclasped my bra and stripped me of all my clothing.  “I want you here, on this roof,” he said with fire in his eyes.

“
O-out here?” I asked.

“
Yes, out here,” he said and kissed me harder, without giving me a chance to speak.  He gently pushed my shoulders and gently pushed me down on the sofa as he lie on top of me and pulled a small blanket over us.  I could see the stars so clearly in the sky that night as Alex made love to me.  I didn’t want that moment to end.  He must have known what I was thinking, as he took his time and made sure I enjoyed every second of our lovemaking under the stars, the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and a clear view of the full moon.  Our bodies began to convulse we came together.

We fell asleep under the stars that night and Alex had to awaken me in the middle of the night
, so we could go inside the house and sleep in the bed.  It had gotten very chilly out on the roof.  I fell asleep quickly in his arms as soon as my head hit the pillow.

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I was running again.  It was that damn nightmare.  But this time I wasn’t running alone.  I was running with a baby in my arms, my baby.  I was being chased and could only see the shadow of the person running after me.  I began to approach the white van and sped up to try and pass it as I held on tighter to my baby, fearing the worst.  As I almost passed the white van, the side door slid open and two hands reached to grab me.  The person chasing me caught me and grabbed me from my waist.  I turned to look and it was Alex.  My baby began to cry and I awakened with a scream.

I was sitting up in the bed and Alex was sitting up ne
xt to me.

“
Claire, it’s ok.  It was just another dream,” he reassured.

“
No, it’s not ok.  I was running with the baby in my arms.  It was like he was going to take the baby.  It was so scary, Alex,” I said, sobbing.

“
Shhh, I’m here, baby.  Everything is going to be fine.  It was just another dream.  Come here,” he said as he pulled me close to him, putting my head on his chest and running his fingers through my hair, so I could fall asleep.  He knew how drowsy his hands on my hair made me.  My eyelids became heavier and heavier until I succumbed to sleep in his warm, safe embrace.

I awakened to another beautiful, sunny morning in Malibu.  Alex had his head propped up with his hand and had been watching me as I slept.  He smiled when I opened my eyes
.

“
Mmm, good morning Alex.  I love it when you’re next to me in the mornings and not in the kitchen,” I said, moving closer to him.  I recalled the horrible dream I had had and it made me anxious that something was going to happen to the baby.  I didn’t share my thoughts with Alex, as I knew he would only tell me that everything was going to be all right.  He kissed me softly on my lips before getting out of bed to make a smoothie for me to drink for breakfast.

“
Then we will walk on the beach like we did yesterday,” he suggested.

“
Sounds great, Alex,” I replied.  I climbed out of bed, dressed, and brushed my teeth, tying my hair in a ponytail.  Alex brought the smoothie he had made to the bedroom.  It took me some time to finish it, but I managed to do it.  He looked so happy his eyes were beaming, as a parent proud of their child for something.

We headed out for our walk on the beach before it got too hot outside.
  “Claire,” he began, “what are we going to do with the living situation after the baby?  Do you still want us to stay at your place during the week and here on the weekends?  You can rent out your place and we can live here permanently if you’d like.  It wouldn’t be such a bad idea if you stayed home with the baby.  I’m very financially stable, so you would never have to work a day in your life,” he said.

“
No, no, Alex.  I don’t want to stay home.  As far as the living situation goes, let’s just play it by ear.  We could go back and forth.  It would be a nice change for the baby too, weekends here at the beach and weekdays closer to my parent’s incase we need help with the baby,” I clarified.

“
Whatever makes you and the baby happy works for me, Claire,” he smiled, letting go of my hand as he put his arm around my waist.  “I’m just so happy that I couldn’t care less where we live as long as we’re together,” he added.

“
That’s sweet, Alex,” I said.  He stopped walking and turned me to face him.

“
What’s wrong, baby?  You have that frightened look in your eyes again,” he said, looking frightened as well.

“I guess I’m just thinking about my weird dream.  Don’t worry, Alex, it’s just a little anxiety.  It will go away on its’ own,” I assured.

“
It will, I promise.  The holidays are coming up, so cheer up.  Thanksgiving dinner at your parents’ house is this coming Thursday, remember?  It was very nice of them to invite me,” he expressed.

“
Yes it was.  I’m looking forward to spending the holidays with you, Alex,” I replied.

<><><>

We were both ready for a shower after we returned from our one-hour walk along the beach.  I was still full from the smoothie Alex had made for me and didn’t even want to think about lunch or dinner.  Alex began undressing me before we made it inside the house, leaving a trail of clothing on the way to the bedroom.  He turned on the shower and warmed the water before I got inside.  The water wasn’t as hot as he normally liked it, only warm.  He shampooed my hair and lathered my body.  My breasts were so sore that I hesitated when he caressed them.  “I’m sorry, baby.  We won’t do anything.  Let’s just shower,” he said.  After our shower together, I wrapped a towel around myself as I dried my hair.

“
What would you like me to make for you?” he asked.

“
Uh, whatever you want, Alex.  I will share something with you.  I’m still full from this morning,” I explained.

He kissed me before heading into the kitchen to figure out what to feed me. 
I joined him in the kitchen after getting dressed to help him cook, but he refused to allow me to do anything.

“
I got it, baby.  Just sit down and keep me company while I cook,” he said as he took out whatever he needed from the refrigerator and pantry.  He made shrimp scampi and an arugula and strawberry salad.  How I wished I had an appetite because Alex’s cooking was divine.  I picked at the food on my plate without eating much.  I felt so nervous that my palms had become sweaty.

Alex didn’t say anything about my lack of interest in food, as he knew it would irritate me.  We decided to pack our things and head to my condo where Alex promised he would do the laundry
, so I wouldn’t have to worry about it.  I was very quiet on the drive to my place.  I felt a lump in my throat from the severity of my anxiety.  I felt as if my top was choking me, but I wasn’t wearing anything close to my neck.  I began to sweat and my heart rate increased.  I began to cry for no reason other than fear.  Alex pulled over and tried to calm me down.

“
Claire, just breathe.  You’re having a panic attack.  It will subside in a few minutes,” he assured.  I just nodded.  I knew he was right and I had been there many times before to know what to expect.

“
I’m fine, Alex.  It’s going away,” I replied.  He began to drive again and I noticed he had picked up speed to get us to my place quickly.  I felt much better after we got to my condo and I lay down on the sofa for a while.  Alex poured a large glass of water for me and I drank all of it.  He did all the laundry, watered my plants, and cleaned up around my condo.  He knew I liked everything clean and organized and how irate I became when things were out of place.