Puzzle Me This (8 page)

“When you lived in San Francisco, you probably went to the clubs a lot,” Alex said slowly.

“I guess.”

“And you hooked up a lot.”

Luke frowned. “Alex, I’m going there to work, not to party.”

Alex tilted his head skeptically, but he didn’t look at Luke. He played with the arm of his chair. “You can’t work all the time.”

“Obviously, you’ve never shipped a computer game,” Luke huffed. He knew Alex was fishing, but he didn’t want to make any promises. San Francisco was his old stomping ground. Of course he’d go out, if he could find the time.

“Please don’t do that!” Alex said hotly. “Don’t talk around things like I’m an idiot. I know what this is and what this isn’t, all right? At least allow me that much dignity!”

“Yeah? What is it then?” Luke asked, folding his arms and glaring.

Alex heaved a big breath and spoke bitterly. “You want to be the guy who’s enlightened enough to have a friend in a wheelchair. So everyone can think ‘What a great guy! How big of him to hang out with a handicapped person!’. But you
don’t
want to be the guy who’s such a loser he has a cripple for a
boyfriend
.”

Luke felt anger surge, hot and choking. “Where the hell do you get this shit?”

Alex’s mouth twisted. He pushed back from the table and looked down at his hands, clenched in his lap. He didn’t answer.

“You’re the one who’s obsessed with the chair! I don’t care about the goddamn chair!” Luke shouted. A band tightened around his chest, hot and aching. He felt like hitting something.

Alex went very still. Long moments ticked by. There was a look on his face Luke didn’t like. It was sad and shut-off and resigned, and it made Luke feel sick to his stomach.

He squatted down by Alex’s chair. “I don’t want to fight with you,” Luke said gently. “Look, we’re both just stressed because I’m leaving. I’ll make it up to you when I get back. Okay?”

Alex nodded. “Sure.” But he didn’t look up.

This was so difficult. Luke felt like he was drowning. He wanted to hold Alex, to make love to him before leaving. But the hurt burned a hole in Luke’s chest, and Alex looked in no mood for wine and roses either. There was no real fix except to just get through this month.

“Well, I guess I’ll go. I have to get up at fuck-me-o’clock for my flight, and I haven’t even packed.”

Alex finally looked up and gave Luke a weak smile. “Have a safe trip.”

“I’ll miss you,” Luke said, kissing Alex’s forehead. Then he left.

It wasn’t until Luke was about to board the plane in the morning that he saw the text message he’d received the night before. It was from Marco.

Dude! Stoked ur coming in from the barren wilds of gaydom. We’ll hit every club in the Castro. Me so horny.

Luke shut his eyes and groaned. Great. Thanks, Marco.

Chapter 7

L
UKE
watched Marco and Denny dancing under the colored strobes at The Mix. It was a packed Saturday night, the first night in a week he and Marco had a few hours off. He used to love this place, but tonight it felt crowded and shallow and wrong. All wrong.

A dark-haired guy was giving Luke the eye from the bar. He was good-looking, a bit on the dangerous side. In the old days, he would have been just Luke’s type. But Luke knew how it would go—mutual blowjobs in the bathroom or, if it was high romance, a fuck at the guy’s apartment nearby. There’d be a wink and a clear invitation to leave when it was done.

Luke had no interest in that, not when he was feeling so homesick for Alex. Alex, whose sweet body fit perfectly against his; Alex with the unbelievable mouth; Alex who made him laugh, who loved him; Alex who’d said having Luke make love to him had been the best thing that ever happened in his life.

Standing here, remembering a string of one-night stands, Luke knew it had been the best thing that had ever happened in his life, too.

At that moment, Luke had another minor epiphany. He would rather be sitting on a couch with Alex watching a movie than in the hottest gay club in San Francisco. And he would rather spend his life walking on rail trails, if Alex was by his side, than climbing the most magnificent peaks. And the thing is, he could go climb those peaks if he wanted. Alex would be happy to cheer him on. But chances were that most of the time he’d prefer to be with Alex. And that was okay. That was better than okay.

Luke checked his phone again. Alex had not returned a phone call or a text since Luke left him eight days ago. Luke had been swamped since he’d stepped into the office, so he hadn’t had too much time to worry about it. But the bad feeling that had been growing in the pit of his stomach was now turning into a chilling dread.

Luke wove his way through sweaty bodies onto the dance floor and told Marco he was leaving. Marco looked at him like he was crazy, but Luke just shook his head and made his way out.

On the sidewalk, Luke tried Alex’s cell phone again. Voice mail picked up. “Hey, babe, it’s me. Message number eighty-nine. I guess you’re really upset with me. Please call me so we can talk.” He hung up.

T
HE
next day Luke stepped out into the lobby at City Shark Games and made the call he’d been avoiding. Amy had given him her number, in case there was ever an emergency. It was humiliating, but he dialed it. She picked up.

“Amy, it’s Luke.”

She was silent for a minute. “Hi, Luke.”

“I’m trying to reach Alex. Is he okay? He hasn’t been returning my e-mails or calls.”

“Alex doesn’t want to speak to you.” The finality in her voice cut Luke to the bone.

So this was not some communication mishap, then. And Alex was not in the hospital. Luke really was being dumped. “Why?” was all Luke could manage.

“I guess you’d have to ask him.”

“I would, but
he won’t speak to me
,” Luke said. His voice broke.

Amy seemed to take pity on him. “Look, I’ll ask Alex to e-mail you.” She hesitated. “You should know that he won’t be at The Woodsman when you get back. We’re moving his stuff out at the end of the month. He’s going to live with our folks until he finds something else.”

“But… that’s Alex’s place. It’s set up for a wheelchair. He can’t just leave it!”

“Yeah. It sucks that he has to. Good-bye, Luke.” Amy hung up.

Luke was going to be sick. He made it to the men’s room and sank down in a cubicle, cold and sweating. He felt hot pressure behind his eyes. When was the last time he’d cried? High school maybe. He covered his face with his hand and fought to get himself under control. The pain in his chest—it felt like his heart was breaking. He’d never known how literal that could be.

Alex, I’m so sorry. I know I fucked up, but it can’t be this bad. Please.

He suddenly remembered that Amy said she’d try to get Alex to e-mail him. In a flash, Luke was on his feet. He splashed cold water on his face and went back to his desk, looking down to use his long hair as camouflage. He woke up his monitor.

There was an e-mail from Alex.

Luke,

You were really nice to me, and you never promised me anything. I wish I could just take it for what it is and enjoy it. But I fell for you so hard. So damned hard, Luke. I just loved everything about you. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this again, be the only one invested, let someone make me feel not good enough. It hurts too much. I don’t blame you. The stupid thing is, I want the best for you and I know that’s not me. I wish we could remain friends, but it would be better for me to try to forget you.

Alex

Luke read it three times. As it sank in, something cleared in his mind, and he saw how bad things must have looked to Alex. They’d rarely gone out. It was always dark by the time he was off work and he just wanted to hang out. The one time they’d gone to the movie theater he’d pulled away from Alex’s touch. He hadn’t been willing to say “I love you.” He hadn’t wanted to introduce Alex to his family. He’d been running away ever since the Halloween party. He hadn’t meant to push Alex away. He’d just wanted to go slower, that was all. He’d damn well
wanted
to be sure
before making any promises.

He wasn’t afraid to be the guy dating the guy in the wheelchair, Luke realized. But he
had
been afraid that one day he’d turn out to be the asshole who’d
dumped
the guy in the wheelchair and broke his heart. He didn’t want to be that guy. As a result, he’d only forced that outcome anyway.

He was an idiot. Hadn’t he been sure, really, since the moment Alex had opened his front door and said hello? Since the first time Alex had lain down on his couch and pulled Luke into his arms? Hadn’t they been in love from the very start? And look at Alex now. Luke had been so worried about protecting him, but Alex was standing up for himself. He was being the strong one.
Fuck you, Schumaker. I’m worth more than that.

Luke wanted to laugh and sob at the same time. Good for him. Because Alex was. Dammit, Alex was fucking
worth everything
, and he should have made sure Alex knew that every goddamn day. Alex’s mind, his eyes, his lips, his cock, his beautiful smile, his laugh, his bravery, his heart…. Those were the things that mattered, the things it would kill Luke to live without.

The chair and all that went with it? That was just logistics.

M
ARCO
looked up as Luke approached his desk. “What’s up with you, Dude?” Marco asked, grimacing at Luke’s reddened eyes. Marco was a six-foot-one gay Japanese-American programmer with the most expressive face Luke had ever seen. He was also one of Luke’s best friends.

“I’m an ass.” Luke smiled, warm and happy.

“Uh… okay.” Marco shrugged, with an expression that said Luke was crazy, but he was used to it.

“Hey, didn’t you once tell me you’d made a text adventure engine in college?”

“Yeah! If you’re interested I have this great desert island game I made. Your plane crashes and you—”

“I need to make a little text adventure, and I need it fast. Will you help?”

Marco made a face. “Brian’s already got me maxed out, man. You know that.”

“How ’bout six hours of work wins a thousand dollar gift certificate for Steam?”

“Dude!” Marco grinned.

A
LEX
was working on a crossword puzzle at Amy’s dining room table on December 15th when she handed him a DVD in a jewel case. On the face of it, in blue permanent marker, was written “The Adventure of the Three Rings.”

“What’s this?” Alex asked.

“Play it.” Amy pulled his laptop closer.

He was in no mood, but he was too depressed to argue. It would be easier to just get it over with. He loaded the DVD. A title screen came up. It was a text adventure. Alex knew immediately who it was from. He released his brake and rolled back, shaking his head
no
. His tongue felt frozen in his mouth.

Amy leaned over him and squeezed his shoulders. “Come on, hon. Luke made a game for you.”

Alex’s heart was trying to crawl up his throat, making a lump the size of a grapefruit. He shook his head again, unable to speak.

Amy tugged on a lock of his hair fondly. “Alex, I’ve been talking to Luke, and I really think you should look at this. Will you? For me?”

Alex’s mind warred between pain and a growing curiosity. It hurt so much to think about Luke. But Amy knew that. She wouldn’t ask him to do this lightly. What had Luke said to her? And what was in the game? He finally managed a word. “Fine.”

She left him to it. Alex looked at the title screen for a long time, his heart pounding. Then he placed his fingers over the keyboard.

Go North.

The first building in the town square was the pub. The pub keeper said he had a message for Alex Shaw, but first Alex had to bring him three rings. Alex went back out into the town square and began to look for them.

One ring was given to him by the town doctor, who gave him a lecture on the value of true love and how it was worth any risk.

One ring was given to him by a witch, who told him he had bravery and a pure heart, and those were worth more than all the riches in the kingdom.

One ring was given to him by the village idiot, who told him men with long blond hair were prone to fits of stupidity, but it could be cured with a well-timed smack upside the head.

Alex was trying to control a painful sense of hope as he took the three rings back to the pub keeper. The pub keeper gave him a scroll. Alex hesitated.

Open scroll.

A full screen graphic appeared. It was a parchment scroll, and written on it were these words:

Alex, I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Marry me. Luke

Alex was looking at the scroll, trying to remember how to breathe, when Amy handed him the phone.

It was Luke. “Hey, Alex. I’ll be home Saturday. Will you give me an answer then?”

“Why?” Alex managed thickly.

“Um…. Why should you give me an answer then?”

“No, you dork. Why do you want to… marry me?”

Luke’s voice quivered a little. “Because it hurts to be without you, Alex.
Fuck.
It physically hurts. You’re the missing piece to my puzzle. You’re the one. I’m sorry it took me a while to figure that out.”

“I’ll hold you back,” Alex whispered.

Luke gave an ironic snort. “You? You make me pathetically happy. And I make you ridiculously happy, at least I do when I’m not being an ass. Everything else we’ll use our nerdy brains to figure out together. Okay?”

“But it’s not even legal in Pennsylvania.”

Luke laughed. “Mr. Logic Puzzle. So we’ll drive to New York, right? Logistics.”

Alex drew a ragged breath. “Okay.”

“Yeah? Okay what?” Luke sounded excited.

“Okay, I’ll give you an answer on Saturday,” Alex said firmly.

Luke groaned. “Sadistic bastard. I miss you so much, Alex.”