Ray of Sunlight (20 page)

One of the boys from Pete’s youth group, Brian, bless his little heart, had taken an interest in her and several other children in the same boat. When he found out she wanted to dance in the recital, he arranged for her parents to bring a dressy gown for her. I don’t know where they got it. He dressed up in a tux, and he and Monica came out on stage to the tune of “I Believe I Can Fly.”

Now, usually I hate that song, and all its ilk. Way too positive and sentimental for me. But when they came out, I was willing to give it a chance. Brian pushed Monica around in her wheelchair to the tune for a while, and I thought that was all it was going to be. She seemed to be enjoying it, though, so I decided I could sit through it.

But then he picked her up and arranged her arms around his neck, like they were dancing. Her feet came to his thighs, but we could tell she was trying to move them, the tiny bit she was able to. She was holding her head up as best she could and tried to keep her arms around Brian’s neck. All PT goals, CJ had noticed. But the best thing about it was that infectious smile she had on her face the whole time. She was loving all of it. A child who could barely communicate or move was now dancing and radiating love and pleasure.

“Did someone else eat another onion sandwich, Russ?” CJ teased when he saw tears roll down my cheeks.

“Oh shut up,” I bit back at him but pulled him into a hug and kissed his head.

“I think they’re going to be okay, Russ,” he mumbled into my chest.

“Huh?” I had barely heard him, and wasn’t sure what he was talking about.

“My kids.” He raised his head so he was looking at me, and I could hear him better. “I think they’ll be okay now… you know… when I go.”

I never liked to hear him talk about dying, but he seemed to be saying something positive right now, so I’d hear him out.

“They have so many people who love them now… just as much as I do. And there are other people who are putting on shows for them. I wanted to leave you for them, and I still want that, but they’ll have other people now too. I feel better about having to go now… knowing they’ll be okay.”

He was always worrying about other people and hardly ever about himself. I loved that about him, but it bothered me too. I wasn’t even sure why, actually. I knew he was going to die… sooner rather than later… so I was glad he was at peace with it, at least to some degree. But, the more he talked about it, the more real it seemed to me, and I just didn’t want to think about it. I wanted to just enjoy him while I had him.

I pulled him close and placed another kiss on his head, and if people still thought I was crying because of what was happening on stage… well, so be it.

G
RADUATION
WAS
coming up fast. I still had exams to get through, but I was feeling much more confident now, with all CJ’s and Pete’s help, and CJ’s unique way of remembering things. It was starting to look like I was really going to graduate… and with decent grades no less.

CJ had written to the Art Institute, sending them my third quarter report card and most recent progress report. At least this time I had okayed it, so it wasn’t a breach of confidentiality. I still needed to talk to the school office about that.

They sent a letter just two weeks before graduation confirming my acceptance and upgrading it from tentative to definite. But, more than that, they officially offered me that full scholarship. I had worried about how I was going to pay for it if they had decided that my grades weren’t quite
that
good after all. I knew I had no hope of an academic scholarship, but this was an Art Institute, so they offered them for talent too. Until the moment I opened the letter, I hadn’t let myself believe I really had a chance.

I was so happy to get the news, but even happier that I was with CJ when I opened the letter. His face just lit up. It was like he had accomplished some major dream of his own. He had been so sick lately, he wasn’t able to get through his college courses as quickly as he would have liked, even though I didn’t know how he was getting through them at all, with the way he was feeling. Then again, I’d never known CJ to let anything stop him from doing something he felt was important. Slow him down a little, maybe—but never stop him, not completely. Somewhere along the way, though, getting me into the Art Institute had become important to him. He had told me that he’d be okay not getting his associate’s degree, as long as he knew I was on track to get my degree. He held out such high hopes for this glorious art career he thought I was going to have. I just hoped I didn’t let him down.

Not everyone was thrilled with my acceptance, though.

I had the letter in my jacket pocket and had thrown the jacket on the back of the couch when I got home, as I always did. It must have fallen out. Either that or Mom was purposefully going through my pockets, which I wouldn’t put past her. I wouldn’t have minded her knowing, but of course she gave the letter to Allen.

At breakfast the next morning, he threw bits of paper at me as soon as I sat down. It took me a while to realize what they were.

“How do you even dare go behind my back like that?” Allen yelled, but I still hadn’t quite figured out what he was talking about. “I can’t believe you even thought you had a chance to get into college.”

Then it clicked. “You tore up my letter?” I knew Allen wouldn’t bother answering, so I went on. “And if you would have read it before you ripped it up, you would have seen that I
did
get accepted. Not only that, but I got a scholarship….”

Pete was saying, “Oh, Russ, you got it?” at the same time Allen said, “Well, too bad you’re not going, isn’t it?”

I addressed Allen first. “You can’t keep me from going. I have a full scholarship, so I don’t need your money….”

“But it doesn’t pay room and board, now does it? Most scholarships don’t. And I most certainly will not.”

“I don’t need you to.” I was trying to be confident. I did have some savings from the art jobs, even after buying the car, but I wasn’t at all sure I’d be able to pay the room and board for all four years. “I have my art jobs.” I did remember that the first letter from them, way back when, mentioned the possibility of a student job to pay for the room and board, so I relaxed a little and actually felt more of the confidence I was trying to project.

“Your little scribbles aren’t going to pay for it all, and, like I said, I’m not going to. So, you can just kiss that little idea good-bye.”

I was gearing up to argue with him, but Pete beat me to the punch.

“Dad, I don’t get you.” He stood up and physically came between me, as I sat at the table, and Allen, who loomed over me. “You’ve always harassed Russ for not trying to make anything of himself. For wasting his ‘God-given talent’—whatever you might have been referring to, because you’ve never gotten behind his art talent. And here he is, finally doing just that, using his talent and trying to make something of himself, and you’re standing in the way.” I wasn’t sure when Pete had become such a big proponent of mine, but I was really glad he was. And he wasn’t finished. “I don’t understand you, Dad. You’ve completely missed the changes in Russ since his community service.”

“Don’t worry about it, Pete.” I grabbed the waffle off my plate and headed out the door. I only had to deal with Allen until September. Then I’d go to college and stay there. It was good that this happened now to remind me to save my money for room and board. I still had plenty of art commissions I had yet to fill, so there would be that money to count on. And the drawings for the local landscaping companies—because it was definitely multiple companies now—could become a full-time job in and of itself, if I let it. I had actually thought about doing that and not going to college. But the closer it got to being real, really being able to go to college for my art and the more CJ cheered me on, the less I thought about doing anything else… at least doing anything else in lieu of college. I certainly had a bunch lined up to do in addition to college.

Right now, though, I had to get out of the house and go see CJ. He had a way of putting everything into perspective. But, as I walked down the street to get to my car, I thought about what Pete had said. I really had changed a lot since meeting CJ, and there was no doubt in my mind that he was the reason for the change, not the community service in general. I hadn’t even really noticed all the changes, or hadn’t at the time, but now, looking back, I could see many. I was more positive in general, less willing to fight.

Before CJ’s influence, I would have at least snarked back at Allen, if not actually tried to hit him or something. Instead, I just walked out. It still pissed him off, and I was still “me” enough to kind of like that. But, I had grown up a lot since meeting CJ. And not just that. He had changed my whole outlook on life. If he could go through all that he’d been through and still put others first… well, I just couldn’t justify being as selfish as I used to be.

Of course, thinking of CJ made me think of how much sicker and weaker he’d been recently. The doctors had given up on treatment—oh, they were still doing the damned things, but they had told both CJ and me that the treatments weren’t helping anymore. CJ was eaten up with cancer, and there was nothing they could do about it. It was only a matter of time now. Just a matter of time before the beautiful young man who had changed my life, the fantastic person I had fallen in love with, the first person besides myself I had ever truly given a damn about… would be gone.

How was I going to live without him?

I
T
WASN
’
T
long until it was the day before graduation. CJ had desperately wanted to come with me, but his doctor made the decision that Friday afternoon that he just really shouldn’t leave the hospital right then. He was so disappointed. I don’t think I had ever seen him that dejected.

“It’s okay, CJ. It’s only a stupid ceremony.” I tried to cheer him up. “It’ll be long and boring and….” I thought of a possible solution. “I might not even go, myself. Hell, I’d much rather stay here with you than to sit through all that ‘boohoo, I’ll miss high school so much’ shit.”

“No way.” He fairly exploded. “You are
not
going to miss your graduation. Not for any reason, and certainly not for me.”

“It’s really not important to me, CJ. Not the ceremony part. You helped school itself be important. I never thought I’d ever feel it was… for any reason. But you made me put effort into it. Honest-to-God effort, CJ. You don’t know how huge that was. I never put effort into anything before I met you.” I knew all of this was true, had known it for a while, but I wasn’t sure I’d ever actually told CJ. “Hell, I wouldn’t even
be
graduating if it wasn’t for you. So, I’m not going if you can’t.”

Pete took that time to pop his head in the room. He’d been spending more and more time at the hospital, helping with the murals, or just visiting with the kids. I knew he was reading
Treasure Island
to a bunch of boys on the neuro ward, and was helping a group of cancer kids build an elaborate Lego city. I wasn’t sure if he went to the burn unit much at all, but I knew he was hanging around the hospital more and more. I would have thought I’d be angry at that… like he was horning in on “my turf.” But I didn’t feel like that at all. The kids needed all the company they could get.

A problem with him hanging around the hospital so much, though, was that he just sort of popped in CJ’s room whenever he felt like it. To his credit, he never made a big deal of it if he saw us kissing or cuddling, but it was creepy, him just appearing whenever… usually when it was the least convenient.

“What do you mean you’re not going to graduation?” Pete apparently caught the tail end of our conversation. And CJ immediately knew he had an ally.

“Talk some sense into him, Pete!”

“I thought you were going too, CJ.” Pete managed to hit on the whole crux of the issue.

“Dr. Dunlap says I shouldn’t. I’ve been having some… episodes… lately.”

Episodes, he called them. He’d been getting so weak he’d collapse whenever… like he did when we were buying the car. It didn’t matter where we were. He keeled over in the middle of a clown show in the burn unit. Scared the kids half to death. They thought he had died right then and there. Evan—the kid that took CJ so long simply to get him to join the group—curled up beside CJ, held on to him and cried. I had to stay behind when they took CJ back to his room, to calm the kids down and assure them that he was still with us. They all asked questions… most of which I couldn’t answer. What was going to happen to CJ when he did die? Would he go to heaven? Would he still be able to see them? Would he be able to answer their prayers? Would he come back as a baby? That question had been from a girl whose family was Hindu. She wanted to know if, when CJ came back, would he be sick again or would he be happier in his next life? I didn’t know what to say and ended up saying “I don’t know” to most of the questions. I didn’t tell her that if reincarnation existed, I hoped to hell that CJ
would
be happier in his next life. He didn’t deserve all of this pain in
this
life, let alone in another one too.

But while my thoughts were wandering, Pete had asked again what I meant by saying I wasn’t going to graduation. I would have thought it was obvious, and said so, but when he just looked at me, I answered.

“I really don’t want to go if CJ can’t be there.”

He seemed to think for a moment. I could admit now, at least to myself, because I’d never admit it to Pete, that he was very smart and tended to come up with innovative solutions to problems.

“I’ve got an idea.” He took out his phone. “Let me make a phone call real quick.”

He stepped out for a short time, and when he came back, he was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

“Okay, I’ve got it.” He handed his phone to CJ. “You don’t have a smartphone, Russ… I know, because I bought it for you, and let me tell you, it’s a cheap-assed thing. You keep my iPhone tonight, CJ, and tomorrow—”