Ray of Sunlight (18 page)

“This one looks good,” CJ said, pointing to an absolutely miserable-looking car.

“That one looks like the rust is the only thing holding it together.” I laughed. “You’ve hit the two extremes now. So how about we look at the cars in the middle of those, huh?”

He laughed again.

It was so good to see him laugh. It seemed so easy for him to enjoy life, what little bit of it he might have left. I could admit that my attitude about a lot of things had changed over the last several months, but I still would have been yelling about how unfair everything was… probably way too often to actually enjoy any of the time I had left if I was in CJ’s position. CJ definitely had the better idea, and the better attitude, but I still didn’t think I would have been able to do the same under the circumstances. Which made me even more impressed with CJ’s ability to do it.

After numerous hours looking, we finally found one that I liked. We took it for a test drive. It sounded good. Both Pete and CJ approved—and I really wasn’t sure where along the line I started caring what the hell Pete thought, but I did actually appreciate that he gave his approval on this car. It wasn’t much to look at, though we had looked at much rougher ones, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as the rust bucket that CJ had pointed out. But it ran, and I could afford to pay for it outright. That’s what mattered most.

So, I bought the car, and we were in the middle of all the reams of paperwork that seemed to come with buying a car… even without a loan. Who knew?

It was getting rather late, we hadn’t eaten lunch, and it was almost time for dinner. I was starved, and CJ looked like he needed to eat. We finally finished the paperwork, and the man handed me the keys to my new car. But, when CJ stood up quickly to congratulate me, he collapsed in my arms instead.

“CJ!” I practically screamed, but he didn’t respond. He was out cold.

He didn’t weigh much, and I should have been able to pick him up… probably. It wasn’t like I had ever tried, though I had held him in my lap. But I hadn’t been expecting to have his full weight, so I didn’t have a proper hold on him. He was slipping through my arms before I could figure out what to do.

Pete, bless him, had his head together a little bit better. He rushed over and helped me lower him to the floor.

“I’ll call Children’s Hospital.” He started to get out his phone, but he noticed the man behind the desk was already on the phone with 911 so he added. “Tell them that he lives at Children’s Hospital. He has stage-four Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma.” And when had Pete memorized CJ’s diagnosis? Even I couldn’t remember it… or pronounce it if I did.

“And a bunch of secondary cancers at this point. Metastasized all over the place,” I added.

“An ambulance is on their way,” the car dealer announced. “What is Alv-e—whatever you said he had?” I had heard him say on the phone that he had stage-four cancer. He had left out the type.

I heard Pete trying to explain it to him, but my mind was completely on CJ.

“CJ.” I had his head in my lap and was patting his cheek. “Come on, baby. Wake up.” I had never called him baby before except when I was trying to antagonize him, but it just slipped out. If he was conscious, he would have given me a fit over it. But then, if he was conscious, I wouldn’t have had cause to say it. “CJ, please.”

Pete was the levelheaded one again. He checked CJ’s pulse and respirations and said, “Russ, he probably just passed out. We haven’t had any food all day, and I noticed he was getting a little peaked. Then he stood up really quickly. He probably just passed out from low blood sugar or something.”

“Of course,” I said, rounding on him, “the little fact that he’s dying from
cancer
has nothing to do with it!”

“Russ….” Pete kept his voice quiet and calm…, which infuriated me all the more, but somewhere in my subconscious I had to admit he had a point. “Of course it has something to do with it. It’s messed up his system to the point that several hours without food can cause his blood sugar to drop this low.”

“You don’t know that’s what it is! Stop acting like you’re a goddamned doctor.”

“No, you’re right. I don’t know for sure that’s what it is, and I’m not a doctor. But I want to be, and I’ve been doing a lot of research on his type of cancer, and various other things, including what low blood sugar can do. His heartbeat is strong, he’s breathing naturally—”

“He’s dying of fucking cancer, dickwad!”

“Russ”—that infuriatingly calm voice again—“I know that… but not today, okay? I really think he just passed out.”

“I’ll believe it when his doctor agrees with you,” I said a little more calmly. This conversation had taken my attention away from CJ long enough. I turned back to his still unconscious form and started to stroke his cheeks.

“Fair enough,” Pete answered, while straightening CJ’s baseball cap on his head as best he could. It had been knocked askew with all the effort to get him to the floor safely, and I was secretly touched that Pete realized—and cared—that CJ wouldn’t have wanted to be seen in public without it.

Before I knew it, the ambulance was there. The EMTs were asking all sorts of questions, and Pete was the one who answered them all. My attention was on what they were doing to CJ, which didn’t seem to be much. They started an IV and put him on a gurney, but that was about it.

They rolled him toward the ambulance, and I followed along with them. They stopped me at the back door.

“We can’t let you come with us,” one of them said. I wasn’t even sure which one. I was that out of it.

I was going to fight them over it, but Pete took hold of my arms and started pulling me back. It was all I could do not to round on him and deck him, but I heard him say, “Come on, Russ. I’ll drive you to the hospital.”

Somewhere in there, he had asked for the name of the hospital they were taking him to, since they wouldn’t transport him straight to Children’s Hospital. And he had told the car dealer that he’d get a friend to come pick up the car. Not that I registered at the time that any of that was happening. I was just so worried about CJ. Rationally, I should have been able to convince myself that Pete was probably right. This was a secondary problem and not particularly life threatening since he was receiving treatment in good time. But part of me was stuck on the idea that this was it. That this was the day that I lose him. That today was the last day I would ever see his smile, and I had spent it on the selfish pursuit of buying a damned car.

W
HEN
WE
got to the hospital, CJ was already back in a room in the emergency ward. They had already called Dr. Dunlap from Children’s Hospital, though he wasn’t there yet. Now all we could do was wait.

It seemed like an eternity, but Pete said it was only fifteen minutes, for Dr. Dunlap to call me back to be with CJ. He was awake and beautiful, and Pete had been right. CJ’s blood sugar had just bottomed out. Once they had treated that, he woke up and was doing okay, though he was still very weak.

He smiled feebly when I walked in. It almost reached his eyes… but not quite.

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again,” I scolded but immediately regretted it when the smile fell off his face.

“I can’t promise that, Russ.” His eyes looked sad.

I gathered him up in my arms, as best I could with the IV and such attached to him as he lay in that darned hospital bed. “I know,” I cooed against his bald head. “I know… just….” I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t even know how I had meant to finish that sentence, but all thoughts I may have had just left as I simply enjoyed having him in my arms again. “I love you, CJ.”

That seemed to have been the right thing to say as he returned the sentiment and just snuggled in even closer to me.

B
EFORE
LONG
,
CJ was back in his bed in Children’s Hospital, and the doctor said “no more outings for a while.” But, what I heard was “no more outings at all. That was the last one you’ll ever get.” I suddenly didn’t know how I was going to do this. I had always known CJ was going to die—not some nebulous time in the future, like the rest of us… but relatively soon. I had even seen him going downhill fast, but it didn’t really sink in until that moment back at the car dealership that I was going to lose him. Sooner, rather than later.

Suddenly, I couldn’t stay in that room. I saw that he was settled in his own bed; I waited until he fell asleep, and then I ran from his room, down the stairs and out the door of the hospital. I couldn’t stay there anymore. I ran until I couldn’t run anymore. I don’t know how long I was gone before Pete drove up in his car.

“You done now?” he asked simply as he reached across the passenger seat and opened the door. “I’ve been looking for you. Wasn’t sure which way you went.”

I collapsed into the seat without even arguing. But, I just sat there. Pete had to fumble with the seat belt and get me buckled in and reach across me to close the door. I hadn’t realized that he had unbuckled his own seat belt to do so until I heard the click as he buckled it again before pulling away from the curb.

“Do you have that out of your system now?” he asked again. “Are you ready to go back to CJ? Because I gotta tell you, Russ, there is no end to the list of people who will hunt you down and eviscerate you if you hurt that boy by running out on him now. He needs you.”

I just sat silently for a while longer but then answered, “Not gonna run out on him. Not permanently. Not ever.” I was still looking straight ahead but managed a few more words before going silent again. “Just needed a breather. Can go back now.”

I still wasn’t sure how I was going to do this. I had never lost someone close to me before… had never even lost someone distant, for that matter. I had no experience with death. Lost in the sense of not being able to see them anymore, maybe. My dad, his mother, who had been declared off-limits, but no one I knew had ever died. And for the person who was dying to be CJ? Someone I didn’t know if I could even live without anymore? I didn’t know how to survive that.

We went back to the hospital and sat with CJ for a little while longer while he moved in and out of sleep. He was still really weak, but I was pretty sure it had less and less to do with the fainting spell and more to do with his overall deteriorating condition. Soon, visiting hours were over, and we had to leave. I made sure the nurses on duty would call me if anything happened. They said they would but tried to reassure me that CJ would be okay… at least for tonight.

W
HEN
WE
got home, I barely noticed that my new car was in the driveway. Pete had told me while we were still at the hospital that a couple of friends of his went by to pick it up at the car dealership. In fact, they had to call Pete to get him to tell the dealer that they were the ones he had sent for it. He had to describe them and everything. He told me he was glad they were being careful not to give my new car to just anyone, but that it had been annoying at the time. I had been so happy to get that car, but now, I passed by it with the barest of glances. My mind was still full of CJ.

“What the hell is with that eyesore in my goddamned driveway?” Allen launched in as soon as we entered the house. I just kept on walking. Truth be told, I had barely registered that he was talking to me, let alone understood what he was saying and that he wanted an answer.

“Answer me, you little shit,” He grabbed me, spun me around to face him, and slammed me against the wall near the stairs.

I felt vacant, so I would have been surprised if that feeling didn’t make it to my eyes. Something in my face stopped his tirade. I was with it enough to notice a look of shock on Allen’s face before he let me go.

“Not tonight, Dad,” I heard Pete say at the same time that Allen released me. I didn’t really react to either one. I just went upstairs and locked myself in my room. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried myself to sleep, but I did that night.

I
T
WAS
too much to hope for that Allen would just let it drop. The next morning, I was barely out of bed before he started back in on me.

“That piece of shit is
not
going to stay in my driveway.”

“It’s not a piece of shit. It’s a good car,” I defended. “And it’s all I could afford.”

“Who told you that you could buy a car, anyway?” he yelled.

“I bought it with my own money. You’ve always said if I wanted a car, I would have to save up like Pete did and buy one. I did!” I was too worried about CJ to get into this shit with him.

“Well, you didn’t ask if we even have room for another car, and we don’t. So you’ll have to take it back.”

“I can’t take it back. It was a ‘buy as is’ model. No returns.”

“Well….” He actually laughed. “Sucks to be you, then, doesn’t it?”

Pete came out of his room about then. “Dad, what’s the big deal? You did always say he’d have to buy his own car. He did. Why are you being like this?”

“You better be careful whose side you’re on, little boy.” I had never heard him take that tone with Pete before. It seemed the more Pete took up for me, and the closer he and I got, the more Allen started attacking him too. I guess he was kind of tarred with the same brush Allen always used for me.

“I didn’t realize I had to take any side. There shouldn’t be sides, Dad.” Pete was trying to sound reasonable, but I could tell Allen wasn’t buying it. “We’re supposed to be a family. We’re all supposed to be on the same side.”

“That only applies for families without screwed up little shits like that.” He stabbed a finger at me on that last word.

“Dad, you’re so busy hating him, you haven’t even seen how much Russ has changed lately. He’s making money with his art, and he’s not spending it for just anything he wants. He saved up and bought a car so he can get back and forth from his job.”

“What job? He just lazes around the hospital all day with that little queer.”