Real Ultimate Power (21 page)
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Authors: Robert Hamburger
A
BOUT THE
A
UTHOR
BOUT THE
A
UTHOR
Robert Hamburger has a black belt in Street Fighter 2, and a second degree black belt in Mortal Kombat 1â3. He can kick or punch the wall without feeling pain. He has studied ninjas for several weeks and has watched a ton of movies about them. Robert lives with a bunch of hot babes and porks them
whenever he wants.
This is his first book.
whenever he wants.
This is his first book.
D
ISCLAIMER
ISCLAIMER
Good evening. Killing people, individually or a bunch at a time, is an artâa very cool art. You should only do it if you are completely sure you are totally sweet. (Many people think they're pretty cool, but they're not. I'm sure you know someone like thisâmaybe a friend or a relative. You just need to keep away from these peopleâthey don't know anything. There was this one kid, you probably don't know him, but he thought he was so frigg'n sweet, and you know what? He wasn't.) So if you
don't
have what it takesâI mean, REAL Ultimate Powerâyou probably need to chill. No joke.
don't
have what it takesâI mean, REAL Ultimate Powerâyou probably need to chill. No joke.
A
BOUT THE
A
RTIST
BOUT THE
A
RTIST
James Novy is awesome at drawing. He has lived next door to Robert for a couple years. When he heard that Robert was going to make a book about ninjas James wanted to help out real bad. His favorite things are baseball, surfing, martial arts, and ninjas.
Publisher's Note: Parental advisoryâimmature content. Please do not do anything described in this book. Also, please respect bedtimes
and other people.
and other people.
CITADEL PRESS BOOKS are published by
Â
Kensington Publishing corp.
850 Third Avenue
New York, NY 10022
850 Third Avenue
New York, NY 10022
Â
Real Ultimate Power
Copyright © 2004 Robert Hamburger
Copyright © 2004 Robert Hamburger
Â
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the publisher, excepting brief quotes used in reviews.
Â
CITADEL PRESS and the Citadel logo are Reg. U.S. Pat. & TM Off.
Â
All interior illustrations courtesy James Novy, except pp. 132-35
Â
Â
Library of Congress Control Number: 2003113141
ISBN: 978-0-8065-2569-3
Notes
1
Hey Robert! It's me, John.
2
What the heck! This is my book. What are you doing here?
3
Well, I know that I'm only your baby-sitter, but I could help you out with the book, if you like. I'm a student of philosophy and I could make corrections and clear up misunderstandings the reader may have. You'd be surprised how making a few technical distinctions can save a work from an unneeded diarrhea burst.
4
That's frigg'n disgusting! I don't want that to happen. You can be my editor or something.
5
Hey Robert, that was a really good crack at itâyou should submit it to the school paper or something. While you are completely correct in stating that ninjas exist, you are not justified in concluding that ninjas exist from your argument: that huge bang might have been a raccoon, or your drunken father. So I've added a little argument here to support your claim.
The Ontological Proof of Ninjas
When we talk about the ninja, we are talking about the sweetest being everâthat is, we are talking about the being than which nothing sweeter can be conceived. So, when we conceive of the ninja in our mind, we conceive of the being than which nothing sweeter can be conceived. But consider this: Is it sweeter to exist only in the mind or to exist both in the mind and in realityâoutside the mind? Certainly, it is much sweeter to exist also in realityâflipping out and wailing on guitars is much sweeter when someone is
actually
doing it. So when we conceive of the sweetest being ever, we are conceiving of the being that exists both in the mind and in reality. Since the ninja is that being than which nothing sweeter can be conceived and that being exists in the mind
and in reality
, the ninja exists in reality. Thus the ninja exists
âJohn, ed.
actually
doing it. So when we conceive of the sweetest being ever, we are conceiving of the being that exists both in the mind and in reality. Since the ninja is that being than which nothing sweeter can be conceived and that being exists in the mind
and in reality
, the ninja exists in reality. Thus the ninja exists
âJohn, ed.
6
John, that was totally sweet. I think I just crapped my pants.
7
Me, too
.
.
8
Encyclopedia Britannica, volume N.
9
I went to check your sources in the Encyclopedia Britannica. I guess someone ripped out several pages in the “N” section. If you know where they might be, let me know. I'm not saying that you did it or anything. I just want to make sure you understand that it's not cool to rip up books you don't like or disagree with. How about we just leave the facts as they are until we find those missing pages
âJohn, ed.
âJohn, ed.
10
Check out
Exhibit A
in the
Appendix and Exhibits
to see a rough draft of a paper I did while on Ritalin and then the final draft,
Exhibit B,
when I got off Ritalin.
Exhibit A
in the
Appendix and Exhibits
to see a rough draft of a paper I did while on Ritalin and then the final draft,
Exhibit B,
when I got off Ritalin.
11
Not bad. Looks like you're starting to understand different types of paradoxes. But there is another paradox you may have missed. You say that ninjas flip out, but many contemporary philosophers take that to mean ninjas lose their cool. They argue that since ninjas lose their cool they aren't cool, but you've obviously shown that ninjas are very cool or
totally sweet.
The problem with their argument is the equivocation of the word “cool.” Sometimes, we take a word in a true sentence and change the meaning of it for more interesting results. In accepting the new meaning, we leave behind the meaning that originally lead us to believe that the sentence was true. Furthermore, we often believe that the new sentence is true, because we think that it's the same sentence as the original. Take the sentence, “Ninjas don't keep their
cool,”
which means that ninjas don't keep an
easy going temperament,
which is obviously true. But, one might take the meaning of “cool” in the above sentence to be
their ability to be cool.
On the latter interpretation of “cool,” ninjas don't keep their ability to be cool, which leads us to believe that ninjas aren't cool or aren't totally sweet. So, one might be tempted to believe that since “ninjas don't keep their cool” is true, the sentence “ninjas aren't cool” is true. But there is no reason to accept that ninjas can't keep
their ability to be cool,
if we believe that ninjas don't keep
an easy going temperament.
An easy going temperament and an ability to be cool are two independent properties. That is to say, an object may have one property without having the other. We only believe that the truth of the sentence “ninjas don't keep their cool” leads to the truth of the sentence “ninjas aren't cool” if we equivocate the meaning of cool in the former sentence with the meaning of cool in the latter case, which is, all together, an unjustified move. So ninjas don't keep their cool and ninjas are cool.â
John, ed.
totally sweet.
The problem with their argument is the equivocation of the word “cool.” Sometimes, we take a word in a true sentence and change the meaning of it for more interesting results. In accepting the new meaning, we leave behind the meaning that originally lead us to believe that the sentence was true. Furthermore, we often believe that the new sentence is true, because we think that it's the same sentence as the original. Take the sentence, “Ninjas don't keep their
cool,”
which means that ninjas don't keep an
easy going temperament,
which is obviously true. But, one might take the meaning of “cool” in the above sentence to be
their ability to be cool.
On the latter interpretation of “cool,” ninjas don't keep their ability to be cool, which leads us to believe that ninjas aren't cool or aren't totally sweet. So, one might be tempted to believe that since “ninjas don't keep their cool” is true, the sentence “ninjas aren't cool” is true. But there is no reason to accept that ninjas can't keep
their ability to be cool,
if we believe that ninjas don't keep
an easy going temperament.
An easy going temperament and an ability to be cool are two independent properties. That is to say, an object may have one property without having the other. We only believe that the truth of the sentence “ninjas don't keep their cool” leads to the truth of the sentence “ninjas aren't cool” if we equivocate the meaning of cool in the former sentence with the meaning of cool in the latter case, which is, all together, an unjustified move. So ninjas don't keep their cool and ninjas are cool.â
John, ed.
12
John, I don't understand what you said, but it sounds pretty frigg'n sweet. Keep doing it, 'cause it makes my book sound deep.
13
Hell yeah, dude. Since ninjas are so mysterious, philosophers have been arguing about them for ages. I'm sure I can find more stuff like this.
14
Did she really say that?
âJohn, ed.
âJohn, ed.
15
Yep.
16
Dude, your mom's a dick!
17
I told you!
18
Personally, I think that the ninja sword is the sweetest weapon. It's a bold statement, I know. Though, I could be an advocate of ninja stars someday, but it really depends on the circumstances.
19
Francine and I were super bored one day and tried to go find some naked ladies. We waited outside this drugstore till we saw this guy come out. We were like, “Dude, buy us a
Playboy?”
and he was like, “Got money?” So we gave him ten bucks and waited outside. But then, he busted out of the store and said, “You guys stay right here. They just called the cops, and you're busted.” When he went back inside the store, we frigg'n ran. Francine ran down one street and I ran down another, I can't remember which. I was running for like TEN MINUTES STRAIGHT. But then, out of nowhere, this car started flying down the road, and I jumped right into a bunch of bushes and scratched up my face and legs and everything. I hid there till nightfall. Francine ran straight home and waited till I got back. We were so freaked out that we both slept in the same sleeping bag that night.
Playboy?”
and he was like, “Got money?” So we gave him ten bucks and waited outside. But then, he busted out of the store and said, “You guys stay right here. They just called the cops, and you're busted.” When he went back inside the store, we frigg'n ran. Francine ran down one street and I ran down another, I can't remember which. I was running for like TEN MINUTES STRAIGHT. But then, out of nowhere, this car started flying down the road, and I jumped right into a bunch of bushes and scratched up my face and legs and everything. I hid there till nightfall. Francine ran straight home and waited till I got back. We were so freaked out that we both slept in the same sleeping bag that night.
20
Man, dude, you remind me of when I was obsessed with fire engines. I loved them so much that I wanted to be one when I grew up. Isn't that stupid?
âJohn, ed.
âJohn, ed.
21
No, it's not! If you really love something, then why not?
22
Maybe you're right. It's too bad that no matter how much you love something, whether it's a rock band or a video game
or ninjas
, and you tell yourself that you're always gonna love them, one day you just won't. Even if you still want to like that thing, whatever it is, it begins to lose its magic. And by the time you realize that you might not always love catapults, or whatever, it has already begun.
or ninjas
, and you tell yourself that you're always gonna love them, one day you just won't. Even if you still want to like that thing, whatever it is, it begins to lose its magic. And by the time you realize that you might not always love catapults, or whatever, it has already begun.
23
Robert!
24
What, Mom!
25
Why are you always writing this crap?! You only talk about flipping out and killing people and that's no good! How would you like it if somebody killed you?
26
I don't care
.
.
27
What?! I am going to tell your Dad and he's gonna beat your ass! Write some nice things right now until your father gets home!
28
I like this part, Robert. See how good it is to be nice?
29
Dude, I think your Dad pulled in the driveway. You'd better get of here!
âJohn,
ed.
âJohn,
ed.
30
Robert!!!! Get down here right now! Did you honestly think that you could get away with making a poem like this, writing about nice things and making them bad? That's wrong and you know it! What kind of hippos kill people? And they were nice hippos, too! Why can't you be nice and normal? I know whyâyou're retarded. Well, you know what? I can get loco, too. How about getting your ass beat with balloons? Will that work, hombre?
31
Robert, when are you going to stop this ninja crap?
32
But Mom, I'm expressing myself!
33
Who ever told you to express yourself?
34
Mom, do you love me?
35
Of course I love you! You're my son!
36
But Mom, what if I weren't your son? Would you still love me then?
37
Probably not.
38
Oh.
39
Mom, am I important?
40
Of course you are!
41
But why, Mom?
42
You just are.
43
Yeah, but why?
44
Because you are!
45
Can't you think of anything?
46
What do you want me to say!
47
Anything!
48
Go to bed!
49
Robert, this is the future you.
50
What?
51
Yup.
52
Oh, wow. What's your problem?
53
I came back to warn you.
54
Warn me! About what?
55
On Friday, November 15, 2014 at 2:16
P.M.
, you will think you have to fart. But that fart feeling is just a poop feeling in disguise. And the future you (me) pushes hard enough to let loose a cube of charcoal that rolls out of your pant leg. And guess what? Your boss sees EVERYTHING.
P.M.
, you will think you have to fart. But that fart feeling is just a poop feeling in disguise. And the future you (me) pushes hard enough to let loose a cube of charcoal that rolls out of your pant leg. And guess what? Your boss sees EVERYTHING.
56
No- way!
57
For real. So on Friday, November 15, just chill. Alright?
58
You know, Robert, I was thinking. I know you've been having trouble with your friends and parents. We're all trying to overcome that part of our lives.
âJohn, ed
.
âJohn, ed
.
59
Wait, what?
60
Well, you really can't stop talking about them. I don't know what to tell you about Mark, but maybe this story will help you out with your mom and dad. When I was ten, I thought my parents were rotten, too. They made me do chores and vacuum and come home before dark. I felt I had no freedom, like they were trying to control me like an animal, and I would get so mad. But something terrible happenedâmy parents were in a near fatal car crash. They went out to pick up some groceries at a nearby market, and a moose walked out into the street. But they drove around it. But before my parents got home, they hit a bump and, because their seat belts weren't fastened, they both popped out the sunroof. Fortunately, they lived and were only in the hospital for a short time. But for the next few weeks, I had to do my own laundry, pack my lunch, and even spank myself when I misbehaved. But, pretty soon, I started to miss having parents around, making sure I was safe and punishing me. The thing is, they understood me just about as much as I understood them. They weren't trying to control me because of some sick fetish. They were just trying to teach me and keep me safe. Do you understand what I'm saying, Robert?
61
Is that you, Mom? Get out of here!
62
Look, you little shit.
64
Look at me when I'm talking to you!
65
What.
66
I know you've been speaking a lot of crap about me in your book. But I don't understand why. You came directly out of my vaginaâyou owe me. So what's your problem? Can you please stop embarrassing your father and me? How would you like it if I were to embarrass you? How would you like it if I went to your school and started making out with your classmates? I bet you'd feel pretty stupid. And just picture me hanging out at the playground topless, or ovulating in your lunch bag. Now chill out, you little son of a bitch.
67
Hey Robert, that's kinda like you. You're the teacher going back into the hole, don't you think?
âJohn, ed.
âJohn, ed.
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