Reasons Mommy Drinks (32 page)

INGREDIENTS

A bottomless glass of fountain cola

NOTE

Free refills = a Mommy do.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Before you were born, mornings looked liked this:

And this is how mornings look now:

INGREDIENTS

A shot of espresso in a tall mug of regular-brewed coffee, with sugar to taste

NOTE

Pair with CoverGirl LashBlast waterproof mascara.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Once upon a time, going to a wedding without a plus one was as excruciating as
The Hangover: Part III
. But tonight, with you in tow, Mommy finds herself staring longingly at the Singles Table. She recalls with fondness an era when the evening’s biggest challenge would entail rejecting the advances of the groom’s socially awkward cousin. Tonight it’s all about keeping you quiet and ensuring your adorable outfit doesn’t fall victim to poo leakage, as the only backup attire in the diaper bag is a Onesie imprinted with “I only cry when ugly people hold me” in Comic Sans. Between investing in a “cocktail chic” outfit you’ll never wear again and padding her gift envelope with an extra Benjamin, this is turning out to be a very costly affair. Mommy used to take secret comfort in the fact that she would more than pay out her wedding-gift expenditure in Champagne consumption by the night’s end. But tonight she’ll be lucky if she manages to scarf down two bites of her rubber tofu steak (she ordered salmon), let alone participate in open-bar-fueled shenanigans on the dance floor, which always used to end with Daddy wearing his Hugo Boss tie around his head and screaming “Play Thunderstruck!” Besides, if she and Daddy don’t get you back to the hotel room by 8
PM
, it will be a contest between you and the bride to see who melts down first. Truthfully, once the cake is cut, Mommy’s more than ready to hit the sack after an evening spent whisking you outside every ten minutes and trying to restrain you from throwing macaroons into the mother of the bride’s decorative hat. If only Mommy and Daddy were the ones Hawaii bound tomorrow morning.

INGREDIENTS

1½ ounces vanilla vodka

½ ounce coconut rum

1½ ounces pineapple juice

½ ounce cranberry juice

INSTRUCTIONS

Chill a martini glass. Combine all the ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into the glass.

NOTE

Missed the wedding cake? Don’t despair. All the taste and zero mess. Just say yes!

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy firmly believes you are exhibiting early signs of genius and are destined to solve the world’s dependence on oil or win the
Jeopardy!
Tournament of Champions. The problem is other parents
also
feel that way about their own kids, even though clearly some of the graduating class from this reach-for-the-middle generation will be your future employees. Their behavior is a reflection of questionable child-rearing approaches, like the “let my kid do whatever while I check my stocks on my smartphone” method. Mommy passes judgment silently from the sidelines of the sandbox (or very vocally when she’s had wine with Daddy). Although socialization is key to your development, the following toddler types should be avoided whenever possible: