Reasons Mommy Drinks
Read Reasons Mommy Drinks Online
Authors: Lyranda Martin-Evans
REASONS MOMMY DRINKS
“The ultimate baby shower gift.”
—Author’s sister
“It’s the must-have for new Moms.”
—Paid PR person
“This book is destined to become an Emmy award–winning sitcom.”
—Authors’ agent
“Even new fathers will appreciate this book. Buy multiple copies!”
—Publisher
“I’m so glad I took my birth control this morning.”
—Single girl
Copyright © 2013 by Fiona + Lyranda Inc.
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Portions of this work first appeared on the authors’ blog
ReasonsMommyDrinks.com
.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Martin Evans, Lyranda.
Reasons mommy drinks / Lyranda Martin Evans and Fiona
Stevenson.
pages cm
1. Parenthood—Humor. 2. Child rearing—Humor. I. Stevenson, Fiona. II. Title.
PN6231.P2M345 2013
818′.602—dc23
2013017870
eISBN: 978-0-385-34930-7
Logo design and pacifier illustrations by Moira Stevenson
Layout art direction and stemware illustrations by Travis Cowdy
Cover design by Travis Cowdy
Cover photography by Vicky Lam
Author photograph by Gustavo Gonzalez
v3.1
This book is dedicated to our amazing children, who bring endless joy to our hearts. We truly didn’t know this kind of happiness was possible before you were born. When you read this book when you’re older, may you not seek immediate emancipation, knowing it in no way relates to your childhood. Now over to our lawyers for more on that:
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the authors’ imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons is entirely coincidental
.
See? That’s the law talking. You can’t argue with that. So no using this book as an excuse for teenage angst or as blackmail to get us to buy you a flying space car or whatever. By the way, we really hope all this legalese is inspiring you to consider a career in law (or business or medicine). Because as the Ancient Romans used to say,
Faber est quisque fortunae suae
. Translation: Don’t go into the arts.
INTRODUCTION
If you’re a new mother reading this, it’s probably 3
AM
and your nipples are bleeding. Welcome!
Even if you’ve been a parent for years or you’re toying with the idea of becoming one, we hope you enjoy this journey through the first eighteen months of new motherhood. It’s a beautiful baby story set to the soft musical notes of Sarah McLachlan, only the exact opposite. No one tells you that on some days you’re going to wonder,
What the hell have I done?
And then feel all guilty about wondering that. Then, five minutes later, all is bliss again because you see that first newborn smile. Which is gas, but it’s desperate times in those early days so take whatever moments you can get.
Creative liberties were taken—obviously the section about Grandma is a complete joke and in no way based in fact (
cough
)—and the drink recipes (while delicious!) should be enjoyed in moderation. You’re a mom now. You have to be the responsible one. You might as well toss your low-cut sequin halter because the days of flirting with the bartender to get your French martini on the house are over. But, good news: Being a mother is the Greatest Job in the World. We promise. It really, really is. Oh, there will still be days that make you want to pack it all in and go Thelma and Louise off a cliff, but those are also the days that yield the comedic gold. We hope you laugh along with us, covered in baby barf, and cherish every moment.
And by the way, chances are you rock as a mom. Even on the days you feel like you’re failing, you’re probably doing a stellar job. We all go through this. Let’s go through it together.
With the occasional after-the-kids-have-gone-to-bed cocktail.
Baby brain can make it hard for a mother to figure out what she needs. Cue this handy Pacifier Rating System, set on a scale from one to five for easy reference on how badly the cocktail accompanying each reason is needed.
Note
: The rating does not indicate the
number
of drinks needed, but rather how badly
a
drink is needed after baby’s bedtime. Mommy is not a hillbilly.
The drink may be required.
Or try using Sophie the Giraffe as a stress ball.
The drink is probably necessary, paired with carbs, chocolate, and threadbare sweatpants.
The drink is a must. Serve in the least crud-encrusted stemware or sippy cup on hand.
