Reasons Mommy Drinks (33 page)
Read Reasons Mommy Drinks Online
Authors: Lyranda Martin-Evans
INGREDIENTS
2 ounces gin
Splash of dry vermouth
Twist of lemon
INSTRUCTIONS
Chill a martini glass. Combine the gin and vermouth in a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into the glass. Garnish with a lemon twist. Drink in honor of your Perfect Angel, whom other parents are judging behind your back.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
Much like there are certain toddlers who should be avoided whenever possible, so are there red-flag Mommy types:
The Biter: Sleep deprivation has taken its toll on this caustic Mommy. Even comments about the weather are interpreted as a personal attack on her parenting method.
The Screamer: Can someone please anonymously send this woman a copy of
The Baby Whisperer
?
The Crier: “Being a parent is just (
sniff
) like so amazing, you know?”
The Suck: Her incessant whining about lack of sleep, financial woes, and laundry is sucking Mommy’s will to live. P.S.,
We’re all in the same boat!
The Bully: Regularly clad in a “Breast is Best” T-shirt, she gets her high off shoving Dr. Sears down other Mommies’ throats while shoving mini-quiches down hers.
The Show Mom: Constantly brags about her child’s walk-on role in local car dealership commercial. Always dissatisfied with head-shot photographers in this city. Has a British accent?
The Germ Harborer: Just gross.
The problem is, Mommy falls into at least three of these categories on any given day, depending on which way the hormonal winds happen to be blowing, which is probably why her in-box is no longer overflowing with playdate invitations.
INGREDIENTS
¾ ounce lemon juice
½ ounce grenadine
½ ounce simple syrup
Lemon-lime soda
Soda water
INSTRUCTIONS
Fill a glass with ice. Pour in the lemon juice, grenadine, and simple syrup. Top off with equal parts of lemon-lime soda and soda water.
NOTE
Socially acceptable to consume alone.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
Mommy and her girlfriends decide it’s time to pay tribute to their single days by delegating child care to the Daddies and painting the town red. Emails about logistics flood Mommy’s in-box for three weeks leading up to the event, but as the big night approaches the cancellations come rolling in. Friend 1 is “coming down with something” (read:
Dirty Dancing
is on TBS). Friend 2 is having a breakdown because nothing in her closet fits and fears she would just be a buzzkill (true). And Friend 3’s kid is projectile vomiting (again). The few left standing amp things up to compensate for the no-shows (“Let’s do Jägerbombs like it’s 2009!”). Owing to a lack of tolerance from their leave of absence from life, this results in drunken over-shares about marital sex (eew) and Moms Gone Wild antics like not immediately answering Daddy’s voice mail asking where the Cheetos are. Cut to 6
AM
. Getting up with you only four hours after Mommy rolled in is a painful reminder that things have changed since those estrogen-charged nights of years past, but the flurry of photo tags, hangover war stories, and “Has anyone seen my glasses?” texts that transpire over her phone in the hours that follow happily remind her that some things always stay the same.
INGREDIENTS
½ cup spinach
1 banana
½ cup soy milk
½ cup chopped ice
3 drops vitamin B
12
INSTRUCTIONS
Combine all the ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a tall glass. Consume immediately.
NOTE
Pairs well with a greasy breakfast prepared by Daddy.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
Mommy and Daddy are pasty, overworked, and painfully aware that your second birthday is fast approaching, at which time you will (
gasp!
) no longer fly free. Thus, it’s time to book a family vacation. The temptation to go somewhere exotic is immediately quashed because Mommy needs to be assured that the local hospital isn’t out of the back of a van and that the chief of surgery isn’t also the head bartender. Not to mention the food can’t give anyone dysentery—you’ve got enough coming out of your back end when you drink safe Brita-filtered water. So they do what everyone with kids does: go to Florida. Hooray for the continental United States, where there’s a Starbucks on every corner. Mommy books a family-friendly room that comes equipped with a Pack ’n Play, which unfortunately won’t fit in the bathroom. (It’s not like you’ll remember sleeping next to a toilet. Mommy just really wanted to shut the door!) The flight is a nightmare, the car rental “forgot” to include a car seat with the Ford Escape, and owing to absolutely no time change, you’re somehow completely thrown off your nap schedule for the entire week. Also, why did they choose a destination that requires sunscreen twenty-four hours a day and is nowhere near the ocean? Oh, because of Disney World, where dreams do come true. Or nightmares. After blowing the basement repair fund on this vacation, Mommy realizes the theme park is completely age inappropriate and Mickey scares the crap out of you. Literally. All over the Magic Kingdom. The only activity Mommy and Daddy can really enjoy is shopping the outlet malls, where they end up spending another small fortune on baby sunhats and Wetzel’s Pretzels. At the end of it all, Mommy needs a vacation from her vacation. At least, unlike vacations from her single days, this time she doesn’t fear she’s coming home with an STD.
