Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1) (34 page)

“Oh. My. Word. That was bloody
fantastic
! I was terrified at first, but wowee, when I relaxed…words fail me. Bloody helmet though…don’t know why I even bothered doing anything with my hair today.”

Jason removed his own helmet, and whilst still straddling the bike, he pulled her toward him. “Ah, but you have the sexiest head of helmet hair I think I’ve ever seen.” He leaned in and kissed her tenderly.

As always, the spike of desire heated her right down to the junction of her thighs as she became a jellified mess in his arms.

“You really enjoyed it then?”

Her smile was wide. “It was such a thrill! It felt amazing. I never expected to feel that way.”

He shrugged. “Well, I’d say I told you so, but I’m not that immature.”

She stuck her tongue out at him.

He chuckled. “Clearly the same can’t be said for you.”

****

Kissing Stevie had become Jason’s favourite pastime since arriving back in his version of hell again. The name he had applied to the city of London since leaving had stuck in his mind, but now that he was here, it wasn’t quite as hellish as he remembered. Perhaps that had something to do with him reconnecting with Dillon…or putting the horrific memories to rest. Or perhaps it was just the fact that Stevie was here. All that said, he still could never live here again. He would never hack it in the big sprawling metropolis now. He was used to breathing the clean Highland air and being surrounded by the vast open spaces back home.

He followed her along the main street that she was so keen to show him. He knew deep down that this would change nothing, that he would undoubtedly be returning to Scotland after the funeral and house clearance. But he went along with things and tried his best not to let sadness take over their day together.

After a short walk down a bustling main street, they arrived outside an old bookshop. Jason glanced up at the sign.
The Book Depository. Cool name. Wouldn’t it be funny if the owner was called Lee Harvey Oswald?

She turned to him. She had a gleam in her eyes that melted Jason’s heart. “Oh I just love this place. They have books dating back to before the First World War…probably even older than that actually. Come on in.” She pushed the door open and stepped inside. The little old bell above the door jingled as they stepped in and was greeted by the fusty smell of old books.

“Stevie, darling! Bloody lovely to see you! I thought you’d moved away. It’s been too bloody long!” A dashingly dressed man greeted Stevie with air kisses. His tweed jacket with elbow patches and his bow tie were perfectly befitting of the English Gent he appeared to be.

“Charles! It’s good to see you too. This is my good friend, Jason Reynolds. Jason this is Charles Oswald, the owner of this place.”

Jason couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. “Oswald? Cool. Nice place you got here.”

Charles blushed and patted his hair. “Why thank you, young man. Very nice of you to say so. That’s not a local accent is it? Where are you from?”

“Ah, well, I
am
originally from London, but I moved away quite a long time ago. I live in the Highlands now, so I guess I’ve picked up a little of the accent.”

“The Highlands, you say? Bloody hell. I’m thinking there must be something pretty bloody spectacular up there.”

Bloody hell this bloke says
bloody
a lot!
Jason bit his lip to stop from sniggering.

“Why do you say that, Charles?”

“Oh, a good friend and former employee of mine, Jim... You remember Jim, Stevie? The scruffy haired one… Oh, no offence, Mr. Reynolds.”

Jason smirked. “Oh, none taken.”

“Yes, well, Jim was originally from Scotland, but he studied at Oxford and stayed here with his wife. Got divorced…terrible mess…and moved up to a little place called Shieldaig a few years ago. He loves it there. Fresh air…open spaces. He runs a little campsite and shop now. Sounds like a bloody idyllic life to me. His girlfriend, who was from London too, moved to be with him not so long ago. I think I’d jump at the bloody chance too if it wasn’t for the business. I’ve visited and it really is stunning. Very tranquil and so picturesque.” He made a dramatic flourish with his hands.

Jason looked over at Stevie and raised his eyebrows as if to say
I told you so
. “Sounds to me like your friend has good taste, Charles.” He spoke without taking his eyes away from Stevie’s.

Her cheeks flushed and she looked away. “Are we okay to have a browse, Charles? Jason is more of a rugged outdoorsy type, but I’m determined to get him into paperbacks too.” Jason knew she was changing the subject deliberately. He feigned hurt at her comments about his reading habits and poked her in the ribs, gaining an elbow in his own in return.

“Absolutely, darling. Go ahead. Give me a shout if you need anything.” The telephone began to ring, and Charles excused himself and went to answer it.

They spent a long while thumbing through the books, and Jason bought a couple to prove a point to her that he wasn’t a complete philistine. He had stood and watched her perusing for a while, loving how her mouth moved as she read to herself.
That beautiful mouth
. She glanced up and caught him watching her, but he just smiled and watched as the pink hue rose from her neck to her cheeks.
She’s just so bloody cute. Whoops. Spent a bit too long in the presence of this shop’s owner!

After looking around the Aladdin’s cave of a bookshop, Stevie insisted they go to a small coffee shop just along the road, claiming it was the best coffee she had
ever
tasted. They sat at a table in the window where they could look out over the busy street and do a little bit of people watching. Shoppers sauntered by carrying colourful bags, wearing summer clothes and wide smiles. It seemed like quite a chilled out location, nothing like the London he remembered. Central London was no doubt
exactly
as he remembered it. Frantic people in business suits without a single conversation in them, keeping their heads down as they made their way along the hectic streets. Cars and taxi’s whizzing by, horns blearing, people shouting, fumes from myriad different vehicles, and people suffering road rage. A positively stress-inducing atmosphere. No, here was different. Calm. Serene in a way.

But it wasn’t home.

He devoured a huge slab of carrot cake with cream cheese frosting as she sipped her latte from a tall glass. Closing his eyes, he savoured the sweet, melt-in-the-mouth texture. When he opened them, he handed a fork full to her.

She closed her mouth around the fork. “Hmmm.” The noise she made had him twitching in his leathers. He looked up at her to find her watching him again. “You see…
this
London is not at all like the London you envisaged is it?” She cocked her head to one side.

“No, quite right. The shops are far more quirky around here, and the bookshop was a real gem. I’ve enjoyed today…thank you.”

“But?”

Jason frowned. “What do you mean?”

She pursed her lips for a moment. “It sounded like you were going to say
but
and follow it with something negative.”

“No, not at all. It’s just.” He placed his fork down. “I don’t know…I miss home…
my
home up north.”

Her eyes took on a tinge of sadness. “But you once looked on London as your home.”

“Not really…if I’m honest. When I talked about being lost it applied to me being here too. I was misplaced here. I never felt at home. Not in the true sense of the word.”

“You travelled a lot when you left though, so how do you know what
home
really is?”

He thought for a moment. “That’s just it. I think I discovered what home
is
by first finding out what it
isn’t
.”

She shook her head, and her forehead creased at his cryptic response. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that… Well, everyone usually thinks of home as where they grew up, but that wasn’t the case for me. I’m sure you can understand why. And then I thought that being in the army would mean I found my home abroad maybe…or maybe being on the move all the time would feel right. Maybe I didn’t need a base as such. But when it came down to it, I missed being in
one place
. So the security job gave me that for a while. Warm weather, sunshine, etc…but even then I didn’t feel at home. When I settled in Scotland things just clicked…for the most part.” He shrugged.

She leaned forward. “Only for the most part?”

Jason dropped his gaze to where his fingertips played in a pool of sugar granules on the table. “Yeah, it seems I lost something else when I left all those years ago…along with my sense of home. I…I left my heart behind too.”

She snorted. “Good grief, Jason…can I have some crackers to go with all the cheese?”

Sadness overtook him at her reaction, but it was clear from the blush in her cheeks and the water in her eyes as they looked anywhere but at him that she didn’t
really
feel that way. What he’d said had hit a nerve and self-preservation mode had kicked in.

He leaned forward and looked into her eyes. “Stevie, I left my heart because, as I said to you up in Scotland,
you
still had it. I thought I could leave you behind and forget. I’m not sure who I was trying to kid. I was delusional to think I’d ever get over you. And seeing you again made me realise and admit to myself that I hadn’t forgotten at all. All I’d done was push the feelings I had into a little box on a shelf in the deepest recesses of my mind.”

She fiddled with the long stemmed spoon on her saucer. “Oh.”

“Seeing you again made me open that box and dare to peer inside. And what I saw terrified me.”

“In what way?”

“Because from day one of you turning up at the camp I’ve known…I’ve known that we should be together. We should have
always
been together and I ruined that. And now…now you won’t or can’t give me a second chance.” He dropped his gaze back to the swirls of sugar on the table.

“It’s not as simple as that. And it’s not because I don’t care. You have to understand that I have a life
here
. I simply can’t just uproot myself. What would I do if things didn’t work out? If you got scared and ran again? I’d be alone up there. I would have moved hundreds of miles away from everything I know and love for
you
. But what would I have for
me
?”

He gazed up at her once again. “But you know my reasons for leaving now. That wouldn't happen again. And you could get a job, you’d make friends.”

“All on
your
terms. I’ve made bad decisions before, Jason. I married Miles because
he
wanted me to. It didn’t work out. I can’t repeat the same mistake again.”

He leaned forward. “But who’s to say it’d be a mistake? You set off on something like this with a negative attitude and you’re dooming it to fail. I just don’t get why we can’t try.
I want to try
.”

She sighed heavily and slumped in her seat. “I’ve witnessed first-hand what long distance does to people—”

“But I’m not Jed. I know what he did to your mum. I wouldn’t do that.”

“You say that now…just like he did. I…I’m sorry but I can’t look beyond here and now, Jason. I can’t.”

“You mean you won’t.”

She heaved a long sigh. “Okay, you’re right. I
won’t
. I don’t
want
to do that to us. I don’t want to sit at home spending my time wondering what you’re doing and who you’re with…or if you’re still as interested in me when I’m hundreds of miles away and can’t touch you or talk to you face to face. Phone calls are not the same. We both have needs that can’t be met by someone who’s so far away. And I don’t just mean sex.”

“So, we really are at an impasse then.”

A sad determination appeared in her beautiful blue eyes. “No, Jason. We have to accept this for what it is. At the end of it we
have
to move on. I’ve never lied to you. I’ve been honest about this from the start. Your business is up in Scotland and my job is here. Neither of us can afford the time or money to trek up and down the country all the time. I’m…I’m just trying to be realistic.”

He laughed humourlessly and shook his head. “Are we both just too stubborn?”

“No, we’re both making sure we have what we need to get by in life.”

He listened to her words as his chest ached. They really had reached an impasse, despite her unwillingness to admit it. He was willing to try but she wasn’t. Nothing else could be done.