Rebecca's Heart (17 page)

Only one thing had undeniably changed. Samuel would never be with them again.

Beside her, Michaela worked on rolling out a piecrust, seeming to know instinctively that Rebecca needed the quiet. Her stepmother may not have given birth to Samuel, but the love she had for him was clear in her eyes. It mirrored that of her father’s and the rest of Samuel’s siblings. A part of all of them was gone.

“I still can’t believe what happened,” Rebecca said, breaking the silence between them.

“None of us can, dear.”

Feeling restless, Rebecca paced to the window and looked out over the familiar landscape where summer was now giving way to autumn and its golden woodlands. They’d buried Samuel beside her mother’s grave in a quiet ceremony yesterday, and with him she’d buried a part of her heart. Even knowing she’d see him again in heaven did little to ease the ache in her heart.

“How could Samuel have done something so foolish? He’d just written me with plans to go ice skating together this Christmas, and he was going to introduce me to Mattie.” Leaning against the counter, Rebecca folded her arms across her chest and tried to blink back the tears. “Instead I met her at his funeral.”

“She’s such a sweet girl.” Michaela wiped her flour-dusted hands on her apron. “I hope you get a chance to spend some time with her while you’re home. This has been rough on her, as well.”

Throughout the train ride to Cranton and during the following nights in her room, Rebecca had searched the Bible for scriptures that spoke of God as her strength and of clinging to her faith no matter what was happening around her.
Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering (for he is faithful that promised) … Be ye steadfast, unmovable … Blessed is the man that endureth … Be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might…
.

She’d played them over and over in her mind, longing to find that measure of peace that comes only from Christ.
I’m trying, Lord, but there is still so much I don’t understand
.

Luke had asked her many of the same questions she was asking now. He wanted to know why God had allowed the
Liberty
to go down, saving some and letting others die. She wanted to know the same things concerning her brother.

“Why does God allow things like this to happen? Samuel was taken while a killer lives.” Rebecca’s hands balled into fists at her sides. “How can murder be part of His will?”

“Sin is never part of God’s perfect will.” Michaela built the pie dough up around the rim of the pan then began pleating the edge into scallops, her face tense with emotion. “I’ll never forget the night I lost Ethen and Leah. For weeks I couldn’t believe they were gone. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I asked God that very same question. It was one of the hardest things I ever lived through.

“But the Bible says that death’s sting has been defeated by the amazing love of Jesus, who conquered it through His own death on the cross. I finally came to realize they were resting in the everlasting arms of our merciful Savior, something far better than life here on earth could ever be.”

Rebecca retraced her steps across the kitchen to finish kneading the bread dough. “Knowing Samuel’s in heaven doesn’t take away the emptiness of not having him here with us … or the questions.”

Michaela stopped pouring the prepared Marlborough pudding into the piecrust and turned to Rebecca. “What questions?”

“Questions of God’s will for our lives. When I heard that Luke’s ship went down at sea, I knew I’d lost him, but for some reason God saved him.” Pounding her fist into the elastic dough one last time, she set it into a bowl then placed a cloth over it. “Why did God choose to save Luke but not Samuel?”

“I don’t think that’s a question anyone can answer,” Michaela said. “The truth is, death is not something any of us can avoid. What we have to remember is that God has already conquered death, and we don’t have to fear it. For the believer it’s just a pause until we see each other again.”

Rebecca placed her hands on her heart. “But it still hurts.”

“I know.” Michaela bridged the short distance between them and gathered Rebecca into her arms. “I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.”

After a moment Michaela pulled back but kept her hands on Rebecca’s shoulders. “It took a long time before I could freely let go of Ethen and Leah. Finally I realized the truth that they now sit enwrapped in peace and happiness at the feet of Jesus instead of in our temporary world of pain and struggles. They’ve seen the glory of God. And so has Samuel.”

“It is an incredible thought, isn’t it?” Rebecca wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. “I want to follow in His will, but even though I know heaven is a reality, it is still hard to imagine.”

“That’s because God’s plans are always higher than our own. And it’s only in following Him with all our heart that we can learn to discern what His will for our lives is.”

“But how can I know for sure?” Rebecca gnawed on her lip, trying to formulate what she wanted to ask. “Like with Luke, for instance. I thought everything was so clear, but Samuel’s death has brought up questions concerning my relationship with Luke. At times I’m just not sure what God wants from me.”

“You knew you had to end things with Jake, didn’t you? Maybe not as soon as you would have liked to have known, but I have no doubt God was the one who stepped in and intervened in your life.”

“I’m not sure Jake would agree with that.” Despite the somber subject, Rebecca let out a soft laugh.

“I spoke with his father not too long ago. Jake’s doing well. He’s living in Oregon, where he’s a foreman of a ranch. And he’s met someone….”

“It’s all right. I’m glad. I want the best for him.”

“And God wants the best for you, Rebecca. If Luke is the one, you’ll know. Trust Him.”

Luke forced himself to make the final two strokes through the water then pulled himself out of the pool.

Peter Watkins threw Luke a towel. “She must be some girl.”

“What do you mean?” Water dripped from his hair as he mopped the droplets off his face and regarded his friend out of the corner of his eye.

“You beat your record from last week.”

“It’s not enough, though. My upper body might be gaining strength, but the rest of me has a long way to go.”

“Don’t worry—it’ll happen. Come on.”

Luke frowned. “Haven’t you pushed me enough today?”

“Remember, champ—today you’re taking your first step.”

Peter helped him to a pair of wooden parallel bars then waited beside him as Luke struggled to find his balance. Standing there, his arms supporting his weight, he tried to remind himself why he’d been pushing himself so hard the past two and a half weeks. He could still see Rebecca clearly when he closed his eyes, and at night she floated through his dreams. The tilt of her mouth when she smiled, the soft cadence of her laugh …

But he had seen the look of hesitation in Rebecca’s eyes as she’d kissed him that final time before leaving on the train for Cranton. So far she’d sent him two letters full of news about what was happening in the small town and with her family, but she’d written little regarding her feelings for him. It wasn’t as if he doubted her love. No, it was something else. Something he’d seen in her expression that he couldn’t put a name to or understand. Though he longed for her to confide in him, he had the feeling it was a personal matter she had to work out on her own. All he could do at this point was wait—and pray.

He’d promised her he’d be here for her when she returned, but he wanted to do more than that. As soon as he got his strength back and was able to walk, he was leaving for Cranton to be with her. The thought was like a bolt of energy shooting through him, and he willed his mind to focus on the task at hand.

Slowly he worked to ease the weight of his body evenly onto both of his legs.

“One step at a time, Luke. That’s all you have to think about.”

It was as if Rebecca herself had spoken the words. Ignoring the dull ache that spread through the limb, he focused on the mechanics of moving his leg. He set it down in front of him, and as he gritted his teeth from the pressure of his weight, Luke took his first step.

fifteen

Rebecca played the mellow chords from one of Mozart’s pieces then stopped as the ivory keys began to blur. Even music didn’t bring her the joy it had when she first learned to play. But how could it when her heart was miles away from her parents’ farmhouse? She missed Luke.

The last time she’d heard from him had been almost five weeks ago. He’d been struggling to gain his strength back. Now yet another week had passed without a letter. She ran the back of her thumb down the keys then pounded out a dissonant chord. A lone tear made its way down her cheek, and she wiped it away with the palm of her hand.

Trying to hold back the flow of tears, she pulled her lacy shawl closer around her shoulders and stepped outside. Winter had already begun to settle into the valley. The red, yellow, and orange leaves that had burst into color during the month of October had all but vanished from the woodlands. In their place were patches of white from last week’s snowstorm.

She leaned against the wooden rail of the porch. In the distance Sarah and Anna hurried along the path toward the barn, swinging their metal buckets beside them. Their laughter, ringing through the cool evening air, brought a slight smile to Rebecca’s lips. Familiar images like this helped to keep a degree of normality in her life. So much had changed since that night Aunt Clara told her Samuel had been killed. So many things she wished she could go back and change.

But life didn’t work that way.

She’d stayed in Cranton partly for her own need to be with her family, but also because of Adam. Her younger brother had witnessed the last seconds of Samuel’s life and still struggled to let go of the guilt over the fact that he hadn’t been able to stop the tragic event. Maybe he never would completely forget that fateful moment when Samuel’s life was taken, but if she could help his heart and mind to mend, she’d stay as long as she was needed.

Drawing in a deep breath, she shivered under her light wrap. Before long the sun would drop below the horizon, leaving brilliant streaks of pink and gold behind. Then night would settle into the valley, wrapping a blanket of darkness across the rambling farmlands and forests. After Samuel’s death nighttime had brought with it a myriad of doubts, reminders of her ongoing search for God’s will and the occasional uncertainties about her relationship with Luke.

For the first time in months, though, her doubts toward God were beginning to dissipate. She’d taken Michaela’s advice to heart. How could she follow God with all her heart if she didn’t really know Him? His ways were higher than her own, and the more she tried to learn those ways, the hungrier she’d become to know His Word better and experience a deeper sense of His presence in her life.

The front door slammed shut, and Rebecca turned to see her father stroll across the porch toward her. Except for a slight graying around his temples, he’d aged little in the past few years. She was sure it was because of his marriage to Michaela. Love seemed to keep him young.

“I was enjoying your playing.” He bent over and kissed the top of her head. “Up until the last chord, that is.”

“Very funny.”

Rebecca drew her arms around her father’s waist and laid her head against his shoulder, wishing she were a little girl again. As a child nothing had really mattered, because her father had always been able to make everything right. It didn’t seem quite so easy anymore. Spilled milk was much easier to mop up than a broken heart was to mend.

Her father rubbed the back of her head with his hand. “You miss him, don’t you?”

“Samuel?”

“Actually, I was thinking about Luke.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “I know we all still miss Samuel. Always will for that matter.”

“It still hurts.” Rebecca frowned. “There’s a hole in my heart that will never be filled.”

“I know. I feel it, as well. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I’ve forgotten he’s not here anymore. Then it all hits me that he’s never coming back.”

“At least I’m not blaming God for Samuel’s death anymore.”

Her gaze drifted across the snow-laden landscape to where the lacy boughs of the elm trees stood in all of winter’s glory. The flowers had faded away with promises to return in the spring. God had created this world full of beauty and goodness. It was man who had corrupted it with evil.

“What about Luke? You haven’t spoken of him lately.”

Rebecca nudged her father with her elbow. “You’re persistent, aren’t you?”

He squeezed her shoulder. “When it comes to my children, am.”

She wished she knew how to put her feelings into words.

She had no doubt that the stress of the past few weeks had altered her sensibility. “I haven’t heard from him for weeks.”

“There could be a number of explanations. Recovering from an accident isn’t easy.” He smiled. “Besides, I don’t know a man alive who would win a blue ribbon for letter writing.”

Her father’s positive outlook did little to change her somber mood. She’d tried to justify Luke’s lack of communication without avail; yet there had to be an explanation. “If nothing else, he could dictate a letter to his mother or send me a telegram.”