Rebecca's Heart (9 page)

He’d known she couldn’t make that kind of promise, and he wouldn’t ask it of her. “Just know that if the circumstances had been different or if the timing of things would have been different—”

“I know.”

He watched as she stood to leave and caught the glisten of tears against her dark lashes. What a fool he had been. He’d never meant to hurt her. If only he’d kept silent, then maybe the pain of his leaving would have been lessened. Without knowing how he felt, surely she would have quickly forgotten him.

“I’m sorry, Rebecca.”

“So am I.”

His hands balled into tight fists at his sides. Was it really God’s will for him to lose her forever? With one last fleeting look, she hurried into the house—and out of his life.

seven

It had been only three days, and Luke already missed Rebecca. He missed her bright smile and their stimulating conversations. Missed the sparkle in her eyes when she looked at him. She’d cared for him, and in turn he’d broken her heart. If only he could make her understand that he’d never intended to hurt her. That he’d never intended to come to care for her. But he did care for her, and now he was faced with the knowledge that he’d lost her forever.

Still, he wanted to see her, even if it was only for one last time. But was it worth the pain it would inflict on both of them? He knew the wisest thing for him to do was to set sail on that whaling vessel without ever seeing her again.

His shoes clicked against the hardwood floors as he strode down the hallway of his mother’s home. The overcast sky created morning shadows that merged into the cream-colored walls, causing the darkened corridor to echo the gloom in his heart. Finding his mother writing letters in the parlor, he first glanced at the Baltimore clock that had characteristically stopped.

“What time is it, Mother?”

“Eight thirty,” she said, glancing at the jeweled watch pinned to her dress. “I’m expecting Rebecca any minute now. She’s coming with fabric samples for my bedroom. She’s done such a fine job in here.”

“I’m glad she’s helping you, but I can’t stay. I’m on my way out.”

He reached down and kissed her on the cheek, wanting to escape not only a possible confrontation with Rebecca, but the constant reminders of the parlor as well. Like an artist she’d managed to brighten the room with her sense of style and color. But he barely saw the intricate details of the room. He just saw Rebecca.

“Don’t forget to mail your letters,” he said, turning to leave. More than once he’d found a pile of his mother’s unsent letters. Attention to detail was not her forte.

“You’re avoiding her.” His mother dipped her pen into an ink bottle and signed her name in elegant pen strokes to the bottom of the letter she’d been writing.

“I’m not avoiding her. I’m just …”
Just what?
He shook his head, realizing that in trying to avoid her, he was trying to avoid his own guilt. Nothing he could say or do, though, could take back the events that had transpired the night of his mother’s party. “Could we please not talk about this right now?”

The narrowing of her eyes made him feel like a schoolboy who’d been chastised for stealing a handful of penny candy. “It was no way to treat a lady, you know. Leading her on with no intentions of furthering your relationship.”

“That was never my objective, Mother, and you know it.”

“Maybe not, but how do you think she views the situation?” She smoothed out the silky folds of her blue morning dress. “You visit her numerous times at the shop with an obvious hidden agenda and then bring her flowers. She couldn’t help but interpret your actions as interest in her. Then without warning she finds out you’re leaving, and in a most unscrupulous way, I might add.”

Luke let out a long sigh. Reviewing the facts did nothing to relieve his guilt. “Then what do you propose I do? I have no doubt that at this point she wants nothing more to do with me.”

“Why don’t you invite her to tomorrow’s baseball game?”

“What?” Surely his mother was losing her mind. How could she, in good conscience, even suggest he do such a thing after all that had transpired between the two of them?

“We’ll invite her aunt and uncle and make an enjoyable time of it.”

Luke leaned his palms against the top of his mother’s secretary. “And why would she agree to something like that?”

“Why wouldn’t she? If nothing else, the two of you can work things out so that when you leave you won’t have this vast barrier between you.”

He ran his fingers across the smooth grain of the wood and shook his head. “What has come between us can’t be erased with one afternoon at a ballpark. Besides, by the time I get back from the voyage, she’ll more than likely be married with a couple of kids in tow.”

“You don’t know that. Rebecca’s a fine woman, and you’d do well to mend the situation between the two of you. She has more passion and integrity than the majority of those empty-headed girls who are always chasing after you.”

Luke squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, trying to grasp what his mother was implying. “Is that what you think? That I can somehow make things right between us and she’ll change her mind about me? She won’t wait for me, Mother. She’s already made that quite clear.”

“Your father and I—”

“I’m not my father.” He struck his hands against the table. “Can’t you see that? You expect me to live out my life the way the two of you had planned, but—”

The front door slammed shut, and he looked up to see Rebecca walk through the doorway of the parlor. His stomach churned as he drank in her beauty. She wore her hair in its normal fashion, parted in the center and secured at the nape of her neck. Her short, curly bangs framed her face and gave it a gentle softness. He had no doubt that the image of her dark brown eyes and heart-shaped face would remain etched in his memory. The same way it haunted his dreams at night.

“The housekeeper let me in. I hope you don’t mind,” Rebecca said.

“Not at all. I’m glad you’re here.” Luke’s mother picked up a stack of lavender-scented sheets of paper and slipped them into the top drawer. “We were just speaking about you.”

“Really?” She smiled at Mrs. Hutton but avoided Luke’s gaze. Her hesitation at seeing him at home was obvious.

“We were wondering if you, along with Ben and Clara of course, would like to spend part of tomorrow with us watching the Boston Beaneaters play.”

“Oh?” Rebecca’s eyes widened at the suggestion. “You like baseball, Mrs. Hutton?”

His mother’s laugh was light and playful as if she didn’t feel an ounce of the tension that hung between them. “Surprised that a society woman involved primarily in charity work would enjoy such a sport?”

“Well, no, but—”

“I’ve found it to be a pleasant distraction from time to time.”

“Really?”

Confusion marked Rebecca’s face, and he couldn’t help but wonder if it was due to his mother’s invitation or the fact that he would be there.

“Say you’ll come. This will be a splendid occasion for all of us.”

His heart felt as if it were about to be torn in pieces. If she agreed, it would mean that much more time he could spend with her, something he longed for desperately. But any time they spent together would make it that much harder to leave her. Could it give him a chance to make things right between them? He knew she wouldn’t change her mind and wait for him. Especially after he’d foolishly waited too long to tell her the truth. But if he could be assured of her forgiveness, he wouldn’t leave with the mountain of guilt that threatened to consume him.

Surely there’s a way for us to be together, Lord
.

Instead of a measure of reassurance for the impossible, the physical emptiness inside engulfed him like a tidal wave. The crew of a vessel always faced the threat of lost lives in the midst of a storm, but as far as he was concerned, he’d already lost his heart.

Rebecca adjusted the tilt of her wide-brimmed hat to block out the sun. She’d been surprised at the invitation and even more surprised that Luke had gone along with the request. After what he’d done to her, surely he had more sense than to think she would want to go anywhere with him. Hadn’t he hurt her enough? But because it was Mrs. Hutton who’d asked, she’d agreed, not knowing how to reject the invitation politely.

Luke was obviously behind the idea, but she wasn’t sure why he wanted to spend time with her. Hadn’t she made it perfectly clear she had no intentions of waiting for him? Sitting on the row of bleachers that had been built for the spectators, she tried to focus on the grassy field and not the fact that Luke was sitting beside her. It wasn’t as if the thought of his leaving didn’t pain her. Far from it, but she knew he was someone she needed to forget. If only part of her didn’t long to confess that her feelings toward him matched his own toward her.

No matter how much she wished things were different, she knew she couldn’t wait for him. If he would decide to stay, they might have a chance of finding out what the future held, but she knew that would never happen either. Too much could change in three years, and they still had a great deal to learn about each other. It was better to say their good-byes and end things before it got any harder.

“This is the Beaneaters’ seventy-sixth game,” Luke said, turning toward her.

“Pardon?” Drawn out of her contemplation, Rebecca stole a glance at him.

“The Beaneaters,” he repeated. “It’s the seventy-sixth game of this year’s season.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. My mind must have been elsewhere.”

While Aunt Clara chatted away with Mrs. Hutton and Uncle Ben dozed in the warm sun, no one seemed to notice the discomfort she felt with the situation. In fact, seating her and Luke next to each other seemed more like a matchmaking strategy.

Trying to return her focus to the events at hand, she watched as the Boston Beaneaters made their way out onto the South End Grounds. With their red stockings and padded gloves, they lined up in front of a lively crowd of spectators who stood to root for their home team. The opposing team, the Cleveland Blues, received a far less warm welcome.

“Is this your first game?” Luke asked.

“For the National League, yes.”

Rebecca chewed on her bottom lip. She hated the awkwardness that had come between them. She wanted so much to forget Luke, but how could she when he sat mere inches from her?

“I assume you’ve watched a few of the local games in Cranton?”

“Watched? I’ve played dozens of those country games with my father and brothers.”

“You’ve heard of the women’s teams, haven’t you, like the Philadelphia Blue Stockings?”

Playing on her father’s farm after a church social was one thing. Parading around the country for the sport was another matter altogether. “I’ve heard that women’s teams have stirred up a good bit of controversy in the past few years, even to the point that they were once labeled a dreadful demonstration of impropriety.”

“And do you agree with that statement?”

At first she thought he was mocking her with his question, but with one glance she knew he wasn’t. Instead he appeared genuinely interested in her opinion. And he wasn’t the kind of man who would berate women and their roles in society no matter which side of the issue she stood on.

She flashed him a slight grin. “It should suffice to say that you’ll never find me being paid to run around a grassy field.”

As Luke chuckled in response, the Beaneaters scored another run. With Luke’s attention back on the game, she let her gaze linger on his clean-shaven face. While many men wore moustaches and beards or even drooping moustaches without beards, she rather preferred the trim look. It made him look like quite the distinguished gentleman.

As the crowd settled down, he turned back to her. “May I get you something to eat from the concession stand?”

She shook her head. “I’m fine, thank you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.” The concern on his face seemed to stem from something far weightier than wondering if she needed something to eat. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I … because I never had the chance to apologize properly for what happened at my mother’s party.”

“You don’t have to—”

“Yes, I do. Even my mother thinks I’m a cad.”

In spite of the severity of his expression, she wanted to laugh at the term. He might have displayed a lack of good judgment regarding that particular situation, but he was certainly not without gentlemanly instincts. “You never acted improperly or said anything that suggested you were interested in me.”

“Nevertheless, the implications were there, and I can’t stand the thought of my leaving with this hanging between us.”

She glanced at the rest of their party, thankful none of them appeared to be listening to their conversation. “Of course I forgive you.”

Smiling, she turned back to the game. Luke Hutton was like no man she’d ever met. He certainly wasn’t perfect; his omission in their conversations of his upcoming voyage was proof of that. But she could also see his strengths in the fact that he wanted desperately to make things right between them. And something told her his need for her to forgive him held no ulterior motives. He might still wish she would agree to wait for him, but even more important he wanted to do the right thing.