Rebecca's Rose (34 page)

Of course he did. That was exactly what Levi would have done. Wouldn’t have worried about the trouble he was in, wouldn’t have tried to save his own skin, just would have seen what needed to be done and did it. If she had searched her heart earlier, she could have guessed the story before Vernon even told it. Rebecca couldn’t speak.

Vernon squeezed her hand. “When Dottie Mae died, our hearts were broken. But God has a plan for everyone. I must trust in that plan. God chose to take my daughter. We must not punish Levi for that.”

Emotions washed over Rebecca like waves on a beach. At first she resisted what they were telling her, but then she gave in and listened.

She had forgiven Levi a long time ago.

The realization didn’t make her feel better.

She loved him.

She didn’t merely love him. She breathed him in and out with every heartbeat.

And he would break her heart over and over again if she didn’t guard it.

Rebecca’s heart shattered into a million pieces that day on the slopes because she finally crashed against the truth that she had given her heart completely to Levi, and she felt as weak as a kitten because she loved him too much. When she found out about his connection to Dottie Mae, she resolved to never put her full faith in anybody ever again. The consequences proved intensely painful.

Not trusting her voice to remain steady, Rebecca nodded to Dottie Mae’s dat. More than anything in the world, she wanted to be alone. Could she slip out of the house without being noticed? She patted Vernon’s hand and tiptoed down the stairs to the family room full of young people. Marvin saw her from across the room and motioned for her to sit by him. She shook her head slightly and ducked into the kitchen. Rebecca tiptoed down the back hall, through the mudroom, and out the back door. Linda could drive the buggy home.

Wrapping her arms tightly around herself against the cold, she trudged up the muddy lane to the main road. The horses, standing patiently with their buggies, twitched their ears as they watched her pass.

The dirt-packed road made for easier travel. Rebecca had always been a fast walker. The Wengerds’ house was soon several hundred yards behind her.

Footfalls on the gravel told her someone sprinted to catch up. She knew who it was even before she heard her name. She quickened her pace.

“Rebecca!”

Reluctantly, Rebecca turned around. Levi jogged the rest of the distance between them, his muscular body especially graceful when he ran. His cheeks and nose were red and he panted for air, but he had that dazzling smile on his face that always stabbed through her heart. Why did she have to love him so?

“You forgot your coat,” he said, first holding it out to her and then helping her into it. Even the slightest touch from his hand seemed to leave an impression on her skin.

“Denki,” she said.

He slowly pulled his hands from her shoulders and cleared his throat. “I’m starting to get a complex. I walk into a room, and you walk out. You’re not avoiding me, are you, kid?”

“You should know me well enough by now, Bucky. Jah, I am avoiding you.”

“Bucky. Like the beaver. My teeth aren’t that bad.”

She loved the sound of his laugh.

Refusing to be taken in by his charm, she opted for a quick dismissal. “Good-bye, Levi.”

He smiled sadly. “Please, don’t leave. You go to so few gatherings. I’ll go so you can stay.”

“No need. I have to get to some chores.”

“I thought maybe enough time had passed. I hoped you’d be able to tolerate my presence.”

“You can join every youth group in Apple Lake, for all I care,” she said. “It doesn’t matter to me.”

“But it does matter. A lot. I want to give you all the time you need.”

“I do not need more time,” she countered. “I forgive you for Dottie Mae. You don’t need to keep asking and wondering. It’s done.” Her voice sounded harsh, even to herself.

He searched her face. “I believe you. You have too good a heart to punish me forever.”

“What do you know of my heart?”

“I know that you are suffering terribly. I know that Marvin doesn’t understand you well enough to see it.”

“How can Marvin see what isn’t there?”

“The suffering is all my fault. I want to make it better.”

“Don’t feel obligated to do anything for me. You owe me nothing.”

He came closer and gently stroked her arms. She wasn’t sure why she didn’t pull away. His voice caressed her with its tenderness. “I used to think that water and heights frightened you. Now I know the only thing you are truly, truly afraid of is love.”

“I’m not afraid. I’m realistic. Love makes people vulnerable.”

The intensity of his gaze held her hostage. “You don’t know how much I regret all the hurt I ever caused you.”

“That’s what happens when you love somebody. They rip your heart out and throw it on the sidewalk. Sometimes they don’t even mean to. They get sick or die or ignore you, but the result is still the same.”

Levi nodded, too eager. “So you admit you love me.”

“No, I am saying that’s what would happen if I let myself love you.”

“You love me, Rebecca. Why won’t you say it?”

“Because I never want to feel so terrible again.”

“I promise I will never give you reason. I will make you so happy, you won’t even notice bad weather.”

“What happens to me next week or next year when you decide you are tired of the Plain life?”

“That won’t happen.” He lowered his eyes. “Not if you share it with me. Any relationship worth having or caring deeply about has ups and downs, like a roller coaster.”

“I hate roller coasters.”

“Bad analogy.” In frustration, he released her arms, placed his hands on the nearest post, and gazed out at the Wengerds’ orchard beyond the fence. “So you’ll marry Marvin Yutzy out of spite.”

“Marvin is the perfect husband for me. I have no expectations, so he will never disappoint me. I don’t love him, so he will never break my heart.”

“Perfect,” Levi said. “I’m sure he’d be happy to know how much he means to you.”

“I will be a gute wife to him. I know how to work hard.”

“What every man wants, a wife he can work to death.”

“I will do my duty.”

“And be miserable.”

“And be content,” Rebecca insisted. “I will never fear losing him.”

With lightning speed, he took her into his arms. She trembled involuntarily at his closeness and felt the masculine power in his embrace. She tilted her head back to look at him. His lips were inches from hers.

“Don’t marry Marvin,” he said. “I love you.”

The vapors from his breath and hers mingled together before floating away into the air. Could he feel her heart hammering out an unfamiliar and dangerous cadence?

“Don’t kiss me,” she whispered.

He froze and, for several breathless seconds, stared at her mouth. She saw the turmoil in his eyes and then the final, agonizing surrender. He slowly released his hold and moved away from her. “I wouldn’t think of it,” he said.

His face became an emotionless mask as he stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked anywhere but at her. “There won’t be anymore gatherings for me. You can come and go without fear of my being there. I won’t bother you again. May God bless you with a long and happy life.”

He turned and walked slowly in the direction of the Wengerds’. She walked the other way, chancing one more look back.

Warmth washed over Levi as he and his grandpa came in the house and stomped the snow off their boots. Heavenly smells of bacon and pumpkin waffles wafted from the kitchen.

“Your mammi has a way with a skillet, to be sure,” Dawdi said, grunting as he slowly sank to the bench. “But with your mamm here, theys is the best pair of cooks in Apple Lake.”

“Here, Dawdi, let me.” Levi knelt down and loosened the laces on Dawdi’s boots before pulling them off his feet. “I wish you would let me do the milking on my own. The cold can’t be good for your hands.”

Dawdi waved off the suggestion. “Ach, I’ve done the milking for going on seventy years. Mammi wants us to sell the cows, but I ain’t ready to give it up yet.”

Levi didn’t argue. That Dawdi even managed to get up in the mornings was a miracle. If the milking kept him going, who was Levi to rob him of the experience? Still, he was glad he could relieve some of the burden for his grandparents. The milking machine proved temperamental at times, and Levi gladly kept it in working order.

Levi had expected a mighty struggle in adjusting to Amish life, but his kind neighbors had made the transition much less painful. Mom was right. The Amish were the most charitable people he’d ever met.

If it weren’t for the fact that he’d lost the only girl he would ever love, he could be quite content with his life. Rebecca’s rejection cast a pall over everything in the world.

Once his own boots were off, Levi helped Dawdi from his bench, and they hobbled into the kitchen. Ever since Mom had made her public confession and they reinstated her as a member, they had taken all their meals with Levi’s grandparents. Mammi was adamant. To make up for lost time, she said.

Mom set a heaping plate of waffles on the table while Mammi poured orange juice. “Sit, sit,” Mammi said. “The waffles will get cold.”

Dawdi insisted on pulling out a chair for Mammi before sitting himself. With his arthritic body, the effort took some time. Mom sat next to Levi. She pursed her lips doubtfully and squeezed his hand.

After prayer, Levi poured a generous helping of Mammi’s legendary maple cream syrup over everything on his plate and made short work of his waffles.

Once he cleaned his plate, he sipped his orange juice while he listened to his grandparents talk about the holes in the fence that must be mended before spring.

“We had a horse get through the fence last year,” Mammi told him.

Levi said something in reply, but he wasn’t even sure what. He wondered if Marvin had mended those fences at Rebecca’s place. There were two gaps in the pasture fence Levi hadn’t gotten to before winter. Max might be able to help, but Rebecca probably couldn’t fix them on her own.

Mom pounded her fist on the table and startled Levi from his stupor. “I’m not letting you go through with it,” she said.

“Through with what?”

“You’re not getting baptized.”

“Mom, yes, I am. This Sunday. Don’t freak out on me.”

Dawdi turned to Mammi in confusion. “What does she mean, Nancy?”

Mammi put down her fork. “Don’t you want Levi to be baptized, Mary?”

“You might as well know,” Mom said. “Levi is in love with a girl—”

“Jah, Rebecca Miller,” said Mammi. “We all heard.”

Dawdi groaned and rolled his eyes. “What a tattletale you are!”

“You are the one who told me, Alphy,” Mammi said. “From Gabe Zook, remember?”

“I don’t tattle,” Dawdi said. He picked up a piece of bacon and pointed it at Levi. “Gabe says you take her a rose every day.”

“Rebecca was the reason Levi wanted to join the community,” Mom said.

Mammi nodded. “Now she’s lost her senses and won’t have him.” She looked at Dawdi. “I heard from Izzy Herschberger.”

“You have no reason to be baptized,” Mom said. “If you’re baptized before you leave the community, I’ll either have to shun you or join you. So, I’ll join you because I can’t bear to lose you and then I’ll be shunned and we’ll be right back where we started.”

Levi groaned and tried to put Rebecca out of his mind. If he could just get over the stabbing pain he felt every time he thought of her. He took an unenthusiastic swig of orange juice.

“Don’t leave us, Mary,” Mammi said. “I think my poor heart would break.”

“You could stay without being baptized,” Dawdi said. “That’s been done before. It’s when you make your promise to God and then leave that things get tricky.”

Levi had already replayed this debate in his head too many times to count. He looked around the table at people he loved most. “I will love Rebecca until the day I die, and she won’t have me. I can’t make somebody love me who doesn’t love me. But I want to be baptized. I want to make my commitment to God. He has done so much for me. I want to pledge my life to Him.”

“The only good reason to be baptized,” Mammi said.

“I like it here,” Levi said. “I have a good job with a great boss. Once Rebecca marries Marvin, I will probably be able to make a friend or two. Besides, there’s too much noise out there in the Englisch world. I couldn’t hear myself think. For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace. Mostly.”

Mammi wrung her hands. “Oh, my poor boy.”

Levi felt the stinging tears. This propensity to weep at every thought of Rebecca was getting ridiculous. “Sorry,” he said, rubbing his eyes.

“You take after the Petersheims,” Mammi said. “Your dawdi can’t hold back tears for anything.”

“Why do you say this about your own husband?” Dawdi said.

“I might as well be miserable among the Plain folks rather than miserable in the Englisch world,” Levi said. “At least here I have my mom and grandparents.”

“I know plenty of girls you could marry,” Dawdi said.

“I’m content because I’ve made my peace with myself and Dad and God. Everything is going to be all right.” He reached over and grabbed Mom’s wrist. “I really want to join the church. Even if Rebecca is out of the picture.”

“Sue Ann Yoder is a pretty girl. She lives down the lane,” Dawdi said.

Levi cracked a smile. “I’m afraid Sue Anne Yoder doesn’t interest me.”

“Barty Mast has three or four daughters, unmarried.”

“Oh, Alphy, stop it. The poor boy doesn’t need your matchmaking,” Mammi said.

Grandpa frowned between bites. “I want to know what Rebecca Miller has that Sue Anne Yoder don’t.”

“Rebecca is…she’s everything. She’s smart and feisty. And brave. She made me take her skiing once, and she’s afraid of heights. And speed. And pretty much everything else. You know how hard she works on that farm, without complaint, caring for her siblings and her mom. She’s like an angel.” Okay, enough. The grandparents had seen plenty of blubbering.

“All I can say is, if the girl is too blind to see what’s right in front of her, she don’t deserve you,” Dawdi said, wiping his eyes.