Reckless Together: A Contemporary New Adult College Romance (The Reckless Series) (20 page)

He sighed. "I don't want to leave you, either. But it's not that simple."

She nodded, but she looked so sad he just wanted to cradle her. He grabbed her and pressed her against him, feeling her heart beat with his again.
 

When El broke the silence, her voice was too bright, like she was trying hard to be normal. "What time did you finally get home?"

"Four."

"Early, then."
 

"Yeah. Early." He was a crappy boyfriend. "About grad school—"

"Yes?" She looked so damned optimistic.

He had to come clean. "My interview is Wednesday. I'm thinking of canceling it. Something's come up."

Chapter Fourteen

Ellie

"Canceling." I sat up and stared at Logan, looking away as a surge of panic coursed through me. "You can't be serious. You promised. You
promised
." I pulled my blouse down and straightened my panties. Then I slid off the bed and looked around for my jeans, trying to rein my emotions in before I said something I'd regret.

"El, come on. Listen to me. I have a good reason." He sat up and zipped his fly.

I found my jeans and pulled them on, zipping, still not looking at him. "Then tell me."

"Like this? Now?" He slid his feet over the edge of the bed.
 

"Yes. Why not? You just got what you wanted."

He jumped to his feet and grabbed me by the arms before I could move or think about running. "I'm in trouble, El. I don't have the money for grad school. I'm about to lose everything."

I stared at him, unable to grasp what he was saying. More trouble? Like we needed more.

"It's the deal with Amber." He started explaining.
 

I was so upset, I barely heard what he was saying until he said he needed twenty thousand dollars. He looked as close to despondent as Logan ever got. Which scared me.

"I'm obligated to contribute my share. If the company goes under, we'll all lose everything and I'm done. My original investment will go up in smoke."

I kept staring at him, trying to let it sink in.
 

"I can get the money, part of it, if I take one of my job offers and get my signing bonus. Then I'll stall them while I get the rest."

"No," I said, shaking my head. "No."

"There's no other way, El."

I kept shaking my head.

"What do you want me to do? Ask Dad for the money like Amber suggested?" He looked at me like he hoped I wasn't a traitor like her. "Admit I'm a failure?"

Like I would ever betray him like that. "No!" I wrapped my arms around him.

"I won't ask him to pay for grad school, either, El. I can't."
 

"Ask Caleb for the investment money. That's chump change to your big-shot big-league baby brother."

Logan stiffened. "I thought of that. But I can't ask Caleb. Going to my little brother for money is like going to Dad. Everyone hits Caleb up for cash. I don't want to be like everyone." His heart pounded in my ear.
 

"You aren't everyone. You're his brother," I said into his chest. "He owes you for all the years you played pitcher to his catcher. It was the two of you who made him what he is. Without you, there would be no major leagues for Caleb. He has to know that." I wasn't backing down. In my mind, Caleb owed Logan much more.

Logan sighed and rested his chin on my head. "Okay. You're right. Caleb owes me. But I'm not sure he'll see it that way." He sounded so defeated that it should have broken my heart.

I squeezed Logan, selfishly relieved, feeling guilty for pushing Logan to beg his brother for money and hoping I hadn't misjudged Caleb. That he wasn't a bigger douchebag than I thought.

I bit my lip and went for broke. "I'm going with you to your interview. For moral support. I'll wait outside and be there to cheer you on."

"Don't trust me?" he said, sounding more like the playful Logan I loved.

"Can't stay away from you."

Logan thought he'd won. Thought he'd outwitted me when he pulled me on top of him on the bed when there was no chance of completing the act. I'd been too transparent. Somehow he had caught on to my plan.
 

I kept hoping what he'd allowed me to do was enough. That just playing with me on top was enough to break the cycle of nightmares. But that night he woke in a cold sweat again. He blamed it on business worries, but I wondered.
 

Monday and Tuesday flew by. We made love like humping bunnies. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. But through it all, I noticed Logan liked to be in control. He resisted when I tried to take charge. And teased and played to distract me and regain control. I had to make him see I wasn't
Her
.
 

Zave gave us a celebrity name, Loganel, and used it until it was just plain annoying. I believed there was some passive aggression behind it. That Zave was getting subtly back for blocking his chance with Kelsie. I made up my mind to help Zave win her, if I could. Kill two birds. Though it would have been better if Kelsie found some guy totally out of the gang, it didn't look like that was going to happen.

Logan and I didn't mention the money he needed. If I had it, any portion of it that would have made a difference, I would have given it to him and never cared if he paid me back. I was getting by. Jason was as generous with me as I would let him be. But I was stingy with his money, not letting him spoil me.

He had offered repeatedly to pay my tuition or room and board. He felt it was his duty. The least he could do for not paying a penny of child support while I was growing up. Not that that was his fault. I refused to take it. Paying for college was my responsibility. It was not what I wanted from him as a dad.

If this had been a private university, as his daughter, I would have been entitled to free tuition. But it wasn't. I let him use his employee discount to help me out at the student bookstore and for software I needed. And buy me dinner and coffee now and then. I took the odd bits of fun money from him when he absolutely insisted. But that was it.
 

I was tempted to ask him for money now. But he had the new baby coming and I couldn't make myself do it. I hadn't found him because I wanted money from him. I didn't want the thought to even cross his mind.
 

On Wednesday morning, I stood in Logan's bathroom in my panties and bra, getting ready to go with him to his interview. I was preoccupied with dreams of Logan deciding on grad school and staying with me for my senior year. Thinking if he did we could move in together. Officially. Wondering how I'd tell Jason, my super protective, surprisingly conservative bio dad. I brushed my teeth on autopilot, poured a glass of water, and reached for my birth-control pill pack without thinking, just like I did every day.
 

As I picked up the pack, it shook in my hand.
Nerves for Logan
, I thought. I had trouble popping the pill through the foil. When I finally succeeded, I dropped the pill in the sink. It slid around the slick ceramic finish while I dove for it. I caught it just in time to keep it from slipping down the drain.

My heart roared in my ears as I stared at it in my hand, with its coating melting in my palm from the wetness of the sink. I shivered, cold and nauseated. Dumbfounded as I realized what my subconscious had known all along—I was staring at the last active pill in the pack.

In a few days, my period should hit.
Would
hit. But there was that element of dark, forceful doubt. That voice in my head.
You've been reckless, Ellie. You're going to turn out just like Mom. Bitter and alone.

I pushed the voices away and swallowed the pill.
I haven't been careless. I haven't missed a pill. We used condoms every time.

The fear may have been totally unreasonable and unfounded, but it was powerfully real. Totally reactionary. And completely uncontrollable and subconscious. Like Logan's. So real I had to sit on the toilet seat and put my head between my knees to fight off the lightheaded, dizzy feeling.

You'll be okay. You'll be okay. You'll be okay.

I took long, deep breaths, trying to get control of myself. Trying to think of ordinary things. Like, of course my period was due for Mom's Weekend. Of course it was. Perfect timing. I would be all fat and bloaty and broken out while my mom was skinny and hot.
 

My heartbeat slowed, trying to find its normal rhythm. Was this how Logan handled the fear that attacked from his subconscious every time I climbed on top of him and tried to take control during sex? I admired him more than ever. He handled it better than I did.
 

I swallowed hard.
You'll be okay. You'll be okay.

I was going to have to attack when his subconscious was asleep and couldn't fight back. But how?
 

Logan pounded on the bathroom door. "El? Are you about ready? It's almost time to go."

"I'm fine," I said. "Give me a minute. I'll be out in a second."

You'll be okay. You'll be okay.

I stood up slowly and slid into the little sundress I'd hung to steam in the bathroom. I would not make Logan late for the interview I'd insisted he take. I put on some lipgloss and steeled myself.
You'll be okay.
 

When I opened the door, Logan was sitting on his bed, looking so completely adorable my subconscious fears relented and subsided. I whistled. "You look hot. Totally sexy."

He was dressed in a pale blue fitted dress shirt and tailored suit with skinny slacks that showed off his athletic build and made me want to run my hands over his shoulders. Stylish leather shoes. Happy socks with a funky geometric pattern in shades of blue that complemented his shirt. No tie.

"That's too bad. I was going for professional." He flashed me a lopsided grin.
 

I knew him well enough to know he was nervous, even if he didn't look it. "You'll do great." I walked over and stood between his legs as I bent and kissed him. And ran my hands over the sleeves of his shirt, copping a feel of his biceps. "I could just throw you back on the bed and take you here."

"Fine with me." He fell backward.

I climbed on him and sat on his crotch, letting the skirt of my sundress spread out around us. I rubbed against his crotch, feeling his hardness through his slacks and my panties. His eyes were dark with desire, but his body was taut, ready to strike and his face was paling. If I had believed this was my moment to cure him, I would have taken it. But I knew his MO. In another second, he'd flip me over.

I went wet at the thought. "Nice try." I slid off him before I gave him an embarrassing wet spot on his crotch. "You're going to the interview."

"But not as a happily sexed man, evidently." He frowned.

"Shut up! I thought we're running late. There's no time."

"There's always time for a quickie. Two minutes is all I need."

"Maybe I need more time."

He slid a hand beneath my skirt and slipped a finger into my panties. "Doesn't feel that way to me."

I pushed his hand away and stood up. "Focus, Logan."

"I am."

"Not on me, on the interview."

He sighed like he'd lost this battle.

"We have a ton to do today. After your interview, we'll go pick up my Mom's Weekend sweatshirts—"

"That's supposed to be an incentive?" He rolled his eyes.

I laughed and ignored his disdain. I lowered my voice like we were conspirators. "I ordered Mom a size too large."

He shook his head and sat up. "You're kidding. She won't wear it."

"Not kidding." I should have walked out of the danger zone. But I didn't. I stood between his legs again and traced the broad line of his shoulders, ostensibly smoothing out any wrinkles in his shirt. "Wear this to dinner at Jason and Lyssa's tonight?"

He gave me his skeptical look. "Seriously? I'm changing the first chance I get."

I laughed. "You look so
good
in it."

He ran his hands up my bare thighs beneath my dress. "And you look so good out of this."