Red Card (17 page)

The man who used to be excited to see me raised his head, assessing us, baby blues holding so much pain and exhaustion.

“I just don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

I didn’t know if he was talking about football, if he was talking about the media circus, or if he was talking about me. Shivers ran all over my body, even in the steamy locker room, and I felt so close to being sick that I had to swallow down the sour metal taste that began circulating in my gums.

I didn’t know how much longer I could do this either. And one of us had to make a decision.

I
t was
five years ago all over again.

Everything was too close. There was so much pressure pushing down on me that my body felt weighted, like I was looking up at the world while I was drowning on the ocean floor.

Italy had been a dream land. Alone with Leah out in the middle of nowhere, secluded. As I made love to her in the vineyard I'd been overcome with such a sense of completeness that I'd nearly told her I'd loved her right there as we climaxed together.

But that was before.

Before those pictures had leaked. Before my game started to slip. Before I'd been penalized and forced to sit out the rest of the season basically.

Before the entire world walked into my life and wouldn't get the fuck out.

I knew I was being a complete arse, that all the progress I'd made since Leah came into my life had been shot to hell. I knew that I was hurting her, and Jimmy, and my teammates. I knew I was only proving the tabloids and the media right.

But I couldn't help it. Something had shifted, there were splinters under my skin, and the only way to pry them out, to alleviate the pain, was to lash out or fire back. I was blind with rage and hurt, and I wasn't even sure why.

Yes, it was an invasion of fucking privacy on my solitude, my villa. I was pissed about that, but the pictures were already out, the only thing to gain from lawsuits was money.

I could have easily stopped this vicious onslaught if I'd just declared my feelings for Leah to the public.

But I just couldn't. The last time I'd attached myself so personally to one human, she'd left me. And then the spotlight had destroyed me.

It didn't matter that this time the one I loved was being destroyed right there with me. It only enforced my decision that I couldn't put our relationship out there.

And it made me doubt my feelings towards her that she wanted to go ahead and out us.

I was doing what I mostly did these days, flipping through channels on my couch with a tumbler of whiskey, trying to avoid anything to do with sports.

My thumb stopped clicking when a familiar face filled the screen.

"LEAH! LEAH! Is it true that you and Killian have been carrying on an illicit affair?"

"Miss Watson! Are you aware how unprofessional it is to sleep with your boss?"

"Leah! Are you pregnant? Is Killian going to propose?!"

The reporters launched questions at her as she ducked her head on the way out of Sainsbury. My gut clenched as I watched her, so afraid and vulnerable out there on the street. I had done this to her.

She was about to get into a cab when suddenly she whirled around.

"ENOUGH!" Her twang was so audible that it made my stomach drop to my toes. She only took that tone when she was about to go on a tirade. "Yes, Killian Ramsey and I have been seeing each other for most of the duration of my trip here. We do work together, and while I am acting as his publicist, things remain professional and focused. But we can't help who we fall in love with. I certainly couldn't. Killian is a kind, generous, all around great person, and we are lucky to have found each other. There is nothing illicit or taboo about our relationship, we are just two regular people who are trying to find a connection in this life. Now please, for the love of God, respect our privacy and leave us alone."

And with that she turned and marched to the cab as the cameras ran after the speeding vehicle down the street.

I sat in stunned silence. She'd gone ahead and made a statement. Without consulting me. Without thinking about what I would want.

Had she said she loved me?

A set of keys jiggled in the door and in walked my publicist, her blonde hair a bit frizzy from the rain. It was then that the anger came boiling to the surface.

"What the fuck is this?" I turned to the TV and pointed, my finger shaking as I stared at her, my jaw ticking with rage.

Leah set the groceries on the counter, the smile sliding off of her face, and indignant spark flashing in those green eyes.

"Okay, okay. I know I overreacted. But I couldn't keep living like this, Killian. You're miserable. I'm miserable. It wasn't getting any better. Maybe now they'll back off. At least we made some sort of statement, they won't just be speculating."

I could feel the blood pulsing in my ears. "And that was your decision to make, huh? You know, I had let the whole kit chaser thing go months ago, but now I'm thinking this was all some kind of plot. You just played the long game to sink your claws into me."

I knew I was spewing venom, but I couldn't stop.

Leah looked as if I had slapped her she'd gone so ashen. "Killian how dare you? That's so far from the truth and you know it."

I walked up so I was right in her face. "Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. You've wanted to go public with our relationship since it started. What do you want from me Leah, huh? Money? The lifestyle? WHAT?!"

She started to cry, sad fat tears rolling down her elegant face, marking up her skin. "I just went on national television and declared my love for you. I love you, Killian. Why do you think I’ve put up with all of this for so long?”

“I don’t know why. There is nothing special here. We had a fling. It was convenient. You were around, you’re hot, you’re young. Come on Leah, you didn’t think this was going to be a forever thing right?”

My words stabbed me in my chest each time I breathed, but I had to push her away. The further I did, perhaps the more I could finally get this enormous weight off of my life.

“I’m too old for you. I don’t do the marriage thing, not anymore. And kids? Forget it. You’re the type of girl who wants all of those things. And I’m not the one to give them to you.”

Leah was very still and very quiet for a few moments. Tears silently fell down her cheeks. I could still feel the rage and spite bubbling under the surface, but I also felt my heart splitting in two. Losing her would surely make me the inhuman thing I’d been on the path to becoming before she stepped into my life.

“You are the biggest coward I have ever known in my life. You are a small, pathetic excuse for a man, and I feel sorry for you.”

Her voice broke on the last note and I turned around.

I didn’t say anything to her before she left. I only heard the door close quietly, and then my chest cleaved in two.

M
y seat shook
from the turbulence, sending one of the ice cubes in my cup skittering out onto my tray table.

"Sorry about that folks, just an air pocket as we get back into U.S. airspace."

This time I was asleep. There was no music in my ears. All I had done the entire five hours of the flight so far had been stare out the window in a daze.

I hadn't been able to sleep for two weeks. I'd barely eaten. Hell, it had been a miracle I'd passed my finals and been able to pull myself together to make it to the 73Bulbs office one last time. At least Cressida Bennett said she'd give me a recommendation if I ever needed one.

I'd gone to London and accomplished what I had set out to do. I'd seen sights, formed a new identity, one I was really proud of, and got my career and future back on track.

The irony of it all was that I was flying out exactly the way I'd flown in; fresh off a breakup. The huge difference was that it felt like my heart had been physically ripped ventricle by ventricle from my chest. I was actually surprised each time I looked down, expecting there to be a massive hole gushing blood in the middle of my body.

Killian had gutted me the way Taylor never could have. Because what we had had been mature love. He'd let me grow, come into my own and spread my wings. He had held my hand but also challenged me when I needed it. We had been a unit, working together professionally and personally.

Until we hadn't been. Until he'd decided to hide me in the shadows like some dirty mistake, not taking my thoughts or feelings into account. Until I'd silently let him put me in the corner, and tried to convince myself that it had been the best thing for our relationship. I'd felt so used and mistreated those few weeks after Italy, and speaking out had been my way of getting my life, my control back.

But it meant losing the exact thing I was fighting for. Because it turned out, Killian hadn't wanted to fight for us the same way I had.

I wiped an errant tear that had slid onto my jawline. The things he'd said to me, about me. Jesus. We'd moved way past that, I'd told him I loved him for fucks sake. And he fired back with the most hurtful things he could think of.

I knew he was trying to push me away, that he was scared. But I was done being with men who couldn't own their shit, who cared way too much about what other people thought of them or the life they led. I deserved someone who would walk through fire, go to hell and back, climb god damn Everest for me. And until I had that, I was fine being on my own.

But it didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell.

Landing at Will Rogers World Airport was a surreal experience. I was excited to see my family after so much time away, and to get off that god damn plane. But I was also sad. I would truly miss London, its lifestyle and all of the differences about Europe.

I wasn't surprised to see the paparazzi swarming the exit as I ran to my mom and dad and hugged them. And I couldn't help but shed a few tears as my mom threw her arms around me. I'd forgotten what it was like to be held by the one person in the world who loved you unconditionally.

Flashbulbs went off in my face, and I cursed myself for breaking down here. There would be headlines online in no time talking about me being home, away from Killian and in tears. Too bad he had already broken the break up news to the tabloids by appearing at a club in Camden with a half naked brunette. My heart still stung like someone had sliced it and poured salt over the open wound each time I thought about that picture.

My parents loaded me into the car with Delilah and Katie chattering in my ear about everything.

I tuned it out as the big van rattled along through the streets of Oklahoma, the landscape so different than the tall white buildings of my neighborhood in Paddington.

I hadn't spoken to Killian since the day I walked out. He hadn't called and neither had I. I didn't know if I expected him to, he was so stubborn, but I hadn't been the one to do anything wrong and I wasn't going to take the blame. We technically hadn't even called things off, but I knew once I left London and he'd been photographed with another woman, we were done.

"Welcome home, sweetie!" Mom turned around from the front seat and smiled at me as we pulled into the driveway, the same blond white hair she'd given me hanging in front of her eyes.

While Delilah and I had gotten mom's blonde hair and fair coloring, Katie was all dad with the honey brown locks and olive skin. We were quite a clan.

I stared up at our two story craftsman as I got out of the van, thinking how small it looked. I hadn't been here in five months, and something just felt off. This didn't feel like the place I belonged anymore. Sure, you can come home, but what they don't tell you is that sometimes, it will no longer feel like it.

I
'd been
home for two days when Jaycee finally came to rescue me from my cave.

"Get up bitch."

Someone smacked me hard in the face with a pillow, eliciting a curse and a grumble from me as I turned over in bed.

"Go away, I have jet lag."

"Nice try. Last time I checked, jet lag wasn't heartbreak. Now get the fuck up, we're going out."

I opened one eye, taking in my best friend's appearance. Jaycee was about three inches shorter than me with mahogany brown curls. She had the rack and ass I'd give anything to get, and the clearest blue eyes. Right now they were making me think of Killian, and I wanted to die.

"Where are we going?"

"Dress shopping. For graduation. Or have you been doing research on the latest NFL wives’ fashion?” She smirked. She'd always hated how he treated me in those last years.

I groaned. I'd almost forgotten about graduation. "Do I even have to go?"

"What, and make me sit alone? Yes, you're going. Don't let another man rule your life, Watsy."

She was right, I'd cried enough.

"Alright. But you're driving. I think I'd crash a car at this point I haven't been behind the wheel in so long, or even on the right side of the road."

Jaycee and I went downtown where some new, trendy boutiques were, ones that had popped up since I was gone. We made it a girl's day, something I hadn't realized I'd needed until she had dragged me out. We laughed, gossiped and played around with clothes and jewelry all day.

I ended up picking a soft pink hi-low dress that hugged my middle and flared out past my thighs. Jaycee picked a tight teal bodycon dress. No surprise there.

"So, is he the one?" She finally brought up Killian as we strolled through downtown with Frappucinos in our hands.

I stayed silent for a moment, thinking it over in my head. "He could have been."

"What happened, Wats?"

I didn't know if I was ready to get into everything just yet. I didn't know if I ever would be. "I loved him and he didn't love me. Not enough. Isn't that what it always boils down to?"

O
n graduation day
we sat in the 15th row, two small fishes in the sea of 5,000. I was actually glad she'd forced me to go, even if it was just for my parent's benefit. It was also a testament at how far I'd come, how much I'd accomplished on my own in the past couple of months.

As I hugged my friends goodbye and started to make my way to where my family stood in the parking lot, I heard a voice behind me.

"Watsy..."

I turned and blinked at the person in front of me.

I hadn't seen Taylor in over six months, yet it was as if my brain had memorized his image. It should have, we'd been together for so long that I was half of him at one point. But it struck me that he no longer knew me, and I didn't know him. He was practically a stranger now. It was odd the way the heart remembered someone so completely, yet the brain never forgot how much time had passed since you'd meant something, everything, to each other.

"Hi Taylor."

We stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

"Congrats...on graduating. I didn't know you were back." He stared into my eyes as if the words he was trying to say should mean something more, something different.

"Thank you. You too." I didn't want to do this small talk.

"Listen, Leah...I'm...I'm really sorry about how things went down. I never...I never wanted us to end up like this. I made a mistake."

I didn't hesitate. "I know you did, Taylor."

He was stunned at my bluntness, but then again he didn't know me anymore. "Can we maybe grab a coffee sometime? Talk?"

I didn't have to think about that one either. "I don't think that would be a good idea. Listen, I accept your apology and I don't have any hard feelings anymore. But I'm also not open to having a relationship, or even a friendship again. We had some great years together and I think we should leave it at that."

Taylor's face dropped and he chewed on his lip. He wasn't moving, so I put a hand on his shoulder.

"Good luck in the NFL, Taylor."

And for the second time in a month, I walked away from a man I would have laid down my life for at one point.