Redemption (8 page)

I assumed that the main twelve of Defiance, the men who made the bylaws, who sat at the table, all knew what Bish and I had done. But the only one who came over to me was Caspar. He motioned for Bish to walk away too and I caught Bish’s eye, letting him know it was all right.

I knew it would come to this. Part of me wanted to walk away and let Jessa out of the trunk. The other part knew I needed to hear whatever the fuck the leader of Defiance would tell me.

What now?

“You tell me, Mathias. I’m supposed to risk Defiance for an outsider?”

You mean three outsiders.
’Cause I don’t count that asshole Charlie—you can do whatever the fuck you want to him.

“Don’t go there,” Caspar warned.

I’ll take her out of here.
Take the burden off you.

“Can’t let you do that now. She’s a bargaining chip.”

My hands fisted at his words, the old anger rushing up fast and furious. Caspar glanced between my fists and my face and jutted his chin, acknowledging that it would be a hell of a fight between us.

“So now I know how you feel,” was all he said.

That matters to you?

Instead of answering directly, he told me, “Find out everything you can about what she knows. For all our sakes. Find a reason for me not to turn her over to Keller to save the rest of this club.”

With that, he walked away, but his words echoed in my ears, burned hotter than the brand I’d endured to pledge my loyalty to him.

For a second, I was back in a different time and place, hearing different words...but the meaning behind them was exactly the same.

Find me a reason to let him stay with your family
,
sir.
Because if he won’t admit to anything
,
there’s nothing I can do to help him.

I shook that off, went to the van and unlocked the trunk. I helped her out and she looked shaken, but she still gripped my hand and said, “Thank you.”

Chapter Nine

I was up before the dawn

Jessa

It had been hard to believe that only a day and a half had passed since Mathias and Bishop grabbed me, but the visit from those men who’d kidnapped me, who wanted to buy and sell me, brought it all back in vivid detail. Shaken, I’d waited for the inevitable. Because everything had changed again, and the issue of who I was exactly was brought into sharper focus.

I was easily used, as was Charlie. And I was painfully aware of that fact.

Mathias looked as shaken as I felt when he helped me out of the old trunk. I grabbed him and he stiffened with surprise, like he knew I’d caught wind of some unnamed moment of weakness. But then his arms wound around me, and he buried his face in my hair and I wanted to run with him, to a place where I wasn’t the vice president’s daughter and wanted by some very bad men.

He pulled away and grabbed for the alphasmart.
Not worried about Keller or those assholes.
It’s just...something else.
Signs.

“Will you tell me?”

He shook his head, but there was a hesitance there. I was going to push, but a couple caught my eye. A man with hair so blond it was almost white, and icy blue eyes that cut through me from across the room. A scar bisected his cheek, deforming his mouth and eye slightly. I wanted to hide my face from him, but I didn’t. After a moment, he looked to the blonde woman at his side and his entire countenance changed. Still fierce—protective—but the look on his face when he looked at her...

What was it like to finally have someone who understood you?

I looked back up to Mathias and realized I already had that answer. All I could say to him was, “I believe in signs.”

He looked pained and pleased at the same time. I wanted to tell him more, but then Bishop came toward the van. I’m not sure from where, but he definitely moved like a ghost. I caught sight of him only when he was right next to me. I was sitting in the back of the opened van facing outward, my legs tucked under me when I caught sight of him leaning against the side of the van.

He didn’t say anything—not to me, anyway. Just gave a hand signal to Mathias and the understanding passed easily between them with that barest of communication. And then Mathias signed to him and Bishop signed back, presumably because they were either talking about me, things that concerned me—or things that didn’t concern me at all, reminding me how much of a stranger I was here.

I tried not to concentrate on that painful reality when I heard, “Hey, Jessa, my name’s Tru.” I looked up to see the lithe blonde who’d been with Casper coming across the warehouse floor. She wore jeans and a tank top and she carried a sweatshirt, but I noticed that the warehouse had begun to heat up now that the storm had passed. “I’m Caspar’s old lady. You haven’t met him yet, but he’s the president of Defiance.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said, like we were at some kind of formal tea and not in the middle of hell. Politeness was born and bred into me, no matter how much I’d pretended to be—and enjoyed being—a wild child with Mathias.

Tru smiled. “Are you hungry? I’m having some food brought over to my house. If you want to follow me, we could talk a little.”

I glanced around but saw no sign of Mathias.

“It’s okay. The men need to talk. You’re safe—with me and inside this compound.” She spoke firmly and I really had no choice but to follow her. It was that nearly pitch-black out—darkness like that seemed to follow whenever the storms subsided, and with only low lights surrounding us, I’d lost all sense of time. It could be midnight or middle of the afternoon and for the first time I realized it really didn’t matter.

Before I got far, Mathias was next to me, handing me an old Walkman and a couple of tapes. He didn’t give me a chance to say anything before disappearing into the warehouse again, but I held on to what he’d given me as surely as if they were my lifeline.

Tru simply watched the exchange silently, and then we continued walking. I stayed close to her as she wound through the lit paths of the compound. We passed groups of people and they called out to her and looked at me curiously and I wondered how much people knew. “How big is this place?”

She waited until we were inside the small house to reply, “We’ve got about a hundred and fifty people here now.”

“And they’re all MC members?”

“The men officially are. The women and children live on the compound because of the Chaos. Before Chaos, that wouldn’t happen. The compound was like the men’s sacred meeting place.” She managed to say it with both an air of reverence and partially like she knew she was humoring the men. “We’re locked down pretty tightly.”

“That’s good.” I took a seat at the table that had two trays of covered food on it and Tru sat across from me. She uncovered plates of burgers and fries and pushed one at me.

“This is from the local diner that’s right here on the compound. Best burger around.” She bit into it and closed her eyes like she was savoring it. I did the same and immediately understood. This food was delicious, and I hadn’t expected that outside of my protected world. Not when people were always picketing the areas where they thought our bunkers were, because they barely had any food, and it appeared that none of it was good.

We ate in silence, and then Tru pushed her plate away and studied me. “Do you want to talk about what happened out there?”

“Not really.”

She gave a sympathetic nod, but even though she was my age, it seemed like she was playing the authority card. “Look, I came back here six months ago. I was marched here by a rival gang and I wasn’t exactly given a warm welcome back into the fold. I stayed here for a while until Caspar could figure out what to do with me.”

“What did he decide?”

“He made me his.” There was a spark in her eyes when she said it. I rubbed my neck without realizing it, running my fingers over the bite mark hidden beneath the collar of my sweatshirt. I wondered if Mathias had made me his with that mark or if there was more to it than that.

Tru gave me a smile that let me know she’d figured out what had happened between me and Mathias. There didn’t appear to be any judgment on that end, but maybe she was just being nice. Or trying to get information from me.

Instead of spending time deciding what I was going to tell the people of Defiance, I’d spent time rolling around with Mathias. And while I didn’t regret a single moment of it, I chewed my bottom lip before saying, “Is that the way it is around here?”

“Mostly, yes,” Tru said. “The guys around here like to protect us. I suspect you know what that’s like.”

“Smothered,” I mumbled and she laughed.

“Yes, at times. I guess there can be worse things.”

I’d seen them firsthand, but I didn’t feel like talking about it. “Mathias said Defiance isn’t like the Lords.”

Her face clouded. “The only thing we have in common is that we’re both motorcycle clubs. The LoV have no honor. They’ve been around a long time, but the Chaos made them worse. To them, women are chattel.”

“Sounds like you’ve got firsthand experience with them.”

“I know you do.”

So we were here already. “They didn’t hurt me. I realize why now. They were going to sell me to Keller. I had to be in one piece.” I stared down at my hands and thought about Mathias, and then I looked Tru in the eyes. “What are you guys planning on doing with me?”

“Keeping you safe until you decide what you want to do.”

“So if I wanted to go back home...”

“Do you?”

“I don’t want to go anywhere. Not right now.”

“Fair enough.”

I hadn’t mentioned Charlie and she didn’t bring him up either, so I moved on to another topic. “So this motorcycle club...is Mathias a part of it?”

“He’s been here for six months. He’s fought for Defiance. He’s more like an honorary member at this point, because he hasn’t decided if he wants completely in yet. Same goes for Bishop,” Tru said.

I stored that information away as a knock on the door interrupted us. Tru called, “It’s open,” and a blonde, blue-eyed, all-American-looking woman with a tentative smile came inside.

“Hey, doll!” Tru bounced up and went over to the woman for a hug. “Aimee, this is Jessa.”

Aimee said hi and let Tru tug her to the table. “How are you doing, Jessa? I’m sure this is a bit of culture shock for you.”

I eyed Tru. I guessed word of who I was had gotten out.

“Sorry—I know because I work in the infirmary. We were informed that you take priority,” Aimee explained to me before Tru could say anything. “I should’ve let Tru tell you.”

“That’s okay. I’m just...a little paranoid,” I said honestly.

“Understandable.” Aimee had a gentle way about her. “Listen, when you’re feeling a little more settled, I’d like to bring you to the infirmary to have a checkup. Unless you’d feel more comfortable having the doctor come here.”

“I feel okay. I think,” I said. “I don’t really like doctors much.”

Aimee smiled, like it wasn’t the first time she heard that, and said to Tru, “Well, she fits in here.”

“Jessa, we’d all feel better knowing you’re okay,” Tru persisted.

“The LoV didn’t touch me. Not like that,” I said quickly. “But okay. Maybe later.”

“Good. We’ll hold you to it,” Tru said.

“Okay, so since Aimee already knows...can you tell me what being the daughter of the VP’s like? Because it sounds exciting, even though it doesn’t sound like my thing.”

There was genuine curiosity, and I had enough about her return to Defiance as well, so I figured a question answered is a question asked. “It wasn’t mine either,” I said ruefully. “I wore expensive dresses, met high-level people, ate the best food, was exposed to the best education and still...”

And still, I could trace the scars on the insides of my wrists with my thumbs as we sat there talking. Something was wrong with me.
Fucked in the head
, I’d heard Charlie say the other day, and he’d obviously always felt that way.

But it was different here. I couldn’t have explained it easily, but I tried. I thought about that glimpse of Caspar and Tru together, and decided that if the leader of Defiance could look on his woman so openly and lovingly, that it must carry through to the rest of the club.

“It’s a balance,” Aimee said quietly. “They want to protect us. And I’m not saying we don’t need protection—we do. But so do they. It’s a matter of how we do it.”

“Just like politics—it’s the woman behind the man,” I said.

Tru nodded. “And there’s nothing wrong with that, especially if it keeps Defiance from looking weak. We can’t change the rest of the world, but if we’re happy here, who cares what the world thinks? So...you and Mathias.”

“I guess word gets out fast.” I shifted uncomfortably. I’d never had girlfriends or girl talk. My parents preferred to keep our circle tight, and so my main sources of socialization were large parties—where I didn’t have time to get to know anyone—and Charlie and his family. “He’s very secretive.”

Tru glanced up at me with a wry smile. “They all are, hon. Comes with the territory.”

Chapter Ten

Our claim to fame

Mathias

After Tru took Jessa to the guesthouse, Bish and I grabbed something to eat. I was due to fight tonight and the field was an hour away. Caspar had told Bish that he wanted us to proceed normally, to not give away anything by being absent.

It wasn’t as big of a risk for us to leave the compound—Keller knew that taking us wouldn’t get him anywhere with Defiance. But I didn’t like leaving Jessa behind, knowing that Caspar looked at her like she was risking his club’s safety.

“You going to pull your head out of your ass long enough to fight?” Bish asked, but there was a smile on his face.

My ass is just fine
,
thanks.

“Thanks for the PSA.” Bish raised a hand to get Shelby’s attention. She was one of the waitresses here, but she also helped run the business. The women in Defiance no longer had to hide their strengths, and while it was cool to see, it definitely made the older generation—and some of ours—nervous as hell.

Caspar had started training all the women in self-defense too, whether they wanted to or not. “We all gotta be able to protect ourselves, our kids, our home,” he’d told us at the last meeting.

But women still didn’t hold court at church. There were some rules that would take years to move aside, and doing so could put Defiance at risk with the other MCs. Better to keep the women as our secret weapon, I thought, and Tru agreed with that.

“Next thing you know, women’ll be fighting in the ring,” Bish said.

I
thought you liked strong women?

“Something to be said for being overpowered in the bedroom. Don’t like it when it’s only about the fight,” Bish clarified and shot me the finger when I signed,
Got anyone special in mind?

Our food came, platters of burgers and fries, a couple of glasses of milk, and we ate in silence, probably thinking about our respective bedrooms.

Finally, Bish said, “You like her.”

Yeah.
But we both know it’s beyond that.

Bish believed in signs the way I did, maybe even more so. “I know.”

Is that a problem?

“Not for me. But there’s a lot to figure out here, Mathias. Like what we’re doing.”

We’d been avoiding that topic, because neither of us really knew what we wanted to do. We knew who we were—I played wild to Bish’s peace—but I didn’t believe in hiding who I was. I was wild, although Bish was more violent. We balanced one another out. We’d been best friends since we were eight. Brothers. And that wouldn’t change.

But now we had a group, a brotherhood. The military one had been temporary, but Defiance was a better bet. A soft place to land—as soft as it got these days.

And still, we couldn’t settle in.

We knew Defiance put new bylaws in place for becoming a member of the MC when Caspar took control and abiding by them was better for us. Because even though we’d stayed on to help Caspar take his rightful place at the helm, we didn’t like staying in one place, although hell, we liked it here. Especially now that Caspar was in control and the older generation was still chaffing under his reign. Although there was serious business to attend to, there were more parties too.

“Food’s good. Lots of weapons. Lots of women to fuck,” Bish would say. Sometimes, I’d point out that he was spending a lot of time with one woman in particular, and he wouldn’t answer me at all.

And that always meant he was confused about something. And when something confused him that deeply, he wouldn’t discuss it with me until he figured it out for himself.

We liked Defiance well enough, maybe more than we’d thought. I’d pushed Bish to come here so we could get the fuck out of the military.

But once you were in, you were in, and the only way out was painful.

Some said there was never a real way out of an MC, except for death. Neither of us really liked following rules much, but Caspar was a good leader, from what we’d seen so far. Fair. Loyal. Brave as fuck.

I
don’t want to talk about it now.

“Yeah, me neither.” Bish glanced at the clock on the wall. “Ready to head out?”

Think I should tell Jessa?

“That you’re going to fight? No.”

I never took Bish’s words lightly. I didn’t this time either. But I still went to check on her anyway. I knocked and got no response, so I let myself in to the guesthouse and heard her.

She was singing. Headphones on, her back to me and I’d bet her eyes were closed. She was that lost in the music, in her song. I listened as her voice filled the room, the notes rising and I swear to fuck they flooded my system, a shattering, beauty of a string of notes.

Song...soulful. Pained. And she was hiding what she could do. How could hiding that big a part of yourself affect your life or be any good for anyone? Hiding yourself away, you could easily lose who you were forever.

If she’d ever really known who she was to start with.

I backed out of the room, out the door and went with Bish to the fight.

* * *

Jessa

After Tru left, I’d grabbed the tapes and the Walkman and tested my voice. I’d barely been able to contain it in the van but I had, only because the guys would’ve thought me the oddest thing ever, singing after nearly being sold like chattel. Or maybe they would’ve thought it normal. I’d almost begun to sing when Mathias and I were playing the guitar, but I’d held back. I wasn’t even sure I could sing anymore.

But now, alone, with the music in my ears, my throat unclenched enough and I began to whisper-sing the lyrics, like I was testing my voice, my will...my resolve, my strength.

It was all there. Thanks to Mathias’s gift, I knew I could shut out everything around me and concentrate on how it felt to sing. I didn’t have to hear myself—I could just listen to the music.

I could simply fall in love. The signs were all there.