Regeneration X (8 page)

“Mmhm. I guess I shouldn’t expect my life to turn around overnight.”

“We are talking about two different things:
feeling
repressed versus actually
being
helpless. Altering your perception may be enough for the helplessness you
feel
. I use the word
influence
because this is what I want you realize, your influence. Let’s take it a step at a time,” Dr. Baum stressed.

“Got it,” said Charley, finally realizing she was overcomplicating it, acting as if there was an issue when it was just a general feeling of complacency. “There was something else I wanted to discuss. Miles sent me a message just the other day inviting me to come visit, out of the blue. I mean, we’d renewed our friendship a long time ago, so this is not what bothers me. It’s just strange because I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately and it’s rather coincidental. We were always better friends than lovers. Giving up on the friendship had been the most difficult part of
going on with life
, but I haven’t seen him since and we don’t really talk frequently.”

She secretly looked forward to seeing herself through his eyes; Miles would pay attention to her as no one else in her life had and she needed this. A relationship with a European, whether in friendship or romance, was charming. That European flair was appealing to her as far back as she could remember and Miles would tell her in his charismatic way, with his deep and rough accented voice, she was beautiful. He would make her believe it—feel special.

“It could be coincidental that he should contact you just now. Or it may be similar to how when you see something for the first time and then notice it everywhere.

“Think about it, Miles is a distinct presence in your past and he will always exists in the back of your mind. It probably seems strange now because you recognize that you’ve been thinking about him, but in fact he’s been retrieved from your thoughts countless times before without being cognitively connected to the present.”

“Oh!”
That’s probably what it is.

“By the way, I recently had the same memory dream again; you know the one I painted?”

Dr. Baum prompted with a nod.

“Anyway, the dream was about us and one particular instance on the mountain. It was terrifying because it was true—depending on how you perceived the actual events. The dream was based on reality, but as it always is in dreams, it was distorted … slightly.”

“Tell me about it in as much detail as you can remember.”

“Well, we were going for a hike up one of the Swiss Alps trails. My dream begins on the trail that day. We’d been climbing for so long; I was so tired. The dream starts with me saying, ‘Miles? Let’s stop. Can we? I’m exhausted.’

“Then, I’m watching Miles secure a foot between two large rocks, grabbing the corner of a rock above him, and heaving his body up. Since Miles was very lean and sinewy, I could see the muscles on his back and shoulders stretching, almost painfully through the thin, black fabric of the performance jersey he was wearing. Just at this moment, he made it to the top of the relatively small peak we’d been climbing. Up until then he hadn’t responded to my question and, finally, he pauses and turns. Standing above and looking down at me, he says, ‘You’ll stiffen up. We shouldn’t stop now.’

“At this point, I muttered in a barely audible tone, ‘It’s alright for conditioned climbers. This peak is probably no big deal … just a bunch of big rocks. …’ But, I pushed myself on, thinking, ‘
I’ll get through this, after all, it’s probably one of the easier climbs.
’

“Going back to the morning, it was our first day in Switzerland and I was ready for the adventure. I felt so proud. I remember thinking,
it’s going to be amazing; climbing those beautiful, blue peaks and being out in the fresh mountain air
. It was going to be an experience I would cherish. I would brag about it to everyone I knew. With confidence and a fake air of casual expertise, I packed a camera in my backpack along with granola trail mix, both in the front zipper pocket. I felt excited and prepared.

“But seven hours later, and after walking, hiking, and climbing through many different terrains, the snack mix bag was nearly empty and my naive, but adventurous spirit was gone. I had always been a romantic; maybe I’d been envisioning scenes of
The Sound of Music
. But, the aching muscles, the sweat dripping down my temples into my eyes and down my back making my skin itch, and the hunger pangs stabbing at my stomach were never part of my imagination. I knew I would never do this again and I felt a little guilty and flaky; it was going to be one more thing I tried and given up.

“‘I thought this was going to be fun.’ I said, ‘You never said a thing about climbing a rock wall.
Please
, let’s just stop for a minute.’

“It wasn’t an unrealistic request, but judging by his stiff posture and generally distanced look, my tone must have made Miles feel I was blaming him for being hot, hungry, and generally miserable. In reality, I wasn’t much of a whiny, petulant brat as far as I remember, but this is how I came across in the dream. I could see clearly how my
rosy
picture of everything was fantastical. I wanted everything to be perfect, and at that moment I thought it was or still could be; it never occurred to me it could be anything else.

“Miles stopped. He didn’t look at me, he was staring off into the distance, but his voice was almost paternal. ‘Wall? We’re not scaling a building going straight up, so that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think? The temperature is warmer than usual. This field is normally covered with packed snow; it’s easier to walk on then. Believe me I didn’t plan this. This is the first time I’ve seen it this way, but it’s not like we can ask the mountain to cut you a break.’

“‘I wouldn’t be opposed to trying.’

“‘Look,’ he said, trying to distract me, pointing to our right. ‘See the lake? It’s a wonder it’s so blue. It’s extremely cold, too. It freezes your fingers if you touch it, but it’s crystal clear when you’re standing in front of it—you can see through to the bottom.’ For a while, he didn’t say any more.

“Frustrated, I could hear my voice pitch slightly higher. ‘We’ve been walking for hours. We’re supposed to enjoy the whole view, all the way up, not just the inside of the shelter when we get there and a mountain lake in the distance. You know? Like, ‘it’s the journey that’s important, not the destination.’?’

“He stilled for an instant and with the fleeting twitch of his jaw muscle I could clearly hear his thoughts,
Shit! Enough with the drama
. Instead, he said in the same steady emotionless tone, ‘You can enjoy the view on the way down. It’s already getting dark. Soon you won’t be able to see two feet in front of you. On the Alps, you could easily step those two feet off a cliff.’

“I knew we were following the red and white stripes painted by the Swiss Army, so I looked across the landscape for the next mark. Thankfully, the rocks on this side of the peak were more scattered. It was a steeper and narrower path down to the lake, but at least it would be smoother and greener. I spotted the shelter at the top of the next peak. It looked so close, but I knew it would be a long hike. Looking down I said, ‘Look at these little frogs, they are so tiny. I just now noticed them. I hope we haven’t stepped on any.’

“As he looked out, his well hidden agitation was replaced with a growing unease. ‘Life is short. Let’s keep going,’ he said not bothering to look out for the tiny critters at our feet.

“‘Aw, that’s mean,’ I said. ‘I know you think I’m being a brat. But really, you’ve seen this all before. I’m just trying to make the best of it. The highest peak I’ve ever climbed was really just a big rock—Wedge Rock in Turkey Run.’

“Again in the dream I heard his thoughts as if he had spoken them out loud without moving his lips, Traveling together tells you a lot about people, Miles seemed to say. He was also thinking,
in a very different way, the novelty has worn off for me too; I know I should tell her, but I can’t, I have to choose the right moment
. Maybe it was the guilt of this these thoughts because next he said, ‘alright, I get it. If you want, we can take a break, a short one, OK? Getting past the rock field was the toughest anyway. It’s a straight path from here.’

“Miles sat on the edge of one of the craggy boulders and stared down at the lake. I sat down beside him and leaned my head on his shoulder. I glanced at the lake and then peered out at the lonely shelter perched above us on the next peak. Neither of us spoke for what seemed a long time. ‘Look at how low the clouds look. I feel like if I reach out I can grab a handful of cloud fluff in my hand,” Miles said. ‘And the air is thinner, can you feel it?’

“Even before he’d said it, I had noticed how each breath seemed to reach my lungs with a kind-of sharpness. ‘It’s surreal,’ I gasped out.

“Miles had hiked this route many times. But he was thinking of one special time. ‘Once I came up here with my dad. I told him the same thing, that it didn’t seem real.’ The clouds so misty and fuzzy have this effect. It’s as though you’re having a waking dream. I remember my dad saying, ‘Maybe this is what being near god feels like—awe and contentedness. It’s strange, but at the same time, wonderful.’’’

“Too soon, Miles pulled himself to standing. ‘We better get moving. It’s getting colder; it will be full dark soon.’

“I slowly stood and wincing I said, ‘It’s only going on 4 o’clock, but you’re right, my legs are stiff and they burn.’

“‘Easy. You go first; just keep to the trail,’ Miles said, sounding a little nervous. ‘I’ll find the flashlight, it’s somewhere in this pack.’

“Startled by the sound of his voice, I turned to look into his face, but he didn’t meet my eyes. He was busy rummaging for the flashlight. As I began to descend, my heartbeat quickened. I cautiously stepped forward, ‘the trail is really narrow and I can’t see the markings anymore.’ It was quiet. ‘Does the Swiss Army use reflective paint?’

Miles didn’t answer.

“We marched on for a while in quiet, but the sky had quickly turned a deep indigo and then into blackness. I’d never experienced this kind of darkness ever before. Instinctively I started shuffling my feet. My teeth chattered. I reached out before me. ‘Miles? Uh … Where’s that flashlight? I can’t see my hand in front of my face.’ The ground was too smooth, I couldn’t even hear the crunch of our steps. Just then Miles turned on the flashlight and I saw him standing very close to me. The darkness swallowed up the dim light and the flashlight flickered and went out.

“I wanted to cry. It was quiet. I whispered with desperation and fear, ‘Please Miles, turn it on. I can’t see.’ My heart beat wildly in my chest; I felt a nudge. My foot slid on the edge of the path. Miles bumped me again.” Having relayed everything in as much detail as she could remember Charley concluded the scene. “My lungs squeezed out the beginnings of a scream I didn’t recognize as my own and I lost footing.”

“I did fall, but luckily only a short tumble down next to the path. Aggravated with Miles, I accused him of pushing me; I still do not know if he did. He said he’d been cautiously moving forward not sure where I was when he bumped me. Only, he sounded so defensive, I could hear the regret in his voice. Maybe because he knew how bad it could have been. In reality, I believed him and I told myself Miles wouldn’t resort to such extreme measures just to end the relationship. We broke up soon after. But in my dream I woke up when I fell.”

Dr. Baum said, “Do you think you harbor a desire, maybe not for your past, but for Miles to …”

“No,” she interjected.

 
“Let me finish before you misinterpret my question. I was going to say, ‘explain.’ Maybe you resent him, not because you suspect him of pushing you off the cliff, but rather of pushing you away. You implied before the breakup was a mutual decision. Is it possible you blame him for the end of your relationship?

While she ruminated in silence, she realized she could not answer Dr. Baum’s questions without absorbing the idea that she actually resented Miles. Sure, she had been momentarily angry, but resentful? There was a lot there. She’d have to think on it. As if reading her mind, Dr. Baum interjected before she responded, “Perhaps we should leave your answers for our next time. Think about it and maybe write it out. It might help you recall how you felt at the time.”

Charley considered these questions passively for the remainder of the day, realizing by the end of it that she resented Miles then and apparently now. It was coming back to haunt her because her life was so … predictable—exactly what she thought was nice before. Her subconscious was telling her what she couldn’t see in reality.

December 22, 2024

I closed my eyes and let myself fall into an abyss for a moment, and when I opened them, I felt slightly nauseous. All these years and only now am realizing the end of Miles’ and I’s relationship completely changed my future. I must have realized this before and blocked it out or it was masked by the grief I felt at the time. It was rather easy to admit the friendship was the most difficult part of the relationship to let go of, but aside from the pain of losing someone I’d loved, I remember now how I had felt a mixture of disappointment for some time after.

I was angry, too, because truthfully I’d become rather accustomed to trips abroad and a European way of life. It wasn’t something I could arrange and maintain on my own. I couldn’t move to Europe by myself and become European just by relocating. I was very much looking forward to being European by association. I know this sounds snooty, but it’s more pro-European than anti-American.

Miles and I talked about the possibility of moving to Europe in the future and, while he had his reasons for moving to the US in the first place, he’d said it was likely he’d want to return home someday—if not permanently then at least for a good portion of each year. He had purposely chosen international business for post-grad. When we married, he would have dual citizenship, allowing him easy, visa free, passage between the EU and North America. I would eventually become an EU passport holder, too. That was the plan.