Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (14 page)

THERAPIST: Close your eyes and get an image of Greg. What do you see?

LINDSAY: I see his face, looking at me like he’s disgusted, like he thinks I’m so pathetic for trying to hold on to him.

THERAPIST: What are you feeling?

LINDSAY: Like I hate him and I want him at the same time. THERAPIST: Give me an image of when you felt this way before, as far back as you can.

LINDSAY: (Pause.) What comes is visiting my mother in the hospital. I am eight years old, and my father is taking me to visit my mother in the hospital. My father tells me she took too many pills by mistake. But I know something more is going on. And I walk in the room and I see my mother, and I hate her so much, but at the same time I want her to come home so badly.

Forge these links between the present and the past with imagery. Try to remember the beginnings of your feelings of abandonment.

2. Monitor Your Feelings of Abandonment.
Become aware of your feelings of abandonment now in your life. Hone your ability to recognize when your lifetrap is triggered. Perhaps you are undergoing a loss somewhere in your life. You may have a parent who is ill, a spouse who is going away, a relationship that is ending, a lover who is unsteady—who keeps jerking you around—or you may be so sealed off from the possibility of loss that you are totally alone.

See if you can recognize the cycle of abandonment in your life. Abby, Patrick, and Lindsay all saw this cycle clearly once they looked for it.

PATRICK: It really is the same thing every time. First, I realize Francine isn’t coming home and I’m frantic. One minute, I’m terrified that something has happened to her, that she’s had a car accident. The next minute, I’m so angry at her for doing this to me again that I feel I could kill her when she walks in the door.

I go on like this for hours until I’m too tired to keep doing it. Then I lie down, and I feel so depressed. I just try to sleep.

When she finally gets home, most of the time I just don’t care. But sometimes I get angry again when I see her, and it’s hard for me not to hit her.

Allow yourself to experience all the feelings in the cycle. Become aware of the cycle whenever you ride it.

It is important for you to start spending time alone if you are not doing so.
Choose
to spend time alone instead of running away. This was something Abby learned to do. When Abby first came to therapy, she spent much of her time in a frantic effort to avoid being alone. She always had someone standing by, in person or by phone, who could take care of her if she needed it. Abby had to learn to tolerate being alone. Later she learned to appreciate solitude.

ABBY: It feels good to stop scheming all the time about how to keep people near me. It took a lot out of me. I tell myself that I can function on my own, that I can take care of myself that I can be okay alone.

You can start a little at a time. Spend time alone. Make it special. Do things you enjoy. Your fears will pass. If you do it often enough, you can pass through the fears into a space of peace.

3. Review Past Romantic Relationships and Clarify the Patterns That Recur. List the Pitfalls of Abandonment.
Make a list of the romantic relationships in your life. What went wrong with each one? Was the person overprotective, and did you hold on at all costs? Was the person unstable? Did you leave each person because you were too afraid the person would leave you? Do you keep picking people who are likely to leave you? Were you so jealous and possessive that you drove the person away? What pattern emerges? What are the pitfalls for you to avoid?

When Lindsay made her list, she saw that she had been through one unstable relationship after another. In fact, her relationship with us was the first time that someone was there for her on a consistent basis who would not go away. And we felt that our relationship stabilized Lindsay. It showed us once again how important a solid relationship can be, how the person can really settle down, become centered, more able to focus on living life.

4. Avoid Uncommitted, Unstable, or Ambivalent Partners Even Though They Generate High Chemistry.
Try to form relationships with stable people. Avoid people who are going to take you on a roller coaster ride, even though these are the exact
people to whom you are most attracted.
Remember that we are not saying that you should go out with people you find unattractive, but an intense sexual attraction
may
be a sign that your partner is triggering your Abandonment lifetrap. If this is so, the relationship means trouble, and you should probably think twice about pursuing it.

In the middle of her second year of therapy, Lindsay started going out with a man she met at work (she is a high school art teacher). His name was Richard, and he was another teacher at her school. With Richard, Lindsay had her first stable relationship with a man. Richard was clear about his commitment to Lindsay. Near the end of our second year of therapy, he asked her to marry him. He was an alcoholic, but he had been in recovery for twelve years. He was consistently there for Lindsay emotionally. In fact, he was the unruffled type who seldom became moody or lost his cool. Emotional people and calm, rational people often form relationships with one another. Richard’s steady love for Lindsay helped contain her intense emotions, just as her relationship with us did.

When Lindsay began the relationship with Richard, she only felt moderately attracted to him, but her attraction grew. Unlike most of her other relationships with men, Lindsay stayed friends with Richard for several months before they became lovers. This had the effect of stabilizing the relationship as well. Lindsay felt less vulnerable, and she did not cling as much nor make her usual accusations of infidelity.

Patrick ended his marriage to Francine. He finally understood that she was never going to change, no matter how much he tried to improve himself for her. Although he predicted he would never become interested in any other women, he is dating other women now. He is learning about himself in relationships. More importantly, he is learning to
keep
himself in relationships. Patrick has always given himself entirely away, so that he had nothing and the other person had everything. If you give everything to the other person, it is a catastrophe to lose that person. Patrick is learning to hold on to his power in relationships.

PATRICK: I always thought the whole point of a relationship was to hold on to the other person. I would do anything to keep her. But now I see that I can let people go and survive. I can let people go and walk away, and eventually I’ll be fine.

5. When You Find a Partner Who is Stable and Committed, Trust Him/Her. Believe That He/She is There for You Forever; and Will Not Leave. After so much experience with abandonment, it is hard to learn to trust. But this is the only way to finally step out of the cycle and find fulfillment in love. Get off the roller coaster. Give up the wild, unstable love in favor of the strong and steady.

All three of our patients had to learn to trust. Abby had to learn that Kurt was really there for her, even when he was away.

ABBY: It’s funny, but I feel like the end of the Wizard of Oz. What I was looking for the whole time was in my own backyard. I already have with Kurt what I have always wanted most, someone who is there for me but who wants me to stand on my own.

Similarly, Patrick and Lindsay had to learn to trust their partners in healthy, committed relationships.

6. Do Not Cling, Become Jealous, or Overreact to the Normal Separations of a Healthy Relationship.
If you are in a good relationship with a stable, committed partner, learn to control your tendency to overreact to emotional slights. The best way is by working on yourself. Explore your own resources, and learn that you can be alone and flourish. To get by day-to-day, remember that you can make flashcards. Using a flashcard each time your lifetrap is triggered chips away at the lifetrap, weakening it.

We helped Lindsay write a flashcard (see the next page) to deal better with her relationship with Richard. She used it to stop clinging and making accusations, and to reaffirm her trust in him and in herself whenever that trust felt shaken.

AN ABANDONMENT FLASHCARD

Right now I feel devastated because Richard is withdrawing from me, and I am about to become angry and needy.

However, I know that this is my Abandonment lifetrap, and that my lifetrap is triggered by just the slightest evidence of withdrawal. I need to remember that people in
good
relationships withdraw, and that withdrawal is part of the natural rhythm of good relationships.

If I start behaving in an angry and clingy way, I will push Richard even further away. Richard has a right to pull away at times.

What I should do instead is work with my thoughts to try to take a longer view of the relationship as a whole. My feelings are way out of proportion to reality. I can tolerate my feelings and remember that in the big picture Richard and I are still connected, and the relationship is good.

To best help myself, I should turn my attention to my own life, and ways of developing myself. The better able I am to be on my own, the better I will be in relationships.

If your lifetrap is severe, and you cannot seem to form a good relationship, consider therapy. A therapy relationship can help get you to the place where you can bring good relationships into your life.

Fr
a
nk: Thirty-two ye
a
rs old. He is mistrustful in his
PERSONAL AND WORK LIFE.

Frank comes to therapy with his wife, Adrienne. They have been having marital problems.

FRANK: Even though I know she loves me, I have trouble trusting her. It’s like I keep expecting the whole thing to be a big trick. Like she’s gonna turn around and say, „Okay, it’s over, I never really loved you, I’ve been tricking you all along.“

ADRIENNE: Like the other day. I went out to the grocery store. While I was there I ran into my friend Melinda. We went out for coffee for about half an hour.

When I got home Frank was beside himself. „Where was I, who was I with, what was I doing.” At one point he grabbed me and started shaking me. He was shouting at the top of his lungs. I felt really scared of him.

FRANK: Yeah. I know. I don’t want this to get out of control.

Frank has a similar problem with us. He does not trust us. It took us a long time to gain his trust. Even after months of therapy, he was capable of great mistrust.

FRANK: You know, I was at work yesterday, talking to my boss. And he started telling me that I come across too strong with customers. I don’t want to sound paranoid or anything, but it sounded an awful lot like what we were talking about in our last session.

I started wondering, „Is there any way you could know my boss? Is there any way you could have discussed me with him?“

THERAPIST: We don’t know your boss. And you know we would never speak to anyone about you without your written permission.

FRANK: It just seemed like such a coincidence. It seemed like my boss knew about our discussion when he was talking to me.

THERAPIST: We would never do that to you. We’re on your side, remember?

Frank and Adrienne have two children. In that first session we ask if he has any problem controlling his anger with his children. „No,“ they both tell us. Frank is wonderful with the children.

FRANK: No. That’s one thing. I had a really busy childhood. My father used to beat me. I’ve always vowed that my children would have it better. I’ve never bid a hand on my children, and I never will.

In fact, since he became an adult, Frank has only lost his temper once, and that was while he was drinking four years ago. He has not had a drink since.

We feel immediately sympathetic toward Frank. He is struggling hard to be a finer person than his childhood set him up to be.

MADELINE: TWENTY-NINE YEARS OLD. SHE HAS NEVER HAD A LONG-TERM ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.

Madeline comes to therapy because of problems with men.

MADELINE: I guess I’m here because I’m worried if I’ll ever have a normal rebtionship with a guy.

In my early twenties I used to drink a lot and have sex with guys I barely knew. I was really promiscuous. But two years ago I stopped drinking. I haven’t had a boyfriend since.

The other night I was at a party. I was talking to this guy. He seemed really nice. But later we were dancing, and he grabbed me and gave me a little kiss. I got really angry at him and left the party. That was the night I decided to come to therapy.

Madeline tells us that she always thinks men are out to use her or take advantage of her.

THERAPIST: When did these feelings about men begin?

MADELINE: Oh, I know where they began. When I was nine and my mother married my stepfather. He sexually abused me for the entire three years they were married. (Starts to cry.) I’m sorry. This is something I don’t usually talk about.

THERAPIST: Where was your mother?

MADELINE: Oh, she was too zoned out on tranquilizers to know what was going on.

Madeline wants to marry and have children, but she is afraid that she will never let a man get close enough to make that happen.

This questionnaire will measure the strength of your Mistrust and Abuse lifetrap. Answer the items using the following scale:

SCORING KEY

1. Completely untrue of me
   
2. Mostly untrue of me
   
3. Slightly more true than untrue of me
   
4. Moderately true of me
   
5. Mostly true of me
   
6. Describes me perfectly