Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (18 page)

But do not get sucked into denial. If your abuser will not change, you have to leave the relationship. We know this may be difficult for you, and again we emphasize that you should be in therapy. You need support for the hard decisions that lie ahead.

8. Try to Trust and Get Closer to People Who Deserve It.
You may have difficulty trusting people, even when they are well-intentioned. This is one of the main ways you maintain the lifetrap. Take an objective look at your relationships. Focus on intimate ones—family, close friends, lovers, spouses, children.

For each person in your life that is not obviously abusive, write down all the evidence that he/she
can
be trusted. Next write down all the evidence that he/she
cannot
be trusted. If you do not really have much evidence of bad treatment, try trusting more. Let down your guard gradually. Try to get closer, and trust people who deserve it.

Patients are often surprised at how little objective evidence they have that various people are worthy of mistrust. This was certainly the case with Frank.

FRANK: Seeing as how the only evidence I really have is that old-boyfriend episode years ago, I’ve decided to try to give Adrienne the benefit of the doubt. I’ve stopped checking up on her wherever she goes. I’ve stopped accusing her of cheating on me. (pause) I’m just so frightened to be wrong. It’s frightening to me, but I’m doing it.

THERAPIST: What’s the effect been on your relationship?

FRANK: It’s definitely better. For one thing I don’t feel on the verge of losing it all the time anymore. I’m not getting as angry. And Adrienne’s definitely happier. She’s getting more relaxed.

I mean I still get flare-ups. Like the other day, she got this call from this guy Bill, whom she works with. I could hear her laughing on the phone, and it really started to bother me. I got into wanting to sneak and listen on the extension. I started getting all worked up, thinking I would hear some clue that Adrienne’s messing around with him. But I stopped myself from doing it. And once I decided not to do it, I felt much better.

In the old days that would have been a fight for sure.

Unless you have surrounded yourself completely with abusive people, there are bound to be
some
people in your life that you can trust.

A therapy relationship may be the best place for you to begin. You can learn to trust in a safe place.

9. Try to Become Involved with a Partner Who Respects Your Rights and Does Not Want to Hurt You.
Examine your intimate partners, past and present, for evidence of abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, get help to stop the abuse or end the relationship. It is most devastating of all to remain with an abusive romantic partner.

Try to recognize the danger signals in choosing future partners. Knowing the danger signals can help you feel confident that you can pick a trustworthy partner. Even if the chemistry is weaker, get involved with men/women who respect your rights and do not want to hurt you.

The greatest stumbling block for Madeline was overcoming her avoidance of romantic relationships. Her conviction that men are untrustworthy was profound.

MADELINE: I’d rather be alone than go through another bad relationship.

THERAPIST: So you don’t believe a relationship with a man can be good.

MADELINE: No, It’s how men are. Deep inside they all want to use you and then throw you away. They just pretend to care to get what they want.

THERAPIST: You sound very angry.

MADELINE: Yeah, I’m angry. I’m angry, I’m stuck, and I’m angry about being stuck.

Madeline believed that the best she could hope for was another painful relationship. With that logic, it made sense to avoid relationships altogether. This is an example of Escape as a coping style.

However, the truth is that there are many people in the world who are kinder than the people in your family. You expect the whole world to be like your family, and you are wrong. You are over-generalizing.

Go through a period of just dating first. Work your way into relationships slowly. Keep a feeling of control. As you get into relationships, make sure you stand up for your rights. Protect yourself. Value yourself highly. It will encourage your partner to do the same.

10. Do Not Abuse the People Close to You.
Do not act out the abusive behavior you experienced as a child on your partner, children, friends, or employees. There is no excuse for abuse.

FRANK: The thing that made me change toward Adrienne most of all was realizing that even though I don’t ever hit Adrienne or anything, my constant haranguing of her and outbursts really were a form of abuse.

If you have been abusing someone you love,
stop right now.
If you cannot stop, get help right away. More than getting caught up in guilt and continuing the cycle, stopping will help you.

We want you to make amends to the people you have hurt. Tell them you realize you have been wrong, and ask their forgiveness. Outline specific ways you are going to change.

Remember your own inner child. It is the best way to keep yourself from becoming an abuser.

The road out of the Mistrust and Abuse lifetrap is long and difficult. But for that reason it can be one of the most rewarding. The road can bring you to what you have always wanted—to love and be loved. Do not live your whole life caught in the lifetrap. Get help to get out. The lifetrap arises from child abuse. You should have no shame about needing help. Reclaim the things that, as Madeline says, are rightfully yours—all the joys that are possible in supportive human relationships.

JED: THIRTY-NINE YEARS OLD. WOMEN ALWAYS DISAPPOINT HIM EMOTIONALLY.

Two things struck us about Jed as he walked into our office for the first time. One was how handsome he looked, and the other was how cold. There was a remote quality to him that was difficult to pierce in therapy. But in that first session he sat down and told us why he was there.

He had been through a series of relationships with women, starting when he was a teenager, but none had lasted longer than six months. The pattern was always the same. Each time he started a relationship, he felt a sense of hope and excitement. He believed that, at last, this was the woman for whom he had been looking so long. Despite his initial strong attraction, inevitably the relationship ended in disappointment. Jed expressed his frustration:

JED: And now, it’s happened again with Elaine. I was sure it was going to be different this time. It was so good at first. But just like with all the others, after a while I started to get bored and dissatisfied. She began to irritate me.

THERAPIST: What did Elaine do that made you angry?

JED: Everything she did made me angry. She didn’t return my phone calls fast enough, she talked to other people too much at parties, she spent too much time with her friends, she spent too much time at work, she didn’t give me an expensive enough birthday present. But mainly she just wasn’t exciting enough. You know, I know she loved me. But she just wasn’t enough. I needed more.

At the beginning of Jed’s love relationships, the chemistry he feels is strong. But he gradually loses his passionate feelings until only a sense of disappointment remains. It is soon after this that the relationship ends.

DUSTIN: TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD. HE FALLS IN LOVE WITH UNAVAILABLE WOMEN.

Dustin described his predicament:

DUSTIN: The same thing keeps happening. I fall madly in love with someone. For some reason, it can’t work out. Like this. (He begins to list on his fingers.) Anne was married, Jessica and Melinda both had other boyfriends who didn’t know about me, Lisa lived too far away, and Gail had just broken up with someone else and wasn’t ready to jump into another serious relationship.

Dustin’s lovers are usually a certain personality type. He is attracted to women who are cold and aloof: „When I meet a woman who is warm and giving, I seem to lose interest quickly.“ The women who keep Dustin’s interest, indeed the women with whom he becomes
obsessed,
are narcissistic, self-centered, and expect much but give little in return. Although they might find it gratifying to be with Dustin because he is so attentive, they seldom want to form a close relationship, and never make a commitment.

Dustin’s relationships are stormy. He goes through ecstasies and agonies. As he grows more angry and frustrated, gradually the woman begins to dislike spending time with him. Finally the relationship ends. Dustin goes through a period of dejection until the whole process starts again with the next woman.

ELIZABETH: FORTY YEARS OLD. EMOTIONALLY GIVING TO OTHERS, BUT MARRIED TO A MAN WHO CANNOT GIVE TO HER.

Elizabeth and Josh have been married for five years. They have a baby boy. Elizabeth is a warm and nurturant mother. In fact, she tends to spoil her son. She finds it painful to hear the sound of his crying, and rushes to fill even his slightest demands.

ELIZABETH: Before the baby was born, I worked as a social worker. But I gave it up to stay home with Danny. My life revolves around that baby. My time with him is blissful.

But I am so unhappy with Josh. He is so cold. It is like trying to get water from a stone. I knew he was like this when we got married, but I hoped he would change. But really it has just gotten worse.

Josh is an executive in a large corporation. He works long hours and travels all over the world. Elizabeth spends many nights and weekends home alone with the baby: „Even when Josh is home, it is not much better. He’s preoccupied with his work and seems uninterested in spending time with me.“ Elizabeth suspects that he is unfaithful to her on his business trips. She is in a constant state of anger. On the rare occasions that they are together, she spends most of the time complaining and reproaching him. Ironically, her anger just serves to push Josh further away.

Jed, Dustin, and Elizabeth all have the Emotional Deprivation lifetrap. If you have this lifetrap, you have a deep and fixed belief that your needs for love will never be met.

The questionnaire below will help you decide how strongly you have this lifetrap. Rate each item using the following scale:

SCORING KEY

1. Completely untrue of me
   
2. Mostly untrue of me
   
3. Slightly more true than untrue of me
   
4. Moderately true of me
   
5. Mostly true of me
   
6. Describes me perfectly
   

If you have any 5’s or 6’s on this questionnaire, this lifetrap may still apply to you even if your score is in the low range.

INTERPRETING YOUR
EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION
SCORE

10-19 Very low. This lifetrap probably does
not
apply to you.

20-29 Fairly low. This lifetrap may only apply
occasionally
.

30-39 Moderate. This lifetrap is an
issue
in your life.

40-49 High. This is definitely an
important
lifetrap for you.

50-60 Very high. This is definitely one of your
core
lifetraps.

The experience of emotional deprivation is harder to define than some of the other lifetraps. Often it is not crystallized into thoughts. This is because the original deprivation began so early, before you had the words to describe it. Your experience of emotional deprivation is much more the
sense
that you are going to be lonely forever, that certain things are never going to be fulfilled for you, that you will never be heard, never be understood.

Emotional deprivation feels like something is missing. It is a feeling of
emptiness.
Perhaps the image that most captures its meaning is that of a
neglected
child. Emotional deprivation is what a neglected child feels. It is a feeling of aloneness, of nobody there. It is a sad and heavy sense of knowledge that you are destined to be alone.

When Jed first came into therapy, he could not really tell us what was disturbing him. At first he said things like, „I feel alone,“ „I feel detached.“ Later he told us that he has experienced such
intense
feelings of loneliness and disconnection that he has considered suicide.