Remember (11 page)

“Fights?” I tried to picture him taking a swing at someone. It seemed as odd as if he’d told me he could fly.

He nodded. “Not my finest hour. I’d find an excuse to get mad. It felt like a release—suddenly it was okay to start whaling on someone. I was so mad that everything Marcus was,
everything he would have brought to the world, was just gone.” He snapped his fingers. “Just like that.”

“What happened?”

“My football coach. He pulled me into his office. I was sure he was going to yell at me for getting suspended because it meant I couldn’t play for a week.”

“You were on the football team?” I don’t know why I was surprised. He was built like an athlete.

Neil flexed his arm. “Running back. We were almost state champions when I was a senior.”

“Really?” I was impressed. I never hung out with the jock crowd. They were a foreign species to me. I liked that he had these unexpected sides, that there were things about him that I didn’t know.

“No. Well, unless you count being third from the bottom in our division, nearly state champions.”

I punched him lightly in the shoulder. “No, it doesn’t count.”

“My coach was used to having a team that was underfunded. He told us it wasn’t important if we won; what was important was that we tried our best to win. That stuck with me. He knew we weren’t ever going to be the champs, but he kept after it. Anyway, he pulled me into his office and told me I had a choice to make. I could run around being a dick and waste my life, but that didn’t do me any good and it didn’t do my brother any good. He said I had an obligation to do some
thing with my life. I had to do the work of two to make up for the loss of my brother.” Neil sighed. “That’s when I got into all the social justice stuff. I decided I had to do something that really mattered.”

I felt tears in my eyes. I let my leg press against his so he would know I was there. “I think your brother would be really proud of you, but you don’t have to do twice the work. That’s not fair.”

“Hate to be the one to bust your bubble, but life isn’t fair.” He smiled at me. Our eyes locked. I couldn’t look away. It felt as if every nerve on my skin was hyperaware of him. I could feel where we touched. Our hands. Our thighs side by side on the bench. Our shoulders. The heat between us soldered us together. His breath was on my face. My heart skipped in my chest. He leaned forward and I leaned to meet him, our lips millimeters apart.

What was I doing? I pulled back, yanking my hand out of his. I closed my eyes. It was as if his gaze had some type of magical property that was intoxicating. I was dating Josh. I’d dated Josh forever. What I felt for Neil was something else. Maybe it was the excitement of someone new or the fact that he was helping me, but I had to get control. I had questions about if I wanted to be with Josh, but that didn’t mean I could go around kissing other guys. Right?

“I’m sorry,” Neil said. “I shouldn’t have—”

“No. I’m sorry.” The last thing I wanted was to talk about it.

“Must be all this sun. Messes with the brain.” Neil got up and put some distance between us. The air felt cool on my skin where we had touched. He fumbled with his backpack. I realized I was staring at his hands, the long fingers and how they looked capable and strong. Like he could build things. I forced my gaze away.

“I should get back,” I said. “I’ve got a double date tonight.”

“Sure.” Neil looked at his watch. “If we hurry, we can catch the next ferry.”

We got on the bike and pedaled back toward town. I told myself that Neil was right. It was just the combination of fresh air, sunshine, and the conversation, but I couldn’t even convince myself. I wanted things with Josh to be sorted out. For someone to wave a magic wand and either make things between Josh and me right again or magically get me on the other side of the breakup so I could miss all the ugly parts.

chapter nineteen

T
he movie theater smelled like scorched popcorn. I took that as a bad omen. It wasn’t as if I’d expected it to be a fine dining restaurant, but when the menu only requires them to make hot dogs, nachos where the cheese comes out of a pump, and popcorn, you sort of expect them to get that much right.

Kyle and Josh walked over to where Win and I had saved seats. “I got you plain M&M’s,” Josh said, handing me the bag.

I looked down at the bag, disappointed.

Josh raised an eyebrow. “What? You always get M&M’s.”

He was right. I always did. He didn’t even have to ask. So why did I suddenly want something else? Hot Tamales, or a Kit Kat bar. Anything.

“Still full from dinner,” I mumbled.

Kyle handed Win a tub of popcorn. “Extra butter, two shakes of salt.”

“Did you make sure they put the real butter on, not the butter-flavored oil?” Win inspected the bucket with a wary eye.

“Would I let my girl eat oiled popcorn?”

Win flushed. She moved her purse so Kyle could take the seat next to her and the two of them started talking. Josh flopped down and pulled out a bag of gummy bears. He always got gummy bears. Sometimes they would stick in his teeth with bits of orange or red goo wedged in there.

“Want one?” He held the open bag to me. “Normally I don’t share, but I don’t want Kyle to show me up.” He cocked his head toward Win and Kyle. Kyle was holding a giant paper cup so Win could have a sip. She giggled and took a drink. “Seems like things must be going well for those two,” he whispered to me. He didn’t need to whisper. Even though they were right next to us, they were only paying attention to each other.

“If it wasn’t, he’d have that straw shoved up his nose so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him.”

Josh snickered. “Remember when that guy on the debate team at Central High grabbed Win’s ass last year?”

I snorted. We’d been at a tournament. Win was a brilliant debater. She could be a future lawyer if she wanted. The guy from Central had come up behind her and made some comment about how he loved a woman with such a great mouth and then whacked her on the ass.

Win had turned around slowly. People in the room could practically feel the temperature in the hall drop by a few degrees. Some people from our school took a step back as if they expected Win to blow him up right where he stood using only the power of her mind.

“Funny. I like a man with a good mouth and one who knows what to do with his hands. ’Course, those who don’t know must be reduced to randomly groping strangers and hoping for the best.” She froze him with a look. “Let me be clear. Touch me again and I’ll use this mouth to scream assault so fast it will make your head spin.”

His friends laughed at him. “Bitch,” he spat at Win.

She laughed. “Bitch? That’s the best you can do? No wonder you’re ranked so low in debate.” She leaned forward into his face. “Honey, was that supposed to upset me? You know who never gets called a bitch? The quiet girl in the corner who doesn’t say peep and lets the whole world walk over her. Some of the women I admire most in the world get called bitch, so I’m going to take what you said as a compliment.” She waved him off with a waggle of her fingers, her bright red nails winking in the light, and then walked off as the crowd of students around her applauded.

“Kyle is a brave man for taking her on,” I said to Josh.

“Brave or madly in love. Maybe a bit of both.” Josh popped a few more gummy bears in his mouth. I told myself that the sound of his chewing was not annoying me despite the wet
smacking noise he was making. “He’s going to ask her to prom,” Josh said.

I spun in my seat to face him and lowered my voice to make sure they couldn’t hear me. “Really? Already? Prom isn’t for another two months.”

“I think he wants to nail down the deal before someone else asks her.”

I glanced over at the two of them. They were already slouched down in their seats, their hands in the popcorn bucket.

“We should check into a limo rental. See if we can get one other couple to go in with us. There would be room, and it will keep costs down. If Michael and Molly can manage to keep from breaking up every two weeks, they would be an option.”

“For prom?” I asked.

Josh gave me a look. “It seems a bit much to take a limo just to go to McDonald’s. Yes, prom.”

“I guess I didn’t know we were going,” I said. Josh’s face showed his disbelief. “I mean, we hadn’t talked about it.”

“I didn’t think I needed to formally ask you.” Josh sat up straighter in his chair. “Are you considering other offers?”

“No.” I could hear the annoyance in my voice. “But it wouldn’t kill you to not assume that you don’t even have to ask.”

“Don’t worry. Lately I don’t assume a thing.” He looked away.

I felt like pointing out that he’d assumed I’d want M&M’s,
but that seemed so petty I couldn’t even say it. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I don’t know what’s going on with you. You’re always busy. You never want to hang out.”

“Never? Don’t you think that’s a bit extreme? Let me think . . . it was so long ago that we last hung out. It was, gosh, yesterday.” When I’d gotten home from the stable yesterday, I’d come in the house to find Josh and my dad splitting a pint of ice cream in my kitchen. Just two guys releasing the stress of a busy day at work. My dad had gone upstairs to his office and Josh and I had done our homework together.

“You know what I mean,” he said.

“No. I don’t.” I pushed away the image of bike riding with Neil. Why had that felt so different? When had what I felt for Josh turned into this mess? I was more interested in hearing from Neil about going for coffee than I was about the idea of going to prom with Josh.

I hadn’t heard from Neil since the day we went to the island except for a two-line e-mail from his school account saying he was following up on our project and would let me know when he found anything. Not that I’d expected him to write me some kind of love letter. I’d pretty much leaped in the opposite direction when he tried to kiss me. He must have thought that I hated him. “We saw each other yesterday and again tonight,” I said.

“You blew off your appointment at the clinic the other day,” Josh pointed out.

I clenched my teeth. It wasn’t enough I had to hear it from my parents? My dad had made another appointment for me to get checked out by one of his doctors. I’d ended up getting stuck late at school working on a group project for my government class. It wasn’t my fault. Was I supposed to be blamed for bringing down everyone’s grade to make an appointment I didn’t even want?

“I had to do the Student Senate project,” I said. “It went way later than expected. Holly Garandy’s in my group. She’s incapable of doing anything quickly; you know that. She’s a walking example of OCD. She checked everything we did six times.”

“You shouldn’t take advantage just because it’s your dad. There are people on wait lists to get those appointments.”

I felt my face tighten, my expression freezing into place. “Excuse me? He’s my dad. Who are you to say I’m taking advantage of him?” My voice came out clipped and sharp.

Win kicked me. I realized the people around us were listening in. Kyle was staring at the screen as if he were fascinated by the advertisements that were scrolling by.

“Sorry,” I said softly to Josh.

“This is what I meant earlier. Everything I say is the wrong thing.”

I suddenly felt like crying. “It’s not that it’s wrong. I’m on edge, a bit cranky, that’s all.” But it was the wrong thing. Our relationship was falling apart, but neither of us knew how to end it.

“But that’s why your dad wants you to see someone. It’s not like you to be this—” His voice broke off. I could tell he’d been about to say “bitchy” but had thought better of it. “You’re not usually this on edge. He’s worried about you. I’m worried about you. You’re not your usual happy-go-lucky self.”

“Maybe sometimes you have to be in a bad mood to really appreciate the good moods,” I said.

Josh put his arm around me. “I don’t believe that.”

I pushed down the urge to tell him that of course if he didn’t believe it, it must not be true.

“Sorry for ticking you off. I didn’t mean to hassle you about your dad.”

“I know. I’m sorry about getting pissy.”

“Best part of fighting is the makeup nookie,” Win said, and both Kyle and Josh laughed and I tried to join in, but it sounded weak.

Win squeezed my arm. “You okay?” she whispered.

I didn’t even know how to answer.

Josh pulled me closer as the previews flickered to life on the screen, the Dolby sound booming over the theater, making the seats vibrate. “You know I love you, right?”

I didn’t answer. I was sure I would start crying if I did. Instead I nodded. I leaned my head on his shoulder and let the movie images wash over me and wondered what was wrong with me that it didn’t seem like enough anymore.

chapter twenty

O
ur school trustee board must have been entirely made up of hoarders. I’d never seen any of their houses, but I was willing to bet they were the kind of places where you had to squeeze through pathways in the junk, where thousands of takeout containers had been saved, there was no running water anymore, and there was the very real possibility that at the bottom of a pile of junk there would be a squished, mummified cat.

I based this theory on the appearance of our school storage room.

“I think they have every copy of the school paper,” Win said. She peered at the stack in the corner. “There are bins filled with them. I bet they date back to the eighteen hundreds. Who keeps that kind of thing?”

“It’s possible that nothing has ever been thrown away in the entire history of this school,” I said. “There’s a shelf in the back with canned goods on it. The mystery of why hot lunch is so bad has at last been answered. The food is from the Eisenhower administration.”

Win kicked a box. “How the hell are we supposed to find a bunch of dance decorations in all of this?” She sneezed. “There’s most likely some kind of deadly mold spores in here.”

“Is there a reason we can’t get new decorations?” I pushed past a rack of dusty choir robes.

“My exact question to the school board, but I ended up getting a lecture on the importance of not wasting school resources. Apparently, before they’ll approve any money for the prom committee, we have to make a list of what existing stuff we can use.”

I had zero interest in being on the prom committee. Win had volunteered me. I couldn’t tell if she was punishing me for something, or if she’d thought I’d actually want to do it. We had to pick a theme and location by the end of the week. People were walking up to me in the halls and giving me their deep thoughts on which theme was the best choice, Silver Fantasy (what the heck did that even mean, anyway?) or Southern Nights. Both sounded stupid to me, but despite my being on prom committee, no one was asking my opinion.

“Found ’em,” Win called out. I joined her across the room. She pulled out a few Rubbermaid containers labeled
DANCE DECORATIONS
. She popped the top off one and rolled up her sleeves. “There’s a bunch of stars in here.” She held one up. “They’re silver. If we go with that theme, we could stick them everywhere, maybe dig some white Christmas lights out and wrap them all over everything. There are some tea lights in here; those would work with either option.” She shifted through the contents of the box. “Whoa, check this out.” She pulled out giant bright red plastic lips that were molded into a kissing position. “You have to wonder what sort of theme that was for.”

“Porn Prom,” I suggested. Win giggled. “Maybe they have some other body parts or one of those inflatable dolls buried at the bottom.”

“Only if we get lucky,” Win said.

I opened up the next container and started to pick through for anything that might be useful, wasn’t already completely trashed, or hadn’t been eaten by vermin. If anything scuttled out of one of these boxes, I was going to run first and ask questions later. I sighed. The whole thing seemed like a waste of time.

Win stopped picking through her box of decorations and stared at me. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ranking this as a highlight of my high school career or anything, but you’re acting like this is some kind of painful dental procedure. Aren’t you excited about the dance at all? It’s prom. These are the misty watercolor memories you’ll look back at fondly when you’re old and peeing in your own pants.”

“You always know how to make anything sound good.” I dropped a starfish-and-seashell streamer (Undersea Adventure theme?) back into the box. “I don’t know. I guess with everything going on lately, it’s hard to get too worked up about prom.”

“Prom, or going with Josh?” Win asked. She made a face when she saw my shocked expression. “You don’t think he’s the only one who’s noticed, do you? That junior girl, the one who is in all the advanced chem classes? She’s practically praying a novena you two break up in time for Josh to both get over you and then fall madly in love with her before the dance.”

My brain scrambled to think of who she was talking about. “The girl with the sort of hipster glasses and dark hair?” Win nodded. “Why does she think we’re breaking up?”

“Because it’s crystal clear things are off with you two. You used to be hooked at the hip. Now you practically recoil when Josh gets close to you.”

“I do not.”

Win put her hands on her hips. “Good relationships don’t come along all that often, you know. Look at my parents.”

“Josh and I are not turning into your parents.” I tossed a few decorations out of the box.

Win glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. “It’s your relationship. I’m just trying to figure what you’re up to.”

“I’m not up to anything.” I couldn’t even talk to Win about things without her rushing to defend Josh. It would be
one thing if I’d believed it was because she really thought we belonged together, but the truth was she’d made Josh and me into her proof that true love existed. It wasn’t fair.

Win shrugged and went back to the box of decorations. She pulled out a silk top hat and put it on. “This is grand. I might keep it. I doubt they’d notice it was missing.” She tipped the rim up. “You can say you’re not avoiding him, but you’re acting weird around him. I might go a bit more global and say you’re acting weird in general, but around him it’s more noticeable.”

“I know you want me to be with Josh forever, but I can’t promise that’s going to happen. We’re going to different schools next fall, and it feels like we’re already heading in different directions. I think we have been for a while. I’m not saying we will break up, but I’m going through a lot now.”

“Does ‘a lot’ happen to be a freshman at the local community college and go by the name Neil?”

My mouth fell open. “What?”

“Don’t look at me like I’ve gone barmy. Look, if things with you and Josh can’t be worked out, I think that sucks, but if you want to have any kind of ongoing friendship with him, you can’t cheat on him. That’s my problem. You’re better than that. You need to respect what you guys had even if you don’t want it going forward.”

I threw my arms up in the air. “I’m not cheating on Josh.” My heart winced. I hadn’t technically done anything that
counted as cheating, but I’d have been lying to myself if I’d said I didn’t feel anything for Neil.

“You talk about this Neil guy all the time.”

“I do not,” I insisted.

Win rolled her eyes. “We can play this game all day if you want, but if you ask me, you should see someone about your denial issues.”

“I’m not in denial. If I talk about Neil a lot, and that’s
if
, then it’s because he’s been helping me out with all the research.” I could feel this lie piling on top of the others.

“And the reason you asked him versus, say . . . oh, I don’t know, let me think.” Win tapped her foot as if she were trying to chase down her train of thought. “Oh yes, why not ask the guy you’ve been dating for two years? Who, more than that, has been your friend. Wouldn’t he be the one most likely to want to help you out?”

I sighed. “Of course I think Josh would want to help me, but he’s not exactly coming to the situation unbiased. He thinks my dad is the best thing since sliced bread, and he’s not going to do anything to blow that internship. It’s his ticket to college. I can’t expect him to approach the problem with fresh eyes.”

“So you figure that the guy who believes his brother died because of Neurotech is unbiased?” She crossed her arms. “I don’t know him, but you should be careful. You don’t know what his angle is. He could be using you to get information or something.”

“Neil would never do that.” My voice came out hard.

“Don’t get your knickers in a knot with me; I’m stating the obvious. And the reason you’re mad is because you know I’m right. You don’t know him that well. He might be a nice guy and he might not. As your mate, it’s my job to make sure someone’s looking out for you. Even if you don’t seem to want my help.” She looked at my face and then took a step closer. “You don’t know him that well, do you?” She took a step to the left to make sure she was still directly in front of me when I tried to turn away. “Just how much time are you spending with this guy?”

I’d wanted to avoid telling Win about how often I’d seen Neil for just this reason. “Easy, Sherlock Holmes. No need to get out the waterboard and resort to torture. When I met him about the picture, we went over to Bainbridge Island for a few hours.” I shrugged to show it was no big deal. Win didn’t break her stare. “And I saw him a few other times for coffee so he could give me updates on what he’s been doing.”

“Pretty cozy.”

“It’s not like that.” I shifted uncomfortably. “Okay, he kinda made a move, but I shut it down. He’s fine with being friends.”

“Kinda? Do you hear yourself?” She pulled a roll of silver streamers out of the box. “If you like him, that’s your business, but don’t fool yourself. There’s something going on between the two of you. You need to figure out if it’s that you like him, or if he’s a distraction from everything going on, or if you’re
looking for an excuse to break up with Josh. But you shouldn’t lie to Josh while you sort it out. Be with him or don’t, but don’t play games.”

I pushed away the box. “I don’t
know
what I want with Josh. I am doing my best to sort it out. It’s possible that two people could simply grow apart without it being some big drama or betrayal.” I wanted to tell her not everyone was her mom, but I knew that wouldn’t go over well.

“Maybe that’s the problem. There’s no reason to break up with him, so you’re looking for a way to make him do it. You’re going to have to work a lot harder if you want it to happen. He’s crazy about you. He’s not going to give up without a fight.”

I sat down on the Rubbermaid container, suddenly exhausted. “I know. I don’t want him to give up.” I rubbed my forehead. “Maybe I do. I don’t know.”

Win sat down next to me. “What’s bugging you? Is the whole thing where he’s in love with your dad driving you nuts?”

“Yes. But that’s not new. He’s a great friend, but I don’t know if what I feel for him is enough. But at the same time I don’t want to lose him in my life; he’s one of my best friends. I don’t want to let go, and I don’t want to hang on. Then everything he does seems to drive me crazy lately. I should like that he and my dad get along, right?”

“It beats him and your dad hating each other.” Win sighed. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Ever since I had that treatment, everything feels screwed
up. It’s the dreams, and the feeling that there’s something my parents aren’t telling me, but it’s more than that. It’s like my old life suddenly doesn’t fit. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. Maybe that’s why I like hanging out with Neil. He’s not part of the past, so I don’t have to worry about how he fits in with the old.”

“Fair enough, but you can’t string things along. Or Josh, for that matter. You could turn around one of these days and discover that you don’t have to worry about fitting things into the past because the past has picked up and done a runner.”

“I’m not stringing Josh along.”

Win got up and brushed off her uniform skirt. “Whatever.”

I watched her rifle through the boxes. She flipped her braids over her shoulder. “Now you’re mad at me?” I asked her in disbelief. She didn’t turn around. She continued to pull the silver stars out of the box. “I can’t believe you’re annoyed about this. When did you become Josh’s mom?” I knew she was right that I was out of line, but it was her job to support me, not judge me.

Win spun around. “This isn’t just about Josh. This is about you. You’re cutting him out altogether because he’s so biased.” She made finger quotes in the air when she said “biased.” “I’m not sure what excuse you’ve found for not including me in things.”

“I include you,” I protested.

“And that’s why you told me all about Neil.”

I gave an exasperated sigh. “Don’t make this into something it’s not. You’ve been busy with Kyle.”

Win’s nose twitched. “Are you saying this is my problem?”

“I wasn’t the one who said we had a problem to start with.”

“Fine. Then tell me why you’re blowing off prom.”

“I’m not blowing it off. I’m in this stupid storage room looking for decorations, aren’t I? Despite the fact I didn’t volunteer; you did that for me.” I kicked the box closest to me. “What am I supposed to do, spin in circles, skip through fields of flowers?” I clasped my hands under my chin. “Golly, I’m so excited.”

Win’s eyes narrowed. “I thought you would want to be involved. It’s the biggest dance of high school. Our last big blowout before graduation. Even if you didn’t go with Josh, we’d still go together. Now I know you’ve got much more important things to do, like saving the free world along with your Rebel with a Cause.”

“Biggest dance of high school? Do you hear yourself? I’m glad you’re falling for Kyle, but don’t tell me you’re going to turn from cynical into a Hallmark card. Excuse me if I don’t get all lathered up about a stupid high school dance,” I said.

Win crossed her arms over her chest. “It’s a big deal to me. It’ll be the first time I’ve ever gone to a dance with someone I love.”

Her words hit me like a shot, shutting me up for a split second. “You’re in love with Kyle?”

She shook her head like she couldn’t believe how slow I was on the uptake. “Yes. You don’t have to look so shocked. He told me he’s in love with me, too.”

“You didn’t say anything,” I said.

“I tried. Every time I talk about him, or anything else, you mumble something and stare off. You’re not interested. The only thing that matters is what’s going on with you.” She bent over and gathered up the pile of decorations she’d pulled out of the boxes. “I’ll let the rest of the prom committee know you’ve quit.”

A wave of guilt washed over me. “I’m not quit—”

Win waved off what I was going to say. “Don’t do us any favors. It’s obvious you don’t want to be bothered. You’ve made it clear you think the dance is stupid, so don’t bother wasting your time on doing anything for it.”