Remember (14 page)

chapter twenty-four

J
osh was there in less than twenty minutes. He always looked out of place when he came to the barn. He wanted to like horses because he knew it was important to me, but you could tell he felt uncomfortable. To him they were like really large dogs that didn’t sit and stay on command. It didn’t help that Harry had bitten him once when he was feeding him a carrot. Josh was more a lab or living room kind of person.

He knocked on the lounge door and poked his head in. He seemed to sense the mood in the room and shifted nervously in the doorway. Win patted me on the knee as she got up.

“I’ll leave you two so you can talk,” Win said. She grabbed her stuff off the table.

“Why don’t we all get some dinner?” Josh shoved in his hands into pants pockets. I could tell he wasn’t interested in
being alone with me. “We can talk over some Thai food,” he suggested.

“No can do, I’ve got nonoptional family time planned. My nan in town means a command performance. She’s not quite the royal family, but she likes to think she is. The queen must be obeyed.” Win blew kisses at both of us. When Josh turned his head, she gave me a firm nod before walking out.

“What’s going on?” Josh asked.

I blew out my breath in a slow stream. “I’m not really sure where to start.”

“Looks like you and Win made up.”

“I think so. I wasn’t being a great friend to her.” I swallowed. “I haven’t been a great girlfriend to you, either.”

Josh crossed the room and sat next to me. “It’s okay. I know things aren’t going well. Losing Harry. Feeling off since the procedure. I still feel really guilty about that.”

I felt my heart tighten in guilt. “Don’t apologize. It was what I wanted.”

“All the more reason I should have stopped you. You were depressed.” He squeezed my hand. “I know it’s been rough, but things are going to get better. Your dad has you set up to see Dr. Delaney. The guy’s a genius. If there’s anything wrong, he’ll sort it out.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me.” I felt a ripple of annoyance. He was going into problem-solving mode again, like he was going to sort out all my silly little worries.

“Of course not. You’re perfect.” He smiled. “Just have him check it out, give you a clean bill of health.”

I inched back so we weren’t so close on the sofa. I was starting to feel claustrophobic. “You don’t understand. What’s happening to me isn’t something wrong. They’re memories. I’m recovering memories.”

“Memories. Sure, it could be.” Josh kept his voice calm and even. The way people talk to the elderly or really young. He was just playing along with me. “I’m sure it feels like that.”

I pulled my hand back. “It doesn’t feel like that; it
is
that.” I got up and grabbed my bag off the table. I rummaged through and pulled out the picture. I passed it over to him. “This photo isn’t a feeling. It’s real.”

Josh glanced down at the picture.

“It’s a woman named Robyn.”

“Okay.”

“I’m pretty sure she’s my mom.”

Josh’s eyebrows scrunched together. “What are you talking about?”

“She was married to my dad until I was nine years old. She’s the woman that I’ve been seeing in my flashbacks.”

“I don’t understand.” Josh stared down at the photo. He turned it over as if the answer might be written on the back.

“Join the club. My best guess at this point is that after she died, my dad wiped my memory.”

Josh blinked rapidly, as if he were trying to clear something
from his eyes. “He wouldn’t do that; it would be too risky. Unethical.”

I almost felt bad for him. He seemed more crushed than I’d been. The idea of my dad lying was foreign to him. It was like someone had told him for the first time that Santa wasn’t real. “He must have done it. How else can you explain it?” I didn’t want to be cruel, but I needed him to see it.

Josh stood and started pacing back and forth in front of the window that looked down on the practice ring. He’d pause as if he were about to say something and then start pacing again. I could practically see the wheels in his brain turning as he tried different theories and then rejected them. “How did you find this? Was it that guy?” he asked.

“His name is Neil.”

Josh waved away my words. “Whatever. Was he the one who gave you the photo?”

“I know you don’t trust him—” I started to say.

Josh cut me off. “The question is, why do you trust him? I checked him out, you know.” He nodded when he saw my look of shock. “That’s right. He has a criminal history.”

“For what?”

“Does it matter for what? He has a record.” Josh crossed his arms.

I refused to let him take me off track. Neil had told me he’d been in fights after he lost his brother, he might have been busted for that or for protesting, but none of that mattered.
Josh was focused on the wrong things. “Neil didn’t give me the photo; I found it in my house. I also checked the information he gave me myself. The marriage license between Robyn and my dad is public record.”

Josh spun away from me and started pacing again. “There has to be a reason for all of this. We must be missing something. It’s like trying to put together a puzzle when you don’t have all the pieces. When we have everything, it will make sense. We should talk to your dad.”

I grabbed his arm and made him stop. “No.”

“He’s the one person who will know—”

“I said no. I’m not talking to my dad until I have more information. I’m also not seeing that doctor until I know what’s going on. I’m only telling you to see if there’s something that I’m missing.”

Josh stared at me. “You can’t think your dad would do something to you. He’s crazy about you. You’re his daughter.”

I sat back down on the sofa and buried my head in my hands. “I don’t know what I think anymore.” Whatever I thought I knew about my dad, my family, my entire life, was now uncertain and shaky.

Josh crouched down in front of me. “We’ll figure it out together. You know you can count on me, right?”

My throat felt tight. “Josh, that’s something else we have to talk about.”

“Don’t.” He took both of my hands. “Don’t make any deci
sions when you’re upset; you can’t know what you want when you’re like that.”

The sad thing was I was now surer of what I wanted than I had been in a long time. “This isn’t anything you’ve done; it’s me.” I hated that I was saying the most clichéd breakup line ever. “I know I’m not being a good girlfriend right now.”

“That’s okay.” Josh swallowed hard, and I could see his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. “Being a couple means understanding that there are ups and downs. I don’t mind carrying a bit more of the load now while you focus on other stuff.” He gave me a halfhearted smile. “I’m a guy, but I’m not so clueless that I think it’s all about me all the time.”

I hated this conversation. “You’ve never acted like it’s all about you. That’s not the issue.”

“Then what is the issue?” There was a hint of sharpness in his voice. His jaw was tight. I could tell he wanted to ask if it was Neil, but he wouldn’t say the words.

“I don’t know who I am right now. Everything I thought I knew is upside down.” I thrust the photo in his face. “I don’t even know who my real mom is anymore. It’s possible everything I knew before the age of nine is completely made up.”

“What I feel for you isn’t made up. It’s real.” Josh thumped his chest with his fist.

“I know. I don’t doubt that you love me.”

“You just doubt if you love me back.” His eyes were filled with tears, but he didn’t cry.

I longed to tell him exactly what he wanted to hear. I wanted to throw myself in his arms and tell him we’d be together forever, but I couldn’t. “It’s not black-and-white. I love you. You’re one of my best friends. But somewhere along the way that’s what we became. Friends. I don’t think we should go—”

“Stop.” Josh stood up. “Don’t say it, okay? Don’t say you’ll always love me and hope we can be friends. I can’t stand the thought of you saying that.”

“The last thing I want is to hurt you,” I mumbled.

“Then don’t.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Look, I get it. You’re going through this awful thing and stuff is messed up. No wonder you don’t know what you want. But you don’t have to make a decision right now. You don’t have to throw away what we have. It’s been good, right?”

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

“Then, let’s not break up. We can just . . . put things on hold. You need some space. I can give it to you. We’ll take a step back.” He took a large step back as if to show me what he meant. “Just don’t break up with me unless you’re sure. We’ve been together a long time. I’ll give you space if you promise not to give up on us.”

“Okay.” My voice came out almost as a whisper. I knew I shouldn’t back down. Things between us weren’t going to change, but I didn’t have the guts to insist.

Josh’s face showed instant relief. He knelt down and hugged me. “I love you, and I’m here if you need me.” He pulled back
when he felt me stiffen. “Sorry. No problem, no more hugging for a while.” He waved his hands to show how much space was between us. He stood up and started looking around the room. He grabbed a small notebook that sat on the counter by the phone. “Consider us officially romantically on hold. But just because we’re on hold doesn’t mean I can’t help you.” He started making a to-do list. Josh loved a good list. “I’ll check at work to see if there are any records of you ever being in the clinic before and also if there are any records of anyone having bigger chunks of their memory wiped.”

Josh tapped the pencil against his lower lip while he thought of other things he could do. Win was right; he would think of what I should do next. I knew I should feel relieved to have him on my side, but instead I just felt sad.

chapter twenty-five

T
he first time I kissed Josh, I cut his lip open. In fairness, I’d only kissed two other people before him, so I wasn’t exactly well practiced. In fifth grade my best friend at the time double-dared me to chase Tyler Winters on the playground and kiss him. I wasn’t the kind to back away from a dare. She held him down while I planted one on him. He acted like he was grossed out, but I was pretty sure he liked it. In eighth grade I kissed Brian Inversoll. I knew he liked it because he got an instant hard-on. It was difficult to say who found that more awkward, him or me.

I found out Josh liked me in a roundabout way. His friend Chris asked Win what I thought of him. Win cleverly dodged the question to give me some time to consider the idea. She and I sat on the radiator in the second-floor girls’ bathroom
and dissected Josh’s positive and negative traits. The more we talked about him, the more attractive I found him. Even things I hadn’t been too sure about, like the way he wore his khaki uniform pants a bit too high and baggy, seemed sort of endearing. It was only later that I found out that his mom bought his uniforms secondhand, so getting a great fit wasn’t always an option.

We kissed for the first time at the fall dance in the hallway outside the gym. We’d already danced two slow songs together, and I knew when he offered to buy me a Diet Coke from the machine that it was less about refreshment and more about being alone. I was really nervous. I was afraid that all the dancing, combined with the packed gym, had made me sweaty. I tried to catch a whiff of my own pits as I followed him out into the hall. I was also mad at myself for not having taken a Tic Tac when Win offered one to me. Now that we were getting ready to kiss, I was afraid my breath smelled like monkey butt.

Josh took my hand and was mumbling something about how nice I looked. I could feel the thump of the bass from the music in the gym keeping pace with my heartbeat. I knew he was nervous too, and in an uncharacteristic burst of confidence I decided to go for it. I leaned in to kiss him at the exact second he closed his eyes and bent to plant one on me. Our mouths slammed together, and Josh cut his lip on his teeth.

We got better at the kissing thing. Although I’d kissed two other guys, I tended to think of Josh as my first. He was the one
where I figured it out. Where kissing felt natural, versus having a hyperawareness that someone else’s tongue was in my mouth. We were going to be at different colleges next year, and while we’d avoided talking about it in detail, we both understood it wasn’t going to be easy. Even though the logical side of my brain grasped the odds, I’d never been able to imagine him not in my life.

I sat on my bed going through a shoe box I had of stuff we’d collected together. Movie tickets, Valentine’s Day cards, notes passed in class, the ribbon from the corsage he’d given me last year at the spring dance. I picked up a framed photo, the two of us sitting on a log at a bonfire down on the beach. Josh had his arm thrown around me, and we both smiled up at the camera. There was no doubt I liked him, but did I love him? I knew deep down I didn’t, at least not like I used to, but I couldn’t say when I’d stopped. I didn’t think that being in love meant every moment had to be head over heels, but it seemed that at least some of it should be.

My phone rang. I recognized Neil’s number. He’d called earlier in the day and I hadn’t called him back. I was sure if I spoke to him, the first words out of my mouth would be how Josh and I were on a break. That would leave both of us wondering:

A) What exactly did I mean by “taking a break,” and

B) Why did I feel the need to tell him?

“Hey.” I shoved the framed photo of Josh and me back
in the box as I answered the phone. I couldn’t talk with him looking up at me.

“Can you meet up with me?” Neil asked.

My heart skipped a beat. “Now?”

“It’s important. Remember where we had that big talk?”

“The parking lot by—”

“Don’t say the place, but yes, there. Meet me inside that store.” Neil hung up without saying anything else. I stared down at my phone. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to see him and to face whatever he had to tell me now. I sat on the edge of the bed. I shouldn’t go. I should call him back and tell him it was too late, or come up with another excuse. I needed time to sort out how I felt about Josh. Seeing Neil was going to confuse things, and the last thing I needed at this point in my life was any more confusion.

My foot beat out a fast pattern on the carpet. Why would I start doing the smart thing now? I grabbed my bag off the floor and left a note for my parents before running out the door.

* * *

I walked in the grocery store and looked around but didn’t see Neil. I was standing at the entrance when suddenly a cart bumped me lightly from behind. When I spun around, I realized it was Neil wearing a sweatshirt and a baseball cap shoved down low. “Anyone follow you here?” he asked out of the side of his mouth.

“Um. I don’t think so.”

“Grab a cart and meet me in the produce section.” Neil walked a few steps to the side and pretended to take an interest in a display from the floral department.

I hesitated for a minute and then went outside to get a cart. When I got back inside, I saw Neil in the produce section looking over some bananas. I parked my cart next to his.

“What’s going—” I got out before Neil held up a finger indicating I should be silent.

“Look at the fruit, not at me,” he said. I raised an eyebrow. “In case someone is watching.”

“You think someone’s following you?”

“Yes. Maybe you, too.” He must have been able to see my disbelief on my face. “Someone was up at the college asking about me. Asking some of the people I go to school with if they’d seen us together.”

“Who—”

Neil grabbed some bananas and wheeled away. “Dairy case in two minutes.”

I stood there staring down at the fruit. A woman reached past me to grab a bunch of bananas and I peered over at her. Was she spying on us or just trying to make sure she got her five servings? The woman ignored me and moved on. She was either really good at acting casual or she had zero interest in us. I pushed my cart up and down the produce section for a minute and then stood over the different types of cheese on display.

Neil pulled his cart so that he was standing behind me, fac
ing the other direction. “There’s more. Someone from Neurotech complained to the police department that I vandalized their building,” he said.

My brain scrambled to catch up to what he was saying. “I don’t understand.” I turned to face him, but when he shot me a look, I spun back around and focused on the Brie cheese. He pulled his cart around so he was standing next to me.

“They say I set a Dumpster on fire. The police were very clear: I was very lucky that the company was not choosing to file charges, but this was my final warning. If I’m caught on the grounds again, if I’m found ‘nosing about,’ they will come after me.” He caught my eye. “I didn’t do it. I didn’t set anything on fire.”

There wasn’t a cell in my body that doubted him. “Neurotech is covered in security cameras. They can’t claim something that isn’t there.”

“Thought of that. Apparently, the footage was accidentally erased, but a guard is willing to testify he saw my face.” Neil wiped his hands on his pants and looked around. “If it ever went to court, who are they going to believe? Me? I’ve been open about how I feel about the company. They’ll bring up my brother and say it’s a long-term grudge. They’ll point to my history of protests and say I finally went too far. No way anyone would think they were setting me up.”

“Why would they lie about you being there?”

“The police made it pretty clear. I’m not to get near Neurotech or you.”

My mouth clicked shut in shock. “Me?” I squeaked.

“Yep. The officer mentioned you by name.”

I gripped the handle of the cart. “A bunch of the security guards at Neurotech are former cops. They could have called in some favors. It might not have been an official police visit.”

“Their guns and uniforms looked pretty official.” Neil’s eyes darted around. “Cereal aisle. Also, put something in your cart; it looks weird empty.”

I walked along an aisle and dropped a few random things in the basket. I pulled out my phone and pretended to be checking a list. I could use the reflection on the screen to see if there was anyone behind me. No one seemed to be following me, but I didn’t have a clue how I would tell unless they were holding a giant
I AM FOLLOWING YOU
sign.

Neil was waiting for me in the cereal aisle, pretending to compare the ingredients between two different boxes. He put them back on the shelf when he saw me. “I don’t think anyone has followed us here, but I still think we should be careful. They’re serious about not wanting us to be in touch. The cops that came by knew my school schedule and address. They’d done their homework. Someone should have told me that you were the kinda girl to get a guy in trouble. My mom warned me about your type. Wrong side of the tracks and all that.”

I tried to match his lighter tone. “Here I thought you were the rebel bad boy.”

Neil pressed his hand to his chest. “Me? Heck no, that’s
just an act. I do it to get women. Chicks dig bad boys.”

“Chicks, huh?” I raised an eyebrow. “Hordes of them, I imagine.”

“Have to beat ’em off with a stick, but like I said, I’m just putting it on. You’re the dangerous one.” He poked me in the side with his elbow.

He was joking, but I could tell having the cops talk to him had thrown him. If they moved forward with pressing charges, he could be in real trouble. “I’m sorry I got you mixed up in this,” I said.

Neil shrugged. “It’s okay.”

I stared at him. “Why?”

He wrinkled up his face in confusion. “Why is it okay? I dunno, I’m pretty mellow. Could be a knight-in-shining-armor thing. Liking to help out the damsel in distress.”

“No. Why are you helping me?” I realized I was practically holding my breath and made myself exhale normally. “I think I’d be the kind of person you would hate.” I tried to explain. “You know, my family. The fact that we have money. What my dad does. Why bother with me at all?”

“Remember the first time I saw you?” He smiled. “Your friends were trying to get you out of the school parking lot because there were all these protestors and the journalist chasing you down, and ninety-nine-point-nine percent of people would have been terrified, but when I dared to imply your dad wasn’t a stand-up guy, you gave me a piece of your mind. I liked
that you stuck up for your family. You had this core of steel.”

“Turns out I might have put too much faith in my dad.” I sighed. “I’m always doing that, assuming things will be fine.”

“That was another thing.”

“What, that I tend to be delusional?” I tossed a box of Frosted Flakes in my cart. “My friend Win says I’m terminally positive. Like having Mary Poppins around all the time.”

“I like it.” He stared down at his hands. “After my brother died, I decided that the world was shit. Why was my brother in the accident to start with? Then, how bad must things have been for him to want to die? Why did this have to happen to my parents? And it wasn’t just our family. How come companies get away with polluting? Heck, not just polluting, but making massive profits while they do it. There are people who hurt kids or torture animals just for kicks. Most politics are corrupt. People use religion to spew hate. Hell, then there’s the whole earth turning against us; climate change should pretty much kill off what’s left on the planet at some point, and you can’t even really argue that we wouldn’t have it coming.”

“But we can still do something about all of that stuff. We don’t have to accept it,” I argued, leaning forward on my cart.

His smile widened. “And that’s why I liked you. It doesn’t seem to matter how shitty things look; you find something good in all of it. I want to think the world can be a good place, but you believe it. It’s more than that: I need to believe that the world isn’t all bad, and I think you might be able to help me with that.”

I thought about what he said. “I do believe it. But it’s different now. Things aren’t as clear as they used to be. It’s like I want to have faith everything will work out, but I don’t see how.”

“Some things won’t work out.” He looked around, and when he saw we were alone in the aisle, he touched my arm. “I’m not saying things with your dad are going to turn out bad, just that not everything turns out with a happy ending. But some things do. That’s what hanging around you taught me.”

“And what are you going to teach me?” I asked.

“That it’s possible to get through the bad stuff.”

I stared at him and then leaned forward.

Neil pulled back. “I thought you didn’t want—”

“I want,” I said. He didn’t pause again; we both leaned forward and kissed.