Remember Jamie Baker (28 page)

“Jamie?” Ryan’s worried voice rang out in the silent room. He clicked on a flashlight and pointed at me. I was lying on top of the unconscious marine. At least, I hoped he was only unconscious.

In the dim light I glanced up at Ryan, then around the wrecked room at the cracks in the walls, and then at the shocked faces of my team members, and grimaced. “Sorry. I can pay for that.”

Somebody snorted. The laughter was exactly what I needed to break me from my shock. I listened for a heartbeat in Harper’s chest, and when I found none, I immediately called up my energy again. “Oh, no. No way. You’re not dying on me now.”

I had no idea if this would work, but I didn’t have a set of defibrillators and I refused to be a murderer.

“Jamie, what’s wrong?” Ryan asked when my eyes started to glow again.

“Stay back!” Placing my hands over Harper’s chest, I steadied myself and took a deep breath. “If I could stop his heart with a bolt of lightning, I can restart it with one, too.”

At least, I really, really hoped so…

“Come on, Marine,” I muttered, sending up a silent prayer to anyone listening as I released a blast of electricity into his chest.

I waited a second, and just when I was about to hit him with another blast, a small sputter thudded in his chest, singing to me like the most beautiful concerto I’ve ever heard. “Harper!” I cried when the man coughed.

He moaned and I grabbed him up into my arms, overwhelmed with relief that I’d not killed him. Well, not permanently. I squeezed him so tightly that he groaned again and a small laugh shook his chest. “Easy, Angel, don’t crush me. It’d be a pity to die now after all that.”

A half hysterical laugh bubbled out of my chest, and I let him go. He sat back and grinned at me. “Not that dying in your arms would be the worst way to go.”

I laughed again. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I owe you one, Angel. Those bastards took me from my post over four months ago, and it’s been driving me crazy. I’m more than ready for some payback.”

Major Wilks beat me to the million-dollar question. “Then, you know where Donovan is?”

Harper shot the major a smile that I would not like to be the cause of. Donovan was a dead man. “Oh yeah, I know where he is. And who he’s working with, how many people are at his base, all of the soldiers injected with the strength serum, what the security is like, and I have all of the entry codes. I have all the information you need to plan an attack and take him out, once and for all.”

The ACEs all burst into
a chorus of whoops and cheers. Ryan’s relieved voice rang out above them all. “This is perfect! With this information, we don’t have to send Jamie in at all now.”

My head whipped in his direction at superspeed. “Excuse me?”

He was too excited to notice my anger. “Babe, we know where he is. With the information we’ve got, the military can plan a proper attack. They can do a full-scale invasion if they need to. We don’t have to involve you at all.”

I couldn’t believe he expected me to stay behind after everything I’d done and everything Donovan had done to me. “You seriously want to cut me out?”

Ryan shook his head. “You’re not a trained soldier. You’ve done so much to help already. You’ve put your life at risk enough. You probably have another concussion after that hit you just took.”

I was sure I did. And maybe a few bruised ribs, too—not that I was going to bring that up right now.

“Let the pros take it from here. It’s what they’ve been trained to do. You’ve earned a break.”

If the lights hadn’t already exploded, they’d be flickering in and out right now. I didn’t want a break. I wanted to nail the monster who was stealing people and controlling them to do his dirty work.
I
wanted to.
I
wanted to get Teddy back, since it was my fault he’d been captured, and I wanted to get my memories back.

Ryan, as knowing as ever, gave me an apologetic smile. “I’m not trying to exclude you, Sunshine. It’s simply the practical solution, and I want to keep you safe. I’ll even stay back with you. I’ve only been enlisted for six months. I’m barely a soldier at all. I’m not ready for any kind of battle. We can stay with Geek in the command center and oversee everything as the guys go in.”

“He’s right, Angel,” Major Wilks said. “Your help has been invaluable to us, and we’re grateful for all you’ve done, but we can take it from here.”

Logically, I understood. They were right that I wasn’t trained. But the words felt like betrayal. They
hurt
. It sucked to be sidelined because I was useless. I felt like a teenager being forced to sit at the kid table for Thanksgiving dinner.

“And the superthugs?” I asked, willing my voice to remain steady. I didn’t want anyone to see how upset I was, though I suspected they all knew anyway. “Won’t you need my help with them?”

Johnny G stepped forward, grimacing as if he knew I was going to hate what he had to say. “We have the advantage here. We’ll be able to form a plan to take them out without them ever knowing what hit them. We’ll gas the whole building or something, and put them all to sleep before they ever know we’re there. If something goes wrong and a fight breaks out, well, we’re trained for that type of thing, but hopefully we can go in, detain everyone, fix the people controlled by the nanobots, and sedate anyone juiced up on the strength serum until it leaves their system. We get the bad guys, save your friend and the other PACs, and nobody gets hurt. Everybody wins.”

Everyone, except me. “And my memories? Donovan is the only person who can help me. He’ll never give up that info if he’s captured. Can’t I just go in alone, and then you guys come get me? I know how to fix the nanobot situation now. He can’t control me. But if I play my cards right, he might reveal his secrets about my memory before you guys come in and wipe them out.”

Each and every one of them shut my suggestion down instantly, making me feel as if a brick wall had been slammed down between us. None of them even thought about it. Their refusal was followed by looks of pity that had become so familiar to me over the last six months. Major Wilks voiced what they were all thinking so that no one else would have to be the bad guy. “It’s not worth the risk, Angel.”

I closed my eyes against the sting of tears. “Not to you, maybe.”

“Jamie…” Ryan’s voice was so soft it nearly made me crumble. “It won’t be like Visticorp. They aren’t going to destroy the place. We’ll comb through Donovan’s research. We’ll find the answers you’re looking for.”

“And if we can’t? He’s light years beyond us. Geek can’t even come close to cracking Teddy’s microchips. Or what if Donovan is killed in the fight? What if his technological advances die with him? What then? He’s the only one who can help me.”

I knew the answer, even though no one answered it.

Ryan sighed. “Try not to be so pessimistic, Jamie. Everything will turn out all right somehow. You’ll see.”

That was easy for him to say. It wasn’t his entire past on the line. Or his future. None of them truly understood what it was like to have no memory. None of them could ever possibly grasp the full agony of my condition. How it affected everything. They were all ganging up on me, just like my family had, and once again Ryan was leading the charge.

Water welled up in my eyes, and a few tears spilled down my cheeks.

“Sunshine, please don’t cry. It’ll be okay. I promise.”

Ryan stepped forward with open arms, as if he expected me to walk into them and let him hold me, but I moved back, out of his reach. Hurt flashed across his face. I hated being the cause of it, but I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want him to comfort me right now. I was angry, frustrated, and just plain
jealous
.

“
Of course
you think it’ll be okay!” I snapped. “Because it doesn’t matter to you if I don’t get my memories back.” I cast an angry glare around the circle of men watching me. “It doesn’t really matter to
any
of you if I don’t get my memories back. And why should it? You’ve got your bad guy. You’re getting your other PACs back.” I looked at Major Wilks. “You’ve got your precious
asset
because, let’s face it, you and I both know I won’t be able to say no the next time you need my help.” And to Ryan, I added, “And you found your missing fiancée.”

“Jamie…”

I shook my head. This time his soft voice, so full of understanding and concern, was not going to make me feel better. “You
all
have what you want. And once again, all I’ve got is a situation that’s out of my control, no hope, and a suffocating amount of pity.”

It was twice as hard to feel so hopeless after I’d had so much promise. I’d seen a solution, and now it was being ripped away from me. I swore I’d never be so helpless again, and yet here I was. And what for? Because Major Wilks and Ryan told me it was safer this way?

Forget that.

Grabbing all of my courage, I pulled my shoulders back and stopped playing the victim. “No, thank you.”

My comment threw everyone off guard. Either that, or it was my sudden calmness.

Eyes frowned. “I’m sorry, did you just say, ‘no, thank you?’”

I gave him a sweet smile and a nod to answer his question.

“What do you mean, ‘no, thank you?’” Johnny G asked.

“Babe, what are you thinking? I know that look. It’s not a good look.”

Ryan got a dose of my sickly sweet smile next. “I’m sorry, Ryan. Major Wilks, I understand your concern, and I’m touched by it, really. But my safety, my future, and what I do with
my
life is not your call to make.”

Ryan sucked in a sharp breath through his nose, starting to understand where this was going. I ignored him and gave all of my attention to Major Wilks. “I just realized that I can never truly be an ACE because, ultimately, I’m going to do what I think is best in any situation. I make my own choices. I can’t promise to always follow your orders, no matter how much I respect and even trust you. I
know
that now. So thank you for your offer to join your team, but I’m afraid I have to decline. I’ll keep in touch, so feel free to call me if you ever need my help again. If you can forgive me, that is.”

“Forgive you for what?” Major Wilks asked.

Ryan already knew. His face was stark white. “Don’t do it, Jamie.”

“I have to.”

I took his hand in mine and felt his desperation in the way he clung to me. He pulled me close and leaned his forehead against mine. “You’re wrong,” he whispered. “I may have found my fiancée, but I don’t have what I want any more than you do.”

“I know, Ryan, and I’m so sorry. But don’t you see that’s why I have to go? You are the
perfect
man. Maybe it’s crazy, but I’m already falling for you. I know exactly why I fell in love with you before, and I want that love back.”

Ryan slipped his arms around my waist, and his lips curved into a small smile as he squeezed me against him. “That doesn’t sound crazy to me, babe.”

I refused to fall for his charm no matter how tempting he was. “Of course it doesn’t. Because you still see me as
her
. To you, I’m still the girl who let you put your ring on her finger all those months ago.”

“That’s not true.” Ryan pulled his head back so that he could look straight into my eyes. “You’ve been more comfortable with me than you have with your parents or Becky. Haven’t you?”

He was right, but I frowned, wondering where he was going with this.

“It’s because I treat you like
you
when they’re still treating you like her.”

I gasped, trying to regain some of the breath his words had just stolen from my lungs. He was one hundred percent correct, and when he put it that way, I could see the difference. He really did see me differently than the Jamie Baker he knew before. He’d always claimed he did, but I hadn’t believed him. I hadn’t seen how it was possible.

Ryan’s smile turned rueful, and he brushed his thumb across my cheek when I blushed. “Sunshine, I’ve known since you gave me my ring back and explained what it meant to you that I was not dealing with the same woman who left me. I came to terms with that about two minutes later when you asked if we could be just friends, because I realized that even though you weren’t the Jamie I’d been searching for, you were still everything I wanted in a woman.”

Oh! Oh, swoon. Curse him for being such a freaking sweet talker! I was supposed to be making him see things from my perspective right now so that he’d understand why I had to go. Instead, I was three seconds away from begging him for my engagement ring back. UGH. HOW DOES HE
DO
THAT?

“Ryan, I—”

He cut me off because he wasn’t finished. Obviously. Because he hadn’t said so many romantic, sweet, perfect, heart-melting things to muddle what was left of my brain for all eternity.

“Finding my fiancée hasn’t mattered to me since we landed in Colorado, because it’s not Jamie Baker I’m in love with,” he insisted. “It’s
you
I need. If you need to be April O’Neil, or just Angel, or someone entirely new, I don’t care. I just want
you
.
Please
, Sunshine, what else can I do to convince you of that?” I wasn’t the only one trembling now, and when he whispered his nickname for me as if I truly were the sunshine in his life, a new wave of tears spilled down my face.

It was now or never. Because, suddenly, I wanted to stay. I wanted to forget everything and give him what he wanted—me. Whoever that was. But I couldn’t, because I knew what would happen if I did that.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. He eagerly accepted the kiss and sucked in a breath when I ended it much too soon for him. “You
have
convinced me, Ryan.”

He froze, waiting for me to continue. Either he really did know me that well, or he was simply too afraid to let himself believe that he’d gotten his way. I hated that I was about to crush his hope. “I believe you now. I know you love me.
This
me. The amnesiac me who doesn’t even know herself. And I love you for that, but—”

Ryan sucked in a breath so sharp I wondered what I’d done to hurt him. Except he didn’t look like he was in pain. His gaze fell to my mouth, and he swallowed so thickly I shivered. “You just said you love me,” he whispered.

“I—” My jaw fell open.

As I scrambled to recall the last thirty seconds of our conversation, he chuckled. The laugh was deep. Husky. He squeezed my waist and slid his hands up my back until they were tangled in my hair. “I heard it loud and clear.”

“I heard it, too!” Tyson chirped, startling me.

I’d completely forgotten we had an entire team of elite soldiers watching us. Ryan had magically sucked me into his own private world where no one existed beside him and me.

“We all heard it,” Johnny G said, grinning a smile that made my face heat up.

Geek grimaced, as if he felt sorry for me. “You definitely said it.”

I finally managed an eye roll for the ACEs, but no matter how much of my senses I’d just gained back, Ryan disarmed me all over again when I looked back into his eyes. “No takebacks,” he said, bringing back the intense mood with those two whispered words. “You love me, Jamie. Angel. April. Whoever you are.”

I think he was waiting for me to deny it, but as soon as I realized I’d said it, I knew it was true. There was no point in arguing. “You’re right. I do.”

It was nice to know that I was capable of surprising Ryan every now and then. And I’d certainly shocked him with that confession. His stunned expression was so adorable I felt compelled to surprise him even more. “I love you, Ryan. Heaven help me, but I do.”

Ryan kissed me and then grinned. “Good. Then stay with me, babe. Don’t risk your life for your memories. I promise you, we don’t need them.”

I shook my head, my good mood bleeding out of me again. “You don’t, but I do.”

Ryan’s smile crumbled. “Why? If we love each other, why do you still need her?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Because I need to be free of her.” I broke away from Ryan’s hold and put a few feet of space between us. “Thank you for being able to let go of Jamie Baker and accept me as I am now. You have no idea how much that means to me. But, Ryan,
I
can’t let her go. I keep trying, but she haunts me. I can’t help comparing myself to a ghost. I second-guess everything I say, do, or think. I constantly feel vulnerable, confused, and just…broken. I need my past, and hearing stories isn’t enough because I hate that I can’t remember it. I’m jealous of the memories that everyone I used to know has.
My
memories. Maybe that’s selfish and petty, but it’s a wedge between my parents and me, and with Becky, and even with you. I’m so afraid that if I can’t let go of my past, it’ll drive me away from anyone who knew me until one day I have no one left and you and I are as bitter toward each other as Teddy and I were by the end. Ryan, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose my parents or Becky, either, but you saw how it’s going with them. I
need
this.”