Remember Me: Oakville Series:Book Two (22 page)

“Princess, I’m so—” I cut him off before he can finish. Right now is not the time. I don’t want to hear his apology or excuse or whatever he is going to spew from his mouth. There are more important issues that we need to deal with.

“Not now. Please. Dr. Monty is here to explain to us what’s going on.” He nods his head sadly, but I’m still too pissed to feel sorry for him.

“The infection is spreading faster than I’ve ever seen. We have to deliver the babies now.”

“What are the babies’ chances of survival if they are born now?” I ask, hopeful that by some slim chance something has changed since earlier.

“I know this is hard to hear, but they won’t survive,” Dr. Monty states, his voice brittle.

“Can’t I just wait until I’m closer to twenty-five weeks? You can just give me more antibiotics,” I plead, trying to grasp at any possibility.

“That’s not possible. The babies have been infected for too long already and so have you. If we don’t deliver them soon, the infection will kill you. There’s nothing we can do for the babies, but we can help you,” he presses, his voice turning stern. I’m on a one-way street without exits and turning around isn’t possible. Can I really keep moving straight ahead, knowing what awaits me could very well destroy me?

“Can you at least put me to sleep when you take them?” He looks at me strangely. “You are doing a C-section, right?”

“We can’t do a C-section because of the infection. You’re going to have to deliver them normally. I know this is a lot to take in all at once. I’ll give you guys a little time to talk it over. We don’t have too much time to waste, though. I’ll be back soon.” With that, he turns and walks out of the room. I can’t do it. There’s no way I can deliver my babies knowing I’ll be killing them. What am I going to do? I gaze around the room at all of the faces watching me intently. What are they all thinking?

“I can’t do this. If I deliver the babies, it’s like I’m killing them. I won’t do it!” I’m starting to get a little frantic now, crying hysterically. How can they expect me to do this? Holly and Becky come and sit on each side of me. Becky holds my hand, comforting me without words. Holly’s a different story.

“Now, you listen and you listen good. I know you want to protect your babies, but you heard the doctor. There is nothing more you or the doctors can do. You have fought harder than most people ever could. You are not killing them. But if you don’t go through with it, you’ll be killing yourself. That’s not something I’m willing to let happen. There are too many people in this room who love and need you. We’ll help you get through this,” she says in her no nonsense voice. As much as I know she’s right, it’s still difficult. I’m their mother. My job is to protect them. Doing this goes against every instinct in me to do anything necessary to keep them safe. Even if that means dying for them. I finally gather the courage to look at Kyle and I immediately wish I didn’t. He’s so pale. The expression on his face can only be described as lost. He’s frozen, just staring into space like he’d rather be anywhere but here.

Paul notices me watching, waiting for Kyle to snap out of it. He walks up to him and slaps him in the back of the head. Kyle turns around, trying to figure out what brought that on and Paul nods in my direction. That seems to snap him back into reality. Holly and Becky move to the other side of the room with everyone else as Kyle kneels on the floor next to me. He looks into my eyes, almost like he’s searching for something. For what, I have no clue. For the first time, I see just how much this is hurting him too. He takes my face in his hands and smiles sadly.

“Princess, I love you and our babies. I don’t want to lose them either, but we can get through that and deal with it together. There’s no way in hell I could ever get over losing you. I need you too much. Please, baby, you need to do this.”

No one understands what this is like for me. A mother is supposed to protect her children no matter the consequences. How can I let them die to save myself? I don’t know if I can. A huge part of me will die along with my babies, but will I ever be able to go a day without feeling like I’m to blame? Will Kyle ever look at me the same again? Or will he blame me, too? I will never be fine again. There’s nothing that will make this situation okay. I know the time is coming because the contractions are becoming stronger and more frequent. I need to make a decision. “Fine,” is the only response I can manage. I need this to be over quickly. As if on cue, Dr. Monty walks in with a parade of medical staff behind him. There are six or seven nurses, three of them wheeling in those big baby incubator things. Then there are two Neonatologists. For a second, as Dr. Monty tells me who all of these people are, I get another wave of hope. Why would they have the incubators and Neonatologists if there weren’t a chance? I quickly squash that little glimmer of hope when it’s explained to me that our babies could live up to several hours and will need to be kept comfortable. I pray that they won’t suffer in any way. I just couldn’t handle watching that.

I feel like I’m trapped inside my own body, like I have no control over myself. It has to be all of the different drugs they’ve pumped into me since I’ve been here. On the outside, I look calm, like I’m handling this perfectly. But, on the inside, my heart is being ripped from my chest.

My feet are in the air and there are a dozen or so people in this room, but I could care less. Normally, I would be mortified. I look around to see how everyone else is. Of course, Holly, Becky, and Taryn all have tears streaming down their faces. They all must think I’m a cold-hearted bitch. I want to cry. I need to cry, but I can’t. No matter how hard I try, I can’t shed a single tear. Before I know it, Dr. Monty is ready to get started. As soon as he starts speaking, I find it difficult to breathe.

“Okay, Amber. I need you to push as hard as you can until I tell you to stop,” Dr. Monty instructs.

I open my mouth to answer him, but nothing comes out, so I nod in confirmation. I push with everything I have, while Holly, Becky, and the nurses encourage me along. Kyle looks like he’s completely checked out.
Must be nice.
When Holly gasps, my attention is directed back to what’s important.

That’s when I see her. My heart hurts so badly when there are no cries from her. If I weren’t listening so intently, I would’ve missed the barely audible whimper that comes from her tiny little body. Everything going on around me totally fades away, she is the only thing I can see. The Neonatologist looks her over, then a nurse cleans her and wraps her in a pink blanket and brings her to me. I’m not sure what I was expecting them to look like, but it wasn’t like this. She’s so tiny. The top of her head rests at the tips of my fingers while her tiny little toes touch my wrist. I can’t help the smile that escapes when I notice the head full of dark hair. Her skin is paper thin, so much so, you can almost see through it. Her poor little face is black and blue. She’s had it the roughest over the last several weeks and it shows all over her face. No matter though, she is still the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. For a moment, I let myself pretend that I don’t notice how difficult every breath is for her. I pretend that she can open her eyes and they are a beautiful blue just like her daddy’s. Holding her as close to me as I can, I gently kiss her face.

“I love you, sweet girl. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you.” Before I can say anything else, a nurse takes the baby. I feel another contraction and know it’s time to push again. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the nurse try to hand the baby to Kyle. He won’t even look at our baby girl. He hightails it away from the nurse like our baby has a disease he doesn’t want to catch. Paul and Angel both stare daggers at his retreating back. Then, Paul takes the baby from the nurse. I’m so thankful at that moment for him. He’s doing what I can’t and what Kyle won’t. He’s comforting our daughter in what are probably her last moments. He looks over, sees me watching him, and winks. I mouth, “Thank you,” and he smiles.

It doesn’t take long before they are handing me my son. He’s as tiny as his sister, but doesn’t seem as fragile. His face isn’t black and blue, but is still paper thin. I touch his little hand and he grabs a hold of my finger tightly. He’s strong like his daddy. He has the same dark hair. I have only a few short minutes to tell him how much I love him and to kiss him before it’s time to deliver our second daughter. The nurse tries to hand the baby to Kyle, but he just moves away again. I can’t help the hurt and disappointment that washes through me. Again, another man is doing Kyle’s job. Angel holds onto my son, talking to him in a soft, gentle voice. I don’t think he and Paul realize the gift they’ve just given me.

The third baby is delivered and the nurse puts her in my hands. She is just as beautiful as her brother and sister. As I hold my daughter and tell her how much I love her, I notice the medical staff speaking in hushed tones at the foot of my bed. I start to feel lightheaded and my eyelids are suddenly very heavy. When a nurse quickly takes the baby from me and another starts to unhook wires and monitors, I know something is wrong. But, I can only think of my babies.
Why are they taking them from me?
I’m just about to demand for them to give me my babies back when I notice the look of panic on everyone’s face and quick movements. My head spins as my eyes roll. All of the sounds from the people around me become muffled. What the hell is going on? My eyes keep closing and I’m fighting with what little strength I have left to keep them open. I need to know what’s happening.

“Amber,” Dr. Monty says loudly. He’s right in front of my face, trying to get me to focus on him, but I’m so dizzy, everything becomes blurry. “We can’t get the last placenta to come out on its own. It’s causing you to hemorrhage. We need to take you down to surgery so we can remove it.” I know this is serious, but I can’t leave my babies, they need me. I try to open my mouth and express this, but I’m too weak. I manage to turn my head enough to look for my babies. Paul and Angel are still each holding one, while Holly hold my other daughter. The rest of our friends are looking over their shoulders, waiting for their turn to hold our precious babies. My body relaxes at the sight. If they can’t be with me, at least I know they are being loved and protected. I don’t, however, see Kyle. I turn to look as best I can around the room. Confusion sets in when my eyes spot him. He’s at the opposite end of the room, sitting in a chair with his head bowed, staring at the floor. I don’t have time to analyze him because they quickly start to wheel me out of the room. I notice Beasley in the hall as they wheel me by.

“Hey is that my daughter? What’s happening? Is she okay?” He sounds so scared. I manage to grab ahold of his hand for only a second as they race my bed by him.

I
WATCH
them wheel her out of the room and realize I never told her I love her. I am such a mess and it’s making me screw up royally. Everyone looks at me like they want to rip my head off. Sitting in this room, surrounded by my friends, I feel like an outsider. They are all taking turns holding the babies and I can’t even bring myself to look at them. I want to, but I can’t. It hurts too much. So much more than I thought it would. I have no idea how Amber is as strong as she is. I should be holding her and making sure she knows I’m here for her.

“Mr. Connor, we’re going to have to take the babies soon. Are you sure you don’t want some time with them before we do?” a nurse asks me. She’s very nice and I know she is only trying to help.

“I can’t. It’s too hard to deal with as it is. It will be even worse if I see them and hold them. I’m sorry. I just can’t.” I put my head down because I can’t stand to look at her or anyone else. I’m so ashamed of myself for feeling like this. What’s wrong with me? I fell in love with them the second Amber and I knew about them. I wanted these babies so much. The idea of losing them was hard enough when I couldn’t see or touch them. Holding them in my arms and seeing their faces, it would break me. There’s no way I could come back from that kind of heartache. Amber has proven to be the strongest person I know. I was expecting her to need me to take charge and hold her together; however, she was the most together person in the whole room. That left me without something to occupy my mind and breaking heart. I was lost. I’m still lost.