Remember Me: Oakville Series:Book Two (24 page)

“I wish I could’ve reached his face.”

“Oh yeah, that would have been awesome. You really doing okay? Well, as okay as you can be anyway?”

“I’ll be okay. It will just take some time,” I tell her, hoping if I say it enough, I might actually believe it.

“I know you will. Is there anything I can do for you?” I know she’ll do anything for me, but can I really ask her to do this for me? It’s an awful lot to ask of her. I don’t think I can do it myself though. “What is it, Amber? You can ask me anything.”

“There’s one thing, but I will totally understand if you don’t want to do it. I don’t think I can.”

“Jesus, woman, spit it out already.”

“Can you go down to the funeral home and find out what needs to be done to plan the funeral?” I ask as I look out the window. I can’t bear to see the pity that I’m sure is all over her face. I haven’t got a clue as to what needs to be done to plan a funeral. When my grandparents passed away, they had everything already set up and paid for. I just had to make a phone call. Aside from that, I’m just not strong enough to handle it right now. Falling apart in front of my family and friends is not an option so doing it in front of strangers is definitely a no go. I have to keep up the strong front so that no one is left picking up the pieces of poor Amber’s messed up life again. They have all done it enough lately. It’s my turn to be strong for them. This loss hasn’t affected only Kyle and me, all of our friends are feeling it just as much as we are.

“Of course. Becky and I talked about that last night, actually. We planned on asking if you wanted us to set it up for you. We thought we could set everything up then you and Kyle can just look it over and approve it or make whatever changes you want.” As always, these girls are taking care of me.

F
OUR DAYS
. I’ve been stuck in this damn hospital for four days. I’m ready to get the hell out of here. Dr. Monty came in this morning and after my exam, said I was okay to go home. He told the nurse to discharge me. That was three hours ago. What could possibly be taking so long? I called Kyle after I spoke with the doctor to tell him to come get me. To my surprise, he’s too busy with inventory at the bar. He can’t leave to come get me so he’s sending Angel instead. I’m not sure what to make of the distance he’s putting between us, or how to deal with it. On one hand, I want to scream, throw punches at him, and ask him what he’s done with my loving husband. On the other hand, I understand that people grieve in their own way and this may possibly be his. If that is the case, how can I fault him for it? I do know he’s hurting just as badly as I am. I can see the pain every time our eyes meet. It would be so much easier for us both if he could let me comfort him instead of pushing me away.

“Hey there, baby girl! You ready to blow this joint?” Angel’s carefree voice tears me from my thoughts. I love Angel, but I really wish Kyle were the one standing in front of me, wanting to make me smile and ready to break me out of this place.

“Yes, I am. As soon as these asshats bring my discharge papers.” I’m already dressed and ready to go.

“Leave that to me,” he says with a wink as he walks out the door. I have no doubt he’s out there sweet-talking some poor, unsuspecting nurse right now. I shake my head and smile at the thought. Poor girl won’t know what hit her.

Fifteen minutes later, I’m being wheeled out the door to Angel waiting outside his SUV. I should have called him hours ago. After we’ve been driving a little while, I get the feeling that Angel has something to say. Even though I’ve been staring out the window, I’ve felt him glancing my way.

“I’m not gonna pretend that I have a clue as to what is going on in Kyle’s head right now. The way he’s acting isn’t right, though. He’s got all of us pretty damned pissed at him for it. I do know that he loves you more than anything and whatever has got him being an ass is all him . We are all here for you if you need anything. Eventually, he will get his head out of his ass and realize he’s been a complete dickhead.” Sounds like he is fighting the same dilemma I am. I know there’s a reason he’s acting the way he is, but it also doesn’t excuse his behavior toward me.

“Thank you. I appreciate everything. He’ll come around. He just needs some time.” At least, I hope he’ll come around.

Pulling up the driveway to the house, I’m both happy and nervous to be home. I am hoping to see Kyle’s truck, but it doesn’t surprise me that it’s not here. Angel helps me out of the car and grabs my bag. I unlock the front door and we go inside. Everything looks the same as it did when I left. Why I was thinking it would be different when I walked in, I’m not sure. Maybe because I’m different. I’ve changed. I always pictured the day I would come home from the hospital after giving birth to my babies. I imagined Kyle by my side, both of us smiling because we are so happy, with three beautiful bundles of joy in tow to introduce to the world. This is not the beautiful, happy picture I had in my head. No Kyle by my side. No smiles. And worst of all, no babies.

“Let me help you upstairs. Holly will be by in a little while with some lunch.” He stops and looks at the clock. “I guess we missed lunch. She’ll be bringing dinner.” Angel’s trying so hard to make everything as normal as possible for me, even though he knows there’s nothing that is normal in my life right now. I allow him to help me upstairs and into my bed. I have really missed my comfy bed.

“Can I get you anything?”

“No, thank you. I might take a nap. I’ll be okay. I’m sure you have better things to do than babysit me.”

“I’m not babysitting you. I’m just here to make sure you relax and follow doctor’s orders. Take your nap, I have a ton of texts to return from some female...ah...friends,” he says as he wiggles his eyebrows. I can’t help but laugh.

“Then go ahead and make yourself at home. I’m just gonna try to rest a little.” He kisses the top of my head before walking out of the room. Closing my eyes, I try to fall asleep.

Thirty minutes later, I’m still not able to sleep.
I might as well go keep Angel company.
Slowly, I get out of bed. As I start walking down the hall, I get to the nursery and stop. Knowing this is not a good idea, I still can’t help it. I push open the door and walk in. Looking around, my heart breaks. Why is this happening to me? To us? Falling to my knees in the middle of the room, I cry. I cry for the pain I feel in my chest that fills the space where my heart used to beat. It was once overflowing with happiness, now there’s nothing but this sharp stabbing pain. I cry for the three beautiful babies that will never take their first steps or say their first words. I cry for the canyon that seems to be between Kyle and me right now. There’s no stopping the tears or the river of emotions flowing through me. I’m sad at all we’ve lost and all we’ll never get to experience. I’m angry, really angry. Angry at myself, my body for failing to do the one thing it was made for. I’m angry at God for allowing this to happen after I prayed and begged for him to help keep them safe. And most of all, I’m angry at Kyle for not being here when I need him the most.

Strong arms wrap around me from behind and pull me back against a rock hard chest. I assume its Angel and don’t bother to open my eyes. I just let out all that I’ve been holding in the last four days and let him hold me. I’ve tried to be strong, to hide my emotions, but I just can’t do it any longer. It hurts too badly.

“It’s okay. Let it all out. I’ve got you,” Jax says in a calming voice. I ignore the small part of me that has been suspicious of him for so long now. At one time, he was my best friend. The only one I could confide in. Right now, I need the friend he used to be. I allow him to hold and comfort me.

“I don’t know if I can take this. I wanted them so much, Jax. Why did this have to happen?” Thankfully, Jax knows I don’t need him to answer. I just need to get all of these feelings out. Keeping all of this inside in order to be strong for everyone else is building up like a pressure cooker. I have no idea how long we sit there on the floor, me crying while Jax comforts me, but I start to feel a little relief.

M
Y HEART
hurts so badly. It’s not like I’ve never had to deal with death. I’ve lost my father and Amber’s grandparents, but this is just so different. These were my children, my babies who never had a chance to grow. It hurts so much worse than anything I have ever experienced before. Unfair is the only word that seems to play over and over in my head. This whole thing is unfair to me, to Amber, but most of all, to our babies. I don’t know how to handle this. To say I’m doing a terrible job is an understatement. Facing Amber, seeing the hurt and fear in her eyes, kills me. I can’t seem to face her. Husband of the year is not coming my way any time soon, but for the life of me, I can’t bring myself to be the man I need to be for her. She has always been my first priority, she still is, only this time I’m not able to set aside my own pain, grief, and guilt long enough to take care of hers.

The thing I’m most scared of, the thing that eats away at me every waking minute, is that I’m to blame for all of this. She is going to hate me and that’s the one thing I really can’t bear to see in her eyes. What kind of man, husband, and father am I? I’m supposed to care for and protect my family. That’s my job. My purpose. I failed at that miserably. I was helpless to stop any of this from happening. My children are gone and I didn’t protect them, didn’t save them. I can’t protect Amber from the pain and heartache she’s feeling. What good am I if I can’t do the things I am supposed to be doing?

Angry with myself and the whole situation in general, I throw the glass in my hand across the room. I watch as it hits the wall and shatters. Feeling slightly better, I throw the bottle of whiskey. Before I know it, I’m destroying my entire office. Pictures are broken, papers are all over the floor, and there are several holes in the walls. I fall to my knees and cry. The rage is gone and now all I’m left with this overwhelming sadness.

“What the fu...?” Paul says as he comes into my office.

I really don’t need this right now. It’s bad enough I’m acting like this to begin with, but I don’t need anyone to see me. It could be worse though, at least it’s not Angel. He would never let me live it down. I sit back against my desk, take a deep breath, and wait for the lecture I know is coming. They have all been pissed at me. Not that I blame them. I know I haven’t been treating Amber right. I know I haven’t been there like I should. Paul sits down next to me.

“There are better ways to redecorate, ya know?” he says with a chuckle.

“Probably is, but this made me feel a little better,” I admit, relieved that he’s not biting my head off.

“I wish I could make it all better for the both of you. I’m here if you need to talk about it.”