Resenting the Hero (24 page)

I'd be equally useless in Flown Raven, a remote city I'd never seen, filled with self-important aristocrats and slippery politicians. They would out-sophisticate me in two sentences and leave me standing there trying to remember my own name. And I didn't know anything about Shina Lake except that it grew religious fanatics. Plus there was that threat of Mulroney's, which I took seriously. I didn't think I would like jail.

But no one could accuse me of interfering with anything by taking a little holiday jaunt to Middle Reach. It was, as Aiden said, relatively close, and it would do no harm just to take a look. If nothing else came of it, at least I would learn something about Creol's little association. It was certainly better than sitting in High Scape doing nothing but going crazy with worry.

“Are you sure you're up to traveling?” I asked Aiden.

He didn't actually smile, but he seemed pleased. “I won't slow you down,” he promised, responding to the spirit if not the letter of my question. “When will you be ready to go?”

“Tomorrow morning? Will that give me enough time to get everything I need?”

“I'll get everything.”

“You will not,” I objected. “That's my job.”

“I'm not your Source, Dunleavy,” he reminded me with some sarcasm. “I know how to do things, and there are no roles each of us are expected to fill. And surely you have Triple S things to clear up before you leave.”

Probably. And I had to admit Aiden was likely to have had more experience with planning trips than I. “I won't let you pay for everything.”

“I won't. I'll say I'm going with you so at least your gear'll be free. If anyone gives me a hard time, then I'll bring you around. How about we meet at my place by sundown?”

“Sounds good.”

I went back to the residence to pack. I had hoped no one else would be there at that time of day, and that I would be able to leave a note letting everyone know where I was going. Just my luck, LaMonte and Hammad were there, the Pair I least wanted to see. The feeling was mutual. LaMonte looked at me with some surprise and no pleasure. “Dunleavy,” he greeted me with formal courtesy. “Is there something I can do for you?”

Of course there was nothing he could do for me, the supercilious old prat. “I'm going to Middle Reach,” I told him.

The two men exchanged glances. “Why?” Hammad asked.

“Have you been reassigned there?” LaMonte added.

I searched his expression. Did he honestly think I could be assigned to Middle Reach? Or was he insulting me? I couldn't tell. “There's someone I have to see.”

“This is personal business?”

“It's my business.”

He didn't like that. Too damn bad. He had no authority over me.

Of course, I did work with the man. Or I had. I probably never would again. No sense in antagonizing him. Professional courtesy and all that. But I wasn't sure how to tell him that I was gallivanting off to Middle Reach to play amateur Runner. What would he think of that?

Who cared what he thought? “I think there's something strange happening in Middle Reach, and I think it might have something to do with Karish's disappearance.” Perhaps I should have told him the vacation story, but if there was something strange happening in Middle Reach, I thought there should be someone who knew about it. In case I was gone too long.

He didn't laugh out loud. Neither did Hammad, but then, he wouldn't. “What sort of strange thing?”

“I'm not sure,” I admitted. “Ever heard of Stevan Creol?” The look of distaste appearing on both men told me that they had. “He's been in Middle Reach recently, he might be there right now, and he's invited Karish to join him there.”

That got a reaction. “To do what?” LaMonte asked.

“To join some kind of association that he's started. I don't know much about it. I've talked to the Runners about it—” Actually, that wasn't true. I hadn't gotten that far. “But for now they want to concentrate on some information concerning Flown Raven and Shina Lake.”

A sardonic smile curved LaMonte's lips. “And they're all wrong, so you're going to go charging off in the right direction to save your Source and the day.”

What was it with these people? I was in no way claiming to be a hero. That was Karish's department. “I don't know that they're wrong. It's just an option I want to look into.”

“I don't think it's a good idea for you to go off on your own.” That wasn't genuine concern I was seeing, was it? “I'm useless here.”

“I don't know that Val would agree with you.”

Surprise increased tenfold. A compliment? “He's not a Shield.”

“I believe all the Shields feel Miho overreacted.”

Hammad nodded.

LaMonte smiled again, and this time there was real warmth in it. “But, of course, they would.”

Absurd how good that felt, validation from someone I didn't even like. “All the Pairs on the roster are fit and ready to do their jobs. There's nothing for me to do here. I've got to do something.”

“Aye, I imagine you do,” LaMonte said with resignation. “But are you really going to just swan off without getting permission from the Triple S?”

“What, send off a message and wait for a response? That could take weeks.” Or months. And chances were excellent permission would be denied.

“It's the proper thing to do.”

“Aye, but is it the sensible thing to do?”

He rolled his eyes. “Must you have an answer to everything?”

“I'd hardly be the all-knowing omnipotent being that I am if I didn't.”

I didn't know the act of holding onto one's patience could be a visual spectacle. It was kind of interesting to watch.

“I have to do something, LaMonte. I know it's abandoning my post, but I'm unfit for duty without my Source, aren't I? And I can't just sit here doing nothing. I mean, could you, if your Shield were taken?”

“Never flitting, still is sitting,” said LaMonte, which of course meant nothing. “Kenton”—Hammad—“would never get himself abducted.” Which was truly one of the stupidest things I'd ever heard anyone say. “But I suppose I see your point.”

I nodded. “So please say bye to everyone, and I'll see them soon.”

The third smile in a row. Get the almanac. “I take it you don't plan to be long,” he said dryly. “That sure of yourself, are you?”

“Of course.” Being unsure of oneself never got anyone anywhere.

“Good luck.”

Aye, I'd need it.

I studied some maps of Middle Reach and the surrounding areas, just because I thought I should. I didn't know what I was looking for, but studying maps seemed like the thing to do before heading off on a journey. I packed a bag, mostly drab, comfortable clothes. Then I went to Aiden's house, long before we'd agreed to meet. Turned out I hadn't had much to do after all.

Aiden was a wonder and a treasure. In less than a day he managed to arrange for horses and gather all the supplies he claimed we would need. He had been to Middle Reach many times before; I had to trust he knew what he was doing.

I spent the night at Aiden's house, on the settee in the living room. I was too afraid to sleep. Because the truth was that I wasn't sure of myself at all, not in matters that had nothing to do with either Shielding or dancing the benches. Anything outside those two areas left me ignorant and helpless.

We left High Scape at the crack of dawn. Not my version of dawn, which was maybe a couple of hours before midday. Real dawn, before the birds had begun to sing. I felt oddly isolated as Aiden and I dressed and ate and rode out in preday silence. Isolated and afraid. For the first time in a great many years I was striking out without the protection of the Triple S, without the company of even a Source. It left me feeling weak and vulnerable. I hated that.

Karish had better appreciate it.

Chapter Eighteen

It was the worst week of my life.

Yes. Week. The trip that was supposed to take a couple of days ultimately ended up taking a week. For all his promises that he wouldn't slow me down, Aiden did. And I couldn't get angry at him. Because he was coming as a favor to me, and he would ride until he was white and trembling with pain, and all I could do was bite my tongue. Hard.

And during that unending week, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that Karish, and then I, might die. At any time. In an instant. I couldn't stop thinking about that for a single moment of any day and much of the night. My brain spun with the knowledge, relentlessly.

When I could sleep, I had nightmares. Dreams of being swallowed up in the earth, screaming. Dreams of suffocating. Dreams of being lost. Dreams of being left behind. Dreams of blood showering from the sky.

There was something wrong with my training. Some lapse somewhere. I wasn't supposed to be so afraid. I'd have to do something about it when I got back to High Scape.

I controlled it as best I could. I kept my horse plodding onward into what I'd begun to think of as a great, fatal wasteland. I forced myself to eat, though I could manage little. I kept a level voice at all times, and I smiled when Aiden tried to be funny.

But early one evening, when Aiden had given up for the day, I lay on my back and looked up at the darkening sky and realized I wanted to leave Aiden behind. That was horrible, and I was heartily ashamed of myself, but damn it, this was a nightmare. I should have been there by then.

I pulled in a deep breath and blew it out slowly, releasing my impatience with it. This was the time to stay calm.

“I know, Dunleavy,” said Aiden. He had his leg stretched out on the ground, and he was massaging the knee. At least he'd regained some of his color. “And apologizing doesn't begin to cover it. I don't know what to do.”

“It's not you.”

“Of course it is.”

“I mean it's not this”—I gestured vaguely, indicating the delay and being out in the middle of nowhere—“that has me a little . . . temperamental.”

“Temperamental,” he echoed with a faint smile. “Couldn't bring yourself to say ‘upset,' could you?”

I ignored that. “It's just everything.”

“What, life in general?”

I sat up and rubbed my feet into the ground, enjoying the prickly hardness of the grass against my bare soles, and I thought about that. “Aye,” I admitted with some surprise. I hadn't really thought of it that way. “Ever since I was Chosen everything has been so chaotic, one thing after another. And I don't like it. I'm not suited to it.” Life at the academy had been so peaceful. “I never wanted adventure, you know. I wanted a nice steady Source and a nice steady life. No excitement, no drama, nothing to sing about. But here I am, in the middle of this”—I searched for an appropriate word and had to settle for—“intrigue.”

He smiled with a total lack of sympathy, which wasn't surprising. He did seek adventure. “You lie,” he said, and that
was
surprising. “You could never be so staid. You just say that sort of thing because wanting adventure seems too immature to you.”

“I think I know my own mind,” I said coolly. I hated it when people tried to tell me what I thought, as though they had some unique perception into me that I lacked.

“Huh.” He sounded unconvinced. “Well, I always wanted adventure. I wanted to travel all over the world. I wanted to dance, to be the best dancer this world has ever seen. I wanted to dance for the Empress. I swore she would be so entranced by my skill that she would fall in love with me and offer me gold and jewels and everything I wanted. And the minstrels would sing about me, and apprentices would come from all over to beg me to be their master.” As suddenly as the light in his eyes had appeared, it faded away, and he shrugged. “Plans change. Dreams change. Or they don't work out. Usually it's for the best.”

Guilt was a waste of an emotion. “Isn't the Empress sixty something?”

“Aye, I believe so.”

“And you want her to fall in love with you?”

He grinned. “A wealthy woman is forever beautiful.”

I repressed a snicker, barely. “Amazing what money can do for a person.”

“Aye, it is.”

I saw movement, off in the direction from which we had been riding. I watched it, and it grew larger, and it turned into a rider. “Someone's coming.”

He turned, and we both watched the rider approach. When it looked like the horse was heading straight for us, I rose to my feet and wondered what I was going to do if there was any trouble. Aiden was in no shape to fight, and I didn't know how. Something I'd have to remedy someday.

As the rider drew near I saw she was a woman, and I relaxed. I saw the white braid on her left shoulder, and I relaxed a little more. She was a Shield.

She was a pretty thing, maybe ten years older than I. Bright green eyes, long chestnut hair, good cheekbones. Karish would have approved.

She looked at us and reined in her horse. “Do you need help?” she asked in a light voice.

“No.” The harsh tone drew my gaze to Aiden's face. He was scowling at the woman. “So you can move right along.”

My eyebrows flew. What was that about?

She looked at him, irritated, then she returned her attention to me. “I've been traveling alone all day,” she said. “I could use some company. May I join you?”

My first impulse was to hint her away—I was in no mood for additional company—but I was embarrassed by Aiden's rude behavior. “Please do,” I said. “We could use a fresh source of conversation.”