Restraint (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (13 page)

I’m tackled by a pajama-
clad boss with cuddling on his mind.

“Aaron’s going to lick my boot next time I see him, the bastard. He hung around waiting for you, didn’t he?”
I accuse, but it comes out sounding amused, not angry.

Something loosens inside of me, something that has forever been tight. It reminds me of a fist squeezing the very life out of my heart. Finally it has loosened enough to allow my heart to
beat, to begin pumping life-giving blood throughout my system. Master Ez, the Boss, or my boss, Ezra Zeitler, whoever the hell this man is… he puts me at ease. The power that radiates off of him and the playful nature he is exhibiting right now, it almost makes me feel normal, good.

“Yes,” Master Ez softly chuckles in my ear. “Mmm…
you smell nice.” He buries his face in my hair, inhaling. I’m wrapped in a warm bear hug.

“No mask, Aaron secured the drapes. I don’t know
, though… it may be fun to
throw down
.” He mimics my voice.

“Curiosity, what kind of pun
ishment would I receive for it? The punishment may be worth kicking your ass.” I flirtingly taunt.

“Hmm…
let’s see,” a purr rumbles up his throat. “Technically, it’s a refusal to wear a mask. I would find a hideous mask and make you wear it in public.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” I say before he can finish.

“In public… while I spank you,” amusement heavily laces his voice, but I still cringe at the thought. No doubt he is amused because he’s envisioning the punishment and it brings him great entertainment.

“But…” He pauses to arrange himself around me, leg
casually thrown over my hip, as if we spoon on a nightly basis. “Throwing down would be attacking your Dom. That is unheard of. It’d have to be an extra special punishment. I’ll have to think on that one.”

He
acts different than all the other times I’ve seen him. Relaxed, and I’d have to say this is his real personality shining through. He’s no longer projecting an image. I feel differently around him, too. Now that he’s seen me breakdown, I don’t have to fear it. The anxiety has lessened.

“You owe me a punishment, but under the circumstances I’ll let it slide.”
He affectionately rubs his nose along my throat.

“What did I do,” I say around the lump in my throat. What haven’t I done? I fucked the entire evening. Tears prickle my eyes at the reminder.

“You threatened me and swore at me. That was a very bad Kat.” He pulls us onto our sides, settling my cheek against his bare chest. Before I can examine the fact that he is in pajama pants, and little else, Master Ez pulls out his trump card. The phrase that is guaranteed to ruin me, “What happened tonight? Please talk to me,” he pleads.

T
hat’s all it takes… The dam breaks, and I begin to sob into his chest. I tightly wrap my arms around his body as the emotions roll over me and take me under. Ez’s hands grip the back of my knees and he wraps my legs around his waist. His solid presence is reassuring, causing my trust in him to grow.

This is what stupid aftercare i
s about. I almost went through it alone, and I would’ve never healed from it. It would have left another wound on my soul, one to join the countless others. I should have expected Master Ez to come to my aid. He will never leave me to go this alone. Next time, I will trust in him, believe in him.

“Thank you, Master. I know you will never leave me hurting. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
I try to stem the tears, to firmly block out the past that is threatening to overtake me.

Master Ez
drags my body up his, until we are face-to-face with our eyes level. My lips rest against the slope of his nose. Gunmetal gray eyes captivate me, and I love him a little for it. It’s dark in here, but this close up I can see his eyes, connect with them. He trusts me. He trusts me enough to put the game at risk, to blow his cover, and it’s humbling.

I meld my
body to his, and refuse to blink. I refuse to break our connection. My heart speeds up and I realize my heartbeat is matching the rhythm of his. He’s breathing in short gasps. This isn’t about the game. This moment is too intense. It almost feels of life or death, as if the man embracing me holds the keys to my healing.

“Nothing is wrong with you. I never want to hear those
words from your mouth again.” His fingers twine in my hair and the other set mashes my ass. I am ensnared in the cage of his arms, but it doesn’t make me want to lash out and fight… to escape. Master Ez’s firm hold makes me feel safe.

“What we do is mental, even the physical at its core is mental. We reach epic heights
, and the price we pay for that is disastrous lows. Reward and punishment. The experience is about trust. Trust in your partner, whether top or bottom. We experience the same rush and descent. That is what aftercare is about, taking care of one another. Trust your partner to know what is best for you during a scene and trust in them to bare your breakdown.”

“You didn’t descend,
” I mumble against the softness of his chest.

“Katya, don’t ever assume you know what my emotions are. I ached for you when I saw you crash. When you shut
me out, when you didn’t trust me to shoulder the burden of your pain, I wanted to scream.” His emotions bleed from his eyes- frustration, sadness, guilt, and ache. My lip quivers and tears prickle my eyes. I did this to him- I made Master Ez feel these emotions. I don’t like having power over him like that. When I can’t move my face to hide my tears of shame, I look away from his stormy eyes. My shame and guilt break our connection.

“No, you don’t get to do that. You look me in the eye. I can’t go through this again, Katya.”
His voice changes from its commanding timber to the smoky tones I hear when he isn’t Master Ez. Slowly the real Ez is revealed to me, with his gunmetal gray eyes, the cadence of his voice, and the facets of his personality.

“I feel so ashamed. I want you to be proud of me. I don’t want you to see me like this.
I don’t want you to see me as weak,” my breath hitches in my throat. “I don’t want you to see how broken I am.”

“I want to see the real you, not some fictitious version you think I want. Our jobs revolve around imaginary-land
, and our play is about fantasy… but dammit!” He grips me tighter, wrapping his legs around me as if scared I’ll float away. “This is raw. This is reality. BDSM isn’t about play, not for the purists. It’s our own fucked up version of therapy. If we weren’t fucked up, sick and twisted shit wouldn’t get us off. The high is amazing and the crash is therapy hell. Trust me, as I trust you, to get us through it, to move beyond it, to transcend.”

“In the morning the game continues. Tonight is reality. I will tell you this much. I know you.
I wanted you open and bared raw for me- the real you revealed. Everyone modifies themselves around different people, censors themselves. I got to know you before you could do that. You’ve been through a lot and I didn’t want that baggage to interfere. Yes, I stalk you. I’m sure you figured that out by now,” his lips quirk up into a smile against my chin.

“While you
know me, I know nothing of you,” I sadly say. “How can I trust what I don’t know? And I want to know you- you’re real you, too.”

“Oh, Katya, you really do.” Master Ez playfully
nips my chin with his lips. “The game is entertaining the shit out of me, but that’s not its only purpose. It’s for you to know me, or figure out who I am, and piece it together. The game is the therapy that you so desperately need. I may not have shared things with you like my name or occupation. But the stories we spoke of, the memories, and the tragedies. My hopes and dreams… those were all me.”

“
I… don’t understand,” my voice breaks under the strain of my emotions, with confusion winning out. “I… we’ve never really spoken, have we?”

“Yes, Katya,” Ez sighs my name. “We’ve spoken often. The game, while entertaining, really is to help you deal with your issues. I want you to feel every emotion you possibly can- I want you to
feel
,” he strongly draws out the word
feel
, somehow knowing that I’ve been walking around in a perpetual state of numb.

“
I don’t want to ruin your game, but how long have you been playing it?” What Ez has told me in the past few minutes is dizzying. I will need days to work through it all. But if I could get a timeline, perhaps I could figure out who Master Ez really is to me.

“Almost three year
s,” he readily admits, and the revelation stuns me into silence.

“We met at the worst time of our lives
. Your pain was like a siren’s song, and I wanted to use pleasure and pain to draw it from your soul.” Gentle thumbs clear tears from my cheeks, tears I hadn’t realized I was crying. “What happened tonight?” He gently coaxes me. “I didn’t foresee it. I thought maybe you wouldn’t go through with your sub’s reward, not freeze up on us.”

“Can I take a pass for the night? I don’t feel up to explaining.”
I take the coward’s way out, because it’s too fresh in my mind, and talking about it would make me relive it all over again. Rape may only last for a few moments in time, but you get to relive its reality over and over again. The memories feel real and in the now. An hour of your life can plague you for lifetimes.

“Alr
ight, just for tonight,” he calmly allows. “You do like girls, right?” He sounds so bewildered that I huff a laugh.

“That wasn’t the issue, okay?” I blush from the memory of just how much that wasn’t an issue.
“I enjoyed the hell out of Temptation. It’s all me,” I reluctantly admit.

“So it was an issue with climaxing
,” he reasons out. “Do you solo play?” Gray eyes intently watch my facial expressions for emotional cues.

“Jesus,” I hiss
, hating the way his eyes make me feel like I’m being examined under a microscope. “I don’t want to talk about it. Trust me- my body can get off, especially when I don’t want it to.” Fear and humiliation make me lash out like a wounded animal.

I try to roll away from
Ez to hide my shame. Master Ez sees way too much just by looking into my eyes, the mirrors to my soul. After a pause, he lets me go, so can I roll onto my side facing away from him. How do you explain that the only orgasm you’ve ever had was through force… and that every time you get close to the precipice, the memories inundate your mind, leaving you in a terrifying state of horror.

“M
ay I touch you, relieve you?” Ez softly whispers, a caress of words, as he draws my back against his chest. His hand slowly inches down my stomach, giving me time to protest. My heartbeat is wildly fluttering in my throat. My mind and body are warring, conflicted on fight or flight… or submit. When Master Ez’s fingertips wiggle underneath the waistband of my shorts, my hand clenches on his forearm to stop their invasion. Panic forcefully slams into me, and on the heels of the panic is lust- a lust so strong that it hitches my breath in my throat.

“No…
Please… don’t,” I breathily beg. I couldn’t handle it after everything that went down. Not tonight, maybe never. Shame swallows me whole and I retreat inside myself. “I’m sorry I’m such a huge disappointment. I doubt I can ever give you what you need. You didn’t get what you paid for. You stalked the wrong girl for your game. You obtained the wrong sub.” I start scratching at the cuff Master Ez placed on my wrist, nails gouging into my flesh, drawing blood. I don’t belong to him. I’m not good enough and I never will be. If Master Ez knew the truth of who I really am, he’d hate me, too.

“Katya,” Master Ez
forcefully says in a calm voice. I freeze from the sound, a sharp tug on an internal leash I didn’t know I possessed. Master Ez controls my emotions, my body, with nothing but the tone of voice.

“You
cannot deny that you belong to me. Even in hysterics you heel to my command.” Ez sits up and removes a chain from around his neck. He takes my hands, one at a time, and unlocks his cuffs that adorn my wrists. When the leather falls from my flesh, my mind is heavy from the loss. I didn’t think I wanted to feel owned, but once the cuffs were removed, I instantly regret the choice.

“Tonight isn’t the last time you
’ll wear these,” Master Ez puts an end to my whirling emotions. I’ll put them back on you when you calm. Feel,” he pushes his necklace into my hand. It is the same mystery chain used on the bracelets. The key to my locks dangles from the chain.

“Now, feel this.” Guiding my hands to a charm on his necklace, he traces my
fingers over a raised image. After several passes with my fingertip shapes coalesce into letters,
KW
.

I gasp in shock. “Why…
why would you want me? What the fuck is wrong with you?” I yell at him in confusion. I yank his short hair, barely getting a grip. I pull his eyes into view. “Why?”

Master Ez
doesn’t react how I thought he would. But he never does. I expected anger for pulling his hair and swearing at him. Instead, he laughs a belly-deep laugh, an infectious sound that feeds my soul. I sit cross-legged on my bed, baffled, waiting for him to answer or punish me.

“Katya, maybe you need to ask yourself why
I wouldn’t want you.” His hand slowly and soothingly pets my hair. Abruptly he fists a thick hank of curls, drawing a sharp shriek from my throat. “We will get these issues ironed out. I know all of your secrets- even the darkest ones that you think are securely hidden in the depths of your soul. All will be revealed, and then, and only then, will you be fully healed.”