River's End (River's End Series, #1) (24 page)

He frowned and shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about her.”

“You never want to talk about her.”

“You never want to talk about why you can’t read. And that’s a hell of a lot more relevant to now, than my dead wife.”

She didn’t answer, but gripped the edge of the railing until her knuckles turned white. “Okay, fine. I guess, I don’t talk about it.”

“Would you?” He finally asked his tone far gentler. “I’d like to understand it. It would really help me to understand this about you.”

She swallowed and shifted her gaze out to the darkened land. “I tried to learn. I really did. My mom yanked me out of school every few months, so I was so far behind, there never seemed to be a chance to get caught up. Everyone knew it and ridiculed me for it. When I quit going, no one noticed. And when I started getting into trouble, still, no one noticed. It wasn’t like it is for Ben. There was no one like you to see that I went to school, did my homework, and came home each day. No one cared if I needed any help. No one gave a shit. So I pretended I didn’t either. Mom read and signed anything I ever needed. That was it. I worked and partied and slept around, there was no reason for me not to. And never once did she or anyone else tell me to do anything differently. I managed to stay away from the pills and alcohol, but that was the only really smart thing I’ve ever done. When Mom died, Brian did what he did. So I left. I came here.”

Jack didn’t like hearing it. Not any of it. A young, vulnerable, girl like Erin left so young and alone, abandoned. She was lucky something worse didn’t happen to her. Having sons of his own, Jack couldn’t imagine not doing what was best for his kids. How could her mother ignore and then abandon her? Or not want what was best for her?

“How did Chance fit into all this?”

“He was around when I was little. But from the time I was a teen on, Chance was usually gone. He came back once in a while; but he’d always screw up and take off again.”

Jack felt a fierce stabbing in his heart that nearly doubled him over.
No more.
No more would Erin be left alone and vulnerable, unwanted, and unable to read, and essentially helpless. He would see to it no harm ever came to her again. No matter what.

“Allison seemed to think you could actually be dyslexic and not realize it. There all kinds of different ways it shows itself. She said…”

She nodded and dropped her head. “I don’t know. But what if I can’t learn?”

He stepped forward, putting his hand to her chin as he raised her eyes to his. “Even if you can’t, to start you’re smart, Erin. Everything you’ve done here was new to you, and you’ve learned it all. No, you’ve mastered it all. You’re a survivor. That’s why I know you can do it. But if you can’t, so what? What will it cost? Nothing. Who will it hurt? No one. I won’t ridicule you. No one here would ever do that to you. I will never let anyone again hurt you over this. Do you understand me? No one will ever hurt you again.”

Her gaze wavered before she shut her eyelids. Sighing, she said, “That’s hard to imagine.”

“Imagine it. Believe it. Believe in me.”

She nodded as her eyes filled with tears. “I do, Jack. I believe in you. Okay, I’ll think about it.”

He let her go. “That’s all I’m asking of you. Just try. I don’t like how vulnerable it makes you.”

“I’ve never had anyone care about me before, and especially not for that reason.”

He sighed. “Erin, you really need to find new people to hang out with.”

A laugh escaped her lips. “You know, I think you might be right.”

He finally smiled. How could he not smile at her? He relished seeing her rare smiles when the worry vanished, and her eyes lit up.

The two weeks leading up to Joey’s departure were busy, fast and inevitable. Jack watched his little brother, the man he raised, leave the ranch on a beautiful morning, pulling away in his truck to begin his new life. The morning Joey left, Jack’s stomach had him nearly buckled over in pain. Eventually, it faded when he realized Joey was finally and truly gone. The odd quiet that fell over the ranch seemed as thick as it was when Lily died.

Jack kept busy primarily to avoid the pain. The boys were out of school for the summer, so the ranch became busier than ever with their constant chatter and friends over. They hung out more with Jack, and spent more time in the barns. Erin, too, was out more whenever they were around and they continued to insist upon her riding around the arena. He tried to ignore how he felt whenever he saw them together, and how happy Charlie appeared with her. How different Erin was with the boys than the way she was with him or his brothers. She had concerns that neither he nor his brothers ever even considered. She was softer, kinder, and more attentive towards the children than any of the men thought to be.

He hired a new foreman and a ranch hand, and each occupied the two trailers near Erin’s. He didn’t like their close proximity, and decided it was time to move Erin’s trailer to a better spot. The parking lot was no place for a girl to live. The rough-necked ranch hands he expected to live in the trailers didn’t mind the parking lot vistas of where they were parked. But Erin deserved better. She deserved to live in a house. But he couldn’t do that and he knew it. The only empty room there belonged to Joey, so there was no way he could move Erin in. He settled by disconnecting her trailer from the water, electricity and dump station, and hooking it up to his truck. He moved it to a new spot, across the front yard and closer towards the river. He’d already run new power, water and a dump line out there; and doubted she had a clue about what he spent those several days doing. He also leveled out the site and built a deck for her. Once the trailer was set up, she could look out over the river on one side, and into the horse pastures and the main house on the other side. Her deck gave her more privacy, and offered beatific views whenever she left or entered the trailer. He did it all while she was at work just to surprise her.

When she pulled in, he jogged over to her truck and indicated for her to roll down her window. When he pointed to her new home, her jaw dropped and she eyed him curiously.

“What did you do, Jack?”

“Not much. You need a better spot if you’re staying here permanently. The place where you were was only temporary. We pull the trailers out of the storage shop each spring for the ranch hands to use. We never intended for anyone to live there permanently, however. We’ll have to get it covered before winter too, since the snow loads around here would cave the roof in. If you’re staying, that is.”

She finally smiled. “I’m staying as long as I’m welcome.”

“Well, this way it’ll be more pleasant for you.”

He watched her park her truck, and walk around the side of her trailer, where she discovered her new deck. It was nothing really, just a fourteen-by-fourteen square. She, however, was so overwhelmed by the move, the view, and the deck, he almost felt embarrassed for her. Why didn’t she think she deserved more than just a dumpy, old trailer parked beside a small deck? How could this small change warrant her tears? Or her unending, effusive gratitude? It was hard for him not to feel humbled by her. He was astonished at how little it took to make Erin happy. While he always had a place to live and call home, this trailer was it for her.

It was several days after the relocation of her trailer when the new ranch hands started. A.J. was a tall, lanky cowboy, who seemed to know as much about horses and their proper care as Jack. Jack could only hope this one might stick. He raised his pay and promised even more, as well as a decent place to live, if A.J. chose to stay on. The other was a young, Mexican kid, named Pablo, who said he was eighteen, but Jack was skeptical. Still, it was the kid’s business. He was only there for the summer to help with the alfalfa crop, which was already sprouting as high as Jack’s ankles. Every day, Jack went out to the alfalfa fields to relocate the sprinklers. June moved into July, and on the Fourth of July, they had their first day of the temperature exceeding a hundred degrees. It was hot. Even to Jack.

That evening, with the temperatures still hovering in the eighties, they drove into Pattinson and watched the fireworks. It was a twenty-minute display of colorful rockets exploding over the Columbia River. Erin was as thrilled by it as Charlie. Jack started to notice things like that about her. Everything they did, things that were normal, everyday stuff to him, his brothers, and his boys, seemed to delight, intrigue, interest, and even thrill Erin. It didn’t take much. Things as simple as sharing dinner visibly elated her. She gave him an appreciation for his life, his family, their home, hell, even the damn sunrise, that was like nothing he ever had before. Sure, he felt fortunate before, but not with the same deep sense of appreciation and gratitude that Erin seemed to find for everything.

Erin’s skin started to tan and she put on a little weight. She seemed to glow the longer she was there. She ate real food, and soon started to trust him more, finally feeling like she was home. She looked better and healthier immediately and it did wonders for her. It changed her, making her more beautiful than she’d ever been. It was a startling transformation. Jack already had to shoo A.J. away from her; although he often reprimanded himself for thinking of her as someone who needed him to shoo people away from her. She was perfectly capable of deciding her own dates and friends. Hadn’t she done so already there?

It was different, however, without Joey. Jack missed him. Joey was the loudest of the brothers, and the most full of bullshit and crap, which Jack missed dearly. The table seemed too quiet, too mundane, and sometimes, too serious. Joey never let things get serious for long.

It was also different because he suddenly didn’t see Joey anymore when he looked at Erin, or even imagine him with Erin anymore. The longer Joey was gone, the hazier Jack’s memory was of their brief affair. But it remained something, which he could not let go of or forget. There was no way for him to ignore it, although, he invariably tried to.

Grumpy and annoyed at himself, and his fascination for a girl who would always be the wrong one, despite staying forever in his sights, pissed him off in general. He was pissed at her and at Joey for circumstances he never asked to be involved in and couldn’t change. By August, he wasn’t in the best of moods.

“Jack, I think you ought to take this trip instead of me.”

Jack glanced up when Ian walked in and sat on a sawhorse near him. Jack was cleaning out the hooves of Cleo, one of their personal horses.

“Why’s that?”

“You haven’t been away in a while. I think it might do you good.”

Jack frowned. “What are you getting at?”

“Just that maybe you could use, you know, some time away. A short escape.”

“A short escape from what?”

“From Erin,” Ian said after a long moment before frowning at Jack. “You’re edgy as hell around here, and it’s time you fixed that.”

Jack paused as he considered Ian. Was his brother suggesting he needed to get laid to be in a better mood?

“It has been awhile… since, you know, you left town.”

Jack went back to the hooves. Maybe Ian was right. Maybe that
was
his problem. He nodded. “Fine. I’ll leave tomorrow. You’re in charge of the boys.”

Ian agreed and left. Jack wondered what more Ian thought about Erin, since he had very little to say about her addition to the ranch.

****

Erin loved her new location. She spent hours outside on her deck. She bought a cheap patio chair and often enjoyed the views of the river and mountains and pine trees. She let the sun warm her, tan her, and relax her. She could look out towards rural nature, or watch the horses behind her; and farther off, she could see the main house. With mostly grass around her now, the constant clouds of driveway dust were over. Washing the trailer windows, she was shocked to see how clear they became, like she just put on new glasses.

She was happy and content for the first time she could ever remember.

Until one morning she noticed Jack and Ian out and about early loading up their six-stall horse trailer to Jack’s big truck. As it idled, the exhaust dispersed into the air. Jack threw a duffel bag into his truck and walked around towards Ian. He spotted Erin as she rounded the trailer.

“Are you going somewhere?”

“Oregon. Got a horse to look at.”

“Oh.” She didn’t like the sound of that.
Jack was leaving?
He was always there. She might not see or talk to him for days on end, but she always knew he was there nevertheless. He was there if she ever needed anything. How could she endure his absence if she needed him? “How long will you be gone?”

“Why?” he asked while absently, rifling through the gear stowed in the back of his truck. He seemed to be barely listening to her. “You need something?”

“Uh… No. I can take care of it.” Her toilet was leaking fresh water around the base. Seemed like something it should not be doing.

He walked towards the small tack area of the horse trailer before his head popped back out and he looked at her around the door. “What it is it? I can tell by your nervous fidgeting that something is up. I don’t have a lot of time, so out with it.”

Warmth flooded her face and she kicked the dirt near her feet, which was so dry, puffs of it swirled around her ankles. “My uh, trailer seems to be having a problem.”

“What kind of problem?”

“The uh… well, the toilet.”

He shut the door on the horse trailer. “All right; let’s take a look.”

His tone was easy and mild. “Aren’t you leaving right now?”

“Don’t you need a place to go?”

Her facial skin felt instantly sunburned. She could
not
discuss this subject with Jack. “What are you going to do?”

He raised an eyebrow at her and replied quizzically, “Fix it. Not a big deal. Trailers can be a pain sometimes. Come on.”

She was miserable and well beyond embarrassed as she trailed behind Jack. He entered her trailer, opened her bathroom door and looked at it. She stayed outside, wanting to die rather than think about what he was looking at, and worse, what he was thinking. He came out and walked past her, heading outside to where the hose from the trailer tanks hooked into a pipe in the ground. She had only a vague idea of how it all worked.

“A fitting broke. I’ll be right back.”

She didn’t look up when he said that. She had no idea what he meant, but damn if she would ask. He walked towards Shane’s shop, where they kept all their tools. He was back only minutes later with some tools piled in a bucket. He went inside and she could hear him thumping around. She refused to go in the trailer, or even look up at him when he finally emerged, apparently satisfied with his success. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared out, red-faced, over the valley, suddenly hating the trailer.

He finally reappeared with a casual, “If it happens again, just tell Ian. Or even Ben. They know how to take care of it.”

He spoke as if it were no big deal. When she didn’t answer, he finally nudged her toe with his boot. “Erin?”

She narrowed her gaze onto a tree she spotted across the river. “How could you not tell me you were leaving?”

His expression went from amused to surprised. “Like I said it just came up. Why? You going to miss me?”

Yes, desperately. Instead she said, “Well, what if something goes wrong again? Or I need something fixed?”

“Then ask Ian or even Ben. They can handle most anything that comes up on these trailers.”

She buried her face into her arms.

“Look, I’ve got to get on the road. I’ll see you in a few days.”

She didn’t like hearing that either. She finally looked at him as he started down the steps of the deck. He had her attention now. “How many days?”

He shrugged. “Don’t know. A week, maybe two. It’s a long drive. And I got more than one stop. I’m delivering that two-year-old mare I’ve been working with to its new owner, and looking at a couple of others to see about training.”

“How come you never mentioned this before?”

“I didn’t know I had to. Besides, I thought Ian was going, and at the last minute, he asked me to go. Anyway, like I said, if anything happens, just tell Ian.”

With that, he waved and started towards Shane’s shop, whistling as he swung the bucket by his side.
He was whistling
. At ease. He was acting happy to be leaving. She glared after him. Why was he so happy about leaving? Because he got away from her? How could he leave her there as if it were nothing? She sat down in a huff, and let her anger roil around in her gut to counteract the unease of Jack leaving. How dare he just leave her like that?

****

It was a full two weeks and a day before Jack finally pulled into his own driveway. The horse trailer was empty. The horse he specifically left to see about was still too wild to even load into the horse trailer. He might return for it in a few weeks if the group in charge of its care could get close enough to slip a rope over its neck.